To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

[CraftyYankee]

And does he spend any time with his other child?

[Zeezee82]

OP you need to be more assertive. YANBU!
Give him options such as “are you bathing the children or making the packed lunches?”
On Sundays if you’re doing a job, he’s doing a job. If he needs to work, then so do you so he can have this hour while you keep the children entertained and then you have this hour while he takes them to the park.
You’re making life far too easy for him at the moment

[Myriade]

I would want to review what he is adding to your life apart from more washing and some money??

Because he sure isnt involved in family life and seems to have no interest in is dcs or yourself.

Ive had conversation with H before where I reminded him that if we were divorced, he would have no other chice thans spending half of his weekend woth his dcs and it migt be better if eh chose to do that NOW with the dcs and me instead of waiting for a dovorce to start taking interest in hs dcs....

[Lou12124]

Sounds exactly how my life used to be! My H would just get so used to working and then everything being done for him and would expect his weekend to be for him to relax as hes been busy working. I have 3 kids under 3 and work 3 nights a week 6pm-2am...

I was really sick one day when was meant to be going to the beach with MIL, H and kids. I said to H I cant go so he would have to go with MIL and kids. He went. I stayed in bed the whole day...didnt do any chores, dinner wasnt ready when he got in, I couldnt bath the kids as was so I'll. The next day he said to me that he has it easy. He doesn't know how SAHM do it and manage the house and kids. He now always chips in with bath time...helping do chores and we work as a team.

OP go out for the whole day and the day leading up to it (as hard as it is with things being messy) dont do the housework/washing/chores. Dont do any of it. Your H will then realise what you do and how hard it is for you on your own. Sometimes they need to physically see what you do...then have the chat of how unappreciated you feel and how your kids are missing out on a dad/family which is not fair

[Myriade]

Sorry just realised that your dcs are on th spectrum.

With thata ddition, your DH is TWAT of the biggest order. Not only he is not participating but he also is bsically stepping out all the parenting that comes with dealing with two dcs with SN.

I would question of he isnt on the spectrum himself tbh but as far as I am concerned, it doesnt take hom off the hook re parenting his own dcs.

[Myriade]

Btw, I agree with @Lou12124 about leaving him with the kids.
My H is somehwre on the spectrum and it took him more than a day to rea;ise how hard it was. But he did (and yes did help more and stepped up more after that)

[Elsie1966]

This is me NOW. I'm 53, dc all grown up with families so just me and dh. When I challenged him on going somewhere one w/end he lost it and said if I wanted someone to take me out for meals ect I should get a divorce and go find someone else
I'm still here atm still stuck in on w/ends but slowly building confidence back to change things.

[burninglikefire]

This sounds very hard for you.

With 3 autistic children - do you think your husband could also be on the spectrum? If so, would he do more if he had some very definite and clear guidance from you re what you wanted?

[Feefsie]

We both work full time and have done ever since our 2 were born. My husband also goes back to work every night as he’s the key holder and has to secure the building. I have a challenging job in IT and have always been the main earner. We don’t have any family living close by. We spend most weekends doing jobs, homework, clubs, and trying to spend some time together as a family. I am meeting myself coming back and feel that I’m doing everything terribly, being a Mum, wife and worker. You are very lucky to have this opportunity to spend so much time with your kids. Do you have financial worries, is your DH working extra hard to keep up your lifestyle?

[Nettie1964]

I had to go on strike for 2 days (childish) to make my husband a father. I was a SAHM and weekends meant he went to football matches and then Sunday lunch with patents and general relaxation for him. It worked he was a fab dad

[gamerchick]

Maybe the children aren't the perfect normal ones he'd hoped for.. shame really as you can't go back!

You know, there's increasing evidence that you see an autistic child and you'll find a close family member also on the spectrum. It's the reason so many adults are seeking and getting a diagnosis later on in life.

[FelicisNox]

@thepinkp YANBU.

He needs to get his act together. I understand your frustration as my DH works for himself and luckily we're 20 yrs into our marriage and the kids are older so I'm not that bothered but 10 yes ago I'd have been tearing my hair out.

