Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

OP, correct me if I'm wrong. But your DH hasn't actually tried to veto how the gift is spent. He's simply said that he expects to have input into a decision that affects the whole family.
Tell me how that is unreasonable?

Apologies if I’m saying something PP have already said but, I’m getting that you are ‘crying all the time’ and that this is not the first tine your DF has stepped in to help. It’s making me wonder how happy you are generally with your DH and how supportive he is of you. Is your dad noticing a lack of support and trying to compensate? Or is it all hunky dory barring this issue? In which case, your DH might not see the link between your desire for surgery and your general happiness. Does he view re-training in a similar light? Ie nice to have but a luxury?

Why do you think that DH would fritter but you would save?

I think that the money should be spent on surgery and retraining but I also think youre unreasonable. Inheritance, the car etc IS all shared because you are a family, not just two people with a shared child.

I think the OP considers the car to begets because DH has one already. The trouble with saying it's jointly owned is that the DH might then consider he has an equal right to sell it if they are a bit skint. It would be a lie to say it's as much his as hers because it was a gift. It might not cost that much to run - we don't know how old the car is, how often it's used etc. Buses aren't free either and are time consuming and difficult with a baby. I think she has as much right to run a car as her DH tbh, it's a legitimate household expense when you have a child and shopping to do etc.

Am horrified by the notion she shouldn't have surgery because it means her DH will have to do some childcare as well as work. Surgery is a priority and it's nice to see a woman not putting her medical needs at the bottom of the the list.

If the DH has a decent job that he likes then it's also not unreasonable of her to want to same.

I agree that this isn't being gifted some money (to do what you want with). Your dad wants to gift you a tummy tuck and retraining. Would your DH be kicking up a 'what about me?' fuss if your dad gave you a bottle of perfume? You wouldn't kick up a fuss if his dad decided to buy him something (presumably).

The family income is completely different, because your childcare contribution has financial value (as well as the other things you do).

Your DH will benefit from you retraining too, as you'll be able to return to work and (I assume) warm more (or just be happier, which is also a win for the whole family).

It sounds a bit controlling to insist that he gets a say in the gifts your dad can buy you. And I'd be slightly wary of the fact he isn't keen on the retraining aspect.

It might not cost that much to run - we don't know how old the car is, how often it's used etc. Buses aren't free either and are time consuming and difficult with a baby. I think she has as much right to run a car as her DH tbh, it's a legitimate household expense when you have a child and shopping to do etc.

It costs money all the same though.

No one said he had the right to sell it or should he on the paper work.

They are married. Ita a joint asset. Like his is.

A second car is a luxury. Mainly because of the running costs. Not just the initial outlay.

No one has the right to run a car. If you are skint, you dont have a right to a car. Thats life. He has car because he needs to get to work. That's still not a right, but he may need it to get to work.

Ops car is a nice to have. I am not begrudging it her. But not many people would be happy with their mil buying their dh a gift, that is going to cost money every month from their budget, when they are already skint.

I suppose the car is ours - but DH has a car so he never drives it. He’s just being an arse by insisting it’s ours not mine^

Hmm, my guess is that he thinks you are an 'arse' for insisting it's yours. Both you and your husband sound childish. You also sound like you don't like each other.

@WooMaWang no she is being given an amount of money to spend on whatever will make her happy. She decided these 2 things.

Doesnt matter if the dh is miserable though apparently.

So much harshness here towards the dh and ridiculous claims about how op is so put upon. Op could well get a job with a young child- most women do work with young children, I did as a single parent with a child that age. She is not “allowing” her dh to work - we have no evidence at all that he couldn’t work anyway (as I and many other women and men do) without a sahp.

Also again these claims that a tummy tuck is needed for chronic pain and mobility issues are again dubious.

Ops dh is entirely reasonable to question her decision to spend her fathers money that he will gift her (as she said in a post earlier he is happy for her to spend it how she likes) on cosmetic surgery. And apparently “retraining” for something that she has no idea what. This is while all of dhs money goes to family living expenses and they are apparently struggling financially.

It’s pretty off all the dh abuse here. People need to get real.

Your DF is paying for your op and retraining. He’s not ‘gifting’ money. Tell your husband that. It has nothing to do with him. Between you and your DF

@frazzledasarock I can’t I understand a man who’d happily see his massively pregnant partner struggling without a car in all weathers in a rural area where buses are infrequent. Whilst he’s got his own car!

What about one with a job which requires it?

user1471449295
Incorrect.

That is how the op has unilaterally decided how to spend the money her father has given for her mental health.

@user1471449295 so lie, so he accepts her needs are met and fuck him?

I’m mixed on this one. I believe that any money coming into the household is family money. I inherited my Mum’s house. I paid it off our mortgage because we are a family. I do think the OP and dh should discuss the best use of the money but, given that it was a gift from her df to help her, any loving husband would surely want her to have the operation. Then they can discuss the best way forward for retraining or how best to use the money.

@siratcha he’s got his car if he’s needs one for his job.

It’s the insistence on the husbands part that the car gifted to op from her father to help her with his grandchild is half the husbands car.

The retraining thing also, if OP says she’d only get a job to cover the childcare costs under current circumstances I believe her. Childcare is very expensive. It is pointless going out to work if your expenses are going to eat up the money you bring home.

Retraining would help the household in the long run, ops mental health in the short run.

The main fact ops husbands attitude is ringing alarm bells for me is that he doesn’t want her to have an operation to correct a birth injury. Who would do that to a partner they loved?

any loving husband would surely want her to have the operation.

We don't know that he doesn't. We just know that the op shuts down any discussion because in her eyes it's her money and her decision.

Retraining would help the household in the long run, ops mental health in the short run.

