To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

[IdblowJonSnow]

Your DH is taking the piss. Please get him told. He completely sees you as the primary carer - kids and house stuff is totally your job in his eyes.
How old are your children?
You need to have some time for yourself with him engaging with the kids in your absence.

[museumum]

I run my own business. A proper professional salary earning business.
Every woman I know who also does this says that it gives them more flexibility and control to spend time with their family.
So why is it so many men who run their own businesses are so terribly important they can’t possibly pull their weight at home?

[Purpleartichoke]

Btdt

“I’ve just got to pop into my office to check my email”. Cue 10 minutes of work and 3 hours of surfing the internet

You need to have a conversation with him at a time when you aren’t trying to go out. It won’t likely fix the problem, but you have to try. Slowly over time, the office pop ins will get shorter, or you will get more forceful about ending them.

I’m off to drag my DH out of his office now. We have chores to do today and he should be doing his share.


(And before anyone says I shouldn’t complain about dh’s Job, I earn more than him and have a job that carries more responsibility than him, yet somehow, I still make time for the family)

[FrauHaribo]

Every woman I know who also does this says that it gives them more flexibility and control to spend time with their family.
So why is it so many men who run their own businesses are so terribly important they can’t possibly pull their weight at home?

It's not about being important, it's about choices. I so completely disagree it's a woman vs men issue btw, I know just as many men sticking to a strict family/work schedule than women working all hours of the day.

Running a business in itself means nothing. I know a few people earning an absolute fortune sticking to "business hours", because that's the nature of theirs. I also know others who had to work ridiculous hours 7 days a week to get the business running, and hadn't slow down much in the next year but are making a success.

Be honest, how many new "business" collapse because people didn't spend enough time in it?

[LolaSmiles]

Doesn't help you work out if the kids come in at a high level and coast (good exam result school) or go in low but out perform expectations significantly (still one of the lowest school in respect of exam results).
I think frauharribo makes some good points.
It's about the nature of the person and the nature of the business.

I know many women who put long hours into their careers either because they are driven into setting up their business or they are workaholic types. They set their business up / got their promoted job because it suited their career ambitions. They may get childcare or cleaners to help facilitate their career, or have a DP/DH with a more typical 9-5.

Equally, there are women who choose to set up their own business because they want a better work/life balance, or because they want more time with kids.

Those two groups of women will make different choices regarding their home lives because their motivations are different.

Fathers are no different.

I would imagine there's a big difference between people who are driven to set businesses up/chase promotion etc before having a family, and people who opt to go self employed after family for family reasons. I would also guess, perhaps unfairly, that those going self employed because they want to have more time at home will probably be setting up a business that enables that (so would be less likely to choose a business that requires them being "on" all the time).

[thepinkp]

Watched the football then went back upstairs.. I do another work task. I honestly think he just can't help it - workaholic type! I worked for an hour this morning after doing breakfast for the kids who then settle down on the sofa with their iPads whilst I rushed through my tasks on my laptop. I then cooked breakfast for H who came down to settle on the sofa and continue to watch the rugby. I then did two loads of washing, menu planned the weeks meals, did the shopping list, hung the washing, changed the beds and hoovered all up stairs - kids helped as I like to give them tasks at the weekend helping round the house.. some may disagree but I refuse to bring up two kids who think it's not their job! We then walked the dog, he stayed indoors at his laptop as the rugby finished. Back home after late lunch out and shopping - back at the tv for footie whilst I put away all the shopping, did homework with kids. Put washing away, cleared out the pantry and cleaned the fridge. I'm just about to go upstairs and sort out the weeks uniform and then do the packed lunches. Dinner is on - late as we've had such a late lunch.. I'll bath them of course and get them settled by 8/8.30 at this rate. Busy day I'd say for a sahm/wahm something has to change.

[user764329056]

You talk about raising kids who have chores but what about him being an equal parent at the weekend and doing his share of all that needs doing? Sounds like the entire family schedule is around him

[BenWillbondsPants]

Do you have your own business @FrauHaribo?

[PrettyPurse]

OP - you sound like a mug.

Why are you just letting him sit on his arse?? Ask him...or in fact just tell him to help. No point moaning on here otherwise

[0hT00dles]

Going through this as well at the minute. My dh isn't self employed but his job is 24/7...so much so, he's been told to turn his phone off on al...but this isn't fair on him as he has to actually switch it off.

For me it's the mundane tasks of bed making and breakfast. Same in, day in/day out. We had our dd's best friend for the day yesterday and today again. We've rowed all day about me taking other people's kids as he says 'when do you get a break, we're not a free babysitter!' And he is right. But as I pointed out to him, it's the everyday things.

The 'hello, are you listening?' Whilst checking emails. And the 'oh I just need to check this is done correctly as it's not the right person on'. That's all well and good, but hr are so quick on certain things, but you working 24/7 isn't on their list. I feel your pain.

