The general public is afraid of disabilities?

[NotANeuroticApple]

I am a wheelchair user. I have various health concerns that mean I am unable to walk long distances and am unsteady on my feet and as such I have to use one to get about safely and within a reasonable timeframe outside.

The general attitude towards people with disabilities is absolutely shocking. If you saw me sat in any other type of chair eg. In a café you'd never know there was anything different about me, I don't "look" disabled and I'm generally well dressed, well spoken etc (not that it should fucking matter!?) I used to be a social worker and although I have had the same health issues for over a decade its only progressed to being unable to work/walk in the last year so I know for sure that the only outward difference between me now and me a year ago is the wheels.

When I'm in my chair I am treated so differently. At best I am treated like a child, at worst its the leery stare of some creepy fucker treating me like a fetish. I am ignored while people talk directly to DH about me, I am moved "out of the way" (I am not a fucking object and I can move my fucking self, thanks.) or reached over in shops (wanna guess how many people drop things in my lap by doing that?! Wanna guess how many people have fallen in my lap doing that?!) The rudeness I get back when I say excuse me as someone is blocking my path and they scream at me about entitlement?! The lack of eye contact, the pity stares, the obvious embarrassment some people have all over their faces when they see me. I could go on for hours... The amount of inconsiderate and even downright disgusting behaviour directed towards me purely because of my chair is abhorrent.

Why is this? Is it really just people being scared of what they don't understand? Honest answers, do disabilities make you uncomfortable? Do you find it difficult to know how to react to disabled people? No judgement here, I really just want to understand where people are coming from because I am not an angry person, I really try to show compassion to everyone I encounter and as I know that society can't change its behaviour overnight so maybe I need to change how I feel about how I am treated and show compassion in the face of ignorance?

I think that people are generally pretty uncomfortable around disabilities. So AIBU?

P.s. I'm a long time lurker since about 2008, I registered today and I'm not writing a bloody article so to anyone who decides I am

I feel your pain. I am now a full time wheelchair user and have been for almost a year. I used to work in the adult industry and have a very distinct look (think platinum hair, big implants, very skinny, lip
Injections etc). The stares I get are unbelievable. I have been pushed past, patronised, been laughed at. I even had someone ask why someone like me was pretending to be disabled as if I was too lazy to walk!.

My favourite was an elderly lady who came over to me in a charity shop, patted me on the leg and told me my shoes were beautiful but what a shame I couldn’t walk and use them like real people.

In supermarkets I am never addressed by the sales assistant, normally my partner or mother/carer. It is almost like I become invisible. Some do but it is with pure pity in their eyes. I also suffer seizures so that is always fun to have in a wheelchair while multiple people think it is ok to just stare at you.

The realisation that disabled access is so appalling in so many places as well make it very difficult to go into shops, restaurants etc. I prefer to spend my time at home now as sometimes the stares, lack of access etc can just get to you mentally.

I am a mother of 2 children and my partner kindly brought me an electric scooter to take them to the park up the road from where we live. I have done it once and people in cars were almost crashing as I drove up the road with my 4 year old daughter on my lap. In the park I could see the majority of other parents staring me up and down trying to work out why the hell someone like me was using a scooter. I haven’t used it since.

Not everyone is bad. I live on a very nice street where the neighbours have been nothing but supportive. They constantly ask about me, bring magazines and offer babysitting. People worry because they never see me I guess. The local vicar has also been amazing and tries to visit every week for a cup of tea and allows me to have a cry/moan.

Before I became disabled, I really was ignorant to how people are treated. Many w I was one of them, I like to think I wasn’t but now I honestly don’t know. Many be people don’t mean to be rude but I think unless you have experienced life in a wheelchair you will never really understand how it feels and how your life is changed forever.

Sorry for the essay, just wanted you to know I really do know what it feels like. I hope things get better for you

Sometimes I'm unsure whether to offer assistance for fear of being patronising, but generally I try to give more room on the pavement so a wheelchair user hasn't got to deviate, will open doors, offer to reach something etc. I try to read the situation and be as thoughtful as I can.

This world and our infastructure seems very difficult to me for those that are disabled.

