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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

764 replies

Xitt · 20/09/2019 00:51

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP posts:
WellButterMyArse · 20/09/2019 08:12

The situation here is that it isn't the money that's been gifted to you, it's the operation. You don't have the option of taking the cash and using it for something else. So in an all family money in one pot situation like you seem to have, if this was money you had inherited, a small inheritance etc, I think your DH would be correct. But it isn't.

Pringlesfortea · 20/09/2019 08:12

Sometimes in life you have a defining moment where you can see people clearly
This is yours op
If your dh loved you he would be happy to see you fly with a tummy tuck and new job.but no he’s not happy ,he wants you under lock of key of his cage .

Wtfdoipick · 20/09/2019 08:13

I'm not defending the DH but this does not sound like the money was given for a specific purpose of a tummy tuck and retraining but that is how the op has decided to spend it. From the follow up comment it was given as a spend it on what you need to so the decision was the ops not her dad. If I am right then yes I think there is a point about needing to discuss it. I'm also concerned that this is a sticking plaster because of the depression, the DH may be concerned because he knows this is a lot deeper an issue than just being unhappy about some skin.

What does concern me about all this is that in the initial op it does sound like the op was given the money for specific purposes, all priced up etc etc but from the follow on comment that wasn't the case.

Neron · 20/09/2019 08:14

He thinks because we’re married he owns half of all my possessions.

Presumably he thinks when I eventually inherit DF’s house that’ll be half his too.

These 2 statements alone are quite telling. Presumably you think you own half of DH possessions? Think you're entitled to half the house if DH left you even though you don't contribute so effectively it's DH house? The car that DF bought you, I'm assuming your DF buys your insurance, tax, patrol, MOT, servicing etc because you have none of your own money to pay for it?

hazell42 · 20/09/2019 08:14

Ask your dad not to give you the money direct, but just pay the bill.
Your dad isnt giving money. He's giving you a gift. The fact that he hasn't wrapped it and has asked you to go and pick it up is immaterial.
I second everyone else's opinion. You are married to a dick.

onanothertrain · 20/09/2019 08:14

Agree completely with trebla and isadora

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2019 08:22

Perhaps underneath he's concerned that you are throwing Daddy's money at cosmetic surgery/retraining/whatever to solve your depression/mental health issues and he doesn't think that's the best way forward? That you'll spend all this money and still be depressed/unhappy?

Throwing money at issues rarely works unless you understand the deeper issues. Do you have a concrete retraining plan that leads to employment for example, or are you just thinking vaguely about learning to flower arrange, or something?

berlinbabylon · 20/09/2019 08:24

Ask your dad not to give you the money direct, but just pay the bill

I was coming to say the same. Then he's giving you a specific gift rather than giving you money which could be spent in any number of ways.

If your dad has given you money for a specific purpose you can spend it for that. If he's just given you money without saying what to spend it on, then maybe a conversation is needed but to be honest, if it's a gift, it's a gift, and it's your choice what to spend it on.

My mum have me money a few years ago to help me buy a new bike (about £180, not a huge sum but quite a big sum for her to give me). I would have told my DH to bog off if he'd said £90 of it was his!

Scrumptiousbears · 20/09/2019 08:25

You guys calling the DH a cunt. If it was the other way round a DH DF was paying for loads of stuff for him and him not sharing you'd all be livid about that.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 20/09/2019 08:26

If I was in pain and needed surgery, and if I’d given up my job to be a SAHM and it wasn’t making me happy and I needed to retrain - my dh would be all “yes! We’ve got some money! Let’s use it to make you well/happy”. Because he loves me.

You say he feels he shares his money with you. He doesn’t. What happens is you both make a joint effort and earn that money between you. How much would he be able to earn if you weren’t home doing what you do? How much would he have left after he paid the nanny and the cleaner and the PA and the household admin service?

Tilltheendoftheline · 20/09/2019 08:28

Presumably he thinks when I eventually inherit DF’s house that’ll be half his too.

I’ve tried saying “ok it’s OUR money and WE are investing it in me retraining to return to work to benefit both of us”

These 2 statements show ops attitude to money is definitely 'what's yours is mine and what mine is my own' attitude.

And I think this is at the root of the problem. Saying 'yes it's our money but you dont get any say on how its spent' isnt saying it's our money at all.

I looked up OP, it seems she is struggling I general. Maybe the dh feels retraining or plastic surgery wonr fix her life. Maybe he feels she actually needs to get help.

She also appears to have some sort if medical training. Maybe she wants to retrain in something ridiculous that's not ever going f to benefit the family
Maybe he hates his job but hasnt be able to change because the family relies on him to pay the Bill's.

So many people jumping to 'he is a bastard, abusive. Leave him' are just imaging all sorts of details that arent there and ignoring the ops clear attitude to money.

Her husbands money is joint. But anything she has is her own.

