Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

If your DH has been 'highly promoted' are you struggling for money? It's one thing to make a decision to prioritize a high earner for the good of the family, but it needs to be financially worth it and both parties need to be on board with it.

We both work, but DH's job has the priority as it pays better and has better prospects. I do 3 days and majority (but not all) of the nursery/school dealings. It is possible to get a job to work around childcare with a flexible employer, but you need to want it, and might have to wait until the 3 year funding kicks in.

You both need to have a good talk and a long term plan about what is best for everyone in the family, not just what suits your DH.

I wonder if the OP had a ft well paid job, would the DH be willing to give up his work and wait for 3 year funding to kic in etc before he could do something he found mentally stimulating. I suspect he wouldn't.

OP did say she was unhappy in her work.

She said it was difficult due to her maternity and wont look at/cant go back to it.

I am not sure I 100% swallow the 'his life hasnt changed'.

Because the ops attitude towards money shows that she hasnt actually changed that much going from being in a relationship to married.

She is very much all about her. Not even very much about her child. I suspect pp has deeper issues and doesnt want address them.

Like her dad, she believes throwing money at this will solve it.

I have to say the ops last post is more enlightening and I can see why that's contributing to her low mental state.

There does seem to be a fundamental issue with communication and seeing each other's view points. Please get couple counseling. It maybe that at the end of the day you aren't actually compatible but a trained councillor may be able to help.

Who knows because they aren't in that situation so it's not even a valid point.

We could easily start saying:
I wonder if the OP Would be in this situation if they had insisted on maintaining a career or a similar line of work instead of drifitng into being a SAHP (apparently against her will but also coinciding with job issues)
I wonder what would have happened if the OP had chosen to be part time in a related field for 2 years instead of fully at home
I wonder what would have happened if DH hadn't got the promotion, where would all the money for the bills be coming from
I wonder what would have happened if when the first car was generously gifted it was simply viewed as another family car instead of "but it's mine"
I wonder what would have happened if there had been an actual discussion about OP wanting to retrain between the couple prior to going crying to dad and getting money for her mental health

Who knows what could / couldn't come about with a bit of discussion between two adults instead of drifitng by circumstances, not communicating and being committed to the role of chief victim.

Bottom line is they aren't communicating and that's important in a marriage and the OP despite seeking unhappy is still content to take the approach of "I'll do what I like and retrain in what I like with my dad's money, but even then it'll all be on me to sort everything and childcare etc" (zero discussion about childcare costs whilst retraining which will have to be found somewhere). If the future is looks that bloody miserable even after doing whatever retraining you want without discussing it with your husband, surely you either have to conclude that the marriage is over or you're accepting the role of lifelong martyr who is a massive victim of circumstance and has nobly given everything up (in which case enjoy the bitterness and resentment).

@LolaSmiles I think you have it pretty spot on.

Mn mantra is.if a woman is working parent paying everything with sahd
He is cock lodger who must get a job. She is a selfless goddess who must financially protect herself

Mn msntra,If a woman is sahp and her dp is sole earner he must share all monies,or he’s an abuser

Op here is highly educated,skilled been out of employment for @ 2 year.it may be a circuitous route back into employment. Retraining will cost and child care will be require,that’ll incur a cost. Op needs to look at her options
Re-enter in previous field, this may be circuitous and be at different pay grade or job

Sideways move into related field, can she advise or undertake consultancy in her area?

Salaried related employment

Salaried unrelated employment

Retrain, are career development loans available?

@Xitt do go see your GP for a check up physical and mental health. Crying all the time is never a good sign

It's a sad situation Tilltheendoftheline, but ongoing lack of communication and sitting back passively deciding everything is terrible and will remain terrible even after throwing money at unilateral decisions made with dad and not husband isnt going to improve things for the OP.

When I retrained it was bloody hard. Its not something I'd have done easily without support from DH.

Equally, I know two couples who've divorced in the last few years due to spouses running to parents and taking marital issues out of the marriage to wider family, poor communication etc. They weren't happy or healthy long before the split. I see parallels there with the OP Going to her dad to vent about DH and her career choices, now it's all bit dad supports me and DH doesn't. Actually DH has just said it should be a discussion. The thing with running to families is they will tell you want you want, but they don't switch off all the negativity offloaded onto them so they gradually end up with a negative view of the spouse caused by their own DS/DD's running to them. That causes issues in the marriage because the spouse feels like they're being ambushed. The person going to family feels emboldened because family have told them they should do what they want etc. I've never seen it end well as a dynamic. It's not healthy.

