To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

[Tessabelle74]

Could you increase your hours so he could cut back on his? My husband works full time, I work part time so I expect to pull the bulk of the child related work but if he's off at the weekend (he's on a rota he can't control) then he's at home so maybe your husband could do one weekend off a month (or similar) and treat it like shift work?

[LolaSmiles]

Wow, have the huns invaded, or or did I just teleport back to the 1950s?
It is a bit like that.

I have some sympathy for genuine workaholic tendencies. I also think that the nature of the business and the set up of it will affect the hours worked.

What I think is a piss take and hugely out of order is that he magically finds time to sit and watch sport on the telly, has time to sit on his arse whilst his wife makes him breakfast, has time to laze about doing his stuff and then suddenly can't possibly do any adulting or parenting because he has work to do. It seems like he's quite convenient when he can/can't do work

[Jennifer2r]

I think it's time for you to find a reason to go away for a week, op.

[Quartz2208]

A friends husband runs a Michelin starred restaurant he works huge hour weeks and he finds time for his family

He isn’t a workaholic he had time to watch sport etc

[Atalune]

The sports watching and the total checking out of family life is just so shit.

[Snog]

Can you schedule an activity for the children at the weekend that daddy takes them to? Ballet or riding lessons or whatever?

And also give him some regular responsibility at the weekends - changing the beds, making breakfast, walking the dog with the kids, cooking Sunday lunch or whatever.

And also schedule some family days out maybe once a fortnight or once a month.

[Bluntness100]

I don't understand, you say if you could walk away you would. Why can't you? And agreee with a previous poster, why are you making him a cooked breakfast?

[CherryPavlova]

Maybe Instead of pretending you don’t care and setting ultimatums, you should be clear you and the children want him with you for at least part of the weekends.
Ask him to help plan as your idea offun may be his idea of the sky falling in. Soft play comes to mind - some think these are fun and healthy environments whereas I see them as built by the devil to destroy imagination, create hostility and make parents uncomfortable.
Assuming he has a work smartphone, you could go somewhere nice (for me that would be an Autumnal beach or country walk) and he can do emails in the car or in a cafe whilst the children jump waves or hunt for fir cones to spray for Christmas.
It’s perfectly possible to have a present husband/father and for him to do his work emails.

[Windygate]

thepinkp you got yourself into a very vulnerable position. Your H has no respect for you and has completely checked out (or never in) of family life and being an actual parent.

You don't have paid employment and he is self employed, that gives you very little security. He may never change but as you enable his behaviour why would he change.

[NameChangeNugget]

Could you swap roles?

[Gingerbreadsonme]

Laughing at those defending OP’s husband, who is quite clearly (from the information given) using work to avoid family life. Can only assume they have shitty husbands too (or do the same themselves)...

Me and DH both have one of those jobs you can use as an excuse to work every hour god sends - but because it’s the same one the other knows that that would be out of choice, not necessity. So between us, we work as much as necessary to keep it all ticking over and then prioritise family/kids. We know plenty of couples where the bloke just disappears to his study all weekend, doesn’t get him til god knows when...

It’s miserable OP, stick up for yourself!

[SunniDay]

Your husband should be contributing to home routines and tasks but the sad part is the effect his absence will have on his relationships with you and the kids.

I reckon start with a bang and tell him don't make plans next Sunday- he's busy. Book some tickets for your local farm park/theme park or whatever it is your kids like and try to re-engage as a family by having some fun. If you really want to show him you mean business you could send just him and the kids. However If you do go - while you are there - you could ask him how he plans to make sure he has a little fun with the kids every week. Time when dad wants to be with them (just him sometimes) will be so good for their wellbeing and self esteem and of course it won't always be a theme park but a bike ride, a trip to the park or an ice cream shop etc- anything would be great.

[Alittleodd]

I was like this when I was teaching, I was in a senior role and had a huge class load so the work never ended. I will say quite a lot of the time when I shut myself away at weekends I was avoiding family commitments and I also felt that because I never spent any time with my son I didn't really know what I was doing with him. I still found time to watch TV, relax, go out with friends but I was at my absolute bandwidth limit and couldn't cope with anything that looked like responsibility.

So I sort of understand his position. And I do know when you feel out of your depth in life working loads, probably more than you have to can make you feel in control.

That isn't to say that what he's doing is acceptable. It isn't. I had to completely re-evaluate my life including lots of therapy, setting up my own business and finding new ways to work that allowed for a schedule that suits all three of us. Although my husband still carries some resentment (rightly so) for the years where it was all on him so the damage isn't entirely undone.

So YANBU and "he's working to earn a wage be grateful" is bollocks. BUT it also may not be as simple as him being slack and avoiding family life because he can't be arsed.

Good luck, OP. I hope you can work something out for the better.

[Damntheman]

I'm also shocked at anyone defending this man.

OP he's being selfish and apparently avoiding having to spend any time with his kids.

Stop enabling him. Start TELLING him to do things. "Put the shopping away while I wipe off the benches and then we can play a board game with the kids." Don't let him get away with it!

He can send his emails in the evening, he can record the rugby/football if it's genuinely that important but I'm willing to bet it's just a handy mechanism to not actually have to do any housework/parenting.

What an arse.

[thepinkp]

@Windygate I DO have paid employment and do work hard myself.. thanks for all your input everyone.