No posters would be told their husband were reasonable to have this attitude.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 20/09/2019 08:30

Scrumptiousbears - well no. If the DH was the SAHP, not enjoying it, wanted to retrain and get back to work, and the OP was saying no I want to spend the money on a designer handbag? No I think we’d call her selfish. Or if the Dh had an injury that made him sore and his DF offered to pay for surgery, but the OP wanted to take the money and spend it on a new kitchen? Still nope.

combatbarbie · 20/09/2019 08:30

I can see the logic but DF is giving you this for a specific reason so in that case there is no our about it. Had he just gifted you a sum of money then yes its family money.

WonderWomansSpin · 20/09/2019 08:32

Your second post gives a different perspective than the OP. Your DF isn't giving you money for surgery and retraining. He's giving you money because you're crying and unhappy. You have decided the way to stop being unhappy is to get surgery and retrain.
Are you being treated for depression and/or anxiety? I'd have lots of concerns if my DP who was crying every day said he was going to spend a substantial sum on cosmetic surgery with the belief it would make him happy. Someone who is crying all the time shouldn't be making big, life-changing decisions either about surgery or re-training.
I think the question of 'whose money it is' could be distracting you from the bigger issues here.
Your DP may be controlling about finances.It's not clear. But that doesn't change the fact that you don't sound in a state of mind where you should be spending money on surgery or retraining.

WonderWomansSpin · 20/09/2019 08:34

Sorry should say 'it's not clear if your DP is controlling'

PoppyFleur · 20/09/2019 08:36

I agree with Tillthe

I would like to hear the DH side of the story because the follow on comments from the OP are quite revealing. The DH is sharing all that he has whilst the OP views her belongings as hers alone.

There is not enough context to label the husband as uncaring. We could easily leap to the conclusion that the OP is emotionally manipulative and rather dramatic.

Littlemeadow123 · 20/09/2019 08:38

@SplintersOnTheFence

She doesn't just want the surgery for vanity reasons. As said in the OP, it hurts and affects her mobility. I imagine that having an op that enables her to move around better and no longer be in pain would therefore make her feel a lot better. As would retraining and returning to work. She returns to work she can start contributing to the costs of running a household, have her own career etc. Besides, her father is giving her money specifically for this, he is not just handing her a pile of cash to do whatever she likes with.

SleepyHiraeth · 20/09/2019 08:39

Her husbands money is joint. But anything she has is her own.

There's nothing wrong with that in this context - her husband works to earn money for the family, not just himself, that's how it is when you have a sahp and one worker - you provide for the family financially.

That doesn't mean her gift money suddenly belongs to her DH too, not at all. It is hers and hers only.

When she gets a job , then she will be supporting the family financially too and that money will be family money just like her DH's.

But gift money and work money are not the same.

SleepyHiraeth · 20/09/2019 08:41

Probably a few comments about why he needs to rely on mummy to keep spending money in him too.

Oh of course it you get gifted a car you must be a mummy's boy that relies on mummy, because nobody has parents that do that kind of thing? Getting gifts doesn't mean you can't stand alone.

Notajogger · 20/09/2019 08:42

However, what are you crying about all the time that has so alarmed your father but seemingly not your husband ? And are you sure it’s something that can be healed by a tummy tuck?

This. Why are you crying all the time to your father? A tummy tuck seems like a "quick fix" (a risky one too with a small child) when it seems you have deeper problems. Perhaps counselling would be money better spent.

And this:
I cant help winder if actually, your dh is fed up with the 'what's yours is mine, and what's mins is my own' attitude you seem to have because your father, seems to have lots of surplus cash. So you want to keep everything your dad buys to yourself.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2019 08:42

You're father isn't just gifting you money for no reason, he is buying you something,

Just ask your father to pay for the surgery direct, and the retraining.

Explain to your husband there is no money, your father is paying direct, he is not gifting money but training and an op.

Then dump his grabby arse.

NameChangeNugget · 20/09/2019 08:42

I’d say this whether you were Female or Male. That money was gifted to you. You as an individual.

It’s not family money as often gets rolled outings here

septembersunshine · 20/09/2019 08:44

Op, I had 3 sections (huge babies too) and was left with a 10cm gap in my abdominal wall. It was a horric mess, especially the reams and reams of loose skin and hernia. Had the tummy tuck and repair about 7 years ago now and it changed my life for the better. Please don't spend the money on anything other then this op and the retraining. Both these things will give you something priceless. Imo its money earmarked for specific reasons, a gift, and your dh has no say in this. I don't know why he's not happy for you? If this was me my dh would be made up for me.

Notajogger · 20/09/2019 08:45

I would like to hear the DH side of the story because the follow on comments from the OP are quite revealing. The DH is sharing all that he has whilst the OP views her belongings as hers alone.

There is not enough context to label the husband as uncaring. We could easily leap to the conclusion that the OP is emotionally manipulative and rather dramatic.

Littlemeadow123 · 20/09/2019 08:45

@WonderWomansSpin

What if the reason she is crying all the time is because of the pain she is in though? She has already said that the loose skin is causing pain and affects her mobility? Cosmetic surgery isn't always unnecessary.