Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Anothernotherone The lack of published papers within the last two years is the reason she says she would not be able to get a research post or lectureship. She goes on to state that she could get teaching work (just not a lectureship).

I don't blame her. Getting stuck in the "few hours a week part time ad hoc teaching" trap isn't great. Theres no pay during the holidays and no job certainty. It doesn't make much money either.

She's throwing the baby out with the bathwater in deciding to ditch everything connected to her completed PhD and post doctoral work, not even look for connected teaching or commercial employment.

I can understand why the OP doesn't want to provide potentially identifying personal information but I assumed there was some sort of qualification connected with her profession that she could do that would enable her to work in her field commercially rather than academically. I know that there is in mine, its a year long course and its quite expensive to do. A phd is irrelevant if you haven't got this qualification.

QualCheckBot if she wants to do a year long course connected to her PhD which would enable her to work commercially in her field then of course that makes sense. She says repeatedly that she has no idea what she'd retrain as though. If that's an attempt to retain anonymity it's one that renders replies pointless because it completely changes the scenario in a way that changing other details (saying that the baby is a ds when it's a DD for example) don't.

The whole tummy tuck obsession scenario and the determination that loose skin following 4 stone of weight loss is a "birth injury" is even more problematic though. The attitude that high risk cosmetic surgery is unquestionably a way to make yourself happy again is so dangerous and worrying, I'm so surprised that so many people are affirming the idea that this plan should not be questioned. I suspect that the few voices pointing out that a reputable surgeon won't do the operation on someone in such a difficult mental state, and pointing out the risks and complications, are the only ones with any idea that a tummy tuck is a serious and dangerous operation.

A lot of PP are being getting very caught up in what OP should or shouldn’t spend the money on. That’s wasn’t what she wanted advice on. She wants to know if her DH should have a say, as it has been gifted to her, for a specific purpose. I been a SAHM parent and benefited from my STBXH’s salary and we made joint decisions about how it was spent. But when he has been given a gift of money, I would never have dreamt of expecting to have a say in how he spent it or expected him to spend it on me/joint things. And when I went back to work PT, my earnings went in the communal pot but I also spent gift money in any way I chose. Sometimes I have spent it on the family, sometimes not. But he wouldn’t have ever expected a say. It’s a personal gift!

He doesn't want or can't scale back on work - understandable.
She wants a fulfilling career - understandable.

Both are possible.

What we don't know is how these conversations go. Is the op demanding and aggressive in her communication which makes him respond unreasonably not unlikely given some of her posts on here or is he unreasonable which makes her respond the way she does?

Either way it goes back to couple counseling with a possible outcome of divorce.
Trouble is I don't think the op is ready for this yet. Instead she blames her dh or external factors instead of taking responsibility for herself and her own decisions.

Understandably she is wanting to get her ducks in a row by retraining. Maybe they have to split first then she retrain. Currently due to lack of communication they are stuck in a viscous cycle of blame and not seeing each other's view points.

Something needs to happen. It's not a healthy dynamic at the moment.

Demanding and aggressive in her "what's mine is mine" attitude

Vicious

Remoteisland the things she wants to spend the money on are relevant because they impact the whole family not just the OP.

Her father bought her a car - her husband gained responsibility for paying for tax, insurance, servicing, repair and petrol. Running a car is a major expense, and the OP is very angry that her husband refered to the car he pays the running costs on as "ours".

A tummy tuck is a serious operation. The recovery is brutal. The complications can be life changing or fatal. Even if all goes well the OP will not be able to care for their joint child for at least six weeks - currently she is a Sahm and tells us she does all the childcare (which is understandably frustrating). Six weeks of childcare will need to be found plus a certain amount of personal care for the OP. The family live pay check to paycheck. Six weeks of unpaid leave or childcare whole the OP recovers may simply tip the family into debt.

Retraining may or may not make sense for the family financially but of course it has to be a mutual decision because the costs are by no means only the course fees but again childcare. Unlike returning to work retraining requires potentially a very long period of paying childcare fees without any extra money at all coming in to balance the budget. Again the family, who live paycheck to paycheck, have no money left over to allow for childcare payments without any second income at all. Whether this makes sense for the family needs to be discussed, it's not a unilateral decision because the running costs of the gift are sky high.

