To be frustrated by this every weekend

[thepinkp]

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

[Atalune]

*I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”But she didn’t want to be my mother.She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household

Bold fail!

[Atalune]

I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.
But she didn’t want to be my mother.She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household

[LolaSmiles]

atalune
I love that article.

I disagree on the "cool wife" thing. It's usually used to dismiss women who do things differently or have a different opinion. Your friend isn't being a "cool wife", she's being taken for a mug.

[CassianAndor]

you need to out an asterisk at the beginning and end of every paragraph.

Yes, carting around the mental load isn't helped by the man who helps out when you tell him what to do.

[Atalune]

the article

[CassianAndor]

X post!

[Atalune]

Lola- yes I agree with you! It’s being taken for a mug under a whole new guise. Horrible!

[Booboostwo]

I was you a few months ago. Now I am divorced and, surprise surprise Ex has found time to see the DCs. He is doing a lot more with them than he ever did when we were together. Ironic isn’t it? If he had done some parenting we may never have broken up. Run that past your DH, he is doing less than he would if you were divorced. He is an adult, he knows what needs doing he doesn’t need another adult to manage him, he just needs to sort out his priorities.

[BananaPlant]

I can’t work out why you cooked him breakfast. When did he last cook you breakfast? Let him sort out his own.

And agree with the ‘helping’. Get out of that mindset. You can’t ‘help’ in your own house that you have joint responsibility for. He manages to organise himself at work, he can do it at home too. ‘Just tell me what to do’ is a cop out and still relies on you carrying the mental load.

I think you need to look at the example he is setting to your children. They will see this as normal and will repeat.

[thepinkp]

@Booboostwo sad isn't it. The irony now your H is gone he's stepped up and is doing more!

Thanks for the article I shall most definitely have a read. As for breakfast, I make everyone breakfast on Saturday and Sunday. I like doing so and don't make a bloody mess - if I let him do it believe me every pot and pan in the house would be used and never make it miraculously to the dishwasher! I guess it's the easy option for me.

Both children have Autism so I need to ensure I am around for them hence me taking a step back in the early days of parenting and opting to work from home. Routine is key to their life and I'm passionate about ensuring I do what I can for them.

As for down time / sit down: I have sat down today and re-written a whole ehc plan in between home tasks and work emails. I'm not moaning here but trust me it never ends with two kids with sen. Would I have got married had kids and given up working life for this - hand on heart nope!

I was having a bad day, trying to be more positive today.

[Booboostwo]

Honestly OP, you'll have more time to yourself divorced. Assuming your DH does the minimum of EOW, you'll at least have two weekends a month off.

[Atalune]

if I let him do it believe me every pot and pan in the house would be used and never make it miraculously to the dishwasher! I guess it's the easy option for me

It’s just so sad that you seem ok to be accepting this.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

This a 100 times....

'' He is choosing - choosing to deprioritise his family that he chose in the first place and choosing to alienate them by not being present for them at the weekend even if its just one day''.

I've lost time the number of particularly men I've worked with.. Who hang around offices til 6/7 at night doing pointless tasks/stuff that can be done during normal hours... Or surf net...

And every last one of them has called their families within earshot... saying they can't possibly leave as something urgent/or just finishing off....

They just want to avoid boring family stuff...

Shits the lot of them (I am the child of a father like this...)

[Waveysnail]

You need a 10am weekend activity for the kids every Saturday and Sunday that dh has to take them to

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

OP, how did you, an intelligent woman with a professional career get to the stage where you are thrown the scrap of “just tell me what to do” and think that is acceptable? Others above have gone into this in much more detail re mental load, the fallacy of “helping” etc. I agree 100%. Please dig your self respect out of whatever hole you buried it in when your first child was born and challenge your husband head on. The 100% responsibility for an activity is a great one to get started with. We do this with my son’s swimming. I have no idea where the pool is, what it costs and don’t participate in any sort of kit buying/organisation or washing. DH manages just fine.

And you know what else- he works full time and still washes his own underwear. I have zero tolerance for any man who expects his wife to do that after listening to my father yell ”where are my underpants?!” at my mother throughout my childhood. No way was I following that example.

[LolaSmiles]

As for breakfast, I make everyone breakfast on Saturday and Sunday. I like doing so and don't make a bloody mess - if I let him do it believe me every pot and pan in the house would be used and never make it miraculously to the dishwasher! I guess it's the easy option for me
But he's more than capable of doing it!

There's no grounds for complaining if the other partner is perfectly capable of doing it and then you say "but I like doing it and doing it my way keeps the kitchen tidy". That's bordering on women who moan their DH doesn't do the dishwasher/laundry but when they do, they micromanage and chip in at how they need to do to a certain way.

He can make breakfast. It doesn't matter how much mess is made because we all cook differently.
He can clear it up after too.

If you want it done your way then there's no grounds to complain. Women who take the approach of "oh I do everything because it's easier my way" need a grip giving to them. It doesn't matter if it's your chosen way or not, men should be stepping upa s functioning adults.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Routine is key to their life and I'm passionate about ensuring I do what I can for them.

Just as well since their Dad clearly doesn’t give a shit.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

You do realise that the children having sen means that your husband should be doing MORE don’t you, not that he can leave it all to you because it’s all a bit more hard work and complicated than family life with NT children.

[billy1966]

OP, you sound like a patient Saint with all you do.

Your husband sounds like a selfish, lazy twat who is avoiding family life and leaving you to it.

God help you.

He's no prize. I don't know how you could even look at someone so selfish.

Wishing you strength 💐

[timeisnotaline]

Ok, so he cooks breakfast. And you say please cook breakfast but be aware I’m not setting foot back in the kitchen until it’s cleaned up, I’m not the kitchen maid when you deign to cook. I’ve left a list to remind you what a clean kitchen looks like, you see one every day but in case you’ve forgotten the details (my mum used to leave a list)
Then at noon you say are you making them lunch? Or taking them out? And should you plan dinner or will the kitchen be sparkling so I can cook dinner? Let me know.

[timeisnotaline]

It will be hard work to stay on it, but it shouldn’t take long before you know you’ll get somewhere eventually or he’s just a selfish asshole who never wanted to be in an actual partnership with you and parent his kids.

[FreshwaterBay]

Why not show him this thread @thepinkp

Then he knows he could make changes to save his marriage. It doesn't take rocket science to become better organised, more efficient or even seek professional support if he is struggling in those areas.

And ask him to think seriously if he lives to work or works to live. But tell him you want to hear his answer in a few weeks when he has had time to really think about it.

[CraftyYankee]

Do you think any of this is avoidance because of the SEN? It's not the picture perfect life he imagined with NT children, therefore he has no interest in engaging?

[thepinkp]

@CraftyYankee hmm not sure, he has a son from his previous marriage (yes really) and he was diagnosed with autism. I didn't find this out until we were married and my son was almost 1. In fact I'd never really heard of autism until his mother mentioned it! Maybe the children aren't the perfect normal ones he'd hoped for.. shame really as you can't go back!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

He’s your husband / talk to him. Sorry haven’t read whole thread because the answer is obviously tell him how you feel.