Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Tiltheendoftheline if the OP is depressed, counselling might or might not help. It might also be money down the drain if it doesn't fix the problem/s that are causing the OP to be down.

I think the OP sounds as if she misses her former life, where she worked in her profession, had prospects, had a life outside the home and didn't have a tummy overhang. I don't blame her. Sometimes disastisfaction is a very useful driving force.

Anotheranotherone wow, that's a lot of biting, critical remarks about the OP. Is there some Stepford Wife school you could recommend so that she comes out the other end with the perfect set of reactions and responses? The OP is under no duty to do as her husband wishes.

I don't think the DH's responses to his wife's unhappiness are great. He doesn't sound as though he cares that much about her happiness to be honest.

If my DH tried to tell me that I couldn't receive a gift from my own parents without asking his detailed permission, I'd tell him to take a running jump. Sometimes you've got to stand up for yourself in this life, rather than play the good little wife, always consulting her husband for discussions so that he isn't annoyed.

I don't like the sound of this DH at all. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP is depressed in this relationship.

Perhaps the OP could clarify, but I have the impression that the gift hasn't been given yet and is specifically for the purposes that she has mentioned. Perhaps the OP could also clarify whether her father could instead pay the providers of the service directly.

In that scenario, it would not form an asset in any future divorce. It would never even enter her bank account. I think any family law solicitor would advise the OP to be very careful in this relationship.

if the OP is depressed, counselling might or might not help. It might also be money down the drain if it doesn't fix the problem/s that are causing the OP to be down

I didnt say counselling specifically. Theres lots of ways to address depression.

But I can tell you that addressing it and getting support will help her more than a Tummy tuck. If she is as depressed as she come across, her recovery could make her worse. Even if it goes well.

Being of a good state of mind before the operation would be far less risky.

I personally would avoid diagnosing depression on the basis of a few posts on a social media site.

Hi OP, have you tried return to research after a break type scholarships? Happy to pm. What is your field?

(Disclaimer: I don't work in academia any more, and happy in current career started from scratch after being SAHM. Used transferable skills.)

He said he won’t take 50% custody and he won’t take responsibility for his child on a week day
So he basically waited until he had his feet well under the table and you jobless and dependent on him alone before revealing his true colours.

He's shown you the kind of man he really is OP.

Is this the kind of 'partnership' you want - or deserve?

FFS, everything is 'depression', she's maybe just fed up of being with this guy who doesn't want his own child.

DH has a vested interest in keeping me at home doing all the school pickups for the next ten years in order to enable his career. Of course he doesn’t want me to retrain

In which case I'd be telling him to sod off and use the money for yourself. I know the cost / benefit of childcare while working isn't always there ie you work and your salary pretty much just covers the childcare. But if you are ambitious and do want a career, then I'd still do it. Get back onto a career path as quickly as you can. Every year delayed is another year it will take you to get where you want. As your background is research, could you look at maybe a research support role? I'm thinking progressing towards research centre manager type thing? Totally up to you, but if you can build on your current experience and skills instead of starting from scratch, you might be able to start a bit higher up the ladder, so to speak. Also, the higher education sector where I am has much more flexible hours than other industries and is proactively family friendly.

He said he won’t take 50% custody and he won’t take responsibility for his child on a week day

Take this bastard’s sorry ass to the cleaners @Xitt. He pulled a con job on you and he knows it. He’s being mentally and financially abusive toward you. Take your dad’s money and rally all your friends and family to help you. There’s also lots of great support on the Divorce/Separation board of MN.

Being divorced without his support is better than being married under his thumb. It's been clear from the start he was an unsupportive husband.

FFS, everything is 'depression', she's maybe just fed up of being with this guy who doesn't want his own child.

Everything isnt depression. OP is a regular poster who several people have recognised. Ita quite clear from her posts she has a very, very low mood.

The point is that where both parents work often they don't do any school pick ups. We hired someone who worked from 3 to 6pm to collect the children and give them their dinner (and bath the babies). It is not a you or he must do it choice. Also some schools have after school clubs.

I personally would avoid diagnosing depression on the basis of a few posts on a social media site.

I didnt diagnose her. It's clear she has a low mood. I have said if it was depression.

