To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

Sadly some people will use work as a way to work out of family time / commitments as they don't actually want to spend time as a family / look after the kids. You need to work out if your DH is just rubbish at prioritising the urgent and important work in working hours or if he really doesn't want to spend time with you and the kids and is hiding behind job pressures. Anyone can be extremely busy at work but it doesn't mean they are being productive or doing the necessary work

“If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction”.

So he’s insisting that work has to be done and then complaining that you don’t wait around? He wants to have his cake and eat it doesn’t he? Either he accepts that working as he does will mean less family time, or he changes his working habits accordingly. Obviously you’d prefer the latter, but at least if he does one or the other you’ll have more certainty. As it is he’s just being a selfish, petulant fucker.

It also sounds like you need to have a good sit down with him and lay in the line how his work behaviour is making you feel. Calmly and comprehensively. He’s the boss, maybe he needs to think about employing more people, or getting better at delegation. And whatever you do, don’t let him fudge things by talking vaguely about stuff that has to be done but which you won’t understand- you’re clearly intelligent and experienced in the workplace so make him have the respect to explain the pressures he is under to you in proper detail, give you the full context. He’s probably avoiding that because he doesn’t want you to challenge him.

yanbu

I agree with PP - sadly your DH doesn't appear to be particularly interested in you or his children.

Have you pointed out to him that the way he is conducting himself is training you up nicely to operate as a single parent?

You need to work out if your DH is just rubbish at prioritising the urgent and important work in working hours or if he really doesn't want to spend time with you and the kids and is hiding behind job pressures. Anyone can be extremely busy at work but it doesn't mean they are being productive or doing the necessary work

Hear hear @perplexedagain. And bear in mind this guy doesn’t have a manager to spot this sort of behaviour and challenge it, so easy to see how he might have fallen unchallenged into this way of working. That’s why he owes it to OP to be honest about why his work is impinging so much in family time.

Ffs what are all the sly digs about OP working part time for?! If she worked full time they would probably spend a fortune on childcare, she’s probably saving them a lot of money by being around for the kids. Christ women criticising other women’s life choices again!

OP tell him calmly but firmly that you are sick of you and the kids being so low on his list of priorities. That if he wants to continue being in the family then he had better start participating more in family life.

I run my own business and could easily work late nights and 7 days a week if I wanted to/had to, but I don't... when the workload got too much, I took someone on 1 day a week. When it increased, I increased her to 2 days a week.

I am a single parent whose child rarely sees their other parent, so I have to make time for them. I finish early 2-3 nights a week to spend time with them and try not to work on Saturdays except for 1 exceptional month a year when I literally have to work 31 days in a row.

I make time because I have to, because I want to and because I need to. Your H is choosing not to. He doesn't have to send those emails today. He chose to watch the rugby. He has put you and the kids at the bottom of the list and that is what needs to change.

If your H doesn't have time for admin, then he needs to be either setting aside a day, or employing someone to do it. How much work does the golf/lunches generate? Is there any admin that you could do for him? If it is a Limited Company, he could make you a director and he could then pay wages or dividends etc as necessary.

If you were to quit the marriage because you would rather be in control of your own life (my friend did this after being fed up hanging around for her H all the time), then your H would have to find the time for his children, or never see them and that would be a choice he would have to make.

You need to work out if your DH is just rubbish at prioritising the urgent and important work in working hours or if he really doesn't want to spend time with you and the kids and is hiding behind job pressures

Or if he's just really busy at work

When I've worked long hours, I tend to be too tired to want to go out much at the weekend. Are there indoor/in your own garden activities your husband and children might want to do together? Spending time together doesn't have to mean going out for an "activity" [though I get there might need to be some going out for groceries/other shopping/banking etc]

It’s a shame the OP mentioned being a SAHP, as some posters will inevitability focus on that and use it to blame her for the fact that her DH would rather watch televised sport when he’s not working than spend time with his young family.

You need to find a reason to leave the house on either a Sat or a Sunday and let him mind the kids alone. Otherwise, even when you are all out together, you have responsibility for the kids. Does he ever look after them on his own? At the moment it's your shift 24/7.
As long as you keep minding them all the time he will be in the comfortable position of being able to take them or leave them to you.

I suspect the DC are pretty young OP? Are they girls?
My thoughts would be that he's deliberately avoiding family time/ finds it boring. Watching rugby isn't work. That's a choice.

I could have written your post 3 years ago. The kids just got used to me doing everything. We’re separated now and the kids said they didn’t notice much difference when their father moved out. He only has them for 3 or 4 hours once a week now and seems happy with that 😢

I shall do some crafts with the kids to keep them occupied

Why?

You have to take some responsibility for perpetuating the situation.

