The general public is afraid of disabilities?

[NotANeuroticApple]

I am a wheelchair user. I have various health concerns that mean I am unable to walk long distances and am unsteady on my feet and as such I have to use one to get about safely and within a reasonable timeframe outside.

The general attitude towards people with disabilities is absolutely shocking. If you saw me sat in any other type of chair eg. In a café you'd never know there was anything different about me, I don't "look" disabled and I'm generally well dressed, well spoken etc (not that it should fucking matter!?) I used to be a social worker and although I have had the same health issues for over a decade its only progressed to being unable to work/walk in the last year so I know for sure that the only outward difference between me now and me a year ago is the wheels.

When I'm in my chair I am treated so differently. At best I am treated like a child, at worst its the leery stare of some creepy fucker treating me like a fetish. I am ignored while people talk directly to DH about me, I am moved "out of the way" (I am not a fucking object and I can move my fucking self, thanks.) or reached over in shops (wanna guess how many people drop things in my lap by doing that?! Wanna guess how many people have fallen in my lap doing that?!) The rudeness I get back when I say excuse me as someone is blocking my path and they scream at me about entitlement?! The lack of eye contact, the pity stares, the obvious embarrassment some people have all over their faces when they see me. I could go on for hours... The amount of inconsiderate and even downright disgusting behaviour directed towards me purely because of my chair is abhorrent.

Why is this? Is it really just people being scared of what they don't understand? Honest answers, do disabilities make you uncomfortable? Do you find it difficult to know how to react to disabled people? No judgement here, I really just want to understand where people are coming from because I am not an angry person, I really try to show compassion to everyone I encounter and as I know that society can't change its behaviour overnight so maybe I need to change how I feel about how I am treated and show compassion in the face of ignorance?

I think that people are generally pretty uncomfortable around disabilities. So AIBU?

P.s. I'm a long time lurker since about 2008, I registered today and I'm not writing a bloody article so to anyone who decides I am

I think some people would be dickheads in any case. Not that that's much comfort I know!

Sorry you have it so hard I was a csv volunteer with someone in a wheelchair with cp and people did tend to address me not them. All I could do us redirect them!

I’m always worried i’ll patronise People if I try to help although I still always ask if they need a hand. My father was in a chair so maybe I have a bit of a different view. I usually ask if I see someone struggling to get a wheelchair (or buggy) up or down a kerb and I accept it if the say no. I once saw a wheelchair user putting her groceries on her car and dealing with her excited dog. So as I passed I asked if I could take her basket back to the shop as I was going in anyway. It would save her the bother, she looked taken aback for a few seconds then gave me the basket. DH said he was worried I was going to get a barrage of ‘I can manage etc...’ but I just apply human decency. I also ask if I see sight impaired people if they need me to guide them across roads (even if they have a very smart dog) or of the want an arm to help them off the train or on steps. Manners cost nothing.oh and I help people up when they fall and carry bags for older folk.

That is appalling.

I had a brief insight into what it is like for a wheelchair user when my daughter was temporarily in one. She became invisible. It was so upsetting.

I have been educated by wheelchair users before, as to what to do and what not to do. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and reminding me. But basic bloody courtesy and manners should be a given, surely. You are a person with equal rights. You just happen to be in a chair.

I work in community care have done for 25yrs with learning difficulties and the elderly and i have witnessed excatly what you have written in my job role .People addressing me instead of the person i am supporting when the person can totally answer for themselves .Mickey taking that made me really angry it was vile. But the worst that sticks in my mind was i was supporting an individual with learning difficulties .A small child was looking at us the parent actually said don't worry the nasty looking lady will be gone soon .Wtaf .Couldn't say anything as i was a work and it was a rule we were not to retaliate but i was furious .This was a few years ago and it still riles me to think about it .My children were and are being brought up to see past a disability and see the person not the disability.Not everyone is like this though i have met lovely people who are the total opposite .So no op i don't think that yabu

[lol] at the

I think people mostly don't know what to do in case they offend; I find the majority of people are OK. A small percentage are arseholes and just need to be regarded as such while muttering c**nts sotto voce

I know what you mean about being invisible @mbos - people talk to DP over my head sometimes which is downright aggravating. Fortunately I'm a stroppy mare who gets mouthy if I think I'm being ignored [lol]

I genuinely don't mind if someone asks me to move or asks if they can touch my chair but when I am in the chair touching it is akin to touching my legs without permission. I also always appreciate it when someone offers to help, even if i dont want or need it, most people in that scenario are trying to be nice. The odd one really is patronising though, or you can tell they're doing it to feel important so they can tell themselves they're a Good Person but at least in that scenario they're at least pretending to treat me like a person

I think most people think they are accepting and don't otherise those with disabilities but maybe don't realise how they come across? The creeps are just creeps though. DH gets so upset for me when he sees the way people treat me, he too had never seen that side of it before I was in the chair. I specialized in adult disabilities when I was working so I am pretty well versed in the whole situation and am unsurprised by my predicament but its still jarring to be the subject of such behaviour.

