Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

He works whatever hours his career requires and I don’t even know what time he’ll be coming home. There’s zero chance of him even agreeing to ask for flexible working, much less getting it. I’ll be 100% responsible for fitting my future job around childcare while he just focuses on his career and leaves me to it

So he basically has no respect or consideration for you.
Everything revolves around putting HIM first....and you can't have anything either for yourself or of your own.

He's deciding the parameters of his contribution to the family pot when it comes to 'sharing'.
So don't feel guilty for standing your ground.

I'd get both the surgery and retraining done asap.
Get a job and then leave this prick.
No point being effectively a lone parent, skivvying around after him AND sacrificing your own future.
He wants to be 'top dog' all round doesn't he?

If Op's DH's car is also a 'family car' why has she been standing at bus stops for 20 years ?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I have read the whole thread

He works whatever hours his career requires and I don’t even know what time he’ll be coming home

It sounds as though he has a high pressure job which he needs to work really hard in, in order to provide for the family, yet still you're living week to week. It must be pretty stressful.

So many accusing the DH of being controlling. What if for instance, her DF has made his disdain of DH clear from the start and encouraged his little girl to bypass the sap (in his eyes) she married and run straight to him, DF, with her problems? Perhaps DF isn’t being purely altruistic but enjoys the power his gifts to OP give him and maybe he enjoys playing the alpha male and undermining her DH. Just a thought.

It might be that the job she gave up isn't going to work around looking after a child, so that's why she can only do min wage stuff now.
She needs to get a better job that she makes money from after childcare. I think it's her right to become financially independent if that's her wish - having a child shouldn't impact her life chances more than it does her husband's. But if he can't or won't look after the child, she is stuck. And she's resentful. She has an opportunity to get out of the relentless, dead end grind and her DH should support that. In the end he will benefit too.

Haven’t RTFT. Get your father to give the money to you as an early birthday present. I presume your DH wouldn’t insist you share birthday money.

He's deciding the parameters of his contribution to the family pot when it comes to 'sharing'.

Really? From the sounds of things he has nothing to himself?

No your df is offering it to you for a specific use. DP has no say in what the monry is spent on. Your gift is surgery and retraining, not money.

Drogosnextwife If you read the thread you will discover that the gift is money. OP has just unilaterally decided that she'd like to spend it on surgery and retraining.

@IndieTara

In that case, I apologise - but your comments therefore surprise me even more.

I actually don’t think your DH is being unfair! If it were the other way round and his mother gifted him £30,000 for a new car, how would you feel?

If Op's DH's car is also a 'family car' why has she been standing at bus stops for 20 years?
Because I’ve only known him for 5 of those 20 years. And because he took his car to work all day so I had to get the bus.

What good career did you reluctantly give up, that would now only pay minimum wage on a zero hour contract?
I had a research job. My goal was to become a lecturer and eventually a professor. But my post doc ended during my pregnancy and nobody would hire me for another post doc or a lectureship when I was obviously heavily pregnant and due to vanish off on maternity leave. So I taught on a casual basis for a few months until I gave birth. Now I don’t have any recent publications due to being at home with my baby, so I have absolutely no chance of getting another post doc never mind a lectureship. I could probably get some teaching work but that’s a zero hour contract, hourly paid, and it isn’t a reliable full time career. And I need a reliable career because I need to support my child. Currently if DH gets run over we’re screwed.

Fuck mumsnet seriously what’s going on? If my DH got money from his family for a course or even cosmetic surgery, never mind surgery to resolve a health issue, I wouldn’t have a problem. We need a bigger house so it would be nice to have cash for that but I’d rather my DH was comfortable and doing things to make him feel better. Plus retraining is an investment. DH would feel the same. I was a sahm - no money from my family but I saved a lot being at home and retrained. In a couple of years I should be matching DH’s salary, over double my previous job.

Xitt an overhang is not a birth injury
Well it wasn’t there before I had a baby and it’s painful every day.

Have you properly looked into the significant risks and long recovery period associated with a tummy tuck?
I don’t care. It can’t be worse than living with this sore flap of flesh on my front.

Why, yes, it can. Colin Hendry's wife, Denise, died from a tummy tuck that initially went well. It's an extremely serious operation with a lengthy recovery during which you will probably not be able to look after a toddler and you certainly will not be able to drive even as soon as after a CS. I've got 3 close mates who had them after losing large amounts of weight and all of them made it clear how big an op it was. Reputable surgeons will also ensure you have tried absolutely everything to avoid such a procedure.