Instead of keeping the kids occupied whilst he watches football, you should go out and leave them with him. Go and have your time. Let him parent his children for once.

I just want him to spend some time with the kids

It sounds like he is avoiding spending time with them. Did he actively want children initially?

@Seaweed42 I have on the odd occasion gone to a class at the gym on a Sunday but gave up trying the day I came home and found them raiding the freezer and eating all the ice lollies and H upstairs in his office totally unaware! They are a little older now and I doubt they'd do it again but he will literally leave them to fend for themselves and only intervene if a shouting match kicks off. We've had this conversation before and no doubt it will continue - find some time to spend with the kids .. blah blah. We have a garden but weather isn't great today and it's harvest time here walking the fields isn't an option as we have so many tractors here. I guess I'm just having one of those days. Being the stay at home parent is hard going, as well as juggling work running the house! Yes we have nice holidays and don't want for stuff however money cannot buy happiness. I often wonder why the sahm gets such a battering .. I guess I'll just have my nails done, go to the gym and put up and shit up eh! 🙄

now we are raving back for football on tv. I shall do some crafts with the kids to keep them occupied

What was his response, after you told him how dangerous it was to leave young children completely unsupervised?
(as he did by being oblivious upstairs)

Unfortunately, I think he's just a selfish wally who always puts himself first.

The old cliche is Work to Live, not Live to Work, and that is where your DH is going wrong.

Maybe he feels that he needs to provide you with a certain standard of living or holidays. If you would rather that he gave you his time than material things, then tell him that.

You need to have a serious discussion with him and lay it on the line, that he needs to step back just a little and spend time with his family. If he comes up with excuses, then try and find a solution to each problem.

Yes, he needs to run the business and yes, some people do work Sundays, (I am today in my home office), but not everybody does, not every week, at the expense of their family life.

He should be able to have an admin day a week, or finish early on a Weds, or something that will make you happy.

Another friends XH changed completely after she ended the marriage due to him never being at home and his new wife gets all the weekends away and holidays etc that the first wife didn't, because he knows what can happen if he doesn't make time for her and the DC. The business hasn't collapsed, it has miraculously continued...

I wouldn’t even say you are a SAHP OP. You’re a WAHP. If your skills are valuable enough to earn good money doing 15 hours a week from home, then you are worthy of admiration in my book!

@SherbetSaucer yes, total agreement in having kids. In fact up until we met I wasn't ever that bothered.. oh how times change

I could have guessed self employed - they have no filter on downtime and its not good for them or the family. He is choosing - choosing to deprioritise his family that he chose in the first place and choosing to alienate them by not being present for them at the weekend even if its just one day. A shift in availability may take some time to implement but I do think down time is important and healthy and having one day a week which is non negotiable is reasonable. It clearly earns decent money as it enables you to be at home but then that enables him to earn and not be around in the week. I think saying he clearly needs to work and he has no choice is disingenuous, of course she could go out to work but that then also impacts on his ability to work in the week how he is. There is always a balance. If dropping 10 till 6 one day a week effects income that much maybe he ought to charge more for the rest of the week or look at reducing costs to earn in that time. 24/7 working is bad for him and his family

there's always time for golf, nice lunches etc.

Well - when he's old and his kids don't give a shit about him because he's barely been in their lives, I hope his golfing buddies visit him, get his shopping etc

yes, total agreement in having kids. In fact up until we met I wasn't ever that bothered.. oh how times change

Ha- funny how he can delegate responsibility for the kids, but not for the work!

And yes, how exactly did he react when it became apparent that he had neglected his children by leaving them unattended when he was in sole charge? That isn’t something you just laugh off- you are both lucky it wasn’t a lot lot worse than them just eating too many lollies

Bollocks does anybody, especially not a company director, have to work so hard that they never see their kids. They are just bad at prioritising and bad parents. If the likes of Barack Obama and Sheryl Sandberg can manage it, so can OPs husband. Some of these responses are out of the fucking arc.

Can't really help but certainly feel for you. I had enough of it being the same for me day in day out, regardless if it was the weekend or even on holiday. He was a lovely man who worked hard for us, but he saw weekend as his downtime to do as he liked. He'd quite happily go out on a 3 to 5 hour run but if I asked for 30 mins to catch up on some sleep he'd get narky that he'd have to keep the kids quiet. On holidays I still did all the "housework" and cooking but at least would play with the kids, again would go out on runs and be annoyed if I wanted some downtime.

We seperated 2 years ago now and he had a big shock having to do all the housework and look after the kids half the week. I loved it!! Am.so much happier now.

He's also go a new girlfriend and they love to do sporting things together, even go away to do it, so we are both happier.