Being a sahm can be the same shit, different day.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

I’ll bath them of course

Why “of course”?

[timeisnotaline]

Why is any of this ‘of course’? And how is it you are bringing up kids who can do tasks but accept they will see a dad who does fuck all that’s visible to them? We both work busy jobs and we equal parent. He minds the kids while I work and vice versa, not I sneak in my work while the kids are on the iPad and he lets his expand to nearly every hour there isn’t sport on tv.

[thepinkp]

I have tried many times to talk about pitching in, he does it once or twice or when I snap and ask him to help. That shouldn't happen, surely he can see all I'm doing? Anyway, as one delightful person pointed out I'm a mug, I do this for my kids. He's a twat and if I could walk away from this shit I so gladly would. Over and out you've given me enough of a grilling I'm just doing my best 🙌

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Or if he's just really busy at work

But not too busy to take time out to watch sport on tv?

[AlexaAmbidextra]

I then cooked breakfast for H who came down to settle on the sofa and continue to watch the rugby.

For fucks sake why? Just let him starve. You’re acting like his handmaiden.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

But don’t either of you see that things like bathtime are part of how you bond with and relate to your kids? When my husband does bathtime it is not only because somebody needs to make sure DS is clean and I am busy cooking our dinner, it’s because part of their father-son relationship is formed as they chat and play while DS is in the bath. 2 birds with one stone and all that- DH is not actually so great at stand-alone playing so play with a purpose works well for him.

Don’t you and your children feel insulted by how little of a fuck he gives?

[OnceUponAMidnightBeery]

Wow, have the huns invaded, or or did I just teleport back to the 1950s?

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

if I could walk away from this shit I so gladly would.*

What’s stopping you? You and the kids would still get the money he’s earning but you wouldn’t have him “causing friction” and demanding to have his breakfast cooked, plus you’d get proper time off on a regular basis when it was his turn to have the kids.

[RubySlippers77]

Really sorry that you're having a hard time OP. I can imagine it's taken a lot of courage to post on here asking for help.

My DP can be very similar - not so much work at the weekends BUT it's like he feels that he deserves 'time to relax' which of course doesn't include childcare!! My DC are younger than yours and by 9am they're bouncing off the walls wanting to go out; he wants a lie in, followed by a good hour of pottering around, then my heart sinks when he finally comes downstairs and starts poking around in the fridge wanting to make himself an enormous breakfast that NO-ONE ELSE IS REMOTELY INTERESTED IN.....

But yes, similar to what PP have said - he wants to be a good dad by providing for his DC, but doesn't see that what they actually want is his time, rather than him earning £££ and never seeing him!

IMO some men just don't see childcare/ housework/ cooking etc as 'work' unless they are forced to do it in some way. (My MIL is definitely to blame for this as she is such a doormat!!). My DP would happily do absolutely zero round the house if I didn't point out that xyz need doing and it's his turn to do it

Anyhow, sending you and hugs, and I hope things get better for you soon - in one way or another!

[thecatinthetwat]

Your dh is a twat op. Why the fuck is he sitting around watching sport? Selfish, lazy arse twat.

I then cooked breakfast for H who came down to settle on the sofa and continue to watch the rugby.

Why on earth did you do that?

I suspect you are giving him mixed signals. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to pull his weight.

Sometimes dh or I need to send a couple of emails, it takes minutes. Anything that requires more time is done at a convenient time (that doesn’t interfere with family plans) or is done at night.

He is destroying your marriage and does he spend any time with his children at all?

[thecatinthetwat]

Oh and

Please get it sorted op, good luck.

[Mxyzptlk]

Don't cook breakfast for him.
Explain he'll have to see to his own laundry, as you haven't time because of doing everything else.
Go out when you want to, not waiting for him.

Use PP's suggestion of work-free Sundays.

Ask him why he is so inefficient that he has to work at the weekend.

[SerenDippitty]

Bollocks does anybody, especially not a company director, have to work so hard that they never see their kids. They are just bad at prioritising and bad parents. If the likes of Barack Obama and Sheryl Sandberg can manage it, so can OPs husband. Some of these responses are out of the fucking arc.


I agree. Not just bad at prioritising but bad at delegating too.

[BenWillbondsPants]

Bollocks does anybody, especially not a company director, have to work so hard that they never see their kids. They are just bad at prioritising and bad parents. If the likes of Barack Obama and Sheryl Sandberg can manage it, so can OPs husband. Some of these responses are out of the fucking arc.

Agree 100%. I'm quite shocked at any response defending this man for doing fuck all with his kids. The 'he's providing for his family' attitude really pisses me off. We all provide for our families.

[Quartz2208]

Yep why are you cooking him breakfast and watching all the sport and dictating your day