It seems you are talking in circles and on purposes. First its was counselling was a waste of money. When I addressed that now you dont agree she could be depressed.

I think she should have the operation. I just think someone who is so desperate to have an operation that she doesnt care if they became homeless bor care about even thinking about possible side effects, complications or recovery isnt an ideal candidate.

It would be devastating to her if there was a complication, especially if she hasnt really though it out.

I know, because I have had surgery, twice, that is classed as cosmetic but was actually for medical reasons. A nose job (broken twice and cause me issues) and a breast reduction (causing back problems to the point I was always stopping forward).

Its bloody hard going. But any decent surgeon will not operate before going through possible complications and recovery. Lots wouldnt operate if they felt the person wasnt making a welk thought out decision and not acknowledging what can happen.

@Xenia yes, I was a single parent. Breakfast and afterschool club was a must. If I could have afforded someone to collect and bring home I would have done that though.

If single parents can have a career, so can 2 parenta living together. This man may e a cunt. But OP can do these things with or without him. Especially if she has great financial support from her father.

Op I have just skim read the thread. You are in a very vulnerable position and you know it.
You've got a brain and would be bored shitless in any sort of min wage job.

My advice is get the Op and have a good think about career, what can you move into, or can you pick up pieces of the career you had?

Would teaching be an option? Term time giving you school holidays with DC?

I certainly don't see the money as family money, it's a gift to you to sort your life out - ie investing in your future.
Paying the mortgage isnt sorting out your life nor is a holiday.

I'd be very wary of any suggestions of paying off mortgage with promise to save the cash for retraining - they'll always be other priorities / luxuries that will end up taking over from saving for retraining.

QualCheckBot I am in no way a "Stepford Wife" nor advocating being I am by default on the woman's side, but I think telling Xitt she is right here isn't being on her side.

I am astounded that so many women are backing up and affirming the OP's misconception that having serious, high risk cosmetic surgery involving a long and unpleasant recovery period is unquestionably the right and proper thing to do and will solve all her problems.

She says she doesn't care about the risks and would rather her two year old be homeless than not have her cosmetic surgery.

She says she doesn't know what she wants to retrain as and won't talk about this, nor how childcare will be funded - her only focus is that she has money for retraining. She won't look at ways to re-enter the workforce using her PhD - she only left the workforce two years ago. There are ways to return to work without needing a retraining budget when you already have postgraduate qualifications and haven't been out of the workforce long but she refuses to consider anything but spending money on retraining. It's very rigid thinking.

I don't think this thread can be doing the OP any good, especially the constant affirmation by all but a couple of posters that she should have this high risk surgery no matter what.

These decisions should be taken as a family once there are dependent children and a mortgage - if her husband wanted to give up work, have cosmetic surgery and retrain, he should absolutely also discuss it with his wife in exactly the same way. It probably wouldn't be possible at the moment even if the operation and training itself was free. Lack of childcare/ lack of a wage coming in impact the whole family.

Maybe they would be better divorced, if they don't like one another. Sounds as though none of them like their poor toddler either - perhaps toddler could go and live with grandad

EdtheBear "the minimum wage job" Xitt was talking about was teaching, albeit teaching in further or higher education. It is badly paid and the terms and conditions are often not great, but it's not boring and lots of people with PhDs do it. She's not willing to try it to get back into the workforce because the pay might only match childcare costs, but doesn't know what she does want to do.

If all money is joint then obviously the OP's salary goes into the pot and childcare comes out, for a while the pot won't have more in it but the op isn't working to cover childcare - once the child is getting free hours, and then once he only needs after school care, the pot will have more in it because the OP returned to work (but more importantly her mental health and self image will hopefully have improved).

For the first time ever, what @xenia said. OP’s thinking is very narrow and it’s as if she believes that in every family where both parents work, one is doing a lesser job and picking up from nursery. Use his promotion and your new career to hire a nanny.
Please say what the proposed new training is for though? The dancing around the topic makes me think it’s whatever the current equivalent of cupcake baking/ becoming a Botox therapist after a 1 day course without any real career or even earnings prospect.
Most of all - poor unwanted child

The suggestions from PP to look at outsourcing childcare and house chores so both can build a career are excellent.

There's no inevitably that only one person can have a career and no inevitably that one person has to be doing everything at home.

