The general public is afraid of disabilities?

[NotANeuroticApple]

I am a wheelchair user. I have various health concerns that mean I am unable to walk long distances and am unsteady on my feet and as such I have to use one to get about safely and within a reasonable timeframe outside.

The general attitude towards people with disabilities is absolutely shocking. If you saw me sat in any other type of chair eg. In a café you'd never know there was anything different about me, I don't "look" disabled and I'm generally well dressed, well spoken etc (not that it should fucking matter!?) I used to be a social worker and although I have had the same health issues for over a decade its only progressed to being unable to work/walk in the last year so I know for sure that the only outward difference between me now and me a year ago is the wheels.

When I'm in my chair I am treated so differently. At best I am treated like a child, at worst its the leery stare of some creepy fucker treating me like a fetish. I am ignored while people talk directly to DH about me, I am moved "out of the way" (I am not a fucking object and I can move my fucking self, thanks.) or reached over in shops (wanna guess how many people drop things in my lap by doing that?! Wanna guess how many people have fallen in my lap doing that?!) The rudeness I get back when I say excuse me as someone is blocking my path and they scream at me about entitlement?! The lack of eye contact, the pity stares, the obvious embarrassment some people have all over their faces when they see me. I could go on for hours... The amount of inconsiderate and even downright disgusting behaviour directed towards me purely because of my chair is abhorrent.

Why is this? Is it really just people being scared of what they don't understand? Honest answers, do disabilities make you uncomfortable? Do you find it difficult to know how to react to disabled people? No judgement here, I really just want to understand where people are coming from because I am not an angry person, I really try to show compassion to everyone I encounter and as I know that society can't change its behaviour overnight so maybe I need to change how I feel about how I am treated and show compassion in the face of ignorance?

I think that people are generally pretty uncomfortable around disabilities. So AIBU?

P.s. I'm a long time lurker since about 2008, I registered today and I'm not writing a bloody article so to anyone who decides I am

I'm no stranger to physical disability as a close relative is physically disabled. But I do think the few ruin it for the many.

"Ruin it for the many?" What the hell does that even mean? So one disabled person is rude (as anyone can be) and that somehow tars other disabled people in your view? Why? We're individuals, not some lumpen homogenous mass. What the hell is wrong with people, what prevents you from seeing disabled people are PEOPLE first and foremost, just like the rest of you. Whether autistic, learning disabled, physically disabled, we're human beings too you know.

And as others have said, lots of disabled people I have seen have been rude and entitled in their attitude, and that does upset me as my two family members are just not like that and shouldn’t be tarred with the same brush.

Shock, horror, disabled people are individuals with personalities that are all different. Again, i don't understand why the way another disabled person has anything to do with the fact your family member "isn't like that."
People expect disabled people to be virtuous, inspiring little perfect saints. Apparently we're not allowed to complain, be in a bad mood, basically be anything less than perfect. Oh, but normal people, they're allowed to do all those things, aren't they?
By your logic all NTs are jerks because one NT was mean to me. But then I'd rightly get told off for generalizing. Yet somehow it's fine for "normal" people to generalise about disabled people.

Coffeeif I understand you right you think a wheelchair-user was an arse because they wouldn't go down a dropped kerb into the road and then up again to avoid you

My friends thought they were an arse for not doing (what appeared to be) a possible and safe simple manoeuvre instead of yelling at people to move the body of their unconscious and vomiting friend who was in the recovery position awaiting an ambulance, because "wheelchairs have priority". He had friends with him too. I was too busy being unconscious on the pavement to have had much of an opinion on the matter.

Maybe it was too steep or a problem in another way. It sounds like he didn't explain that and was a shouty sweary arse about somebody in need of medical attention getting in his way. My point was that it would be ridiculous of me or my friends to stereotype all wheelchair users based on one person.

Obviously in normal circumstances I'm not an arsehole and would get out of the way of a wheelchair user without question!

'And as others have said, lots of disabled people I have seen have been rude and entitled in their attitude, and that does upset me as my two family members are just not like that and shouldn’t be tarred with the same brush.'