After I'd put the kids to bed and finally sat down I asked him if he felt he could do more to pitch in - the response was just tell me what I need to do.. I shall be more assertive going forward and see if he actually steps up and helps a little more.

[Alittleodd]

@thepinkp that's a really good start! I know you shouldn't have to tell him what to do but if you're doing the emotional labour of noticing it all regardless may as well pass some of the physical labour on to him! Some people really don't "see" what needs doing - and although it can be laziness or being an arse it can also be a genuine lack of awareness.

This thread has really touches me as I'm currently standing in the kitchen working through a list of jobs my husband has left me. He notices things around the house, I genuinely don't or I forget about them or I put them on the back burner and then never come back to them. It's not ideal, but it's what we've got and communication always makes it so much better.

Have some of these OP (they are my very first ones I've given away!)

[Brefugee]

oh OP - stop half the wifework. Go shopping and then absent yourself while he puts it away.
Don't do his admin, washing, cooking (not for ever, just until you reach a workable compromise)

Also: Go out on your own. Make sure your children know to bang on the office door if he's in there and they need something.

(I once said "let's get a dishwasher" and got the reply "grumble I do all the bloody washing up anyway grumble" - he didn't - so I said "fine. I don't ever wash up ever again. That's a good deal" and 2 weeks later got home to find the plumber just finishing off...)

[timeisnotaline]

Well, I guess he’s said he will do whatever you want. I would designate him responsible for a weekend class- swimming or similar. Responsible means you barely know what time it’s on, don’t know what they need to wear and don’t really know where it is. If he turns up with all the wrong shit and complains you can say ‘darling you’re a capable man I assumed you could read what’s needed, maybe even phone... I fact I know you can so just get it right for next week ok? Don’t let your kids down.’

And one evening a week. Non negotiable. The first few times you should take yourself out- gym, work in cafe, catch up with friends, it doesn’t matter. Come back when they’re in bed and say it was mum version of theres sports on, except I’m limiting it to once a week not all potential family time so it’s nothing like your sports watching.

[BlingLoving]

I'm a little surprised everyone is focusing on the work here. Sorry OP, but your husband is a twat - he is using work and other activities to avoid family life.

I am self employed and the main breadwinner. And it is hard. But what gives isn't time with my family, but rather time for myself. Not always ideal, but there it is. The whole watching rugby and football for what sounds like probably at least 5 hours on the weekend is a huge issue for me. I can't imagine a situation where if I've got work tod o on the weekend I'm ALSO spending that much time sitting on my butt.

And don't even get me started on you making him breakfast etc. What was he doing during all this?

[although my ONLY small criticism is why are you doing so many domestic chores on the weekend if the kids are at school during the day? Surely you should be able to have at least some sit down time? ]

[Windygate]

thepinkp I'd missed that you work from home, sorry.

[CassianAndor]

thepinkp nope, that response doesn't cut it. It's not your job to tell him what to do, it's his job as a husband and parent to open his fucking eyes and start taking note.

You can tell him this from me OP - FIL was apparently like this all through DH's childhood. Eventually, quite late in the day, MIL left him. It left him bereft, he had no idea how to live and his life has slid pretty downhill since then. Now he has dementia and his relationship with his DC is such that he's pretty much on his own.

So if your DH wants to end his days like that, he can crack on.

[Durgasarrow]

Frau Haribo is being unpleasant--you are making a perfectly reasonable point, OP.

[Durgasarrow]

When one's kids are young, something has to give. OP's husband isn't choosing to invest in his relationship with his family. She's been making him breakfast as an act of kindness, love, and commitment. Up until now. He just isn't reciprocating or appreciating her efforts. She does appreciate his hard work. But you also only have one chance to love your kids when they are young.

[LolaSmiles]

After I'd put the kids to bed and finally sat down I asked him if he felt he could do more to pitch in - the response was just tell me what I need to do.. I shall be more assertive going forward and see if he actually steps up and helps a little more.
At the risk of sounding blunt, you need to change your mindset and sharpish.

He isn't helping out. My DH pointed this out to me a few years ago after seeing a post on Facebook where a dad kicked off about the phrases babysitting and helping.

Men in relationships aren't HELPING the women in their lives, because it isn't some nice little favour that the woman should be grateful for. They are taking on a fair share of household responsibilities because they are a grown ass adult.
Dads looking after their kids aren't babysitting or HELPING with childcare. They don't need a gold star. They are doing their fair share of parenting their children.

"Helping" implies that the default is the woman does it all and because they're a nice generous man they might consider lifting a finger. No genuinely progressive man who believes in equality would consider household responsibilities or parenting their children to be "helping"

The fact he tells you to "tell him" what needs to be done shows you he is a man with the "helping" mindset. A grown up man who believes inel equality wouldn't do that. They'd see the laundry needs doing and just do it because it clearly needs doing. They cut the lawn, because it needs doing. They go and play with the children and entertain them because that's what needs doing. Equitable men don't need a chore list like a child.

[Atalune]

There is a brilliant article that did the rounds in 2016 and I’ll post the link.

But this excerpt I think may resonate with your situation....

I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
But she didn’t want to be my mother.
She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household

It is also worth considering are you trying to be “cool wife”. My best friend, one of the most intelligent and accomplished women i know is a “cool wife” and her husband treats her and the children as inconveniences to his fun 90%of the time.