It's why the way forward has to involve some meaningful discussion between them instead of stupid cheerleading encouraging lack of communication and "suck it up".

I might not want to sell my childhood home. I certainly won’t provide DH with cash to fritter away on luxuries. If I get DF’s house it’s for DC. Not for DH to spend. You could argue that DH is getting half because it’s going to his DC.

We don’t have luxuries and holidays. But I’m not prepared to continue suffering every day. I don’t care if we end up living in a cardboard box because the mortgage isn’t paid off. Sorry but my pain comes first for me - if that’s selfish then so be it.

These two comments from OP really shocked me.

I still think that if the gift from the father was intended to go to surgery and retraining then it should. Although details thereafter suggested actually he wanted to ease the load and OP has decided what on.

But I also think it is outrageous for a partner who is pouring all his salary AND his bonuses into the family pot and is expected to do so forever and who is not allowed to have any holidays or luxuries ever to be told that actually the OP cares more about her pain than the children having a permanent roof over their heads.

And that even more disgusting, a windfall inheritance would be automatically siphoned away so he was the only one who didn't benefit.

Frankly, no wonder he is upset about this gift. You are treating him like a cash cow whose only job is to fund you forever while you refuse to treat him like a partner or discuss anything.

Even worse. You have said upthread that you don't care about the recovery time for the surgery and haven't talked about how it might impact him.

And you don't even know what you want to retrain to - let alone have you talked it through with him. Or even discussed what might be the best way to use the money as a family.

You sound extremely bitter and I don't get the sense that you like him, let alone love him. In fact I increasingly get the sense that you blame him for your injuries and hate him for not having suffered physically for the birth of a child (that presumably you both wanted).

Frankly I think the marriage is over and you would both be better off getting a divorce.

He would have to give you half of everything he currently has but the remaining funds he could decide how they are spent and could choose the odd luxury for himself. And make sure he has security and isn't killing himself on the mortgage.
Also. After the break he wouldn't have to use his salary to fund you anymore - just his children.
Plus he might get the chance to meet someone who respects and cares for him and wants a real partnership where things are discussed and decided together.

Equally - you'd have some money to get started and you wouldn't have to share your gifts, money, inheritances or good fortune.
You could make all the decisions for you and as selfishly as you wanted.
Which is essentially what you're doing now anyway.

I think OP is stating that the gifts from her father and any future inheritance are hers, because nothing else feels like it belongs to her. Her life has changed beyond recognition.

@LolaSmiles I agree. I think they have both probably got a side and communication is poor they have both decided their view is the hill to, die as it were. OP definitely comes across with a victim mentality as though she had no free will in anything that has led to the situation. I mean surely, if the dad can afford to throw a lot if money at the OP, he could have help her and her husband with child care costs? So OP could maintain this career that she did really want.

I do suspect that the father isnt actually doing this completely altruistically. He knew money was tight, so bought her a car, which has running cost and made money tighter? Wasnt that overall helpful to the family in general. Yes helpful to OP in some ways. Could claim helpful to the grandchild, though I live rural and getting buses in winter didnt traumitise mine children.

But looking at family on a whole? Buy something that will cost them money, not sure the father is actually thinking about the situation. Rather just throws money to try and cheer his daughter up.

Quite frankly when me and exh was in a tight budget I would have been oibid if mil bought dh a gift that hindered, not helped finances.

I think OP is stating that the gifts from her father and any future inheritance are hers, because nothing else feels like it belongs to her. Her life has changed beyond recognition.

Of course it is hers. Her choices are part of this.

Plus there been no clue that up until she had a child she felt inheritance was shared.

@Xitt do you have access to any of the money your husband brings in? It sounds like financial abuse because he’s trying to control everything. If you do have access, can you stretch to get a childminder for a couple days a week?

@JingsMahBucket op clearly says all his wages and bonus are joint. In a joint account. There has been no suggestion he controls her money.

Infact it's the op that wants to control her money and keep it so his money is joint and her money is hers. She has repeated this.

There are no money for any luxuries or extras. They live day to day.

All the husband wants is to discuss it.

Which could be, because that he is quite aware that OP is obviously very depressed and refuses to address it. The tummy tuck wi not fix her mental health.