Of course, a lot depends on what the OP wants to retrain in. A professional job with good long term prospects and the financial boost to the family pot that makes outside support financially viable is going to be quite a different proposal than a short course in a skill that will be 10 hours a week and some local craft fairs/at home selling.

There's a world of possibilities out there if they're explored and discussed. That's the point though isn't it, it has to be discussed. Not argued about.

And if after a sensible adult discussion there's no resolution then surely the obvious thing to do is leave.

@AtillatheHun the OP has no clue what she wants to do.

I suspect that ita one of ybecteasons she wont leave. Her retraining plan, plus the operation is years away from actually earning money

Perhaps her dad will support her through that period. Who knows.

That's what people dont want to hear. OP said he is stressed and wants her to look at going back to work in her old role, which she could do and look at something else, diversifying. To take some pressure off. But ops plans keeps pressure on for several more years.

I mean he is being a dick about not taking the child 50:50. But at this point he cant step back at work or the Bill's wont get paid. Who knows what will happen between now and her actually getting into work.

OP does seem very resigned to 'without retraining I must be the one that ends up with a poor career and drudgery and if I train it will all be roses, but only if he makes career sacrifices'

Even if the OP retains and has a great career, it's not automatic he has to step back in his.

Single parents build careers. Lots of couples both build careers. If thats what they want.

Because op has financial support from her father, she actually has more options than alot of people. Wether she stays with her husband or not. But it appears she cant see the wood for the trees.

As I said before I think they have both fenced themseleves into a corner that, this is their position and neither of them will move and in an argument both are saying pretty shitry and poorly planned out things.

EdtheBear"the minimum wage job"Xittwas talking aboutwasteaching, albeit teaching in further or higher education. It is badly paid and the terms and conditions are often not great, but it's not boring and lots of people with PhDs do it.

The point is she said she couldn't get back into that type of because of lack of publishing papers in the last couple of years and it being a specialist field with little work in their area.

Retraining certainly seems to be a logical step.

He says there’s no option to take a step back from work in his current position,

What is his job? Is this correct?

At the moment he is the only one paying the bills, I take it? That’s quite a stressful place to be.

What do you want to retrain as? How exactly do you want him to help with childcare?

I don't believe that the OP doesn't want or love her child. She just doesn't want to be solely responsible for all of the parenting. She is looking after him and thinking about his future financial security (re inheritance). Parents of unwanted kids don't bother.
I think if she was giving up a paid job to retrain then that ought to be something a couple decide together, but she shouldn't have to get a crap job that fits around the child and her husband's work, while he gets to career build and do nothing else. Her right to be intellectually stimulated is equal to his. They decided to have a baby - she didn't sign up to getting dumped with all the wife work while he carried on as usual.

Obviously the training needs to be carefully considered and this thread has given her done great suggestions that she can use her existing qualifications for, but I totally get that she wants decent money and job security.
I think it's hard to be like Xenia if you don't have a husband who values your career as much as his own. While she is starting out, it's expensive to get nannies. After school care doesn't exist everywhere either and a lot of nurseries want the 'free' hours topped up. It's not impossible to overcome, but do much easier if the partner is in agreement.

I think you would be better off asking your DF to pay for counselling sessions. If you are 'always crying', there is more support needed than a tummy tuck, don't you think?
Look at what you can do tomorrow as one small step for yourself. Can you do one or two hours a week volunteering? This may help you get confidence for yourself and help refocus your current inward looking perspective.
You seem to be thinking you have to be 'perfect' before you can try anything at all. You keep having visions of the 'perfect' you then bursting into tears when things don't seem look like that in reality. It's the All or Nothing thinking. Being a SAHP can do that to a person, it's pretty confidence-sapping.
You may get to eventually realise that you are in fact perfect and a good person no matter what your shape or level of training is.

EdtheBear Look at Xitt 's own post on 20/09/19 at 22:02

The lack of published papers within the last two years is the reason she says she would not be able to get a research post or lectureship. She goes on to state that she could get teaching work (just not a lectureship).

She's throwing the baby out with the bathwater in deciding to ditch everything connected to her completed PhD and post doctoral work, not even look for connected teaching or commercial employment.

Seaweed42 that is an insightful and helpful post.