Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

@SleepyHiraeth as I said I ma not talking about this lonely specifically. I am talking about the ops attitude in general.

The car isnt a joint assets according to pp and neither is any potential inheritance. She seems annoyed that he would expect that to be shared as well.

And also if you both reading peoples posts, I didnt say people who get gifts dont stand alone.

I said if a female poster came here and said her mother in law bought her dh a car and the dh kept saying it wasnt a family asset it was his, then mil paid for cosmetic surgery and other things just for him. Mners would call hi. A mummy's boy.

I dont necessarily agree. But any man close to his mother or receiveing expensive gifts from his mother when his wife doesnt is often labelled a mummies boy.

But many mners think ita fine for a woman to have that relationship with her parents.

I do think the car is shared tho. If my dad brought me a car it would automatically become a family car.

And I'm not even married...

What if the reason she is crying all the time is because of the pain she is in though? She has already said that the loose skin is causing pain and affects her mobility? Cosmetic surgery isn't always unnecessary.*

It's not. OP has posted before that she is struggling in generally. It's not just this issue.

How is helping someone retrain so that they then have the means to become indepedent not supportive?

I do also think that depending on how much spare money you have you should try to divert some spare family money towards a personal spend or project of some kind for your dh as well. Nice thing to do so he feels he can work on himself to.

IdblowJonSnow op appears to be trained in some medical capacity. She has the ability to be independent now.

However, I can see what people mean. There could be a point of view that the father isnt actually supportive but just throws money at his daughter rather than actually helping her.

I have known 2 men, do this to actually cause problems in their children's marriages.

Just get your dad to pay directly to the clinic/ retraining place. That way there’s no “money” and no leeway.

Littlemeadow I didn't say cosmetic surgery was always unnecessary. I said that if you're crying every day, you shouldn't be making big decisions and looking for quick fixes. I'd be exploring if she was depressed first.

@Tilltheendoftheline That is a lot of assumptions in there.

If the surgery will stop OP being in pain and enable her to move about more easily then she should have it. Yes, it might not fix all her problems but it is a physical issue that needs addressing.

"I still don’t understand why the cars aren’t seen as family cars."

DH has a company car and I have a car. We often go out in either one depending on where we're going as a family, and we have both driven each other's, but I wouldn't go out and get in his to go somewhere if mine was sitting there and vice versa. My car is mine and his is his. I paid for mine and I pay my road tax, insurance, diesel etc as does he for his (although obviously he is reimbursed to some extent by his work). Yes if he was to lose his job tomorrow his car would go and we would be left with mine but it would technically still be mine.

Unless the OPs DH is also claiming that his car is also a family car and 'theirs' then I think he's being unreasonable on that point.

Just get your dad to pay directly to the clinic/ retraining place. That way there’s no “money” and no leeway

This ^ is exactly what I was going to say.
This whole problem has come about because it’s a lump sum to spend on fixing you, so your dh sees it as a lump sum gifted to you as a family that could be used for anything.

I would tell him since it’s causing arguments you are going to reject the offer of a lump sum.
And then wait a little while and book appointments, take your dad and let him pay for it.
Then there is no cash gift to argue about.

Also your dh sounds awful and you should really consider if the thing that will really make you happy is getting rid of him rather than getting surgery.

On the face of it, it does sound as if dh is being unreasonable, however it does look as if you are being a bit possessive over the car and future inheritance. It's a bit chicken and egg. It's hard to make out if you are like this because of dh's attitude or dh is like he is because of your attitude.

I find it shocking that your DH is being such a dick ...you are having surgery to correct a problem which developed after carrying his child !! Surely your confidence and self esteem should be a concern for him as well!! Also does he share all his gifts ?

If it is for a specific purpose that is not joint money. However you need to be realistic that these things may not resolve why you are crying so much, are there perhaps other things at play? Elective surgery is still risky and this may be a focus rather the reason for your unhappiness.

God I hate this word 'gifted' .!

What's happened to simply 'gives' or 'giving'???

Anyway, OP your dad wants to give you money for a procedure.
That's 100% fine. It's your dad's money and he can do what the heck he wants with it. It's nothing to do with your DH who sounds like a spoilt brat throwing his toys out of the pram.

If your DH isn't happy with the gift, then tell him to talk to your dad about it- that should shut him up.

Get your tummy done, get some re-training and if your husband continues to behave like a spoilt child you can then think of leaving him and being able to support yourself.

@Littlemeadow123 everybody is making a lot of assumptions. Especially about the dh.

I am not saying she shouldnt have the surgery. Just that I dont think this is clear cut as some people are making out.

I'm sorry op but he sounds appalling. He shouldn't even be questioning this, just be pleased for you. He sounds very controlling.

Isn’t it really like this - you are not being gifted money - you are being given 2 specific things. I assume if your DF wanted to pay off a chunk of your mortgage he’d have done so. These are 2 gifts that your DF is giving you. Maybe to take the heat out of it a bit you can have DF pay the bills directly so the money itself never comes into your account. That will underline that you are being given 2 gifts. Not money.

DH has a company car and I have a car. We often go out in either one depending on where we're going as a family, and we have both driven each other's, but I wouldn't go out and get in his to go somewhere if mine was sitting there and vice versa. My car is mine and his is his. I paid for mine and I pay my road tax, insurance, diesel etc as does he for his (although obviously he is reimbursed to some extent by his work). Yes if he was to lose his job tomorrow his car would go and we would be left with mine but it would technically still be mine.

Totally disagree with this.

We have 2 cars. One is my company car and one is owned by me. Since I have my company car, DP uses the other. I own it. It's still the family car. The company car cant ever be the family car, even I dont own it.

But you are right. It does depend on set up. If the dh owns his car and sees it as his own car, but hee is shared, he is wrong.

However the only one showing the attitude that what theirs is nor shared, is the OP.

I wonder if DH feels insecure and (perhaps subconsciously) that she is putting all her resources into self-improvement in order to leave. I've heard men look at each others' suddenly thinner or better-groomed wives and remark "well she hasn't done that for you"!

I think that inheritance, parents gifting money etc should be considered joint money. For eg, if your DF had said here is 5k to help you through maternity leave then you would be unreasonable to decide exactly how it is spent (though he would be unreasonable to turn down those reasons). But this is a different situation entirely. Your DF hasn't just given you cash to do as you please, it is a gift for a specific and useful purpose, and would better both your lives. Your DH is being a selfish prick, why doesn't he think those things are important? Why on earth is paying more mortgage more important than you retraining? Odd.

I think this is one thread where we very much need to hear the dh's perspective on this before we make a balanced judgement.

The op is very convinced the car and future inheritance are hers alone. Why didn't df offer to pay specifically for the op and retraining? This raises doubts In that we are getting the full story.

@Xitt I'd love your DH to talk to your dad about this.
Can you imagine?

DH 'I am not happy with you giving your daughter this money. It should be for me, me, me, too or for me to decide how we spend it.'

Dad: Bugger off, son, it's none of your f...g business what I do with my money. she's my DD and if I want to give her this money to spend on herself, that's my call, not yours.

I came on reading your first post and thought you were right. However your updates - like this - Presumably he thinks when I eventually inherit DF’s house that’ll be half his too - make me think there is more to this. I wouldn't be surprised if your DH is getting resentful of your attitude - he contributes everything to the pot, whereas you seem to think keeping cars and houses that come your way should just be yours.

I think you should spend this money on bettering yourself - retraining and then go back to work - but rethink your attitude more generally. How could you possibly keep a house, or the money from selling it, just for yourself?! How could you even spend that much money just on yourself and not on the family?