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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

764 replies

Xitt · 20/09/2019 00:51

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 20/09/2019 15:52

It's amazing how people can be so polar opposite in how they interpret the same info.

See I'd say that the op is the controlling one , if any!

DH gets no say in his wages as they are all accounted for on day to day living expenses and he has no assets of his own - except maybe a family car which he uses to earn the money and which would have been used to transport the "family" before the father brought another one with no discussion as to who would fund the running of it.
He gets shouted down when he tries to say "our" car when talking about the second car.
The op says its her decision to have no more children because it's her body.
The op says it's her decision as to what to do with her inheritance.
The op wants to use money which was not specified for anything in particular other than to help the op, on things that she decides with absolutely no discussion and because the Dh has commented on the fact it might be better to use it for different things, he is in the wrong.

I'm failing to see how the DH can be called controlling for wanting to have a discussion about what they might want to spend the money on. He hasn't even said a definite no to surgery or retraining.

He just wants to be part of the decision making process.

Of course there might be more of a backstory but going on the ops comments this is my interpretation. Polar opposite to savingspace

Aderyn19 · 20/09/2019 16:10

Kate I would say it is always the woman's choice as to how many children a couple have, since she is the one who risks incontinence, prolapses, tears, ruined muscles and sometimes her life.

MyFartWillGoOn · 20/09/2019 16:14

@Aderyn19 I totally agree with you. I think the point Kate is making is language. OP says she's looking after HIS children and SHE decides how many more children SHE will be having

Totally agree with the point but OPs language is very much me, my, his etc not 'our' and this runs through the thread

Agree with Kate's post that DH hasn't at all vetoed anything. Sounds like he just wants to have a bloody discussion about it which isn't unreasonable

Aderyn19 · 20/09/2019 16:26

See, I think even questioning the operation is unreasonable. I truly do view that as a necessity.
I kind of see the point about inheritance - I guess if the OP would be happy to benefit from any inheritance he receives, then she ought to be willing for the reverse to also happen. But at the same time, I'm not seeing this as solely her money - it's her dad's and I think really he should say what he wants to spend it on.
He seems to be giving her options for a better life and I don't really understand why a husband would stand in the way of it.
I do agree that she has to think carefully about the retraining because it is something a person could easily sink a lot of money into without a guarantee of success, but in principle, I think of it in the same terms as a Christmas or birthday present, which no reasonable husband would consider his also.

Fifthtimelucky · 20/09/2019 16:28

I agree that the OP's language is revealing. As is the title of the thread.

Not 'AIBU to want to spend some money from my father on surgery and retraining', but 'Does money gifted to me also belong to DH'.

My answer to the question would be 'probably not'. My answer to the second would be 'in general, yes'.

tillytrotter1 · 20/09/2019 16:33

The MN stance has always been that his money is hers in a marriage, does this not apply here?

Anothernotherone · 20/09/2019 16:42

Aderyn19 a tummy tuck is a major operation with a fairly high complication rate. Complications include hematoma, deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, serious infection, internal bleeding, pneumonia, death...

There are drains in for days and pressure garments worn for weeks. The recovery is probably more serious than a post cesarean section recovery - the patient needs looking after at home for several days after being discharged and would be unable to lift or do anything strenuous for at least six weeks. Six weeks off work at least if the patient has a strenuous job - like childcare for a 2 year old...

It would be irresponsible and uncaring not to question a mainly cosmetic surgery with those risks, plus the childcare usually done by Sahm OP ist am additional cost which will need covering for a significant length of time.

That's before concerns about spending a lot of money for a family living pay check to paycheck without a buffer.

Original poster
Xitt · 20/09/2019 17:06

If I have surgery and retrain to get back into work I’m not getting more than DH. I’m just being repaid for what I’ve already sacrificed. DH doesn’t need a new job and a new stomach - he still has his original ones.

does DH need to put a flexible working request in
Haha, as if! He works whatever hours his career requires and I don’t even know what time he’ll be coming home. There’s zero chance of him even agreeing to ask for flexible working, much less getting it. I’ll be 100% responsible for fitting my future job around childcare while he just focuses on his career and leaves me to it. And I’m fully aware that if anything happens to him or if we divorce I can’t pay the bills or support DC, so I need to get a career for my own future security.

SHE decides how many more children SHE will be having
Pregnancy and c-section was a nightmare I’m not keen to repeat, and quite frankly my life and body has been damaged enough already. I won’t be giving birth to another child under any circumstances and I don’t find it unreasonable for me to make that decision. If he wants another child then he can wreck his body carrying it and give up his job to look after it.

