Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

I think there is disdain because for the DH, nothing in his life has altered. He still has a career, his body is fine, he has a child but does no childcare - he basically lives as he always did, comes and goes as he pleases
For the OP everything is different. She is in pain, her career has gone (and so much of our identity is caught up in our work) and she feels the opportunity to get it back is slipping away.
Then her dad comes along and offers a lifeline to restore her body and her career and her DH seems to think he ought to have an opinion on whether she gets to take that lifeline.

That's very much how I see it, @Aderyn19. The changes to the DH's life have been minimal, while the changes to OP's life have been massive, and have made her feel very depressed.

The DH's apparent reluctance for OP to use this gift to reduce the impact that those changes have had on her would have me questioning just how much he actually cares about me if I was in OP's shoes.

Your father didn’t gift you the money on the basis of paying the mortgage off or for whatever your dh is wanting it for.

If the surgery will help your mobility then he’s being a dick in saying no don’t spend it on that to improve your quality of life and to stop you being in pain.

Might be an argument but sod it, take the opportunity

That's very much how I see it,**@Aderyn19. The changes to the DH's life have been minimal, while the changes to OP's life have been massive, and have made her feel very depressed.

Well yes. But op is clearly ultimately quite selfish. See the disdain she has for him imagining that he might actually expect in hertience to go in the family pot.

She wants people to agree with her. So I can imagine the thread, written by her is biased, in a way that suggests she is the victim and he is the big bad husband who wont allow the only things that will make her happy.

Though he hasnt said he wont allow. He wanted to discuss it. And if OP is depressed the operation wont help that. Recovery period could make it worse. Restraining, may not help. It could make her worse.

If u believe she has depression. Its possibly the husband wants her to address that before spending money on things that may actually make her worse, not better, without having a conversation about it.

OP, you keep saying you’d be screwed if anything happened to your husband. First thing is to get life assurance for both of you so that’s one risk down, assuming he doesn’t already have it through work?

I think there is disdain because for the DH, nothing in his life has altered. He still has a career, his body is fine, he has a child but does no childcare - he basically lives as he always did, comes and goes as he pleases
For the OP everything is different. She is in pain, her career has gone (and so much of our identity is caught up in our work) and she feels the opportunity to get it back is slipping away.
Then her dad comes along and offers a lifeline to restore her body and her career and her DH seems to think he ought to have an opinion on whether she gets to take that lifeline.

This is it exactly. Plus I had an expectation of equality and shared childcare/work, but then DH was highly promoted and he moved the goalposts. No way will he step back from his achievements to do his share of raising his child. So it’s 100% on me, and his excuse is that’s fine because I don’t have a job any more. Never mind that’s not what I want.

For a variety of reasons my previous career is no longer accessible after this SAH break (time away from the workplace, lack of funding within my field, lack of opportunities within travelling distance, not getting on with my previous supervisor, lack of flexibility, heavy workload, etc). I need to switch to another career. If I get just a “job” for a bit of spare cash it won’t be important enough to rival his job and I won’t be able to reasonably say no, you must step up to do your share because my job is equally important. A part time job would be especially bad because then I’ll definitely get stuck with all the childcare.

DH has a vested interest in keeping me at home doing all the school pickups for the next ten years in order to enable his career. Of course he doesn’t want me to retrain - he might have to step back from his his job and actually take some responsibility. Whereas DF supports me being ambitious and wants to help me be more than just a SAHM with a little part time job.

You sound very switched on, OP, and your last post hits the nail on the head. Your father loves you unconditionally and wants the best for YOU. Your DH’s decisions are all based around enabling him and his own career. With DC, aggressive pursuit of a career is made far, far easier with someone else to keep the home fires burning. I let this situation go on for far too long and am now in all sorts of trouble. If you know that getting your career back on track is what you want, then insist on doing it.

You say he moved the goalposts, but you both had a child. I don't get this thing where some women act like they have no agency in things. If you had a supportive family (and it's clear you do) then that would be one point of saying "no I'm keeping my career". Equally earlier you said that in terms of timing it didn't work to keep your career so it's probably more likely that due to timing you both made the decision to be a SAHP but now because resentment has set in, you're presenting it as having had no choice.

See you say "no way" will he step back, you may well be right, but you've also not even been willing to have that discussion.

Surely, if having had that discussion it really is a case of he refuses to do anything then you make a decision if you want to be married? Not unilaterally decide that me and dad have a plan and you can suck it up?

