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AIBU?

To be frustrated by this every weekend

209 replies

thepinkp · 22/09/2019 14:27

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

OP posts:

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FrauHaribo · 22/09/2019 15:18

I am not jabbing, just pointing out the facts.

Would you genuinely prefer if he stopped working, or took an entry -level/ minimum wage role allowing him to be home at 5pm, and spend every weekend at home?

I can't agree with that "if you work from home, and wekeends, and holidays it must be for fun and by choice". People who believe that are completely missing the big picture.
You could say it's a choice, but then it's the choice that goes with earning a decent amount and having enough to pay for a certain lifestyle.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/09/2019 15:20

"But there's always time for golf, nice lunches etc."
There's your starting point for the discussion then.

'What is more important to you, you family or playing golf? Family, you say? Then why do you spend more time with your golf clubs than with your children?'

Aridane · 22/09/2019 15:23

What is more important to you, OP - having a hard working husband and decent standard of living or a lower standard of living and a more available husband. Where I work lunches and golf / what have you are part of the working day (not for me personally though!)

Basil90 · 22/09/2019 15:27

It sounds as though he just isn't interested in spending his time with you and the kids

BenWillbondsPants · 22/09/2019 15:29

Would you genuinely prefer if he stopped working, or took an entry -level/ minimum wage role allowing him to be home at 5pm, and spend every weekend at home?

Why does it have to be one thing or the other? It's entirely possible to strike a much better balance than this, I really thought that was something that everyone knew.

DH has his own business (I also work), and could easily spend 7 days a week working. But he chooses not to, he has weekends off (normally) to spend with his family.

MillfredTheGreat · 22/09/2019 15:30

Some posters are spectacularly missing the point here. So it’s fine for OP’s DH to basically treat her like a live in nanny/housekeeper because he earns money? So does she!

I appreciate that when you have your own business working hours do run long, my DH is the same. But prioritising time on golf/watching sports on TV over time with your children and wife when you rarely see them? Fuck that. He’s not a sperm donor and he needs to pick up his act.

PeoplesPoet · 22/09/2019 15:32

I'd genjuinely lower my standard of living for more family time... because basically a standard of living with little family time is a shitty, regrettable standard.

FrauHaribo · 22/09/2019 15:33

Why does it have to be one thing or the other? It's entirely possible to strike a much better balance than this, I really thought that was something that everyone knew.

Yes, because it's that easy to get the perfect job with the right salary but the perfect balance, it's only a choice if you don't

Justaboy · 22/09/2019 15:36

Pity he's loosing out on the children growing up, once gone it can't be replayed:(

BenWillbondsPants · 22/09/2019 15:37

Yes, because it's that easy to get the perfect job with the right salary but the perfect balance, it's only a choice if you don't.

Why do you think he needs to stop running his own company and go and get another job? He has a job - he runs his own company, so of course he has an element of choice right there. He's in a much better position than most.

FrauHaribo · 22/09/2019 15:39

He has a job - he runs his own company, so of course he has an element of choice right there. He's in a much better position than most.

that's the most naive comment I've read so far.
You think companies run by themselves and the higher the manager, the less work they really have to do?

BenWillbondsPants · 22/09/2019 15:54

Well, no. As I said, DH has his own company and it's very successful (down to his hard work), so I do know how it works. That doesn't mean that he has to work 24 hours a day.

Do you have your own company and struggling with work/life balance yourself?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/09/2019 15:54

We were in a similar situation and one day I simply threw my toys out of the pram and told him he needed to spend less time on work and more with family or I was leaving. Family was more important to me than lots of money.

He did listen and reined back his hours. A few months later he quit his job and set up on his own. We fully expected to be much poorer after this move, but in the event it worked out really well and we were better off.

Vulpine · 22/09/2019 15:59

Forget the golf etc, if he's got time to watch football and rugby, he's got time to spend with his family. They're not top on his list.

RubbingHimSourly · 22/09/2019 16:00

Get a job so he can cut back his hours ?? Being the only wage earner must be extremely stressful.

As for the weekends, just go out without him and tell him to meet you there. The SAHM thing is a luxury rather than a necessity imo.

LolaSmiles · 22/09/2019 16:01

I appreciate that when you have your own business working hours do run long, my DH is the same. But prioritising time on golf/watching sports on TV over time with your children and wife when you rarely see them? Fuck that. He’s not a sperm donor and he needs to pick up his act.
I agree.
Going to pick up some emails over the weekend and being a bit work focused out of the working week I have some sympathy with.
However, he chooses to watch sport and paly golf etc rather than see his family and that's not on.
Yes, WOHP do deserve some downtime for their hobbies and interests, but so does the SAHP. Both should have an appropriate amount of time to themselves and have family time.

Ginger1982 · 22/09/2019 16:06

@RubbingHimSourly the OP does work.

Aridane · 22/09/2019 16:08

(part time)

thepinkp · 22/09/2019 16:08

@RubbingHimSourly I have a job if
You read back. Morning money isn't the issue here. Actually quite interesting reading some of the responses..

OP posts:

Haffiana · 22/09/2019 16:10

If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting

Why the fuck aren't you causing friction then? Really, all this AND you have to tiptoe around appeasing him? Why?

thepinkp · 22/09/2019 16:11

Yes part time, good for money to boot, because I worked my arse off before we had kids and earns my stripes. I think it's more a question of time management on his part. Spends the week doing meetings etc then come the weekend tries to catch up on the paperwork backing up what he's agreed in meetings. I have in the past discussed having one day during the week as an admin day but it falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:

thepinkp · 22/09/2019 16:13

@Haffiana I guess I just want him to spend some time with the kids.. ironically we did get out the house, for a quick Sainsburys shop (loves food shopping) now we are raving back for football on tv. I shall do some crafts with the kids to keep them occupied

OP posts:

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timeisnotaline · 22/09/2019 16:15

If he runs his own business I’d say one set weekday a week he is home by 6 to jump in and help with dinner and do bath. He can do emails after they are in bed, non negotiable. I’m a big 4 consultant and I know that many partners who can do that, or coach their kids rugby team or whatever because they are the owners.

tuberr0se · 22/09/2019 16:18

@thepinkp

Your life sounds so much like mine! My dh takes his laptop on holiday and works!!!!!

Dutch1e · 22/09/2019 16:19

I was like this too - self-employed and would get insanely absorbed in work stuff that honestly could have waited, been outsourced, or simply not done at if my processes were better. If a person has to work 7 days a week then it's just not a success, something is going badly wrong.

I gave myself a kick in the arse and became much more attentive to effective time management, as well as deliberately switching off all notifications & reminders of work (not easy as I work from home).

It's really unfair of your DH to check out of his family all the time, let alone get narky when you leave without him.

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