Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

How is she supposed to get a job and work if he doesn't do any childcare?

She needs to sit him down and discuss going back to work. He can't drop his hours at the moment because he's the sole earner whose entire income goes into the pot to support his family.

If OP wants to go back to work they need to sit down together and make it happen. Either she can get a job around his hours so there is no/minimal childcare costs, or they put DC into nursery or with a childminder and she works full-time - the same way millions of other parents do.

But at the moment his wage is the only income the family have, so they need to be careful.

Oh, now you mention the PhD OP I think I recognise you. You’ve posted before with obvious signs of PND and refused any advice. You really need to get treatment for your mental health. You’ve only been out of the workplace 2 years, previous publications would still be REF-able, it’s your depression telling you you’re unemployable. If you were in a fit state you could go and talk to previous supervisors about funding bids they’re working on. But you can’t do anything until you’re in a better place mentally.

Are you fully sticking to the treatment regime for your skin infections?

@Upsiedasie
So he can have his own car if it was purchased before the relationship and he never needs to share it, but if OP didn't have a car before she met him then she can never have her own car? Also, do people only share things once they have children? So OP never gets to have her own car now, because she has a child but the dh can kepp his as his own and share the one the df bought?

Please, try and think around this and think of all possible perspectives. @MoonbeamBonnet may have mailed it. You sound resentful, tearful and very fixed in your thinking. Find a good local private psychologist and use the money for that and the later some couples therapy

You’ve only been out of the workplace 2 years, previous publications would still be REF-able, it’s your depression telling you you’re unemployable. If you were in a fit state you could go and talk to previous supervisors about funding bids they’re working on. But you can’t do anything until you’re in a better place mentally.
Exactly this! You've only been out of work for 2 years - there must be a way for you to get back into your researching/academic role. You might have to take a less secure role to start with, but it won't be that hard to get back to what you used to do, surely?!

For God sake, sometimes people are depressed because of their actual situation in life, not because they have a mental illness, and no amount of psychologists will help them feel better about it. If the OP is in pain and is upset about the way she looks (which doesn't sound unreasonable in her situation) then how is a psychologist going to help? If she feels stuck at home and doesn't think she will be able to re enter the field she was in before, how will a psychologist be able to help with that?
Sometimes woman don't realise what a big impact having a child and being a sahm will have on their life. Perhaps the OP doesn't want to go back to doing what she did before, and wants to retrain so she can earn her own money. A lot of people on here seem to have a problem with a woman wanting to do that, and think she should go and get the first low paying job that comes along. How exactly will that help with her mental health, being stuck in a job she hates, that will just cover the childcare costs? Nowhere has the OP said that it is vital she gets a job because her dh is struggling to keep them afloat on his salary alone, just that she wants to earn her own money because if anything happens to the dh she's up shit creek. Which is what everyone here advocates all the time.

Drogosnextwife we have 1 car, can't justify the expense of a 2nd. It is always taken to work, that is essential, work would not happen without that however it is still a family car. It's the car that is used for shopping, the car that we use for holidays, the car that we use for days out. It very much is a benefit to me even though I am not able to access it during working hours.

There is so much missing from this that we can not comment on the husband at all. Everything is being filtered through the eyes of someone who is obviously not seeing things clearly. This has become a fixation take note about the comment over not caring if they lost the house, this operation is more important. That is not a comment someone in a good place would say, there are more issues at play here.

I would be fucking resentful if I was offered money for a surgery that would benifit my day to day life, and make me feel so much better about myself, and dh refused to let me have it done because he might want to buy something. Nothing in particular, just something. Also if I was offered money to retrain so it would mean I could get a better job, my dp would completely back that up. Infact he told me recently if I wanted to give up work and retrain I should, because I was having a really hard time in my current job. That's what a supportive dh does, not winge and bitch that it's not fair.

That money is not going to be spent on a luxury, it's to improve your quality of life. Your husband is a pig if he doesn't support you with that decision. If my DH needed surgery, you can bet your ass I'd support him, I wouldn't want him living in pain because I love him. Spend that money on a tummy tuck, you won't regret it.

@Drogosnextwife What? Noone’s advocating she goes for a low paid job. She wants to return to academia, which she’s only been out of for two years. It’s not unrealistic for her to do that, but she needs to be in a mentally healthy place to take the steps she needs to take.

No there was definitely a comment that said that. I'm not going to go back through 23 pages, but I read it somewhere. Infact I'm sure it was said more than once.

A lot of people on here seem to have a problem with a woman wanting to do that, and think she should go and get the first low paying job that comes along.
Nonsense.
What many of us are saying is that this is a decision to make as a couple and as a partnership that involves communication about where they are currently at with finances, the nature of training, time scales, childcare costs for the training time when the retrained isn't earning (a big factor if they are already struggling), entry pay in new job, progression in new job, how they'll shift balance of home duties and childcare around different working hours and so on.

Not, "I want to retrain but don't know what in, I don't want to get a lower paid job for now, my dad will pay for me to do what I want to do and it's my money from my dad so I get to decide what happens with it and you keep paying the bills whilst I decide".

Having been there, choosing to retrain is a big step and it affects everyone. It's also bloody hard at times (at least I found it hard doing placement and assignments and house stuff). It's much easier to do that if you've actually communicated with your partner, looked at the short term costs Vs long term gains and got a plan of action.

There's a very real danger that taking the view "but I had your baby and have sacrificed two years so now I can do what I want it be repaid" isn't going to solve some of the unhappiness the OP is feeling, and it's also not helping a dynamic in her marriage where she holds unequal views on finances, and where she is taking issues that should be discussed between the couple to her father and making plans that bypass her husband. Throwing money at a situation wont change those factors, which is why it's probably worth talking to someone who can help her more before digging her heels in over what she wants with her money.

