Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

764 replies

Xitt · 20/09/2019 00:51

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 20/09/2019 07:31

Absolutely not, it's your money - not his. It's gifted for a specific reason and should be used for that. He's being greedy, not to mention very selfish.

Krisskrosskiss · 20/09/2019 07:31

I mean if I tried to give money to my child for something I'd heard then saying they wanted.... and then I found out that they could not get that thing because they were forced to split the money by their husband.... I'd not be very pleased to be honest I'd be furious

fedup21 · 20/09/2019 07:32

The attitude that the car is yours is strange. Why isn't it a family car? Why don’t you want DH yo think of it as a family car?

The OP said upthread that her DH already has a car, didn’t she?

SleepyHiraeth · 20/09/2019 07:33

And if you have been crying to Daddy about a this,

less selfish things

How fucking rude, if my parents offer me money for something it's no business of DH, just like what my parents get me for a birthday etc is also none of his business.

SleepyHiraeth · 20/09/2019 07:35

I mean if I tried to give money to my child for something I'd heard then saying they wanted.... and then I found out that they could not get that thing because they were forced to split the money by their husband.... I'd not be very pleased to be honest I'd be furious

Me too! Its very controlling and I would worry about him controlling her in other ways.

Ash39 · 20/09/2019 07:37

Leaving the money gift aside, presumably you became a sahm with your husband's agreement. So the arrangement is that he works to support you and your children financially, and in return you do the majority of childcare, and housekeeping. Am I correct? So reciprocal arrangement.

In the case of the gift from a parent, it's simply that, a gift. To one individual. It's very very different. The gift came with conditions on how it should be spent.

sparkles07 · 20/09/2019 07:39

Your DF isn't gifting you money, he's gifting you a tummy tuck and retraining. You can't accept his gift and spend it any other way.

Trebla · 20/09/2019 07:39

How fucking rude, if my parents offer me money for something it's no business of DH, just like what my parents get me for a birthday etc is also none of his business

No but she has a point. Maybe DF is a soft touch and DH doesnt hold with the dramatics, then gets pissed off when DF steps in.

I think there is more to this and perhaps (and playing devils advocate hrre) OP is a but of a spoiled daddies girl and her OH is frustrated with the dynamic.

mintich · 20/09/2019 07:40

If your dad has offered to pay, then cant he pay for everything directly. Therefore you never actually receive the cash. DH cant get his hands on something your dad has!

MotherTime3 · 20/09/2019 07:40

I wouldn’t take any money. I’d thank my df, and ask if I can send them the details to pay directly for the procedure or training. Then he’s buying you the gift, and there is no cash to share.
I would consider the car a family car. We have a car each, but if one breaks, we would work out how to share one for a day or so.

OnceUponAThread · 20/09/2019 07:41

I started off thinking you were totally in the right and your husband was being awful.

And I do believe that if your father offered you money for a tuck and retraining, then that's what it should be spent on. And your partner insisting you spend it in any other way is absurd. (Also agree with PP that having your father pay the bill solves the problem).

So your husband is wrong on the gift, but I think it's your selfish attitude to money that I think is the root cause of this.

You insist that your car is yours alone and not the family's (out of interest who pays repairs, as you're a SAHM I presume your husband has to fund them. Likewise where does the money for petrol come from?!?).

Equally you've made it crystal clear that if you inherit your father's house, you have no intention of sharing that good fortune with your partner and would resent doing so. Meanwhile your husband puts all her earns AND all his bonuses into the family pot and therefore has to discuss and budget everything he has whether that's salary or his good fortune (bonuses). If I was him I'd be mighty pissed off, and I expect this is what's making him behave poorly on the gifts front.

If I were him I'd be donating all bonuses to the personal account at least until I'd had the equivalent amount of money as the tuck, the retraining AND the car you refuse to share. That's fair because then he has money to spend on his own self improvement or whatever cheers him up.

I'm not sure how he gets over the fact that you see all future inheritances as totally yours and not his too. Hopefully he'll have an equivalent lottery win and refuse to split it with you.

Honestly you do sound very selfish. I'm not sure what your financial situation is but a partnership where everything that's his is shared but everything you have is is no kind of partnership at all.

SleepyHiraeth · 20/09/2019 07:41

But if her dad is happy and willing to pay for it and it makes her happier, I don't see why her partner would resent that...

VeThings · 20/09/2019 07:41

Fedup op indicated that her DH had a car.