@Xitt also with your upcoming surgery do you have family and friends who can help you watch your child?

Actually, what would happen if you had the surgery and decided to go to your father’s house to recuperate while leave your child at home with your husband? I mean don’t ask permission, just tell him. Make him take responsibility for the care of his child. Would he leave her at home alone during the day for12 hours or would he likely find money somewhere for a childminder or ask his parents or friends? He’d likely step up finally if given no choice. Then he has the duty of explaining to people why his wife finally made him take care of his child. GASP.

@Tennesseewhiskey she says they’re joint but I mean does actually have money allocated for her to spend? Just because the money is there doesn’t mean she’s “allowed” to spend it.

Plus a designer handbag or holiday dsnt last forever, will help your life for only a short time, handbag won't help at all

@JingsMahBucket she has said that he expenses do come of his loney. She talked about the car and said 'of course that comes from his wage, but as a sahm I am entitled to use and the see money as joint'

I am pretty sure given most of the thread is about her deciding that the car, future I inheritance and this money is all hers she would have mentioned that she is t allow access to his and how unfair that is.

She said his bonus is shared.

Many posters have asked how it's fair that his money is joint and her money is her own. She hasnt corrected them and said 'but I cant access his money'

Since she has basically fascinated his character and how he is. Do you not think she would have said 'he has money but I cant use it'

AND they dont have spare money. It all goes on living costs. There isnt spare money for either of them to really access outside living costs.

jings
Of course it depends what the money is there for and how much float there is, which guessing by the fact they can't afford treats and luxuries means not much.
Not being "allowed" to spend the money that covers the household bills and food on whatever you like is totally reasonable, same for "we can afford X amount a week on basics and food" is also reasonable Vs not being able to buy the basics, having no access to money etc would be unreasonable.

Of course you can spin it however you like depending on what you want people on MN to say.
Hypothetical example:
we have a joint account but DH said I couldn't even out petrol in the car last week so I had to walk in the cold with DC all week Vs we are financially tight, didn't have the money after bills so I had to walk to baby group that's 10mins away and I had to get the bus to town.
Both could be describing the same situation but to gain different responses on here.

There's an undertone here that even though one person is covering all the bills and the OP Has said they can't afford luxuries and extras and she'd put her surgery a higher priority above the bills, that the DH is still some sort of financially abusive prick.

If he's got a car of his own, why does he feel the need to claim a share of her one too? And it is hers, since it was a gift from her father - presumably if dad wanted to buy a car for his son in law he'd have done so. And of course she has a right to use dh's wages to pay for petrol etc - if she was working full time she would have her own money but since she is sah and since that arrangement is one that her h would like to continue, then of course his money is hers too.
If the dh's parents bought him a car or have him money with the intention of it bring used for his benefit, she would have no right to object.

I find it depressing, as a parent, that I couldn't buy presents for my adult children without their spouses feeling entitled to them.

@Aderyn19 by all accounts he see his cat as the family car too. But she says they live rurally so he needs it in his working days. Maybe op should have just taken use of the car and he could have just not worked.

You do realise that if they are married and if you buy your adult child a car, it could be included in a divorce if that were to happen?

That's what the financial side of marriage is.

@Aderyn19 maybe you dint understand marriage and the legal side.

If you buy your adult child a car and they are married, that car could be included in the financial breakdown for a divorce.

By all accounts he does see his car as the family car. But he works and they live rurally. Would that have been a better solution. To share the existing car and him work part time?

No one is saying he shoildnt pay for her petrol just that there no proof he doeant let her access money.

Sorry posted the same thing g basically twice. It didnt look like it posted and disappeared I wrote it again

It doesn't really matter if he calls his car the family car - if she can't use it because he has it, then it's not really hers.
I'm not sure that in marriage all property is considered to be a marital asset - it has the potential to be, but I think each situation is taken into account.

I actually this @OnceUponAThread has hit the nail on the head.

It doesn’t really matter what we all think though. @Xitt - you can an see that opinion on your question is quite split. What do you think you should do to resolve this issue with your DH? Have you ever talked to him about how you feel about being a SAHM or would you be able to? Do you think that’s you’ll be able to reach a resolution together? Are you happy in your marriage still?

There are lots more questions that you should think about, but if the answer to the above questions is no then maybe you should consider your future and what is going to make you happy in the going forwards (are the surgery and possible retraining going to be a fix-all?). You certainly don’t seem happy at the moment.