Lots of non-disabled people are rude and entitled, especially on a bad day! People are people, and just because some people with disabilities are not perfect, doesn't mean that everything they do should be taken out on your relatives or anyone else. Just as if someone black or white or Jewish or Muslim or male or female does something bad or foolish, it shouldn't be taken out on others of the same colour or religion or gender. I know that's not what you're saying, but I get a certain implication that a disabled person has to act as an 'ambassador' for other disabled people, and if they snap at others on a bad day, everyone will be suspicious of all disabled people, whereas if a non-disabled person does the same thing, no one will think they represent anyone but themselves.

Yeah we are all supposed to be happy, cheerful and inspirational, at all times.

The thing is the grumpy arsehole walking about on legs is not memorable, they are common place, every day, the norm.

The grumpy arsehole on wheels IS memorable, particularly if you thought you were doing something nice and then you got snapped at by them.

We have all the same issues everyone else has that might make us short tempered or snappy.

And then we have the extra bonus shit that comes with being disabled.

Pain.
Judgement - are they just lazy, are they a scrounger, I bet they sit at home on benefits, maybe they are faking it, why aren't they in the Paralympics....
Many things are harder.
Many things are more expensive.
Stress - try juggling multiple hospital appointments and a job, because it is generally assumed we don't work, and have hours and hours to waste being faffed around...
The assumption we SHOULD be happy.
The assumption we are brave, inspirational, etc.

It does get a bit wearing, and there are times when people have I am sure, thought they were being helpful but in fact weren't, and I simply haven't the energy to say 'no thats actually not helpful, I am very sorry that it isn't helpful, but you could stop trying to do that because.. and I am extremely sorry I have hurt your feelings...'

I don't see why its so hard to simply ask 'would you like help, HOW can I help you?'

If the answer is no, fine. If the answer is a rude no, then clearly that person has issues, maybe they have had a shitty day, maybe they are just a total wankpuffin, either way thats their issue not yours.

Helping without asking though, can come across really fucking patronising and if you have had a billionty people that day, ALL assume you can't do something you actually can do easily, and often more easily on your own than with help... I do get why folk might get a bit stropped off with it!

I can't. Believe some of the posts on here, but it does show that people other disabled people. They think of them as people who should be grateful for crumbs.
Shock horror disable people are just people.
But hey come on and post about the rude person that put you off all disabled peopl.
Vile

I know just how you feel .
A year ago I ended up on a walking stick., which has progressed to my 4th rollator . The first 2 being similar one nhs one my own as I needed one narrower. Then hospital descided I needed sturdier because I have to either keep as mobile possible or I will need a wheel chair. The nhs version was bulky and I felt worse, as it was not folding easily and looked awful. So got advice from physio on best place to buy. I bought one which suits my needs and looks as good as possible. What I am saying is that buying my own gave me a degree of control again . This is mentally important. Prior to getting it I was always told I did not look disabled or constantly abused for using disabled facilities. I have a blue badge. I also got some trendy badges online, to the effect " Not all disabilities are visible "
It got turned down for mobility pip because I was well dressed, clean and tidy.
I find people do not know why I use my rollator or don't know how to handle it. If kids are looking I just tell them I have poorly knees and it helps me walk .
Society has way to go .
Just yesterday when out a woman who told me she was 75 and asked me if I really needed that thing , or was I not embarrassed to use it . She said she was most affronted when she was given a walking stick age 73! I told her I used it or did not go out.
Feel free to pm me .

I'm not afraid of disability (I'm also disabled), but agree with all of the issues you've raised. I've not much else to add, except that I did have some discomfort/awkwardness around people with profound differences until I watched the 'special books by special kids' vids on Youtube. They're made up of interviews with individuals with a range of differences. I think they're directed at children, but in my opinion could be helpful for most adults. Can't rate them enough.

who are physically and mentally handicapped.

Your first point of order would be to stop referring to them that way.

As much as I'm saddened by some of the (I assume unwitting?) attitudes I'm seeing I am very much appreciative of the honesty.