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 20/09/2019 17:14

SHE decides how many more children SHE will be having Yes and no, I agree that if you do not want any more then that is your decision however is you did want and he didn't I don't then think you can overrule him. It is the phrasing of things that people are taking an issue with and are saying are showing an underlying selfish attitude.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 20/09/2019 17:14

This is at least the second time your father has given a large gift to make your life easier and you are insistent that the benefit of those gifts is yours alone. Meanwhile your husband has, for at least the last two years, put all his money into joint funds.

I agree. It seems that all money is joint money unless it's for something the OP wants from her DF.

Is a tummy tuck really essential? Many of us are in the same position and manage without it. Is it OPs mental health that's the bigger issue here? Possibly help with that and getting back into a job would help both partners and DF's money won't be required.

I couldn't take that amount of money from my parents just for my uses unless it was given for some life-saving surgery. We have a car each, but they're considered both of our cars.

Tilltheendoftheline · 20/09/2019 17:19

I’m just being repaid for what I’ve already sacrificed.

So are you going to make sure he gets back what he has put in?

Fifthtimelucky · 20/09/2019 17:21

OP: you're suggesting that you have sacrificed your career. If your child is two you cannot have not been out of the job market for long. What did you do before, and why can you not return to that field? It would be interesting to know what retraining you are thinking of, how much it would cost, and how long it would take.

Lowlandlucky · 20/09/2019 17:24

Are you planning anymore children ? If so a tummt tuck will be a waste of money

PeriComoToes · 20/09/2019 17:33

It's not an inheritance or money won on the lottery. It's something your DF is going to pay for FOR you. If your DF took you out for lunch without your husband would he expect £30 cash because he 'missed out'.

Husband is being horrible.

LolaSmiles · 20/09/2019 17:42

The choices surrounding family jobs and money are a JOINT decision. There needs to be a little less of the "I've made all these sacrifices so should have a free pass on what happens next and make all sorts of unilateral decisions based on what I want". There also needs to be a little less "my husband is working and putting everything into the family pot but In not happy with what's on offer so I'll cry to dad and get dad to give ME money for ME and MY wants and to hell with my husband who should just carry on paying the bills whilst I ignore our current situation because I want my own way".

It still seems to come back to "what's yours is mine and whats mine is mine, and because I had a baby I get to decide on my working hours, and retraining and not getting a job to aid the family pot because I want to retrain... Did I mention I had a baby so I can hold it over you forever"

Want to discuss the nature of retraining Vs me doing what I want, even though I'm not really sure what I want to do = can't do that, I had a baby, I made sacrifices, I had a baby

Want to discuss the current household situation regarding finances = nope can't do that because I had a baby and now I want to do what I want because I gave up 2 years at home

Anyone suggests that surgery aside, the attitudes overall aren't fair and show a level of selfishness = but my operations is for my mental health I had a baby you know

Anything that isn't 100% affirmation for the OP = but I had a baby and he didn't (so I have a free pass to use at any time because he physically couldn't give birth)

Very few people are saying you shouldn't have the surgery. Quite a few of us are saying that it's wrong to take your otherwise very unequal approach to finances.

Tilltheendoftheline · 20/09/2019 17:44

@PeriComoToes op doesnt believe he has a right to her inheritance either.

And he hasnt bought her anything. Her father has given her a lump sum of money

MitziK · 20/09/2019 17:50

'Dad? You know that money you wanted to give me for a tummy tuck? Can you keep hold of it and pay some legal expenses for me instead?'

Original poster
Xitt · 20/09/2019 18:10

I'll cry to dad and get dad to give ME money for ME and MY wants
Yes, it’s a luxury to have painful surgery to correct birth injuries. I don’t want surgery but unfortunately I need it. And I didn’t want to give up my career but I had to so now I need a new one. It’s not a “want” to be pain free and able to support yourself.

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 20/09/2019 18:16

Xitt What was your previous career and why can't you just go back to it?

Lvsel · 20/09/2019 18:16

Absolute joke no its YOUR MONEY tell him to fuck off

fedup21 · 20/09/2019 18:18

And I didn’t want to give up my career but I had to

What was it you did? Is it not possible to return to that career but maybe make a sideways move?

Original poster
Xitt · 20/09/2019 18:19

because I had a baby I get to decide on my working hours
I don’t want to “decide” my working hours. They’ll be decided for me by the childcare needs of DC for which I am 100% responsible.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 20/09/2019 18:21

You DH is grabby! If my DF gives me something I use it and have it. My DP wouldn't consider half of it his (even if we were married, we've been together 23+ years). Anyway your DF isn't giving you money he's giving you a tummy tuck. Then he's giving you some re-training.... isn't he!

Hopoindown31 · 20/09/2019 18:24

The MN stance has always been that his money is hers in a marriage, does this not apply here?

I believe "his money is hers and her money is hers" is the MN stance.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2019 18:24

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