I feel so naive, I never thought people could be rude enough to touch your wheelchair without asking, and that BBC link is so upsetting.

People are horrible. :(

Also I do understand that people may not know how to respond to us in case they offend us. I do appreciate it must be hard for people to know how to react sometimes and I never think negatively of people for that. I also don’t mind children looking because they don’t really know any different and maybe I look funny to them . I do however hate the people who stare intently and look me up and down.

I'm always gutted and upset at the state of the human race to hear about experiences like yours, OP.

I genuinely hope I don't treat people with disabilities badly. Since a friend who worked as a support worker told me about people talking to her not the person she was supporting I've always been really conscious of making a point of speaking to the person with the disability primarily. I don't think I did otherwise, but am now very much more aware of making sure I don't iyswim. I read articles online like your post and try to ensure I've taken things on board eg don't touch a wheelchair without permission. I have volunteered with riding for the disabled and had training at work for working with people with autism. I spent 3 days over summer chatting with sign language interpreters and their profoundly deaf children, including asking how best to interact and what not to do. Even as somebody reasonably aware I had a tendency to look at the interpreter when I should have been looking at the deaf person I was talking to, it was an eye opener, especially given I'm hard of hearing and thought I'd have good empathy! according to the teenage lad one of the most common things that irritates him is people from behind him shoving him out of the way, if he hasn't heard them saying excuse me

I still, if I come across somebody with a visible disfigurement or disability, or who behaves unusually, do a (probably very British?) thing of mild internal panic as I make sure I don't stare and desperately try to interact as helpfully and not weirdly as I can I am trying to do my best and will always strive to do better.

I think prejudice and bad behaviour can stem from fear of the unknown or different. It's ridiculous and sad and stupid, but humans are I think there is much that can be improved in getting people with disabilities represented on TV and in education to get people to really vonsider people with disabilities as normal more than abnormal.

There's no bloody excuse for talking about people as if they weren't there (the "that scary lady" story put a lump in my throat). There's no justifying some shit

I have a teenager with autism and severe learning difficulties who has obvious 'different' behaviours. Some people, probably a lot of people do appear to be uncomfortable around him although for the most part I block others out and concentrate completely on him. I know when we go to hospital appointments or other places where people don't know him, we are the floor show.

I'm going to go against the thread a bit I think...

My daughter is a wheelchair user - she has a degenerative disease so has gone through all the stages - arm to cling to, walking stick, frame, manual wheelchair and now electric wheelchair.

Wherever we go together I really genuinely don't notice any negativity towards her. Most people go out of their way to hold doors for us, let us go first in the queue for the toilets - we have used buses with no incdents (yet) so I am surprised and extremely saddened to read these stories.

It could be that a lot of the time she has a baby on her lap in the chair and people think that's "cute" and also she is very young looking and pretty herself. I just don't know - all the mums in the playground chat to her like she's one of them and she does all the same things etc

We live in a really big city - I wonder if that makes a difference?

@Maddiemademe

I recently went into my local branch of a big brand coffee shop and mentioned (in a polite and friendly way, I wasn't even making a complaint just making conversation) to the staff that had I been on my own I would never have been able to get though the door as you have to open both heavy doors at the same time to fit a chair/pram/whatever without damaging something. I said something like "goodness thats a heavy door, lucky I had DH with me today or I'd be stuck outside" She said "but there's a small ramp into the shop so what are you complaining about" Well, the unopenable door obviously mardy cow I had no trouble once the door was open (did not actually say this, just smiled and waited for my coffee) DH had to open the same door for a guy with a few shopping bags as we left as it was too heavy so I don't think it was me being precious but maybe I am

This is a real eye-opener, thanks for posting. I'm certainly not scared of people with disabilities but it can be a case of not knowing what is appropriate in terms of offering help etc. I'm so sorry that you and other posters are experiencing such negativity.

I have little kids and I really rate the CBeebies programme 'something special'. The presenter is not really to my taste but the young participants pretty much all have a disability and although the programme itself is a bit twee, it has opened up a lot of interesting discussion with my children about what it means (and what it doesn't mean) to be disabled. Seeing children like them who have disabilities and are doing 'normal' things is really important and I think there should be more visibility of disability on tv etc so that people get a better understanding.

