To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

[gill1960]

Time for relationship counselling or a new partner

He's treating you all like shit

I wouldn't want to be with a man like your partner ... ignored and emotionally abused.

[FrauHaribo]

I queried the general statements made by a few posters, it has nothing to do about the context, but feel free to take my own posts out of their exact context, you are the one not being coherent.
Someone saying things like they are not going out anywhere without telling their husband first makes me react, I can't help it. That's not normal.

I tend to quote the exact post I am replying to, so I can't make it any clearer.

But it's MN, some posters are unable to disagree without calling troll, being abusive, insulting or generally childish. That can only mean I am right if they can't come up with something better. 🤷

[BenWillbondsPants]

But if you keep pushing the idea that no under 2 can be left with his dad, don't pretend to be a martyr because someone is listening to you. And don't try to make women feel bad because they are comfortable in going back to work early, or leaving their babies with their fathers.

Again, ignoring context and making it up as you go along. I can't see anywhere on this thread, or the other thread where anyone said that 'no 2 year old can be left with his dad' or that women shouldn't go back to work early, leave babies with their fathers etc. If you can't back your comments up coherently, fair enough, but making things up to suit your narrative is a little silly.

[FrauHaribo]

For god's sake I was querying

the poster who said that a father should never take the kids out without waking up the mother first to let her know
the poster who said that a father would never take the kids out without discussing it with the mother first
basically the posters who said that the kids belong to the mother a 5 month old should never be away from his mother for a whole day.
the poster who said that the kids were at risk of being killed by their father! (FFS, and what about the poor mothers with PND who ended up committing suicide with their kids? Would that be more helpful to point out?! I think not)

I also did say, before the OP drip feeding the whole story, that a SAH mum telling her husband who has just been sacked that she was leaving if he didn't find another job was a bit harsh.

So I absolutely stand by the replies I made to the most outrageous comments, most of my posts were not addressed to the OP but clearly addressed to the poster I was replying to.

But if you keep pushing the idea that no under 2 can be left with his dad, don't pretend to be a martyr because someone is listening to you. And don't try to make women feel bad because they are comfortable in going back to work early, or leaving their babies with their fathers.

[BenWillbondsPants]

As a couple of posters on the other thread said Frau. You just ignore context to try to get your point across.

You seem to be one of those women who hold men, regardless of circumstances, as God like creatures who can do no wrong. It's embarrassing.

I hate when I see man bashing threads on here but this is not one of them.

[timeisnotaline]

No one is twisting Frau haribos words. Disingenuous? You were talking about the ops circumstances in that other thread and completely ignoring all relevant facts. There is very little that’s pro women about your comments. In theory it’s great for men to do equal shares once babies are past newborn stage, In practice it doesn’t always work that way and not acknowledging that is not supporting women.

[FrauHaribo]

oh no, don't turn things around and ignore the comments I am talking about!

I am talking about the ones stating that a baby can only be with their mum and so on.

I am the least anti-woman person! That's the whole point! It pisses me off that some women attitude is still to push the idea that babies and children belong to their mothers, that's it's our primary role to look after them, that fathers are unsuitable and dangerous (FFS!).

Yes, the mother is pregnant and give birth. But then it's a choice - stay home with your children as long as you want, or go to work and share childcare or have a SAH dad.

Pushing the idea that a man is unable and unsuitable to look after his own children is outrageous. THAT was my point. Stop twisting my words.

[BenWillbondsPants]

@FrauHaribo. Completely different thread, completely different circumstances (most of which you've conveniently omitted here).

[ToPlanZ]

FrauHaribo I read the other thread in full and your comment is utterly disingenuous. That father had taken his children after a huge row whilst the mother was still asleep and did not get in contact despite one of the children being severely autistic. What he did was clearly an attempt to scare the mother in that situation. He hadn't taken his children out on his own before.

You were explained to by the vast majority of posters on the aforementioned thread that he was trying to exert a form of control over the mother and that whilst yes of course he had the right to take his own children out for the day, what his did was both cruel and unusual. The final nail in the coffin of your previous rhetoric was that the father had admitted he should not have behaved that way and the OP firmly told you that you were incorrect about the situation.