Drogo Nowhere has the OP indicated that she hated her old role. If anything, she sounds like she loved it and just feels resigned to the fact that she can't go back. Depending on the type of retraining she wants to do (could take years and then she'd start at the bottom again), I would say she'd be better off spending that time getting back to her research/academic role.

Drogosnextwife
I said that short term if their finances are struggling then she might just have to get a job because that's what's required to rectify family finances, then she can think about retraining once she's actually figured out what she wants to do.

Sadly, sometimes adult responsibilities come first and that means if the family needs money then the family needs money, not but I don't want to do that and want to retrain in something unspecified whilst my spouse continues to struggle with the bills

Perhaps she doesn't want to go back to what she was doing before. There could be many reasons. The first time I fell pregnant I was training, I finished my course but couldn't go back to what I was training for because what I was doing would have been to difficult to fit around someone else's shifts, never mind being a single mother. I wouldn't have been able to find childcare to fit my requirements as I would possibly have been travelling for weeks at a time and I wasn't prepared to leave my child, so I had to think of something else to do.

LolaSmiles

Where did OP say they were struggling financially?

@Drogosnextwife you might want to read the thread. She has said it several times.

Further up the thread it was mentioned about DH mentionign going back to work. I can't remember where. It's a long thread. Other posters have also picked up on it.

Point being that right now the OP is perceiving themselves as a big victim of life when actually two people made the decision to have a baby, two people made a decision on the working/childcare arrangements and two people ultimately need to discuss what will work moving forward.
Even the OP hasnt said he DH has ruled out anything. He just wants to discuss it, but it's her money so not up for discussion.

The two people IN THE MARRIAGE need to be the ones making decisions, having discussions, looking at how to make things work. Not one person running to their parents, making plans and expecting their spouse to accept whatever plan has been decided without their input.

If my DH came to me and informed me he would be doing A B C and it's not up fro discussion because he's decided with his parents then I'd be seriously considering the end of the marriage. (And I know at least 2 couples who have got divorced due to one partner running to parents all the time, making plans via parents and expecting the spouse to suck it up. Neither were healthy marriages for some time before the split).
I entered marriage as a partnership with give and take on both sides.
Theres no give and take in the OPs situation because it's all decided between her and her dad.

We don’t have luxuries and holidays. But I’m not prepared to continue suffering every day. I don’t care if we end up living in a cardboard box because the mortgage isn’t paid off. Sorry but my pain comes first for me - if that’s selfish then so be it.

^^

@Tilltheendoftheline

I did and all I saw the OP say was that they couldn't afford to pay for surgery, and they didn't go on holidays. Lots of people can't do those things, it doesn't mean they are struggling in their day to day life.

The OP says and work she would be able to get would be zero hours contracts and she wants something reliable, and constant. That imo is a sensible idea.

Well found minty
I honestly couldnt be bothered to go back and find things that have already been said because there's an intention of insisting it's unreasonable to the point of abusive for two married adults sit down and discuss their finances and ongoing plans together.

Sounds like your dh is jealous, which I do understand, especially if he's not ever been gifted things such as cars etc.

But, your dh obviously knows how unhappy you are and I'd have expected him to be 'happy' that your df has gifted you the money for the two situations.

Maybe you could have a conversation with your Dad and explain the situation, and that your dad pays for the procedure and retraining directly and that he won't give you the actual amount. You can then go to your dh and explain this. Then ask him if he thinks you should accept the offer or just leave it and your dad keeps his money, and you don't get your tummy tuck or retraining. This will tell you a lot about wether your dh wants what's best for you or is just interested in what you bring to the table financially.

With regards to retraining - the OP might simply not want to go back to her old career, in which case she needs to sit down with her husband and discuss options. Both myself and my husband have retrained since we got together - we came up with a plan together and made it work. But, that isn't how this situation sounds to me at all. The OP has no idea what she wants to retrain as and sounds as though she enjoyed her old role. I'm not a fan of zero-hours contracts at all - but they can sometimes be a useful way of getting back to a field of work as it can be a way of getting a foot back in the door. I obviously don't know what the opportunities are like in the OP's particular field, but I don't think she should write off returning as a complete impossibility.

@Drogosnextwife then you havenr read the thread properly.

Not just holidays. No luxuries, nothing extra at all, living day to day etc theres loads.

The zero hour contract ahe talks about is potentially very well paid and its possible she would be able to go back to it, improve family finances including childcare and look at her options. And it's not actually true that she would have to back on zeros hours. She actually has a lot of options.

Besides which she also said hee husband was stressed by the state of the finances. OP has no cause what she will retrain as.

So she will have the op and recover (though how thats going to work when her husband has to go to work and a couple of weeks of annual leave will leave them in the shit remains to be seen)

Then she clearly also needs eime psychological help because between this and her other posts this is more than just her stomach that's bothering her. The retraining, then finding a job and starting to build her career.

So hee husband just just carry the strain for years, while she gets to picnic and choose what she does?

Then her wage, wilm probably be her money, nor will she use inheritance to make her life easier.

Perosnally if I was given a lump sum, I would use some of it to do what I really wanted to do. But if my partner was struggling with how things are, I would definitely be using money to try and reduce his pressures as well.

But then I woildnt resent uai g my inheritance to make family finances better either.

thehounds
Don't go suggesting common sense like two spouses actually talking to each other about finances and large decisions that affect the household, and certainly don't suggest from first hand experience that this is a valuable and sensible way to explore retraining.

Haven't you heard that on MN that's tantamount to financial abuse?!
A husband must always out everything in the family pot
A wife must always be able to do what she wants and he has to accept it.

Keep up.