Just talk to him and try to be calm and put it across as: we miss you're company rather than: you're letting us down.

Phrasing is everything.

[FelicisNox]

Apologies for spelling and grammar. 😂

[glennamy]

It is called sacrifice... I bet he just loves being at work all the time providing for his family and missing out on all those goals that children hit... Weekends are now becoming the norm for a lot of people. Jobs/careers these days are working outside the usual (paid for) hours... and it stinks for all involved!

[thepinkp]

@gamerchick pretty obvious to me it's genetic. When our first son was born I recall him looking for signs. 'Oh he give good eye contact' he's engaging with you.. that all changed and it got to the point where I could no longer dry my hair or hoover the house as it sent my poor little one wild! By the time the penny dropped I was pregnant with my second child. Both boys both with autism. His first born from his previous marriage also a boy with autism. I was so naive! No look at me 😐 and in answer to a pp he did have contact with his first son, however as he got older he realised all dad was good for was money. He's since gone through uni and moved to Ireland.

[CraftyYankee]

So your DH may or may not have autism. He definitely doesn't have any idea of how to be an involved parent. The question is, does he have any interest in learning? Judging from what you say about his older son, perhaps not.

[UnderHisEyeBall]

OP, if you want to continue with this men are from Mars, women are from Venus narrative then do so. Otherwise stop putting up with it!

[Commonwasher]

I feel for you OP and you’ve had a hard time on here for making a reasonable point; you both work hard - you both need downtime as well as family time.

Does your H have a ‘work hard, play hard’ mentality? I’m asking incase he’s opting to work in his office in order to kind of justify watching the rugby plus the football while he knows you are doing all the housework plus sorting the kids? The ‘i deserve my down time because i’m so busy at work’ makes for a vicious circle. More work = more tv/sleep/golf, It’s all very well but if he doesn’t also value your work, both paid and as a sahm, and make time accordingly for you to rest and for him to share some childcare/home responsibility - something is awry. He isn’t valuing what you do.

That’s all aside from the fact his children would benefit from his company.

Good luck xx

[Damntheman]

Sacrifice my arse glennamy don't be so gross. It's called ducking into the office/tv in order to avoid any semblance of parenting.

[Jack80]

I would say please can you send emails while we are out so we can at least get out of the house.

[HandsOffMyRights]

OP, does he see his other child? What's their relationship like?

Why did he split up with his wife?

I'm really angry on your behalf and I want you to be angry too.

[thepinkp]

@glennamy how many times do I have to say this.. I WORK I EARN MONEY AND CONTRIBUTE! You know what this thread has show me, that some just assume us mums who stay at home are kept women and should put up and shut up. Not the fucking case and if I did work full time I'd earn more than my husband. I chose to stay at home with the children and it's a bloody good job I did as no nursery would take my eldest without full 1-2-1 support so actually working was impossible and still is.

I'm not coming back to read this thread again, it's upsetting quite frankly.

[Alexapourmeadrink]

I see both sides. Your husband believes he has to work all the time to build the business, it’s an expectation he has maybe imposed on himself. He has gotten into a (bad) habit and needs to retrain in parenting/being a husband.

I would suggest agreeing a schedule, eg every other weekend, to start with. He has to commit to at least 6 hours focused family time.

“On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances. In Lally's study, it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit.“

You also need time alone. If getting babysitters isn’t easy (I struggle with that!) you can still have a “date night” regularly at home with NO technology! Including your mobile to check MN!!!

I really hope you can resolve this for all your sakes. The kids will pick up on the tension and ASD kids are more intuitive then people believe.

💐

[Damntheman]

That's not the impression I get Alexa. I mean.. does he also believe he has to watch the rugby/football/whatever is on tv all the time too? He's got time for that, but not to be involved with his children so his partner (WHO ALSO FUCKING WORKS - not that this is particularly relevant anyway) doesn't have to shoulder the full load 24/7. Seems to me like he's deliberately using his business to get out of parenting.

[exaltedwombat]

He's running a company. He's married to the company too. He has to be. Hard situation for you, but I think you have to just cope.