I personally don't look at someone in a wheelchair and see difference. But possibly because I work in SEND field?

I always say we are all human - but some humans have LD or a physical disability or both.

My ds has been raised the same. (He had physical disability as well as asd and may well need a wheelchair in adult life but manages well currently).

The other week in a supermarket a man in a mobility scooter tried to exit though closed tills where a barrier was across. Immediately he began to hoot his horn! Ds immediately and unprompted went over and opened it for him. The man didn't even acknowledge him let alone thank him. He also banged into ds and even when ds said ouch he shot him a dirty look.
I calmly pulled him up and said a bit of respect wouldn't go amiss and he actually replied "but I'm disabled" (before then exiting, dismounting his scooter, lighting fag, carrying his beer in the other hand and walking along carrying his crutches - but that's a different thread )

I've seen it both ways. People with 'obvious' disabilities yelling at those with invisible (parking spaces!), those who are not disabled treating the disabled person as invisible and also those with disabilities treating those minding their own business as being in the way and hindering them because they feel everyone should be constantly watching and reacting in case.

These are extremes - obviously.

The description you give is totally not on. I'd hand my ds his arse if I saw him do any of those things. Same with any family or friend member. I probably wouldn't pull up a stranger though. But moving someone's chair is assault imo - same as physically pushing someone who's standing on legs out of the way.

But I also agree after what I posted above it's very difficult to know what to do for the best (help, move, open doors etc) because everyone has their own opinions on the support they want. So sometimes I think people go for self preservation and that's where the pretending the person isn't there comes from?

@NotANeuroticApple

I totally get the heavy doors! One of the reasons I don’t go out alone is the worry no one will help with a door etc. I think maybe sometimes people don’t realise how difficult it is to try open it and roll in at the same time and that’s a light door!!!

As time has gone on I have tried to make a joke with my partner about the most patronising person we met out that day. I guess if I don’t laugh about it I would cry constantly and I have done far too much of that for too long so back in are the hair extensions, make up and ridiculously high heels (a benefit of not being able to walk is being able to wear them) and let the stares and comments wash over me best I can.

One of my favourite games is when we pull into a disable bay and people actually stop and watch me to make sure I am actually disabled enough to use one. They look at my blue badge and shake their heads until my partner brings the wheelchair round and physically has to pick me up and put me in it. Only then do they seem satisfied I should be allowed to park there. They seem to forget not everyone has visible disabilities either like me.

Some days I feel strong and think fuck them all I am going to try leave the house but then trust me there are weeks and weeks I don’t leave the house, only to go to multiple specialist appointments where I can get stared at a bit more in the waiting rooms

I'm disabled but my disabilities aren't obvious, I have ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia plus osteoarthritis & am autistic & suffer from anxiety, depression & PTSD. I have a blue badge & a motability car, but because I am relatively young, I notice people staring when I park in a disabled parking bay. What they don't see is the fact I am in constant pain, when I am leaning on the checkout in the supermarket, it isn't because I am lazy, it's because the pain in my back & legs is no bad it is making me sweat & shake, when I drop something & am struggling to pick it up off the floor, it isn't a joke, my hands don't work well & are either numb or tingling with electric shocks. They don't see that for me to get out of my flat it has taken me half a day to get washed & dressed, I can't get in & out of the bath, that some days just brushing my teeth leaves me exhausted, that the effort of going out of my home for an hour can put me in bed for 2 days. Before anyone who isn't disabled starts complaining, they should live my life for a day & then see how they feel.

I started a thread about stuff wheelchair users wished other folk knew... I shall locate it shortly.

I didn't have too much trouble when I used a manual chair, I am gobby and northern, I tend to start conversations and I generally have a positive attitude about most things, and I get on fairly well...

People may try and talk to my OH, I don't notice if they do, because in the manual chair, I am not at their eye level... and he's autistic and doesn't do eye contact with strangers, so if they ARE trying to make eye contact with him to avoid talking to me, they won't be getting anywhere!