Yet here you are on another thread using that poor woman's experience to push more anti woman rhetoric. You'd be well to get a job in Trump's administration with your ability to spin things out of context.

Yes women do have it much much harder than men, we are expected by society to do so much more, yet do it within a narrow spectrum defined by men. We still live in a patriarchy, why don't you spend some time tearing that down rather than other women? I'd suggest 'the most stupid things my ex ever said' thread as a starting point because in the hundreds of posts the level of misogyny and male entitlement on there illustrates quite clearly how far there is to go.

[FrauHaribo]

you should read the thread where it's fine for a mother pissed off with her DH to take the kids and go out for the day, but if the father does it is abusive, he might kill the kids (It happened to 3 friends of a poster apparently! ), he's a dick and so on...
And no man would ever take 2 under 2 for the day (as one is autistic, it's just not possibly)

but again, fine for the mother...

Life so much harder for women

[AlexaAmbidextra]

(yes that was a serious argument on one thread, women's lives are more difficult because it wouldnt occur to a man to do household admin and organise the photos)

And in addition to organising the photos there was researching on the internet for household purchases. I loved that thread. It kept me entertained for hours. 😂.

[fishonabicycle]

He could well be using work as a way out of interacting with his family. Particularly if he is on the spectrum.

[LolaSmiles]

I'm genuinely surprised by how many women seem to have allowed the wool to have been pulled over their eyes by men who can hold down responsible jobs without their wives/partners input. Yet they're unable to contribute to home life without being told what to do? Not buying it.
It's ridiculous
What's worse is that I'd put money on those women being the types who turn up on threads where women are complaining about their husbands/partners not stepping up to inform those of us that have functioning adult men that we must be wrong because the men needs a chore chart, hubs is far too busy thinking about how to provide.

See also, he's a great dad because although he doesn't do anything all weekend, if I tell him to occupy the children for an hour whilst I go to Tesco then he does it without complaining. Quick get the man a gold star!

It gets right on my nerves being told I'm "lucky" to have a DH who does his fair share, or,on here especially, that he mustn't do his fair share because I'm a woman and so I must be the one worrying about the mental load and when we'll get round to organising the family photos (yes that was a serious argument on one thread, women's lives are more difficult because it wouldnt occur to a man to do household admin and organise the photos)

[LannieDuck]

if I did work full time I'd earn more than my husband

A different suggestion for you, OP. Why don't you ask him to reduce his business, and increase your hours at work to make up the shortfall in income? It would give you both a more equal work-life balance.

I appreciate your boys need routine, so perhaps on the 1 or 2 days you would no longer be able to do the school run, your DH could mark out that time in his calendar every week to do it. As you do a bit more, he does a bit less.

...of course, it will only work if your DH isn't one of those 'Big I Am' men, who need their business to bring in much more money than anything you could make salaried...

[BenWillbondsPants]

It’s depressing to see so many downtrodden apologists for male selfishness and fuckwittery on this thread.

I wholeheartedly agree @ArgumentativeAardvaark. I'm genuinely surprised by how many women seem to have allowed the wool to have been pulled over their eyes by men who can hold down responsible jobs without their wives/partners input. Yet they're unable to contribute to home life without being told what to do? Not buying it.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Perhaps, like my DH, he’s not instinctive and needs to be told. My dad and my FIL are the same. As is my best friend’s husband. I’m straight with mine and tell him to catch up with his programmes later or agree to a start time for activities and stick to them. I tell him to get off his arse and help.. And these men have to be told MORE THAN ONCE? And their partners stay with them. Bloody hell. It’s depressing to see so many downtrodden apologists for male selfishness and fuckwittery on this thread.

[chrisie16]

You're the weak link in his chain. If you didn't do what you do, he couldn't do what he does. So, stop doing what you do. Take care of you and the kids, but that's it. Do nothing else. I had to do this, because I was accused of sitting on my fat arse all day. I'm 4' 11" and weighed less than 7 stone, wringing wet. I've never had a fat arse! Every time he asked me, have you done such and such, I just said, no, I've been sat on my fat arse all day. I did it for a week. By Friday, he said, ok, I get the point. Things changed for the better after that. If you let it happen, it will keep happening. Good luck!