If you're not an angry person, I'd hate to see you when you are angry.

I'm not uncomfortable around people in wheelchairs. I have two friends in them, one of which is a 37 year old who had a heart virus which took away the use of her legs overnight in her early 20s. She is very easy to be around as she just gets on with life and is very positive and as independent as possible. She wouldn't dream of having a pity party.

The 2nd is 61 and has progressive MS. She is a total PITA and our friendship is barely hanging by a thread because of her attitude to others. She screams at school kids at the bus stop "get out my way" if they don't hear the first time she asks. When I explain that they are towering above her and don't hear just because she is lower down than them, she doesn't believe me. She thinks they are ignoring her out if rudeness and they really aren't. She feels very entitled and tells me "It's not my fault I'm disabled" but doesn't like it when I say it isn't theirs either. This applies to anyone on a bus in her way, doctor's receptionist, cafe owners.... anyone. She expects people to carry her coffee to the table and butter her scones without a word of thanks. It's as if she can be as bloody rude as she likes because of her disability.

Last week I was in a hotel in Harrow and met a man who had part of his leg removed 7 weeks ago. We chatted about what caused it and his operations and I found his attitude truly inspirational.

So, not I'm not afraid of physically disabled people in wheelchairs. I must admit I am probably uncomfortable around those who are physically and mentally handicapped. I find it very difficult not to talk to their companion rather than the person in the wheelchair in those circumstances.

I didn't realise this was a thing that happened here in the 21st century until my DH had to walk with a stick for about a year due to a knee problem. He suddenly started getting nasty looks all the time and people would actually change direction to barge into him. At the time the Tories had just come in and started to treat disabled people like workshy chancers so we concluded people were just going along with that in some way, but it still never really made any sense. I'm so sorry this is happening to you

This is so terrible and I am so sorry. No I am not embarrassed or concerned about people in wheelchairs personally. but I totally believe you have had these experiences so it does seems that our country does have problems with disabilities.

How these attitudes are tacked is something that maybe disability charities, and individuals, can work on.

Much better representation of people in wheelchairs and with disabilities on screen, on social media etc etc will help. I was delighted to see a clip of a Shakespeare type play (not sure what it was) with one of the actors in a wheelchair.

We need to see people with differences in every walk of life and on TV etc, maybe we will then realize just how normal everyone is.

Personally, I would offer help to anyone but not be offended if it is not needed.

I am often mistaken for a pregnant women (I am not pregnant) and was regularly offered a seat on the train, not offended by this. Not the same of course.

But it is possible to offer help and to refuse help, and it is fine.

OP please do take your (rightful) anger and ask any disability charities to tackle the attitudes with an advertising campaign. Campaigns do change attitudes.

I expect you know of these charities...

www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/wheelchairs/

www.wheelchairusers.org.uk/about.htm

Creepy fetishists dont just happen to disabled people though.
I guess some disabilities can look interesting because they are unusual.. there arent enough disabilities awareness or existance in the media. Some people stare at me like i am an alien and i dont have a disability. I think we all experience things and people do treat us differently due to anything from attractiveness, clothes, style, skin coloyr, height weight... i think its human nature that this happens.

When I explain that they are towering above her and don't hear just because she is lower down than them, she doesn't believe me.

She doesn't believe you because it's utter bollocks. It's perfectly easy to hear someone in a wheelchair, if you actually acknowledge they are there.

Your attitude proves the OP's point. You're placing the blame on your friend being at a lower height, but actually the blame is with people who, rather than making adjustments (giving the person with thebl wheelchair space to move), choose to pretend the disabled person is not there.

@Idontwanttotalk thank you for your honesty! As i said i've been ill for over a decade now and am of the nature to not see my physical disability as much of a barrier and really not one to complain. I am in person quite a meek creature who keeps my feelings to myself and cries about it at home when nobody can see. I tried to use the post to vent the feelings I internalise, I really am trying to be as objective as possible though! I actually don't want to feel upset by the way other people react to me but I have some real heavy duty self confidence issues and that fire is really stoked by my perception of other people's perception of me. It has never occurred to me to treat someone differently based on anything other than their understanding and only then if I have a fact based reason to (eg. I wouldn't quote complex maths at a five yo and expect them to understand me) so I guess I'm trying to understand that behaviour in others? I'm not going to change my behaviour towards these people, I tend to ignore the creeps and be polite to the rude people anyway.

I spend time in the company of an autistic lad. He’s really really handsome and people always give him a second look. Then he makes one of his loud repetitive noises...and they shit themselves. They do look scared. And confused.