If your child was given £5000 would you let them spend it on a pony if you couldn't comfortably afford livery or a field and a stable and food and vets fees? Would you be serene if your husband's family gave him a sum of money and he unilaterally decided to spend it on something with high running costs which would impact the whole family and require you all to cut back? Or would you expect a conversation about making that purchase?

Kate do you not think it's demanding and aggressive to expect a say in how she spends a personal gift? I'd say that he set them off on this particular route by wanting to appropriate her present while at the same time being utterly unwilling to change anything in his own life to help her sort a new career.

He didn't gain responsibility for running her car, they did. As a sahp she is saving the family childcare costs and all the logistical problems that having two ft workers can result in. She is earning that money too.

Just ran this past my dh. He said doesn't her husband want her to feel better about herself and build up her self esteem? Surely making her happy will make for a happier marriage?
If your df had said he will pay some mortgage off it would be different. The sooner you go back to work, the sooner you bring in an income which helps the finances. Presumably your dh had some input into the pregnancy, it wasn't an immaculate conception?
Arse wants it both ways.
Tough.

aderyn but is it the chicken or egg?

Anothernotherone the analogy of the child and horse is very apt.

Aderyn19 fair enough, but either way the gift was not cost neutral to the family pot. The gifts the OP gets from her father are hers alone, but they all have high running costs which are taken from the family pot.
There isn't any spare money in that pot, according to the OP, and the way she wants to spend the money from her father will prevent her doing the childcare without replacing the childcare contribution with a financial one.

Wait a minute. The DH has already had a free car out of her father? I admit I haven't read everything above (theres just so many posts) but I can see why he now thinks he's entitled to further subsidies if the last one benefitted him so much.

Why didn't he buy his own car? And whoopee that he has to pay to tax and insure it, that's what everyone does and strangely enough, unless you pay for it too, it doesn't normally give you ownership.

What on earth is he spending his money on if he doesn't buy his own car?

He's doing very well out of this marriage. The OP returning to well paid work with good prospects makes financial sense for this family. Why does the DH think he is entitled to regular financial help from his father-in-law?

I clearly missed the part where the OP is at risk of becoming homeless and has described clear signs of depression visible to any consultant who might carry out a tummy tuck on a woman with similar concerns.

He didn't gain responsibility for running her car, they did.
But he had no say in it and isn't allowed to call it "our car"

BabyShark He said doesn't her husband want her to feel better about herself and build up her self esteem? Surely making her happy will make for a happier marriage?

Well, yes, that's obvious. He doesn't want her to see what a controlling arse he is! He wants her downtrodden and too miserable to rebel from the little life he has set up for her. The way the DH here is going, he is heading for an almost certain divorce because his behaviour is guaranteed to keep his wife unhappy and since she's educated and already seeing through it, she will only put up with it for so long.

And wow, everyone has to pay car running costs. If he doesn't want a car, he can use public transport or walk or cycle. No-one forcing a free car on him!

There are some very, very strange responses on this thread...very controlling, gaslighting ones...

QualCheckBot where have you got that from? They were a one car family and OP's father bought her a car, which according to the op is only hers, absolutely not "ours" but running costs are paid for from the joint account.

QualCheckBot not having read the thread might be your problem. They have 2 cars now - the OP's father bought the second one which is exclusively the OP's property not a family car, but running costs are paid from family money, she was very clear about that.

He should fuck right off. Go ahead and get it, don't give in to him.

I suspect that you're finding replies odd because you haven't actually read enough of the OP's own posts to know what you're talking about!

They have 2 cars now - the OP's father bought the second one which is exclusively the OP's property not a family car, but running costs are paid from family money, she was very clear about that.
That's what I recall too.

Not that it matters as now the thread has got to the point of making gaslighting accusations (yet it's totally fine for posters to ignore the OP Saying she rightly has access to and spends family funds in favour of speculating that it's financially abusive because money may be in a joint account but she might not be allowed to use it).