I still don’t understand why the cars aren’t seen as family cars.

Maybe one is more comfortable for the DC so whoever is running them around uses that car. Or one is smaller so whoever needs to nip into town uses that one.

It does seem, on the face if it, that OP is happy to share whatever DH has not not so keen to share back. I’m asking why she doesn’t see everything in the same pot - what’s her DH done or not done to make her feel things have to be ‘hers’?

I do agree that the gifted money should be didn’t as OP wants, since her DF gifted it specifically to help her

VeThings · 20/09/2019 07:42

should be spent as OP wants

zsazsajuju · 20/09/2019 07:43

A lot of the pp are being pretty harsh. Her dh is not a “dick”. All his salary goes on the family and ops df is offering a substantial amount of money which could pay offa chunk of their mortgage for plastic surgery and “retraining”. I agree that if ops df is offering to pay for a specific thing that’s what the money should be used for but the dh has a point.

SuchAToDo · 20/09/2019 07:44

Op usually I wouldn't ask your parents to interfere but this time I would

I'd invite your dad over (or go see him with your husband) and get your dad to explain that HE gave the money to YOU for YOU to have surgery you need .....and also to pay for you to retrain ....

Talk to your dad before the situation so he is on the same page as you when he talks to your husband

I'd be tempted to get dad to say "oh well since you aren't going to let her have it for surgery and to retrain I will not give it since that is the ONLY reason I am giving it HER"

Nottsangel2015 · 20/09/2019 07:45

If your df was giving you an amount of money to do as you wish with then I think that is different but as he is paying specifically for things for you then know your df is doing something for his dd end of! Your husband is a dick if he doesn't see that and that this will help your self esteem and long term career! X

onanothertrain · 20/09/2019 07:45

I can't believe your DH is getting such a hard time here - actually I can and its uncalled for. I think gifts are for the person receiving them. I do agree that if this was reversed a man would be told it was family money. Does your father often rush in to help you. Are you a daddy's girl?

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2019 07:46

I don't get the folk saying the car belongs to both of when your DH (who is a dick by the way) already has his own!

OnceUponAThread · 20/09/2019 07:46

A partnership where everything he has is shared and everything you have ISN'T*, is no partnership at all.

(Bloody typos)

CherryPavlova · 20/09/2019 07:46

I’d normally say all money was family money but in this case, it feels more like a gift than handing over money. It is for a very specific purpose and not intended for the family pot.

Inheritance, cars, childcare costs, salaries are all part of household money and both partners should have equal access and equal say.

Chalfontstgiles · 20/09/2019 07:48

Agree with @OnceUponAThread.......your DH is wrong on the surgery if that's what your DF explicitly wants for you. Otherwise OP sounds like you do just want to have your cake & eat it. Why on earth wouldn't you want to share any good fortune inheritance with a guy who has shared his earnings and bonuses with you? Sorry but this explains his rather misguided frustration towards you a lot.

Stfrancescof · 20/09/2019 07:48

I wrote a very similar thread to this a few years back. It took me a long time to see that exh was a domestic abuse perpetrator. He did this partly via spiteful, excessive demands on my money, presents, possessions.

He sounds like a poisonous dickweed. Pm me if you'd like thoughts about leaving Flowers

Bonniefoible · 20/09/2019 07:48

I agree in that if finances are shared, they are shared. No this is my money, etc, unless you set it up that way. However, no way would a reasonable, loving husband watch his wife struggle and being upset, then argue about funds that could be spent on improving his wife's body confidence and job prospects. If you were buying a luxury car or spa break or something and you had a hole in the roof or about to be evicted - that kind of scenario x I could see his point. On this, he sounds like a selfish git and your dad sounds lovely.

He also sounds controlling and as a SAHM you're a but vulnerable. I'd be looking ahead and planning getting back to work.

That said, being the only income earner in a household must be stressful. If he is normally a good husband, you don't really explain that, he might be feeling the strain of it all and being difficult as a result. Only you would know that.

Sweetbabycheezits · 20/09/2019 07:49

I inherited a small amount of money when a much loved auntie passed away. My DH had NO expectation that he had a claim to that money, and was grateful when I told him I'd like to put it toward a kitchen remodel and a family holiday. Technically, it was 'his' money, too, but he was gracious enough to allow me to drive how it was spent. Your DH doesn't sound very nice.

Swipe left for the next trending thread