Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Im going through a divorce and my STBXH is claiming half of the jewellery is his.
My lawyers have said anything gifted to you belongs to you only
That the legal point.

But seriously do you really want to marry this guy?

That's not true though, is it? He thinks the money is "half his" because they're married.

No he made the point that as they were married they should, discuss how it was spent as a couple. Not that half should be immediately transfer him half for him to spend in what he fancies.

It sounds like more he is challenging her continuing attitude of 'if its mine its mine and you get no say'.

If a man had that attitude everyone would be telling the woman to challenge him.

That's not true though, is it? He thinks the money is "half his" because they're married.

I think you are forgetting that nor every divorce is the same and there are many mitigating factors. That's not the same in all divorces for all possessions.

The OP wrote this:

He thinks because we’re married he owns half of all my possessions."

He doesn't.

And there is no discussion to be had about what the money is to be spent on - it is the OP's decision, since it has been gifted to her - specifically for this operation.

@zebrasdontwearbras it hasnt been gifted specifically for this operation.

She also said that he just wanted a converstation and to be included in the decision.

That's why I and many posters have said it seems the poster and hee husband are locked more in a battle of wills and principles and got to the point they dont see the others point of view.

He wants to at least be included on the decision. OP is desperate for this operation so wont discuss it all.

He seems to be fed up with her attitude 'of what's mine is mine's (remembering she considers any inheritance hers only, not something to improve their life, including her childs life, with). She feels she had given so much up she deserves anything she wants.

I dont think that actually either of them are completely in the wrong.

You see it all the time. A volume that become so convinced their point of view is right and it's a point of principle, it ends their relationship.

I’d be very wary of any surgeon who was prepared to do a cosmetic operation on you in your current state of mind frankly

Your husband sounds like a jealous child it's almost as if you can't have anything without his say so

This must be so exhausting I'm not going to speculate about your relationship but I truly wonder if you'd be crying as much if you weren't with someone who thinks he owns you.

Listen to your Dad, my dad once gave me a car similar situation as you in fact he did it twice and my stbxh systematically ruined both cars and when I went to uni he systematically sabotaged my degree he was abusive and very jealous I couldn't see it and I couldn't understand why the person I'd dedicated my life to would do that when it was all for the family.

I'm sorry your going through this however hard it may be get the tuck get the education it's a healthy boundary for you to establish that you won't be bullied out of your gift

I can't see the point in any discussion over what to do with her father's gift. If the husband disagrees, what then? Why should she give him final say over her present and if she's set on what she wants then there's no point discussing it - it will just lead to a row.
I think OP knows her own husband and if she feels she has to guard herself against him then she isn't seeing him as someone who has her best interests at heart. That he is trying to muscle in on her dad's gift says to me that she's right.
If he wants more say, then maybe he shouldn't change the terms of their prior agreement without her consent and maybe he should step up his own contribution to childcare. I think she's just trying to avoid being lumbered with all the baby stuff and a job which isn't a career. It's not a crime to not know exactly what she wants to do - she's not thought about it because she has only just been offered options.

We’ve had a huge argument because DH refuses to take a step back from his job so I can work too. He earns more than I would, so if he works less and I work more we’d be worse off overall. He’s not thinking about my desire to work or my long term prospects. This wasn’t an issue before his promotion when we earned the same and he was willing to have a fair division of childcare.

He says there’s no option to take a step back from work in his current position, he’d just have to give up his job. And he’s whinging that none of his male colleagues have reduced their hours and none of them have any responsibility for leaving early to pick up from nursery etc.

I’ve threatened to divorce him so he’d have to do his share of childcare half of the week. He said he won’t take 50% custody and he won’t take responsibility for his child on a week day.

Bless your father, what a kind thoughtful man.

I do see where your dh is coming from in some ways, but it sounds like you really need this tummy tuck, so if he really cares for you I think he would tell you to go ahead and do it. I'm sure if it were the other way round and his dad had offered to give him money to pay for something that was affecting his life negatively you would tell him to do it. You want to better yourself. It's not like your splashing it on clothes handbags and jewellery is it.

@QualCheckBot if they were to divorce my understand is he could have a claim on it

Given you haven't a clue what you want to retrain as then nobody can say (including him) what you will or won't earn

Either way, balls in your court now.
You either leave, have your surgery, use family help to do your own thing and get your career, or you stay put in a marriage either doing the same thing as now, or using payouts from dad to do what you want with the security of the bills being paid and being a woman who is a lifelong martyr always complaining about how selfless she is for everyone else

As I said pages ago, I'd be out doing my own thing. Only you can decide what you're going to do.