@Coffeeandchocolate9 yeah... Sorry I am struggling to feel bad for you there. You got yourself into that state. It would be one thing if you'd suddenly collapsed from illness but you chose to be that drunk. Being drunk does not mean your crappy behaviour should be excused just like the man being disabled does not give him the right to be unreasonably confrontational. You vomited all over a public street. When I am in my chair your vomit would be all over my wheels. My wheels are my legs and I have to touch them with my hands. I don't want a strangers vomit all over my hands, thanks. Its no different to a dog owner leaving shit on the pavement, its disgusting. Add in that you were drunk enough to block the whole path and, yeah, I'd be pretty angry at you too. Whether or not the man was right overly difficult about it is irrelevant as YOU were in the wrong either way. Equally you only have your friends account to go on, who were presumably also drunk and therefore may not have a very accurate picture of what actually happened! Have a think about how what you wrote could come across to a thread full of disabled people...

I think one of the things that gets to me a lot is the people that give DH weird looks as if he's either somehow defective as a human because who wants to shag a cripple or a pervert because who wants to shag a cripple

Plenty people smile at him or whatever and I'm sure on some level it looks quite sweet him caring for his wife like that, especially being quite young (30) but there is definitely a percentage of folk who find it distasteful to see differently abled couples. I think most people would not actively choose someone who is obviously disabled. Hidden disabilities and mental health problems are almost more accepted in that regard because if other people can't see the disability then it can't reflect on them in any way. I have never been rejected for having Coeliac's for example, having it impacts my life in a really profound and often disabling way but it doesn't have any impact on the way that society will see the person I'm with. I've had people right in front of me tell DH that they "couldn't do it" in reference to our relationship because of the wheels. I've also no joke had people say things like "what a shame, you'd be so pretty if you could walk" and "you're always so nicely dressed for a wheelie"

The thing I find ironic here is that someone with a disability comes on and says that non disabled people are discriminatory, ignorant arseholes and the non disabled are quick to jump on it and say that that assumption is unfair because not all people are like that. Which is true actually.

But a non disabled person comes on here and says that they’re put off all disabled people because of their one encounter with a disabled person and all disabled people are supposed to accept that? Okayyyy.

This is going to totally out me but what the hell.

I am visually impaired. I also have a serious, life limiting heart condition which happened in the past three years.

I have been a guide dog user for 23 years now, but earlier this year my current guide dog retired, and due to my health at the time I was unable to train with a new one.

So having spent the summer in hospital I have come out with more stamina and the ability to rebuild my life. This has involved having to get used to using a cane rather than a dog, something which has been a challenge, and also means I have been looking for work.

The using the cane has been challenging but on the whole I have found the public incredibly helpful and that is something I have appreciated. Yes it’s possible that some may have stared at me, but as I can’t see them they can just crack on..... There are those people who ignorantly walk down the street clutching their mobile phones and selfie sticks and who bump into you and exclaim, but they walk into everyone not just me, iyswim.

But for me the most shocking has been in looking for work.

As someone with a VI I am used to situations where people have questions around how my disability enables me to do a job. But I have held down several jobs in my lifetime. So it came as a massive shock when, after being invited for an interview a couple of weeks ago, and having informed the employer that I have a VI because of an online test they required me to do, they withdrew the interview offer saying that it would be unfair on the other candidates to waive the test for me and not for them. They further said that if for instance I was offered the position and it turned out that adaptations wouldn’t work with their systems, it would be unfair on a candidate they may have turned down to offer me the job which I then wouldn’t be able to take up. .

They are in fact breaking the law. The equality act requires employers to make reasonable adjustments and this employer wasn’t prepared to even consider it. Worse still they made me feel as if I was the one responsible for their attitudes because me even being there was so unfair on other people.

And you know what? There is absolutely nothing i can do about it, because bringing them to task will brand me a troublemaker and no employer will go near me after that.

There is a very good and valid reason why the numbers of people with disabilities who are self employed is vastly higher than those who do not have disabilities.