I'm not educated on disabilities nor know someone mentally disabled or severely mentally ill. I am sometimes frightened due to unexpected sudden movement, sounds or facial expressions. I dont know how they will react or what i should expect.

Someone on a wheelchair.. only scared if they are going at a speed near me or if its crowded and im worried for my feet getting trodded on. Missing limbs, blind etc not scared.

I’m so sorry that you have gone through all of this. Honestly, I am cautious around people with disabilities - I don’t want to patronise or do /say the wrong thing. I want everyone to have an equal life. It’s very hard to understand someone else’s experience if you have no experience of it yourself. But it’s good that people such as yourself talk about your experience so we can all learn from it. Sorry I realise I’ve said the word experience a million times 😂

Totally honest answer?

I'm uncomfortable because there are so many "rules" to break and people are quick to take offence where none is intended. I never know what I can and can't say, what terms are or aren't acceptable this week, whether I should offer help or not.

I've had my head bitten off so many times for not being psychic.

As someone with several hidden disabilities I find that people with physical disabilities have very little tolerance for people like me and seem to play disability top trumps.

@raffle I can understand that a bit better I guess because it is unexpected? My chair is pretty obvious though and generally I will be having a lively and often complex conversation with DH as I wheel myself around the place (in a self propel, not electric so I also clearly have some physical capacity) so I am surprised when someone speaks really slowly at me even after I answer them in full sentences and don't show any sign of not understanding them. That doesn't make the shock reaction any better experientially though, in an ideal world that wouldn't happen either.

for all the honesty! Its very much appreciated.

@ObvsNC as I said I don't "look" disabled but have had these issues for a long time and have only recently had to use a chair. Previously my disabilities were also hidden so I very much understand where you're at there. For me this is not about top trumps at all, I just want a little anonymous perspective so I can work on how I feel about the world and my place in it now I am more obviously disabled. I have zero intention of using my disability as a stick to beat people with

I am not always sure how to act around people with physical disabilities. Not because I think they are different to people without disabilities. It’s just sometimes my instinct is to try and help but afraid to be patronising or intrusive. So sometimes you might think I’m staring but I’d be debating whether I should ask if you need help with whatever you’re doing. I saw a lady in a wheelchair yesterday. She was trying to get into her car and looked like she was struggling and I hesitated asking if she could use some help. Turns out she did and I was glad I did ask.

I do always address the person I am talking to directly though unless it’s a baby though 😀. Anything else is rather ignorant.

I don’t know what the solution is but maybe more awareness is needed particularly from a young age so kids grow up knowing how to address people of all abilities (for a lack of a better word).

Totally know where you’re coming from OP I’m a part time wheelchair user, when I can I use my crutches I don’t use my chair when I should be using it because of how I’m made to feel in it when I use it.

People do talk to DP or whoever I’m with rather then me, people hand change back to DP even tho it’s my money and I handed it over and I’m right next to the person, people do push you out of the way (even if actually your looking at sometime in a shop) but it’s also the shitty comments and names people think it’s acceptable to call you.

I’ve been shouted at for parking in a disabled bay with my blue badge because I’m too young to be disabled.

After the Paralympics in 2012 there was a much more accepting attitude however that has long gone, people are scared of what they don’t understand however when using my leg brace telling your kids not to look at me because I’m a freak is not acceptable

OP maybe there is enough evidence on here to suggest a charity really could run a campaign on being a good ally to disabled people etc (REALLY do not mean that in a patronizing way).

For example, if I saw someone in a wheelchair (we have people in wheelchairs at my church so I do regularly see people in wheelchairs, and have a friend with a daughter in a wheelchair) I would not assume they need help. If they were getting their chair in or out of a car, or just going along the pavement I would assume all was fine with them.

However, I once did see a person in a wheelchair involved in an accident. My friend went to offer assistance (as she knew first aid and was frankly faster than me) and I looked after our kids by the road while she did that.

This week I saw a man who had fallen down and various people have rushed to assist, including a driver stopping (safely) in the middle of the road to exit his vehicle and help. So i do trust that (at least where I live) people are ready and willing to help where needed.

So knowing when to offer assistance and when not to, seems fairly obvious to me. But I do think as a society we could use some guidance maybe?

However, the bulk of our post does not seem to be able offering assistance but more simply not doing Dickish things like dropping stuff in your lap, or moving your chair or touching it when not requested etc.

OP are you aware of Dr Amy Kavanagh?

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07jx4v1

Trigger warning - this is quite distressing.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have to say, as a wheelchair user I encounter many more kind or indifferent people than negative ones. I haven't gone out much recently so maybe I was lucky in my active life and things are deteriorating. I do dwell on bad experiences more than good or neutral ones but luckily they have been few.

I am not scared of disability, I just am generally living in my own world, whether you are in a chair, with a stick or have completely functional limbs etc - I will treat you the same.

I am deaf... patronising takes on a whole new level...