If any man wanted me chained to the house, I'd not be telling him to suck it up whilst refusing to have a discussion. I'd be leaving and using my parents' generosity to get myself on my feet, retained on my own and finding someone who wants the same as me.

Either way, the expectations of staying in a marriage, having him cover the finances whilst you decide what you want to do, on whatever time frame suits you and expecting him to get over it because you want paying back for all you did with his child is still unreasonable.

I can't really work out why you had kids in the first place

You've not put what field you used to work in OP (fair enough, I'm not expecting you to) but are there no opportunities to move sideways into a private company that uses the research/analytical skills you evidently have? Have lots of friends that moved out of academia and they've nearly all ended up doing those sorts of jobs. The 2 years out of the workplace shouldn't be an issue (it's only the year's maternity leave plus one other). A friend has recently returned after a 7 year break without need to retrain. Yes, you'll be potentially dropping a level in terms of money but it would be much better than zero hour contract and the possibility of progression once you prove yourself. Have you looked into this sort of thing at all, or are you still at the nebulous "I want to do something but I don't really know what stage"? You might feel better is you start looking at options - it'll feel like you are positively doing something. I do agree with others that retraining without a clear plan is probably a waste of money.

I think the money gifted for the tummy tuck is perfectly fine.

But I disagree with the retraining. If you are an academic with a PhD you have already had plenty of training. So that is ridiculously entitled to expect more training on top of years of training.

That's a horrible thing to say. No one knows the reality of having children until they have one. The same with being a sahp. And she went into it in the expectation that her DH would be doing some parenting. He has changed the goalposts, not her!
I think some women expect too little from men - it is absolutely not okay that he does nothing and has dumped all the responsibility for looking after the baby on the OP. Working ft is not a get out of jail free card for being a shitty partner and parent.
If the OP says he won't change his work pattern or place equal value on her career, then she is on a better position than us to know that.
And if she leaves, she will still have all the childcare but will have less money and increased costs. She shouldn't have to rely on her family to support her. Her husband ought to care enough about her unhappiness to support her getting back on her feet.

OP, my advice is to do what you want with your dad's money. Get yourself in a position where you can afford to leave your h if that's your choice.

You say he moved the goalposts, but you both had a child. I don't get this thing where some women act like they have no agency in things

Ffs, read what the OP actually said. She thought there would be equal responsibility for the child but the dh obviously agreed to this for him to change him mind when he got promoted.

@Xitt Normally i’d agree that it’s joint money. However this sounds like a gift given for a specific purpose so you’re good to spend it on yourself. Our mums give us joint and separate money and it’s all good.

Ffs, read what the OP actually said. She thought there would be equal responsibility for the child but the dh obviously agreed to this for him to change him mind when he got promoted.
I read it.
Point still stands that they both had a child and both had to make decisions when circumstances changed.

The idea that it was some sort of total inevitably that one person accidently ends up not working for two years having no choice in the matter of staying at home is nonsense. Even the OP Said that it tied in with issues with her career that happened around baby so it's entirely more likely that it was a joint decision, but years later when unhappy with it suddenly she had no choice at all over it.

It's like there's selective agency going on here: so utterly passive and had to sit back and end up out of work for two years against her will, but also so full of agency that she can make unilateral choices about retraining in an area she hasn't decided yet without any of it being up for discussion with her husband.

And if the inability for two adults to communicate on their finances and ongoing plans is so useless then to be honest they may as well just split up rather than sitting stewing about how awful everything is unless he continues to pay the bills whilst she does what she wants. Say what the OP says is true that he isn't going to step up his side if and when she retrains and her career is always going to be second, why the hell stay? Or is it a case of wanting all the security of marriage but all the complaining rights about how marriage and kids ruined her life?

Xitt, i think your last post sums up the problem far better than your previous ones.
You may get some good advice if you started a new post, more or less replicating your post of about 10am.
I can completely see where you are coming from in that post, and it is far less to do with tummy tucks and re-training and far more to do with your dh's desire to have you facilitate his career by doing all the childcare and also, bring in some more money by getting a job (these almost mythical school hours jobs that fit conveniently around children's holidays/sick days etc, but pay more than childcare costs).

I would suggest an honest conversation to discuss these points.

You need to remind your dh that you did not agree to sacrifice your career to facilitate his.
You both need to come up with a workable plan to facilitate your return to work. (Not necessarily retraining at this point, you may need to start small and build up).
If he is inflexible or refuses to discuss options with you, then i would be thinking of divorce.
Remind him how much more childcare he would have to provide if he had 50/50 custody.