I wonder if it's because seeing someone with a visible disability reminds us that we aren't invincible to illness or injury. Maybe it's better to tell ourselves it must be the person's fault somehow for not being able to prevent it or overcome it.

I can think of lots of other things where some people would rather tell themselves that the person "was asking for it" or deserves it in some way because its more comfortable than realising the same thing could happen to you.

Op...I think you are being a bit unfair to Coffee. Yes, he did get himself drunk, he has admitted that, but the wheelchair users who were being obnoxious could not have known that for sure. He could have been lying there severely ill (not drink related), and he was awaiting an ambulance, so it was a medical emergency, drunk or not.

I think it’s more that people think of disabilities, and serious illness as things that happen to other people so if they treat those people differently then it means they don’t have to think of the reality that they too are only a car crash away from having a life-altering disability.

I don’t even think that it’s necessarily a conscious thing, but that people don’t identify with others with disabilities because after all they’ll never be living their life..

When I was seriously ill in hospital my DP’s manager told him that it was ok to move on quickly as most men do after the death of a partner, and I wasn’t even dead yet. and another person said to him that most people wouldn’t stay with someone like me with the health problems I have.

I think that on the whole what those people are actually saying is that they would move on quickly/not stay with someone with serious health problems.

@SnuggyBuggy you're probably right but if someone was to come on here and say that about someone who had been sexually assaulted, no matter what the girl was wearing, they'd be ripped apart for victim blaming- and quite rightly too! I'm sure there are people out there who do ham it up a bit and aren't as disabled as they make out but one can never assume that, it's akin to saying that because one person lied about rape that we should disbelieve all rape victims until they prove they were actually raped. Its sad but true.

@TabbyMumz well, some might argue that coffee was unreasonable for expecting to go out and get so drunk that an ambulance was required thus taking away valuable resources from genuine emergencies.

I never really thought about it until I was temporarily in a wheelchair with a fractured leg that couldn’t bear any weight. I was shocked by how many places were inaccessible, or I had to go round the back to access a ramp or something. How awkward I felt having to ask for a hand when I got stuck and how I became fiercely independent and refused help. How I was inconvenienced by every little bump or break in the ground and every incline. How utterly exhausting it was to push myself! I felt ignored and overlooked and generally excluded. I sort of felt like a child in a buggy. I was glad when I could walk again, and I realised that for others the experience never ends. I actually think everyone should have that experience for one day just so they understand.

NotANeuroticApple I'm definitely not asking for people to feel sorry for me or excuse my behaviour, I am well aware I was an absolute moron for getting into that state and no excuses. I live with the irony that I got into that state because I was drinking on an empty stomach because I had been to a bbq and didn't trust the food hygiene and didn't want food poisoning. I didn't take that into account with my drinking and ended up with alcohol poisoning - I'm still mortified at how stupid I was.

FWIW since you mention it two of the people I was with weren't drinking and I trust their accounts of what happened.

I knew I'd end up with people focussing on that instead of what I intended the focus of my post to be. That's my failure again for still going ahead and posting, it seems I'm still capable of stupid decisions!

Apologies for any offence. Opting out of this thread now as I don't wish to further derail conversation.

I use a small power chair/scooter about half the time or when I’m alone (and struggle through short bursts of walking the rest) my disability varies how it affects me day to day and I spend a lot of time worried about how I’m viewed as I don’t “look” disabled (get crap for using disabled loos, always feel that I am expected to be able to do more than I can).

When I’m out in my chair I am scared to move my legs for fear of being judged and people regularly walk straight in to me, I won’t get buses (tried twice) as the first time I didn’t get on because someone wouldn’t move a pram over a bit and the second I was glared at by the whole bus while I tried to manoeuvre in a small aisle when I hadn’t done it before (comments/jokes about being a “bad driver”), I felt mortified and like a total inconvenience but I’d needed to go out as an emergency.

