Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Just get dad to pay directly then DH cant moan your being gifted 🙄. Money was offered with specific conditions- does dh not see that

Is there more to this OP? You've mentioned DF bought YOU a car so YOU could get around. He's buying YOU retraining so YOU can work. He's buying YOU and operation so YOU can feel better. In the meantime, DH is the sole earner, putting everything he earns in to the pot including his bonuses. What does HE get IYSWIM?

Does your DF frequently do/buy things just for you or DC? Everyone piles in on DH but if I was the only worker, sharing every penny I had, and my DH was given things/money/whatever by his DF just for him, I'm being honest that I would feel resentful.

This is tricky. You're a SAHP so presumably you've both had to be more careful with finances. Your DH is putting all of his money into the pot whilst you're having your lifestyle propped up by your dad. Your DH isn't benefiting from any of that.

We share our finances and consider cars to be shared. I think being so possessive about what's yours whilst not working and having him pay for everything is a bit unreasonable.

It sounds as though the marriage isn't all too healthy so I would consider that. A tummy tuck isn't going to stop you crying all the time, there are deeper issues I'd imagine.

I also agree that DH is getting a hard time. If you'd been given money for a specific purpose that would be one thing, but your update suggests that you're actually being given money to spend on something that will make you happier - whatever you want. I don't think DH is suggesting that you can't spend it on what you've suggested, just that you should jointly agree what is best for the family, not just best for you.

I would really like to know how much money DH gets to spend on things that aren't essentials. If the answer is none/not very much then I could absolutely see how he might be feeling resentful.

The comments about him not looking after you, so DF has to give you money are awful. He puts all his money in the joint family pot - what more do you want him to do?

It sounds like there are problems with you and your husbands relationship.
If I was given a gift from my parents I would consider it family money TBH. However I know my husband would want what is best for me so I feel I needed surgery that is what it would be spent on.
It sounds like you and you husband don't like each other.

Are there things that your husband would
Consider more important? How skint are you otherwise?

I agree with Squirrels up thread. Have this discussion between the three of you and see what your DF/DH thinks of that. I think DF would worry (and maybe he already does).

Also, people are right. The deal is you stay at home to care for your family while DH earns money to care for your family. They are both jobs!

Spend the money on you. You deserve it for putting up with this.

Are you married or not? If you’re married he will inherit the house too surely? And rightly so after putting a roof over your head for so long!
You sound like you should perhaps get daddy dearest to pay for couple counselling to sort out your relationship problems and your daddy issues. 🙄

Does no one else think it's odd that DF is throwing money at the issue as he cant stand to see his daughter "crying her eyes out". There is more to this. DH is not controlling. OP is in an enmeshed relationship with her daddy and DH is making a stand.

Erm, simply point out that your dad is giving it to you for those things only! Not for your husband to get his mits o n!!
Your dad sounds lovely. Is it possible he knows your dh isn't very nice and is giving you the means to be independent one day?
My husband wouldn't personally expect to get a penny in the same circumstances.

@Isadora2007ora yes!

The attitude that the car is yours is strange. Why isn't it a family car? Why don’t you want DH yo think of it as a family car?

Why is it strange? We are a family too. My car is just that, MY car, not DH's. He has his own. I don't want his. He doesn't want mine.

The OP's DH already has a car of his own. Her father bought her this one to help her out. It is hers. What the hell is strange about that?

Personally, I think it sounds as though OP's father may have got the measure of her DH and is trying what he can to help his unhappy daughter out.

OP, don't you think you would be happier without this dickhead DH? Especially in light of your thread about the laundry a couple of weeks ago? I did see that. This man is mean and misogynistic.

No way should he touch it.

Read your op and thought "God he sounds like a dick" and I am in the camp of all money is family money.

When people show you who they really are, you really need to listen. I would insist on doing the retraining as I dont think your marriage will end well if he's this selfish.

I agree with Trebla.
From what you've written, your DH may be feeling threatened, undermined and belittled by your DF. DH does the day to day, possibly feels he does all he can to support you emotionally, and then DF swoops in with a fabulous gesture.

DH might be thinking, "but surely dealing with the depression is the first priority? And DW has never told me she wants to retrain. And I'm struggling to cope financially. And I don't know how DW would recover from surgery with the DC around. I'm doing my best to support my family, but DW throws these gifts (to her) from her DF in my face which makes me feel unappreciated and inadequate".
All of the above is conjecture. And not in any way my understanding of the OP's situation. But we don't know the whole situation, so I think it's unfair to label the DH as a controlling dick.

If I were your dad abd you spent the money on something else for your family id feel annoyed and conned. Your dh is being a dick.

Personally, I think it sounds as though OP's father may have got the measure of her DH and is trying what he can to help his unhappy daughter out

That might also be true but throwing money at her and saying "buy yourself something to cheer yourself up" is not really supportive either....

Have those defending the DH actually read the laundry thread from a couple of weeks ago? It is linked to earlier in this thread.

I'm wondering who pays for the upkeep and running costs of the car that DF so "kindly" bought. Would that be DH?

Oh my god .hes not on your side at all.
I’d be getting the tummy tuck ,having retaining and leaving the fucker

How kind of your DF . Far more insight into your wellbeing than your H at present .

Me and dp share all our money but if the money if gifted for a specific purpose it's different. It's up to the giver how their money is used. A relative gave dp some money for a specific medical procedure a few years ago. I wouldn't ever consider trying to divert that money for general family spending.

I think you've potentially got 2 unsupportive and emotionally unavailable men in your life - just one has more money.

I don't think the DH is dick bandwagon is great and I don't think your DF is that great either.

There is more here than meets the eye and I don't think that you are that "innocent".

Tell him if gifts have to be shared you'll be returning his birthday and Christmas presents from now on so you get a slice of the refund.

He's being very ridiculous and unkind.

I can believe that some many people are ignoring the general attitude of OP that is what hers, is her own.

She clearly doesnt take the view that marriage means sharing. I am not saying she should share this money. But her genera attitude says a lot and perhaps points to her husbands unhappiness.

It actually sound like the father just wants to give her some cash in the hope it helps. But that she has decided that the money is going on retaining and her tummy tuck.

I can see if OP keeps showing the attitude that her things are hers but his things are shared, I ca see how its pissed him off.

And any female poster, posting here saying her mil bought her dh a car and that her dh keeps saying it's his not shared, would be told that shows his attitude about the marriage and he was a dick.

Probably a few comments about why he needs to rely on mummy to keep spending money in him too.

Your DH is mean and spiteful