You seem to avoid owning all the life choices you have made that have resulted in your current position and completely closed off to any other alternative or option other than exactly what you want: a tummy tuck (to which you have not considered the recovery including who will handle childcare and personal care) and retraining only or nothing. It's your way or the highway.

Shasta
I agree. Retraining CAN be an investment.
It's not guaranteed as an investment. Generally with an investment it's in an area someone knows they want to work in, they've got requires research and experience to make an informed decision and (and this is the big one) it's a decision made by both parties in a relationship, especially when it impacts on the household finances.

That's the point here.
Almost nobody has said the surgery should be a blanket no. Most have said it's probably worth accepting the offer from her dad.
Most people have understood that there may be benefit in retraining at some point.

Accepting there may be some benefit to retraining at some point doesn't mean ignoring DH's concerns about finances because I don't want to work minimum wage jobs and I want to retrain so I've spoke ln to my dad, cried, he's going to give me the money to do what I want and retrain (but I don't know what in yet or the time frame or the impact on the family unit and already tight fiance's when I choose to do it) and DH can't say anything because I had a baby. If anyone else challenges this then I'll try and play multiple emotive guilt cards to get the response I want.

What many people are pointing out is that it's the unilateral "but I want" and overall attitude that is selfish and unreasonable.

Haven’t read the whole thread (I know but it’s massive) but assuming no drip feeding your husband can fuck off. I definitely see potential controversy treating gifted money as his or hers but it seems it’s been gifted for a specific purpose. It would be taking the piss out of the dad if they spent it on something else

Mn mantra is money is shared family money when woman is beneficiary
When a man is the beneficiary of money, woah hang on he’s a dick it not shared money

caucho
You say assuming no drip feed.

There's a fairly substantial series of replies that it may be worth reading.

That's why there's lots of people saying "on first impression that's our of order hit actually..." Or "you're reasonable enough on this area, bit actually there's a lot of other issues here".

To sum up the additional information:
What's DH's is family money
DH's bonuses are family money
What is OP's is hers
Whatever OP gets from her dad is also hers and there shall be no discussion on this.

They're not comfortable at the moment and DH has said it would be worth discussing OP going back to work
She doesn't want the sort of jobs she could get now
OP is clearly upset with the current situation and has been to her dad multiple times for money. He has given a chunk of money to help her mental health
She wants to retrain and use this money there (so not resolving the current household finances situation)
She doesn't know what she wants to retrain in or how long it will be, but he has to suck it up

She's anticipating inheriting from her dad but that's also going to be hers and she wants to make sure DH doesn't get to see any of it.

None of this is up for question or discussions ith DH because she carried a baby and he didn't.

Sounds like you don't even like your husband never mind love him and he sounds utterly frustrated with your attitude.

If you chose to have a baby together then it was a joint decision so why not wait till you actually were a lecturer. ....you both lost your career with that decision.

The tummy tuck sounds ok and I suspect your husband would have been ok about it if you weren't so mealy mouthed about your car and your inheritance while he puts every penny into a pot to support you all while you seem seething with resentment about losing a career and caring for 'his' child. It's all so unhealthy that actually marriage counselling might be the best thing to spend it on - especially over some mythical retraining into something you haven't even identified. Why not pick your career in academia up instead and use the money to fund childcare for 'your' child?

So your “shitty minimum wage job” was actually a position in academia, and you could have found another one if you weren’t so busy thinking the world owed you something because you had a baby.

Do some research into birth injuries, what you have isn’t one. I don’t doubt it’s painful but it’s not a birth injury and calling it one just loses you even more credibility. Lots of women put on a lot of weight during pregnancy and lose it after, (I put on and lost well over 4 st) but manage not to despise our babies and our husbands for it.

You’re so determined to get back everything you’ve sacrificed; when does your husband get to do the same?!

The DH salary is shared,dh bonus is shared. He is sole wage earner,all shared
Op has no problem with shared monies when she’s beneficiary
Her financial gift from her dad that’s solely hers. No sharing when her dh is beneficiary

@xitt you’re clearly a clever woman capable of reestablishing a good career. It will take time as you’ve not been working. I wish you well getting career back on track

I agree, Condescending, a lot of resentment towards the H about choices you made together to bring a child into the world and then be a SAHM.

Gosh, the more I read the more I feel sorry for the husband.

He was wrong on the initial issue (from the info given) but the Op definitely doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to be in a partnership with! So much disdain!