Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Xitt an overhang is not a birth injury, it's a side effect of putting on weight during pregnancy, possibly exacerbated by having a caesarean.

Have you properly looked into the significant risks and long recovery period associated with a tummy tuck? It's cosmetic surgery not repairing a birth injury, and it's risky and has a long recovery period during which you will not be able to care for a 2 year old on your own.

You sound so bitter OP, like you hate your husband and hate the fact that you've borne a child. I echo others who've said you probably need counseling more than a tummy tuck right now. I hope it all works out for you.

A gift is not family money
It would be like halving Birthday money
Weird and not normal
Your DH doesn't sound very supportive

OP: I'm really impressed that you have lost 4 stone, but surely that 4 stone you lost wasn't all put on during pregnancy, even if your child was large. 4 stone would be more than the recommended weight gain for someone having twins. It does seem that you want to blame everything that is wrong with your life on your pregnancy/motherhood.

I have read pretty much all the way through the thread, though it's possible that I have missed something, but I haven't seen you say anything positive or happy about your child. You refer to him as 'his child' rather than 'my child or 'our child'.

You refer to 'crying all the time', to low self-esteem, and even suicide. As others have said, surgery is not an easy option, and may not cure all your problems. I think the best use of your father's money would be on some sort of therapy or counselling. Surgery or retraining might follow after, of course.

I believe "his money is hers and her money is hers" is the MN stance.

Birth injuries are things like third and fourth degree tears resulting in incontinence, recto vaginal fistulas, uterine prolapses, uterine rupture, hemorage...

Yes, it’s a luxury to have painful surgery to correct birth injuries. I don’t want surgery but unfortunately I need it.
I'm actually bored of "but the surgery is for birth" coming back. Almost everyone (me included) has said the surgery is probably a good thing for your DF to pay for and it would be best for him to pay the costs directly on this.
There's no need to keep coming back on the guilt tripping angle because your wider attitudes to money have been challenged.
And I didn’t want to give up my career but I had to
You BOTH chose a set up for your child that involved you staying at home. Many women choose to keep their careers. We've really got to stop this idea that women are passive and have no choice in their own life choices.
so now I need a new one.
If the family money situation says that money for the family pot is more important right now then you need a job.
It’s not a “want” to be pain free and able to support yourself.
It is a want to decide you want to retrain, unilaterally decide you're going to because your DF will sub it, and your husband should put up and shut up.

When I decided to retrain, it was a decision between me and DP (now DH) because it affected our household. I knew what I wanted to do, had located course, had researched the hours, the pay, the progression opportunities and we discuss the overall impact. We did that because we are a PARTNERSHIP.

What I didn't do is say "I want a change and I don't know what yet but I don't really care about the impact because I'm claiming back what I sacrificed and nobody has a say but me"

Yet again it's all emotional guilt tripping here to avoid the central issue of your overall attitude.
They’ll be decided for me by the childcare needs of DC for which I am 100% responsible.
No, you are BOTH responsible for the childcare needs of your children.

Your husband is a knob. I'd be thinking of divorce and having HALF his savings, HALF his pension, etc so that I no longer had to worry about what he felt I should spend money on.

Get your kind DF to pay the surgery bill - and then the tummy tuck is a gift. There was no cash gifted to you, and you won't be sharing.

It is possible to put on 4 stone during pregnancy, even if not recommended.
I did that, if not more (I stopped weighing myself). I've never seen anyone put on as much weight in a short space of time as I did. I'm not actually sure how I did it. I was already overweight. Nearly lost all the pregnancy weight now and I don't have the overhang tummy people talk about. I do have a belly of course. Maybe I will have the overhang when I get to a healthy BMI. But I didn't have a CS. I think it might be more to do with the CS than weight?

Mind you post natal depression or PTSD could be considered birth injuries in a wider sense.

Yes, I am sorry for being harsh, reading the last few comments perhaps this is actually a mental health crisis and the concentration on the tummy tuck is deflection.