If they DO actually ask him they are going to get a 'I dunno' response out of him at best and will be forced to speak to me!

I have occasionally had people try and move me, lean over me (Waitrose is AWFUL for it) ignore my repeated requests to 'excuse me' 'can I come past' etc and one lady ignored me so long recently that she stepped back (I couldn't move!) and sat in my lap!

I now use a power chair.. and things have changed.

I am higher up, much closer to most peoples eye level, so now i SEE the attempts to avoid looking, pretend I am invisible etc.

I suspect very strongly that an active (low back, no handles, cambered wheels, rather than the high back straight wheels big sticky up handles) manual chair = person is fairly normal but can't walk.

A big powerchair = person is severely disabled and may be intellectually sub normal and might make funny noises or dribble at you.. run away!

It probably doesn't help that I have resting bitch face and my 'seriously concentrating' face makes that much worse...and I am currently SERIOUSLY concentrating in the power chair as I am not 100% confident driving it yet (I don't know how long or wide it is!).

I find once I open my gob and Im friendly and 'normal' other people are too.

If I need help, I will ask, but if you think I need help and you offer, that's fine too.

The thing that can annoy some of us, is when help is offered, help is declined.. and then the person insists on continuing to 'help'... thats frustrating and very often, it ISN'T helpful, or we would just rather not do it that way.

One example is doors.

A heavy door that opens towards me, in the manual chair, requires me to throw my body weight back to pull the door open - that requires room behind me and without it I can't do it.

People crowding behind me then see me struggle, though my struggle is not the door it is THEM... and then offer to help..

And then they help by opening the door, and standing so that I either must roll over their foot, or have my face in close proximity their armpit..
Neither of which I am keen on!

In the power chair I actually often do ask for help with doors, if the door opens towards me and the hinges are on the side my control unit is on, I can't hold the door, and reverse to open it.

But I still need those offering to help to LISTEN to me when I tell them where their hands and feet need to be and unfortunately a great many people have NO idea of how a wheelchair moves or where I need to be to get through a door.. and instead of listening just say 'oh its fine'... and then I run their foot over and it definitely isn't fine!

So yeah, I get it when people don't know what disabled people want from them, or how to help - I say, take your lead from the person themselves.. ask, and listen to the answers.

For other disabled people, a trend I have seen which pisses me RIGHT off... is demanding people resolve a problem, but not giving them enough detail, prior warning if necessary (not booking the accessible lodge at center parcs, then complaining the access wasnt step free, is a prime example!) and TELL people HOW to resolve the issue.

If there is a problem, and I have potential solutions, I will offer those and usually, the problem is then solved.

I don't expect other people to be mind-readers but unfortunately I think a lot of people do (regardless of whether they are disabled).

@Nat6999

Thanks for the info on the power chairs! Mine is arriving in a week so it is good to know the differences of that and my current manual one. Looking forward to yet some new rude behaviour

my dd is severely disabled and uses a wheelchair full time.
most people are nice, but the starers are the worse. she has a carer with her when out .. so not had her chair moved(powered chair so they wouldn't know how anyway) that would annoy me massively.
I used to find it harder when she was young, maybe( i have become immune i think)or it might be that now when we go out I normally have her 6ft brother with me.

I think some people are arseholes, but most people are just uncomfortable because they are paranoid about saying ir doing the wrong thing and offending someone.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3605582--to-offer-some-insight-into-being-a-wheelchair-mobility-scooter-user?pg=1

Thanks for all the replies!

I am desperate to get a power chair but am too poor having eaten through my savings already when I was in hospital far away (and im battling the DWP so no motability for me!) I got my manual one for free but its falling apart now plus as much as I try to be as independent with it as possible I actually do need someone there to push if I get tired or to go uphill etc

"I am desperate to get a power chair but am too poor" Is there any charity that can help you, or would you consider a Go fund me page?

I find it shocking that in such a society that recognises disabilities like never before, people like you can still be treated that way. I genuinely never thought it was a common thing, more the occasional idiot.

@NotANeuroticApple

Have you had a referral made to wheelchair services - if not, do so (but be prepared for a long wait, it took 12 months to get my appointment!)...