Xitt, I don't agree with you on this point - that he should step back from his work. We both put ours first and it worked fine - if you both work full time then yo both have to pay for help at home and childcare. It is risky if both of you do less work as it tends to damage both careers. he is also right on the cihldcare - we divorcd and my 50% etc husband then chose not to have the children even one night a year so I was not only finding child care 9 - 5 but also times like 5.30am to 9am when I had an early flight for a business trip etc. not easy but that's English law. If he won't help if you go back to wrok full time or retrain then you and he just need to buy in extra childcare. We advertised int he paper for someone 3 - 6pm after school and got 70 people contacting us! There are certainly loads of people out there able to help look after childreno f all ages.

If he won't do any housework (and even my busy doctor father in the 196-s spend Saturdays vaccuming the house, emptying the bins round the house and all sorts, never mind bed time stories every night, helping with cooking and he drove us to school every day until I was 18....) then just don't do his - he can find his dirty pants unwashed and learn how to use the washer.

the post of someone else above about jewellery and gifts is not relevant in England by the way. A present to anyone in marriage is still an asset that can be divided up. It is vital to take legal advice in the jurisdiction where you are living. Unless it is a very short marriage and short living together period before that the English courts will look at all assets no matter whose name they are in for a divorce.

See, this is how men have women over a barrel. They know you aren't just going to move out and leave the baby with them full time. I think what he has done is fraudulent - he's misrepresented himself as a decent man who would share the parenting and now you've had a child he's screwed you over!
I think your best bet is to do what you want, take the help from your dad to get your career on track and then ltb. Take your 50% of the house and his pension. You will still have the child most of the time so no change there!

OP this is a hard place you are currently in, in the kindest way this man is not your freind he sees you unequal and a member of staff, I'm shocked at what he said would happen if you were to divorce he is trying to scare and guilt you so you step back in line. Personally I'd divorce and get as much support of your lovely dad or family you can get whether its emotional or financial help. You deserve good things OP you are not just a wife and mother you are a person with her own likes and dreams. When it's all settled live for yourself not for your husband, do what you want to be happy. This is what I'd be saying to my daughter

P.s big hugs x

His point about non of the men he knows having to take a step back is a dick move and stupid. As is his assertion that he wont do anything on a week day.

But to be honest, I think him taking a step back probably isnt helpful either.

For a start, if you are going day to day, he cant take a step back.

Then if you will be having the operation, then retraining (plus time to decide what you want to do), the point you may need him to step back could be years and years away. The child could be in school, he might not be in that job.

I am a director in a large multimillion pound company. I was also a single parent and managed to work a 'high flying' job and do all school runs. There no reason childcare cant be found for you to use so you both can work. He cant possibly never be able to do drop off or pick up, for example.

I often despair on MN when people say that if an OP divorces then her ex will HAVE to do 50% childcare . You cannot force someone to do childcare or even see his children.
OP your H is showing you who he is ; I think you need to plan a future for you and your DC with the support of your lovely Dad and other family and friends .
My ex rarely saw our DC for years after we split . He used to say he wasn’t a babysitter if I asked him to look after the DC!
You deserve better. Good luck .

TBF he may not be able to take a step back without jeopardising his career. This is why people use nannies and use a lot of other childcare. Many families have two high flying parents who delegate.
Just because he can't or is unwilling to sacrifice his career doesn't mean you can't have the same.

I don't know whether he's saying what he is because of how you are saying/presenting, what you are saying or if he's genuinely a twat. But this is where communication is really necessary to get to a solution that you are both happy with.

It's actually looking like there will be a fight over custody in the event of a divorce - over who won't have the child

I'd not threaten to divorce him then. He won't do childcare, so you're on your own. You may as well be on your own without his making you feel resentful.

Absolutely none of his business. It's an offer to pay for you to have something specific you need, not a gift of money per se.
I used to have this argument with my exH about our children's savings -he said it was 'our' money not 'theirs' and wanted to use it to pay into the mortgage.
Part of the reason he's an exH...

Surely him taking a step back at work right now would be foolish as his is the only wage coming in. I can see why he wouldn't agree to that.

You will just need to sort out childcare arrangements between you once you have a job, so nursery fees etc. are covered.

I also think you need to at least have an idea of what you want to retrain for, how long that is likely to take, likely earnings and career path etc. then you can plan for it. It sounds like he can't feasibly take a step back from his career now.

an overhang is not a birth injury, it's a side effect of putting on weight during pregnancy, possibly exacerbated by having a caesarean.

This.

Did you not want your child op only they way you are talking it sounds like you see having your child only in the terms of benefits to your husband.

You sound very resentful of everything and everyone.