Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP, how about having the operation and using some of the remaining money to pay for childcare while you recover. Then look for a full time teaching post - it's decent money and you are already qualified. If you can't get permanent, do part time or temp contract and use your dad's money to supplement childcare costs until you get full time.

I think there is disdain because for the DH, nothing in his life has altered. He still has a career, his body is fine, he has a child but does no childcare - he basically lives as he always did, comes and goes as he pleases
For the OP everything is different. She is in pain, her career has gone (and so much of our identity is caught up in our work) and she feels the opportunity to get it back is slipping away.
Then her dad comes along and offers a lifeline to restore her body and her career and her DH seems to think he ought to have an opinion on whether she gets to take that lifeline.
They have had a baby, but she is doing all the looking after of it!
A lot of women think they want to be a sahm but not everyone is cut out for it.

If you worked ft, would DH want to give up work and be a says for a few years? Would he adjust his work time to do 50% of childcare?
So far it seems he works but does nothing else. That's not fair and if I was in her shoes I'd want changes too.

The dh previously shared financial responsibilities with salaried wife
She gave up work,he now bears all financial responsibilities.massive change
His salary his bonus,shared. Her money,well that’s hers. How’s that stack up?

OP it actually really sounds like youa re struggling with motherhood.

You misrepresented your job, I dont think to lie. But because you are in such a negative place you see everything negatively.

You seem really resentful of choices you and your dh made when you had the child. You could have remained in work.

I think your issue is more depression. The operation will help, with the pain. Ita nor going to make you happy with everything else. Neither is retraining, if you deal with how you actually feel about your life.

OP: having seen your update of 22.02, I think there are more options than I previously did. I can see that with no recent research might mean no possibility of another post doc or lectureship, but you mention that teaching would be an option. That might not be a reliable full career in the longer term because it would be a zero hours contract, but surely it would pay more than you would have to pay out in childcare? It would get you back doing something relevant and perhaps you/your father could invest in some extra childcare to give you time for research, so that you could look for a lectureship in a year or so's time?

You don't say what your PhD is in but you must have transferable skills and a lot to offer, so another option would be to look for a job in industry, the financial sector, the civil service, local government which could offer a good career with training provided. Obviously retraining is still an option, but it could be a waste of time and money if you don't really know what you want to do.

They have had a baby, but she is doing all the looking after of it!

Someone has to pay the mortgage, bills and food . No one forces someone to be a SAHP (abuse excepted).

Approach some unis. I'm in a different country but we have a push to support academics through child years. It's been acknowledged that women's research careers stall when they have kids and the uni I'm at has programs designed to assist women through this so they don't fall out of academia.

She is doing all the looking after. Yes,he’s borne all the financial responsibilities
Op could get a job,share the financials,so she won’t be the sole carer

Your DF is offering to pay for surgery and retraining specifically. If you don't get the surgery etc is your DF stilling giving you the money? X

Having a parent at home doesn't mean the wohp gets to do nothing in terms of looking after their child. How is she supposed to get a job and work if he doesn't do any childcare?

21:32RedskyLastNight

I have read the thread thanks.

Also I must have missed the post where the OP said her dh was struggling and they needed her to go back to work for the money, she just said they don't have money to pay for a tummy tuck, which most people don't.

Also when a man and wife decide that the wife will give up her job to be a sahm, then his money does become hers. This is a GIFT from OPs father to the OP. (doesn't actually sound like the decision for op to give up her job was mutual though)

As a pp said, if the dh car is the family car aswell, why has OP been standing at a bus stop for the last 20 years? Where was her share of the car then?

Having a parent at home doesn't mean the wohp gets to do nothing in terms of looking after their child. How is she supposed to get a job and work if he doesn't do any childcare?

You sit down and say this isn't working, I'm going to get a job, let's discuss how we'll handle childcare as a team.

She gets a job and someone else looks after the child whilst she works
That’s how it operates.get a cm or nursery.they watch child whilst you’re working
At moment dh can’t negotiate any reduction or altered hours as he’s the sole wage earner
However, 2 wages changes the dynamics and prospects of the family

RedskyLastNight

Oh and the OP has obviously discussed these things with her df, and that's why he is offering the money. He may have said to spend it on what will make the OP happy, but from the sounds of things he is aware of how unhappy she is because of these things, so if offering money to fix the then without dictating that she must follow through with those exact decisions.

So he doesn't want you to have the operation and feel better, and isn't interested in your plans to retrain. That's what he wants 'say' over. What does he plan to do with the money.. Something he deems more important than your physical and emotional wellbeing, and your future prospects, obviously. Greedy, spiteful and entitled. Coveting your dad's money. In your shoes this'd render him totally unfanciable, for me. Really poor behaviour and attitude.

Have you actually read the thread?based on op responses is that your opinion..really..

Yes

The husband must know she is unhappy. What is he doing to help her? He's working ft but he's doing nothing else. It's as much his responsibility as hers to fix this. She has found a possible solution but he's carping because he doesn't get to say how her dad's money should be spent.

@OP have you seen a GP about your low mood?

Lots of women have loose skin after having children. Crying all the time is extreme, and just from your updates it seems like you're unhappy in general. Have you been screened for depression or anxiety following your child's birth?

I just wonder if you're fixating on the surgery as a solution to how you're feeling when the real problem is something else.

You wouldn't want to go through all the expense and pain of surgery only to wake up feeling just the same as you do now

@Aderyn19 how do you know he ahsnt done anything. He may have tried to get her to go to the doctors about how she feels. Or maybe they are both stressed and miserable to fuck.

What is she doing to help herself other than, 'I want this! This way. So this is how it's going to be!'?

At the start of this thread I was 100% on the OP's side but the more she's updated it just seems more nuanced than that.

If my DH had had low mood, trouble re entering the workforce, seemed unhappy in general about having had a child- I would definitely want to have a conversation before he jumped into having expensive and painful cosmetic surgery as a solution to all his problems.

I would want him to look at less invasive and dangerous ways to feel better first. I'd want to determine that what he's hoping to achieve is realistic.

OP and DH don't seem to trust each other, all this 'mine' and 'yours' language isn't typical.

@Fifthtimelucky I agree, having read the full thread I wonder if the money might not be better spent on childcare so that OP can start to get some freedom and some of her old life back.

@Drogosnextwife

As a pp said, if the dh car is the family car aswell, why has OP been standing at a bus stop for the last 20 years? Where was her share of the car then?

OP said she and DH have only been together for 5 years. The child is 2, so for the first 3 years of the relationship the OP worked and would have been able to buy a car with her own money? OP doesn’t say his car was bought in the relationship. What if he came to the relationship with a car and she didn’t? I don’t think the onus is on the DH to provide OP with a car in the early years of a relationship pre kids.

I agree that a trip to the doctors re depression and having some marriage counseling so that they can learn to communicate, would be a good idea.
There does seem to be a lack of communication and lots of resentment and the root causes of this needs to be explored.