Have you seen your GP about how you feel about your life and child and the last 2-3 years, rather than about your loose skin/ overhang Xitt ? You do seem very angry about having had a child and very unhappy.

I apologise for judging, I suspect now that this isn't actually about money or your husband at all and only tangentially about your abdomen.

However it is worth remembering that both having a tummy tuck and retraining will involve paying for childcare without bringing even a penny into the family pot.

Does the amount of money your father has for you cover only the private plastic surgery fees and the training course fees? Or does it include a childcare budget?

Being unwilling to work to break even on childcare begs the question of how childcare will be afforded out of only one salary when the former childcare providing parent is unavailable but not earning anything at all.

Perhaps returning to your former job/ type of work, all money in family pot, neither net increase nor decrease caused by both parents working and paying for childcare, both feeling equally responsible for both earning and childcare, both having a work life away from the home, might be good for your mental health?

Everything @LolaSmiles says.

Each post comes across more and more selfish. And as Lola says, I don't think anyone is arguing whether a tummy tuck (or therapy) are the right things. It's the overall attitude

Interesting how the children are your responsibility solely when it comes to childcare but when taking about sacrifices you almost spit out how you're stuck looking after 'his DC'.

@siratcha he’s got his car if he’s needs one for his job.

It’s the insistence on the husbands part that the car gifted to op from her father to help her with his grandchild is half the husbands car.

Has the DH actually said anywhere that he begrudges her having a car? It sounded to me like the OP was the one who went out of her way to tell him that it wasn't 'our' car, as you'd naturally expect to assume in most families.

I’ll be 100% responsible for fitting my future job around childcare while he just focuses on his career and leaves me to it.

Who knows how things could change once there are eventually two equal earners? In the meantime, most families with one partner earning all or the lion's share of the family money understand and accept that the breadwinner has to focus on their career.

He could equally have put it "I’ll be 100% responsible for focusing on my career which brings in most of the money that we need to live on while she just focuses on the childcare and leaves me to it".

And still we have people who have just read the OP and commented only based on that, without any thought whatsoever that there may have been any more information from the OP or that the discussion might just have moved on in nearly 500 messages.

Partner prob needs new golf clubs or something.

Any money my partner gets (which has been a fair bit) I considered a gift to them. I left them to how they spent it.

@TimeforanotherChange What savings? The op has stated that they are only just surviving pay check to pay check. I suspect the husband would have a lot more spare money if they divorced but the op would be the one struggling.

I don't think I've ever changed my opinion so drastically over the course of a thread.

Likewise

What's yours is mine but what's mine's me own.

What good career did you reluctantly give up, that would now only pay minimum wage on a zero hour contract? That makes no sense? Either you're telling porkies about the career you gave up to gain sympathy, or telling porkies in order to justify not working now.

OP your bitterness and resentment to your husband, child and the situation you are in is glaringly obvious in all your posts. It's not about your tummy or the retraining; you seem to hate everything about your life: your husband, your body, being a SAHM. I really think you should ask your dad to pay for some therapy to get to the bottom of this.

I think that with joint finances then any money is joint including gifts to either of you.

But of course your DH should agree that this money (or a large portion of it) should be spent as your DF intended. Why wouldn't he want you to be happy?

Your DH is s dick. Tell him when he gets pregnant. Gives birth. Suffers the many negative health consequences that result from pregnancy. Spend years as an unpaid nurse, cleaner cook and teacher THEN HE GETS A SAY

Your DH is s dick. Tell him when he gets pregnant. Gives birth. Suffers the many negative health consequences that result from pregnancy.

That's pretty much what I was thinking when I read the OP - but then I took the time to actually read the whole thread (as it was up to then) before commenting.

If no money goes into your account then you don't need to share it. Your dad can pay and give you the gift he wished. You husband sounds abysmal and I would be seriously thinking of leaving him.

Why wouldn't your husband want these things for you is the question??

Your DF has kindly gifted this money to you for extremely good positive and beneficial reasons which will benefit both of you in the long term.

To me it's a no-brainer.