Pil visit to town son is student at

[22dontforget]

My son has been at uni for one week. He's not hugely confident but seems to have been making an effort to spend time with flat mates and talk to people on his course. Obviously weekends are hard to begin with because you don't have close friends yet, the days are long. I know this because he's our 4th child so we've been through it before. His flat mates while great fun at night are sleeping until 2pm and he's up at 9 so lonely. His grandparents are visiting his uni town next week with their grandson , my dn, It's a treat for Dn (10) to visit an army museum. When I heard I said great you can see ds, they seemed surprised. This town is 200 from me and 100 from then so no one is able to drop in on ds regularly. They have now told ds they'll drop in at 4pm on their way home. I'm really hurt they didn't think ds might like an invite to join them or lunch etc seems like he'll sit in his room on his second Sunday away from home until they call in to tell him about their day out 10 mins down the road. Knowing pil I'm pretty sure they just don't want to pay for him, meanwhile dn gets a day out . It just feels mean to be so near with another grandchild and only offer a quick drop in. They have no plans to go and visit ds any other time.

I agree grandparents and 10 year old cousin visiting him at the flat is a fairly terrible idea.

As your son isn't one for sleeping his weekends away or exploring/ doing stuff alone he should join a club or society which will provide structure and a social life.

Is he sporty? Sports clubs, hiking clubs, conservation clubs or similar outdoorsy stuff (or volunteering, via a student society) will fill his weekend mornings if he so wishes, and allow him to get to know students with less nocturnal circadian rhythms.

The first few weeks are critical in terms of making friends because everyone is in the same boat and looking to link up with people. Although GP's could have given them the chance to come along I think they are entirely right to just drop by for a coffee.

My eldest DS starts his lectures today. I have told him that whilst always ready to visit and of course for him to come home; I am not expecting to see him before the Christmas holidays

My thoughts on your OP are that maybe the PIL were looking forward to spending time with their DGD and didn't want to include your DS for this particular visit. It's her treat, not his.

Perhaps your PIL are trying to negotiate two sets of feelings diplomatically. You are anxious for them to see your DS but DN's parent/s might not have been so keen to have their child's grandparent time impinged on.

I do agree that some students settle more easily than others, not all of them are party animals champing at the bit to enjoy their freedom. However, unlike when I was at university, there are readily accessible phones for you to keep in touch. My DD was very lonely to begin with but we spoke and Skyped often while she found her feet.

I think your ds and pils should make arrangements together and without you.

Yes I agree with this. You don't know what his plans are so why not let him have the choice of what he wants to do and when?

Also he has only been there for 1 week. To generalise that his flat mates will not wake up until 2 every Saturday is a bit premature. The first weekend I imagine everyone will be out getting pissed. Once uni work starts in earnest and their student loans run out these outings will probably be less often!

If they do continue to get up at 2pm every weekend your DS can plan around that. Get up early and go to the gym, join a club or find other friends who are early birds to spend time with.

Will a 10 year old girl really want to go to an army museum for a treat?

Sorry read that as neice. I realise it's is probably nephew. He may like that sort of thing.

Why is your worry about this and not about your DS failing to fit in and socialise at uni? What’s the point in being in halls if he’s not going to mix? There must be a common room? Student union? Clubs? Gym? Student pubs?

If he’s sitting in his room all day it doesn’t bode well for his future success and happiness.

This reads like everything is being organised through you and you're making assumptions about what your son would Like to do. If your son wants to meet them earlier surely he could just message them and say 'any chance of meeting you at the museum instead?' it's also possible they've already promised dn a day of just the three of them.

always nice to see potential mental wellbeing issues being treated sensitively on AIBU as usual . Struggling with loneliness living away from home doesn't make anyone a wimp

What a horribly sexist thing to say.

Why on earth wouldn't a girl like an army museum?

I thought this was going to be a thread about how your PILs were going to insist on seeing him and that he wouldn’t want to as he’s just started uni and would want to settle down etc.

Another case of PILs never being able to win!

I suppose that was sexist. In fairness I can't really imagine anyone liking an army museum. Growing up both my brother and I would have been bored to tears at an army museum. Just as we were at the naval and train museums we were treated too.

I think your PIL dropping in for a cup of tea is perfect. They're not interfering in your DS Uni life, their other grandson gets his day out as promised, your son gets a confidence boosting short visit & your nephew gets a glimpse of Uni life.

Do they actually know that he’s lonely?

There must be a common room? Student union? Clubs? Gym? Student pubs?

This. Look, I get it, I was anxious in my first term at uni too. But he can’t just sit in his room waiting to be entertained by his family or housemates, he needs to go and join a society or a club or a gym or even just sit in the common room watching sport and strike up a conversation.

To make friends you need to be actively doing something about it.

What’s the point in being in halls if he’s not going to mix?

He’s in a flatshare, not halls. To be honest OP, that was where you could have added more value, encouraging him to go into halls in his first year and not a flatshare. Or does this University not have halls?

He shouldn't be relying on flatmates for all his socialising

He's used to a busy home, definitely family meals at weekends.

he is unlikely to be in a flat full of orphans, OP, they are all going through the same thing

Is he the last child to leave home and you have an empty nest now?

The thing is the GPs have arranged a 1 to 1 day out with their 10 year old Grandson as his treat not your adult child's day!!

This^^

@BarbariansMum I was expecting that too.

i agree with you op.

I’m sorry but how many 18/19 year olds go off travelling on their own on gap years etc?

But he can’t go to town? To me it sounds like exploring his independence would be a very worthwhile thing...

Have you considered that the man won’t be alone in his room all day Sunday?

And yes does he actually want to go. Unless I missed it there’s no mention. It’s all about your expectations.

Still don’t understand why he cannot walk around town. Surely he did things like this when he was at home and wasn’t dependent on household members

I feel like you're massively over involved in this.

At his age I'd have been able to call my grandparents and say hey heard you're taking cousin to the museum, can I come, I'll pay with my wages/student loan.

If he's incapable of that it's time he learned.