To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

[BenWillbondsPants]

He's running a company. He's married to the company too. He has to be. Hard situation for you, but I think you have to just cope.

I'm sorry @exaltedwombat but this is such an archaic notion and just nonsense. Why should the OP 'just cope'?

My DH is running his own very successful company but still manages to make time for his family. He works bloody hard (as do I) but he actually wants to spend time with his children so he makes it work.

It's absolutely doable.

[BenWillbondsPants]

And he's not 'married' to the company, he's married to his wife and has children. He has responsibilities to them as well.

[winniestone37]

I'm guessing he had to send the work e-mails and do the site visit. I doubt he likes working at the weekend, yes there needs to be designated family time but he'll only know that if you tell him. I understand your frustration- I've been there but I don't understand why you expect him to just 'know". You're not a victim. Talk, work out a way if at all possible where you can all get a bit of what you need, why does it have to be war.

[BenWillbondsPants]

yes there needs to be designated family time but he'll only know that if you tell him. I understand your frustration- I've been there but I don't understand why you expect him to just 'know".

@winniestone37. He's a grown assed man and needs to be informed that he should be spending time with his kids at the weekend? He can't work that out for himself?

[timeisnotaline]

I doubt he likes working at the weekend I’m sure he doesn’t mind it actually. I didn’t pre kids, it was just normal life and we still had plenty of time.
yes there needs to be designated family time but he'll only know that if you tell him
What the actual? How should the op go about this? Take in some baby photos and remind him they have children and they need care? While washing his underarms and spoonfeeding him mush?

[Damntheman]

Glad to see a voice of sanity in amongst all this archaic anti-woman nonsense BenWillbondsPants! I was getting a bit concerned for a bit there.

Nice how everyone likes to focus on how he's such a poor hard done by man, FORCED to work on a weekend, while managing to overlook the hours he spent watching sports on tv instead of being with his family.

[Ooogetyooo]

Winniestone37- course he should bloody well KNOW what needs doing he's a grown man running his own business, he's not incapable, he's CHOOSING not to engage with the family at the weekend and using work as an excuse.

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants yes sometimes people do need things spelling out for them, it's human. Somwtimes their perspective is skewed and they need enlightening. Welcome to humans, they are far from perfect. I've noticed how women on mumsnet love to tear other women's husbands down rather than encourage honest communication. Hurling phrases like 'grown asseed man' might bring you the nurturing, open and honest relationship you need but I'm taking a bet it doesn't. I think it's your attitude that's childish and needs addressing.

[winniestone37]

@Ooogetyooo read my last post and perhaps begin to understand telepathy doesn't work, talk about how you feel to the people who actually matter rather than whinging on mumsnet.

[gottogonow]

You are perfectly justified in wanting more family time and need to follow your instincts as it’s not in balance at the moment. Your situation is not relevant all that matters is how you feel. You are obviously covering a lot with minimal time out, it’s important that this is recognised. It may take a bit of effort to redress the balance but good luck and it’s quite right to feel it needs sorting.

[BenWillbondsPants]

@winniestone37

'Hurling phrases'? Good grief, talk about hyperbole?

Yet you're quite happy to assume you know about my own relationship (you couldn't be more wrong) and call me childish for having a different view on this poster and her children being treated, in my opinion, pretty badly. I don't think that's ok.

I would never insult you personally, it's a shame you can afford me the same courtesy.

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants you're quite right I shouldn't comment on you personally and apologise for that. Not entirely sure you know what hyperbole is though. Should this women talk to her husband talk to her husband about how she feels, yes. Should she get angry and call him a grown assed man, no, that's childish. She's not a victim she's an adult who needs to learn to talk about her needs.

[BenWillbondsPants]

@winniestone37

Not entirely sure you know what hyperbole is. Well, being an English teacher, I'm pretty sure I do.

Can you point out where in my post that I suggested that the OP get angry call her husband anything please?

We obviously have a very different view on this. My husband has never needed me to tell him to spend time with me, or our children, he wants to. You mention women 'tearing other women's husband's down' - I actually think it's pretty insulting to the OP's husband to suggest that he doesn't have the intelligence to know that he needs to nurture his relationships.

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants do you really think encouraging outrage in the OP and implying her husband should just 'know' how she feels is an intelligent response? Do you think using terms like grown assed man to tear someone down is nice? Do you think encouraging engagement and communication rather than expecting people to know how others feel, to take responsability for your needs in a relationship is a good and helpful thing?

[BenWillbondsPants]

@winniestone37

Do I think that the OP should be outraged? Yes I do. I don't believe that her husband is treating her or their children well.

Do I think that insulting me again by questioning my intelligence is kind? No I don't.

You take issue with me trying to support another woman who has posted because she feels unhappy, yet you continue to insult me personally and accuse me of saying things that I haven't said. (At no time did I suggest the OP become angry or call her husband anything). Perhaps you don't like my take on the OP's issue and that's absolutely fine, I have no issue with you disagreeing with me. I just don't know why you have to be so personal in doing so.

I won't respond to you again. I like a good debate on Mumsnet, but I'm not after a bunfight and it seems that you are.