If you HAVE and thats where you got your chair, they repair them/maintain them if they supplied them (not if you got a voucher).

Generally speaking they want to prioritise people who are using chairs indoors and for work/education, unfortunately, independence is not a priority :(

There are charities however on the whole, charities providing equipment are for kids with disabilities, the stuff thats out there for adults with disabilities is... well.. it just isn't really. It is worth a trawl through the net in case there is some small charity doing something that fits your needs though.

Your best bet and I realise a lot of people hate this.. is a Crowdfunder, pick one that doesn't charge (crowdfunder dont) you for personal campaigns, and one that gives you all of what you raised rather than ONLY pays out if you meet your goal.

The sad truth is that those of us who don't meet the NHS criteria, powerchairs cost between 3K and 15K depending on your requirements, and there are people housebound and lacking any independence purely because they do not have a wheelchair that meets their needs.

I have been more or less disabled at various times and I know it triggers some ridiculous things in people. I think what it ultimately triggers is dread of death. Even though we're all one random accident away from death at any moment, people think they are wayyyy too busy and important for it if they have two good legs, whereas if you have a crutch or a wheelchair, you might as well toss yourself into your coffin. Things that piss me off: Talking to me like a child. Ignoring me. And urging strange cures and diets on me.

Unfortunately my DH has experienced some very distressing comments about his amputation. A recent one was a father telling his small child to not go bear him because he's a freak. Another time a teenager took sneaky photos of him in a shop and added them to social media encouraging others to comment and make derogatory comments.

These are just two out of many occasions. Don't get me started though on the number of elderly who challenge him over parking in a blue badge space, who say he has not right to park there as it's "just an amputation"

My dsis was a wheelchair user. We were once in a charity shop, and dsis was queueing to pay. The shop assistant ignored her, serving the person behind her. And yes, she actually had to look round . Clearly a disabled person couldn’t actually want to pay by themselves. This was one example among many but it stayed with me as it was so blatant.

Dsis was a physiotherapist, and worked in a special school. All her colleagues considered themselves well up on disabled rights/issues. But they did say that when they went out to work events with dsis it made them understand the myriad of small issues that add up to major barriers. High bars (try ordering when you’re below the level of the bar), chairs blocking walkways, disabled loos down a flight of stairs. The condescending comments. The downright bloody disablist comments (yes, you’re really hard when you scream ‘spaz’, or ‘crip’ or ‘show us your wheelies’ out your car window).

Be angry OP. YANBU.

@Prettypumkin that sounds terrifying and I don't blame you for feeling that way. When I was about 5 my eldest sibling had a snake and they put it in my bed when I was asleep... I woke up with it right by my face and I have never been able to even look at a static picture of a snake since then without having a full on panic attack. When you get a big shock Luke that it can really impact your whole life!

I asked for a referral to the wheelchair service a while ago but have had to move house in the last few months and because I moved counties they have "discharged" me from all my specialists etc and I have to start again with the whole process. Unfortunately we are moving AGAIN for the second time in the last few months, within the county, but I will have to re register with a gp and start the wait again as they will be attached to different hospitals. I have little hope of actually getting a chair from them though. I have contacted the mobility trust and I'm hoping they can help. After that I'll try the crowd funding.

The one I have was free off Gumtree and I'm so grateful for it but it very much limits where I can go eg. I live in a very rural area now but all of our friends still live in the city and essentially because they all work ft and spend the rest of their time on other things I haven't seen any of them in 9m as the city is too busy for me with the chair as it stands. DH would have to spend too much time pushing me for safety reasons and also because the city is very hilly so I'd not manage to push myself much.

He has gone out a few times but doesn't like leaving me, we are both on the spectrum and do fine socially but only since we have known each other, we sort of wing man each other in social situations so he's a little lost on his own (someone upthread mentioned their DH is autistic and the eye contact thing... That gave me a giggle. DH often says "I'm just the legs" with a really worried look if anyone tries to talk over me at him. I think it's been a hard adjustment for both of us)

Also thanks for the other thread I'm going to check it out now. Apologies to those I haven't replied to directly, I actually have something to say for all of you but I can only stand to have the screen in my face for so long!