Only on MN does exploring a range of options and expecting two married adults to have a reasonable discussion about their finances and plans moving forward constitute abuse.

But OP had no benefit from 'his' car, since he took it to work. It wasn't him waiting at bus stops with a baby. I think running costs for a second car is a reasonable expense. If the family are struggling that much on his wage maybe he should support his wife in getting her career back on track. Or he could look for a different job. Or if she gets a good job herself maybe he should cut back on his career for a couple of years.
It seems to me that all the giving up of things is coming from her and he is carrying in as before but complaining about her trying to improve her life.

Anothernotherone I suspect that you're finding replies odd because you haven't actually read enough of the OP's own posts to know what you're talking about!

No, I find them odd because they're written as if by either the author of a 1950's good housewife manual, or alternatively, a stereotypical gaslighting man.

It doesn't really matter what the OP's motivations are or whether counselling would help, she already sounds so fed up that she will be consulting a divorce solicitor sooner or later unless the DH changes his attitudes. She doesn't actually have to do anything and neither does he. No-one is compelled to stay in an unhappy marriage.

It also sounds as though the OP will be just fine if she does separate or divorce, because she has strong parental financial assistance.

I'd love to hear the father's views on the DH. Somehow I suspect he's not a fan.

Were going around in circles - I don't think this thread can be of help to the OP and perhaps she's stopped reading. A lot of posters haven't even read all the OP's own posts.

Tbh my main concern is that the op sounds unwell, crying all the time and very angry and unhappy. I think she needs to see her GP about this, and not make drastic unilateral decisions about very invasive, serious private cosmetic surgery. Her thinking seems rigid and marked by catastrophism and extremes.

I wish her well but don't agree with her or the posters rushing to affirm that she should rush into anything dramatic, especially this surgery, without a lot of talking things through first.

I'm not on her husband's "side" - I was a Sahm too, I had 3 big babies and 3 caesareans and one real birth injury - an overhang, which I also have, is not a birth injury. I usually want to point out, like Aderyn the ways female biology impacts women and the considerable overlooked value of childcare. I think there are more specific issues here though and that confirming the OP's catastrophic thinking is not being on her side and not helping her.

I'm out though because I think arguing with other random posters who haven't even read the OP's own words is pointless.

@Aderyn19 she may have benefitted at weekend.

Or are you suggesting he gave up work to give her use of the car. Since he couldnt do that he has to accept having a second car and running costs, even though they were already skint.

A second car is often a luxury.

I'd be wary of listening to family on relationships (especially when it involves someone regularly offloading to their family) as they only hear one side of things and can be fairly blinkered to the fact that a relationship has two people in it and most of the time there are rights and wrong son both sides.

That's based on the two couples who I know that divorced following lots of running back and forth to family rather than discuss with their spouse, anyway.

Airing dirty laundry with family is always risky as they cling to what you say when you're Inna bad mood with them and then next time you're in a bad mood they add that to the pile of stuff and so on. I've seen couples work it out after a bad spell too, but then they get annoyed that their family won't accept their DP/DW/DH and as friends we have to point out that no wonder their family have an issue with their partners because they spent months running to them bitching when they were in a bad mood, or wanting sympathy and a pat on the back and confirmation their partner/spouse was awful and they were right. I can't blame their family for disliking their spouse/partner, but it was interesting as friends in the middle to see just how different the situation looked from seeing both sides Vs just one.

Anothernotherone Tbh my main concern is that the op sounds unwell, crying all the time and very angry and unhappy. I think she needs to see her GP about this

Mmmn. All too often the GP's answer to a woman's very real concerns is anti-depressants and/or counselling (often quite limited).

I think that the OP's concerns are very real and worth addressing in themselves. As in they relate to two very specific issues, not a general feeling. I don't think the sad/mad/bad approach will save this marriage. The OP is clearly very intelligent and capable of speaking out about her unhappiness in the marriage, and unless that's addressed, this problem will not go away but will simply recur.