So yes, I feel people are scared or at least judgemental. Although some people are very nice and helpful (even when I don’t want help )

I’m another one who is quite young, I am 28 and DP is a similar age, I feel embarrassed for DP when we’re out and I have my chair or visible braces as I feel like people pity my DP and my children, I force myself to walk if I have to go to DC school as I’m terrified of them being bullied because of me but this floors me and I won’t be able to keep it up forever. Their school know about me as I spent months in and out of hospital last year, yet still expect me to walk up their stairs to collect the children...

🤷‍♀️

Coffee, but while there absolutely are some people with disabilities who seem to think the world owes them something, reality is that those people were probably already arseholes and then just happened to become disabled arseholes.

The fact that they used their disabilities to behave in such a way that most people would find it difficult to question them doesn’t say anything about people with disabilities, it says more about them as individuals.

There is a guide dog owner in London who has made a living out of being a victim. What I mean by that is that he wears a camera and shares only his negative experiences of being a guide dog owner. Everything is negative, from how he is always being treated appallingly by everyone he comes into contact with, to how he stood on a platform at a mainline station crying for 2.5 hours because he couldn’t get on the train.

In truth the GD community as a whole are sick of him as he’s giving both guide dog owners and the public a bad reputation.

B
But he publicises everything about what he does on twitter and his wife is essentially his social media manager, and the charities are lapping it up using him as some kind of ambassador. when in truth, most experiences aren’t like that, and the constant need to refer to the world as negative is having a negative impact on the world’s view of people like me who would like to talk about the few negative experiences we’ve had without being considered to be like him.

But I imagine that he was an arsehole before he lost his site, it’s just that he now has something to channel that energy into, and for people like yourself, you are seeing the disability first and the individual second.

I was in a wheelchair outdoors for 6 weeks, after I broke my ankle and walking was too painful for more than about 100 yards. I found people to be helpful and courteous all day long - they held doors open for me, stepped out of the way.....Yes, it did make my arms ache and some children did stare, but I think that was more because they had not seen a walking boot before. I did not mind them. Car parks were the most difficult, as there was not room to open the door wide, so I could get out of the car (twisting my leg was particularly painful) and get a wheelchair by the side of the car.

DD1 has obvious learning disabilities and severe epilepsy. She has to wear head protection - its the adults staring, she minds. On occasion, she needs to use a wheelchair, if she has injured herself in a seizure - she prefers it, because we don't make her wear the head protection then; and people are much more accepting. People frequently chat to her, while she's sitting down waiting for me to do something out and about. (Although, she needs 1:1 care, so she is never going to be out on her own, where she would be very vulnerable)

However, when she is having a seizure; or is lying on the ground after one, people have been unfailingly helpful - offering to call an ambulance (not necessary), or give her some water, or get a chair. Once, after she had a seizure at a motorway service station and she had fallen straight onto her knees, she was lying on the ground semi-conscious and screaming her head off with the pain in her leg. Two men went, off their own initiative and got a wheelchair off the service station staff, lifted her into it for me (she was too heavy for me to lift by myself) and offered to wheel her to the car for me!

AlternativePerspective

"@TabbyMumzwell, some might argue that coffee was unreasonable for expecting to go out and get so drunk that an ambulance was required thus taking away valuable resources fromgenuineemergencies."

Yes, that's very true, however he was 21 and who knows what was at play that night.

I use a wheelchair when out and about.

At a recent event I was in my chair and DH was sitting on a seat next to me. He went to the bar for some drinks and in order to keep his seat, I sat on it myself and when he came back he sat in my wheelchair.

That was a bit of an eyeopener for both of us. He was a bit shocked by the staring and pitying looks he got (and amused by the "alright mate" nod from other wheelchair users). And I was also rather taken aback by the pitying, and occasionally from men, quite calculating and predatory looks I was getting as his apparent carer.

And its made me realise that all those times random women were over friendly to him and blatantly ignored me, that I was right; they were actually chatting him up in plain sight. Some people are awful.

But it is still the act and not the disability that puts these people in the wrong.

One of my DP’s colleagues had a fit in the office recently and the paramedics were called. While they were tending to her someone came in and asked whether they could move their ambulance as it was blocking him from driving his car out. I think he got short shrift but it just goes to show that it’s not just about people with disabilities who act that way.