[Alexapourmeadrink]

Without living with the OP and her husband, we don’t know how much down time either gets. We don’t know if she is passive aggressive and rants AFTER he has watched the sports. Perhaps, like my DH, he’s not instinctive and needs to be told. My dad and my FIL are the same. As is my best friend’s husband. I’m straight with mine and tell him to catch up with his programmes later or agree to a start time for activities and stick to them. I tell him to get off his arse and help.

I’m not defending either of them (OP and her DH) because unless we are them we wont see the whole picture. She’s asked for advice and I’ve offered it. I’m trying to be positive and point out that everyone is different. Some spouses are switched on, some aren’t. That’s the human race. If this family/marriage is suffering then action needs to be taken and OP can which advice she wants to follow.

It’s a waste of time and energy to be angry with each other. Draw a line under the past and work on a solution. If it involves regular reminders until it’s instinctive, so be it. If all marriages/families were the same, we’d be in Stepford!

OP my advice to you is to sit down with DH soon, no distractions, work out a solution but don’t expect miracles right away. Suggest he delegates work more, suggest he puts an “out of office” message on his email system to remind senders of office hours. Business owners who promote a healthy work/life balance are more successful.

He might have good suggestions for you too, to balance your own work, childcare and “me time”.

There are a lot of people here angry on your behalf and they’re empathising but not offering realistic solutions/advice.

[ducks into fall out shelter to avoid a blasting!]

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants I think you've behaved badly and you were not being supportive. Ditto on a good debate but little time for supercillious agression.

[BenWillbondsPants]

@winniestone37

Do I think that the OP should be outraged? Yes I do. I don't believe that her husband is treating her or their children well.

Do I think that insulting me again by questioning my intelligence is kind? No I don't.

You take issue with me trying to support another woman who has posted because she feels unhappy, yet you continue to insult me personally and accuse me of saying things that I haven't said. (At no time did I suggest the OP become angry or call her husband anything). Perhaps you don't like my take on the OP's issue and that's absolutely fine, I have no issue with you disagreeing with me. I just don't know why you have to be so personal in doing so.

I won't respond to you again. I like a good debate on Mumsnet, but I'm not after a bunfight and it seems that you are.

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants do you really think encouraging outrage in the OP and implying her husband should just 'know' how she feels is an intelligent response? Do you think using terms like grown assed man to tear someone down is nice? Do you think encouraging engagement and communication rather than expecting people to know how others feel, to take responsability for your needs in a relationship is a good and helpful thing?

[BenWillbondsPants]

@winniestone37

Not entirely sure you know what hyperbole is. Well, being an English teacher, I'm pretty sure I do.

Can you point out where in my post that I suggested that the OP get angry call her husband anything please?

We obviously have a very different view on this. My husband has never needed me to tell him to spend time with me, or our children, he wants to. You mention women 'tearing other women's husband's down' - I actually think it's pretty insulting to the OP's husband to suggest that he doesn't have the intelligence to know that he needs to nurture his relationships.

[winniestone37]

@BenWillbondsPants you're quite right I shouldn't comment on you personally and apologise for that. Not entirely sure you know what hyperbole is though. Should this women talk to her husband talk to her husband about how she feels, yes. Should she get angry and call him a grown assed man, no, that's childish. She's not a victim she's an adult who needs to learn to talk about her needs.

[BenWillbondsPants]

@winniestone37

'Hurling phrases'? Good grief, talk about hyperbole?

Yet you're quite happy to assume you know about my own relationship (you couldn't be more wrong) and call me childish for having a different view on this poster and her children being treated, in my opinion, pretty badly. I don't think that's ok.

I would never insult you personally, it's a shame you can afford me the same courtesy.

[gottogonow]

You are perfectly justified in wanting more family time and need to follow your instincts as it’s not in balance at the moment. Your situation is not relevant all that matters is how you feel. You are obviously covering a lot with minimal time out, it’s important that this is recognised. It may take a bit of effort to redress the balance but good luck and it’s quite right to feel it needs sorting.