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants I think you've behaved badly and you were not being supportive. Ditto on a good debate but little time for supercillious agression.

[Alexapourmeadrink]

Without living with the OP and her husband, we don’t know how much down time either gets. We don’t know if she is passive aggressive and rants AFTER he has watched the sports. Perhaps, like my DH, he’s not instinctive and needs to be told. My dad and my FIL are the same. As is my best friend’s husband. I’m straight with mine and tell him to catch up with his programmes later or agree to a start time for activities and stick to them. I tell him to get off his arse and help.

I’m not defending either of them (OP and her DH) because unless we are them we wont see the whole picture. She’s asked for advice and I’ve offered it. I’m trying to be positive and point out that everyone is different. Some spouses are switched on, some aren’t. That’s the human race. If this family/marriage is suffering then action needs to be taken and OP can which advice she wants to follow.

It’s a waste of time and energy to be angry with each other. Draw a line under the past and work on a solution. If it involves regular reminders until it’s instinctive, so be it. If all marriages/families were the same, we’d be in Stepford!

OP my advice to you is to sit down with DH soon, no distractions, work out a solution but don’t expect miracles right away. Suggest he delegates work more, suggest he puts an “out of office” message on his email system to remind senders of office hours. Business owners who promote a healthy work/life balance are more successful.

He might have good suggestions for you too, to balance your own work, childcare and “me time”.

There are a lot of people here angry on your behalf and they’re empathising but not offering realistic solutions/advice.

[ducks into fall out shelter to avoid a blasting!]

[chrisie16]

You're the weak link in his chain. If you didn't do what you do, he couldn't do what he does. So, stop doing what you do. Take care of you and the kids, but that's it. Do nothing else. I had to do this, because I was accused of sitting on my fat arse all day. I'm 4' 11" and weighed less than 7 stone, wringing wet. I've never had a fat arse! Every time he asked me, have you done such and such, I just said, no, I've been sat on my fat arse all day. I did it for a week. By Friday, he said, ok, I get the point. Things changed for the better after that. If you let it happen, it will keep happening. Good luck!

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Perhaps, like my DH, he’s not instinctive and needs to be told. My dad and my FIL are the same. As is my best friend’s husband. I’m straight with mine and tell him to catch up with his programmes later or agree to a start time for activities and stick to them. I tell him to get off his arse and help.. And these men have to be told MORE THAN ONCE? And their partners stay with them. Bloody hell. It’s depressing to see so many downtrodden apologists for male selfishness and fuckwittery on this thread.

[BenWillbondsPants]

It’s depressing to see so many downtrodden apologists for male selfishness and fuckwittery on this thread.

I wholeheartedly agree @ArgumentativeAardvaark. I'm genuinely surprised by how many women seem to have allowed the wool to have been pulled over their eyes by men who can hold down responsible jobs without their wives/partners input. Yet they're unable to contribute to home life without being told what to do? Not buying it.

[LannieDuck]

if I did work full time I'd earn more than my husband

A different suggestion for you, OP. Why don't you ask him to reduce his business, and increase your hours at work to make up the shortfall in income? It would give you both a more equal work-life balance.

I appreciate your boys need routine, so perhaps on the 1 or 2 days you would no longer be able to do the school run, your DH could mark out that time in his calendar every week to do it. As you do a bit more, he does a bit less.

...of course, it will only work if your DH isn't one of those 'Big I Am' men, who need their business to bring in much more money than anything you could make salaried...

[LolaSmiles]

I'm genuinely surprised by how many women seem to have allowed the wool to have been pulled over their eyes by men who can hold down responsible jobs without their wives/partners input. Yet they're unable to contribute to home life without being told what to do? Not buying it.
It's ridiculous
What's worse is that I'd put money on those women being the types who turn up on threads where women are complaining about their husbands/partners not stepping up to inform those of us that have functioning adult men that we must be wrong because the men needs a chore chart, hubs is far too busy thinking about how to provide.

See also, he's a great dad because although he doesn't do anything all weekend, if I tell him to occupy the children for an hour whilst I go to Tesco then he does it without complaining. Quick get the man a gold star!

It gets right on my nerves being told I'm "lucky" to have a DH who does his fair share, or,on here especially, that he mustn't do his fair share because I'm a woman and so I must be the one worrying about the mental load and when we'll get round to organising the family photos (yes that was a serious argument on one thread, women's lives are more difficult because it wouldnt occur to a man to do household admin and organise the photos)

[fishonabicycle]

He could well be using work as a way out of interacting with his family. Particularly if he is on the spectrum.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

(yes that was a serious argument on one thread, women's lives are more difficult because it wouldnt occur to a man to do household admin and organise the photos)

And in addition to organising the photos there was researching on the internet for household purchases. I loved that thread. It kept me entertained for hours. 😂.

[FrauHaribo]

you should read the thread where it's fine for a mother pissed off with her DH to take the kids and go out for the day, but if the father does it is abusive, he might kill the kids (It happened to 3 friends of a poster apparently! ), he's a dick and so on...
And no man would ever take 2 under 2 for the day (as one is autistic, it's just not possibly)

but again, fine for the mother...

Life so much harder for women