Point still stands that they both had a child and both had to make decisions when circumstances changed.

OP didn't get to make the decision, she basically had to put up and shit up and was expected to take on the responsibility of the child herself when the dh wanted to further his career, at the expense of hers.

I would suggest an honest conversation to discuss these points
You both need to come up with a workable plan to facilitate your return to work. (Not necessarily retraining at this point, you may need to start small and build up).
If he is inflexible or refuses to discuss options with you, then i would be thinking of divorce.
This ^^
There HAS to be a discussion between them about where they are now, where they are heading, time frames, action plans and so on.

The OP deciding she has the money so there's no discussion to be had because she's done her two years with his kid etc is unreasonable.
If he turns round and won't have the discussion then he is unreasonable.

Either they:
Have a discussion and find a way that works
Realise they want totally different things and split
They don't deal with any issues but chug along in a marriage lacking in basic communication whilst he does his thing, OP does what she wants with the help from dad (when she decides) whilst doing everything at home safe in the comfort of the bills being paid but replaying the "I could have had all of this other stuff if I hadn't nobly sacrificed it for the family" bitterness.

The first two are the better outcomes.
I fear the third may be the most likely outcome.

Apart from who's right or wrong etc. I think what is clear is that it's not a good relationship if you can't discuss finances, work, childcare etc. and agree things together.

If I felt that DH and I couldn't discuss those things then I wouldn't stay with him. It's not a good partnership.

OP didn't get to make the decision, she basically had to put up and shit up and was expected to take on the responsibility of the child herself when the dh wanted to further his career, at the expense of hers.
She said herself there were issues with her own career surrounding maternity (separate from DH).
She didn't have to put up and shut up because she could have got another job. She has family support, family who are willing to be financially generous to support her.
She had the option to leave if she didn't want to feel backed into being at home

I'm not buying this passive "oh but I had no choice because his job is so much more important".

I agree apple

But given just thinking that partners should actually discuss big decisions between themselves has been deemed financially abusive, manipulative, controlling etc on this thread I think those of us who believe in communication in relationships may well be in the minority.

@xitt but you seem overly resigned to your sahm drudgery
He’s got big balls job you’re at home with no choices
So make some changes,buy childcare for when you’re both at work
Plenty people manage 2 adults working,1 in an erratic job,big time demands
Plenty Parents manage shift work,travel,demanding jobs.they just crack on
You need to get back to work for your sense of purpose,stimulus and achievement
You’re stuck in a rut of blaming him for your disappointment & dissatisfaction

Joint role is you both share childcare costs, proportionately to wages
You’re a highly educated,well trained woman looking to rejoin workforce. It may not be a linear rejoin it may be more of a circuitous route

You’re not the only woman with a partner who has a demanding job, his job is not an impediment to you working

His attitude and behaviour needs to change when you work, he will need to be more available. That’s an attitudinal shift he’ll need to take on,and on occasion alter his work pattern

Your DH sounds incredibly selfish OP. I’d tell him to sod off if I were you.

Yea he’s the selfish git that pays for everything,his salary,bonus are shared

@xitt how essential is his current role towards the family finances. Has he had to step up to increase his earnings to cover the lose of your wage? Sometimes things can look completely differently to the other person. You have said you are only just surviving now, could you honestly survive on his previous wage?

If you retrain where will the money come from to cover childcare while you study? Can your family budget cover it or will your DH have to increase hours again to make the budget stretch?

He is selfish because he thinks working ft means he doesn't have to do anything else. He's got a promotion, there's no indication he hates his work. Meanwhile the OP hates hers. She has a solution but all he's interested in is staking his claim on her gift. If her dad had given it to her for Christmas would he still consider it shared money?

I think the OP probably wanted to sah initially, when the baby was tiny, but she has since discovered that sah isn't for her. It's very easy when promotions come along, for that partner's job to take priority and the sahp gets stuck . They don't want to end up in a 'lesser' job that the wohp doesn't give equal weight to, while also getting lumbered with sorting out the childcare and doing the house work because their job doesn't pay as much and the family needs their income. And that's the perfect reasoning for a selfish partner to carry on being selfish - we live in a society that values with more than sah. What society often fails to acknowledge is that sah isn't a favour bestowed upon one person by another - a wohp often benefits greatly from the freedom having a sah partner can bring.

I'd be very surprised if the husband doesn't know how unhappy his wife is but I think he's taking an 'I'm alright Jack' position.