What if the long run causes her dh mental health to buckle.

And actually retraining is guaranteed to help her mental health. It could make it worse, if she make a hasty decision or dives into too quick.

Or she could sit on the money, while she makes sure she is ready and picks the right thing. All the while the dh is stressed to fuck and they are living day to day.

We don't know that he doesn't. We just know that the op shuts down any discussion because in her eyes it's her money and her decision
This!
She's decided that the money is for her mental health so she can unilaterally decide how to spend it and sod his thoughts and feelings.
She's also wanting to keep money to retrain in something she isn't sure of and won't get a job because she's decided it's not worth her working part time (again full time is an option but I'm guessing has been binned as an idea).

It makes sense to have an operation if it has health benefits.
Retraining may well be useful, but only if it actually leads to something that helps solve the family finances and the family can afford it in the short term. (Eg wanting to do a reflexology or beauty or craft course so you can work 10 hours a week on a good day is probably not going to change the family circumstances but doing a level 3/4 course in an area where there's jobs and progression is probably more beneficial, doing a postgraduate conversion course for a professional job with more secure progression would have a massive impact on future finances but would be a bigger disrupttion short term that they would both need to navigate and discuss). Just wanting to retrain because I've given 2 years at home and don't want to work yet because I wouldn't earn much part time isn't a plan.

It doesn't make sense to go through life deciding "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine and whatever my dad gives is also mine" and thinking that "but I had a baby" somehow is a magic card to play.

The OP is relying on people having strong feelings about equality with SAHP/WOHP to get in the way of noticing that her whole attitude is really unfair.

Depends on how much money the retraining takes.
I doubt the amount of money to retrain would make a dent in a mortgage.

Unless op wants to become a pilot or something.

The H doesn’t sound like he’s currently stressed and the status quo of would remain for a bit longer. Till op went out to work.

It's not cosmetic surgery - that implies something unnecessary and purely for vanity. It's surgery to correct a birth injury. That the DH thinks it should even be up for discussion is worrying.
OP's dad told her to put the money towards the things that will make her stop crying all the time, not the things her husband approves of! This isn't really her money - it's her dad's money and he should be able to buy his daughter whatever he wants without running it past the husband first. It's not the same as money she earns, which I agree should be joint.

The money literally is for her mental health. It's the only reason her dad is giving it to her.

What the hell. It's been offered for a specific thing. Not your mortgage or anything else. I bet if it was the other way around it'd be his money only

OP - i think your husband is actually showing signs of being a controlling and abusive person.
He seems determined to be in control of ALL money that 'comes in' and it seems that so far HE has been having the power of veto over financial decisions - simply because it's his wage/money.
I can see red flags re financial abuse waving.

Talk about putting things into the family pot - I put a baby and two years of my life in there....We chose to have a baby so by extension we chose to pay the expenses of having a baby. Whether that’s nappies, clothes or repairing the damage the baby caused
Precisely.
Any health problems - be they mental or physical - resulting from having dc and rectifying them goes into this pot.
You gave up your job to be a SAHM so re-training for a child-friendly future job/career is also goes into this pot.

You sacrificed your own personal financial freedom and autonomy in order to accommodate a 'joint' decision to have dc.
HE KNOWS that him being the only breadwinner/billpayer is his contribution/sacrifice towards the family pot.
He also knows that 'his' wage is actually yours too by virtue of the commitments/decisions you've both made.

Yet he CHOOSES not to see it this way.
He wants it all his way, he wants all the power over 'joint' decisions and he wants you to put up and shut up

Re the car - he had one to travel to work and was happy to let you take public transport despite living rural and being heavily pregnant.
At what point did your husband make your and your future dc's transport needs and safety a priority?
There was 'joint' money available to afford a baby - where was the money for a car?
Let me guess, HE decided that 'we can't afford it/you don't need it'?
So your dad stepped up and provided for your needs - out of his own personal money.
The petrol that you buy is bought with YOUR 'wages'.

I’d just like to have a job with prospects instead of a zero hour contract. I haven’t thought about it because I couldn’t afford it...He’s offered a specific amount with a suggestion that it would cover what I need to get my life back and stop crying all the time
How does he knows the 'specific amount' that you will require when neither of you know precisely what it is you want to do? Or if it's even possible?
Have you discussed him stepping up re housework, childcare and life admin for when you go back to work?
Or pay arrangements/division for childcare/wraparound care?
HE hasn't mentioned any of that has he? I bet he thinks he's clever!
He's just giving you lip service hoping you will believe his shite.
I bet he won't make it easy for you to return to work and will play every game possible to manipulate you into believing that the 'hassle' is proof that going back to work is futile.
Then you'll be even more dependent on him.
If i were you i'd move the 'joint' money for your retraining into a separate account to "make sure WE don't accidentally spend it on something he deems urgent".

He doesn't seem to give a shit about your emotional needs or be very sympathetic to them.
How utterly patronizing and undermining is the attitude "fine, i'll help you get a job if it shuts you up"?
You NEED to prioritize your physical and mental wellbeing - and he is NOT being supportive.

So happily accept your dad's gift of money for surgery - your husbands attitude and help re dc/housework during your recovery from surgery will show you more of his real colours.
I would advise that you get counselling help too (not for the surgery!) to sift through and understand yourself better.
Your whole system has been impacted by the pregnancy and you're married to a man who is determined to bully and gaslight you.

I think he hates that you have the kind of parental/financial support that he's never had and he's bitter and resentful of it.
He doesn't want you to have anything of your 'own' and he wants to be in control of anything you do get.
He definitely needs to get counselling for his childhood issues and his bullying, controlling ways.

I might not want to sell my childhood home. I certainly won’t provide DH with cash to fritter away on luxuries
Sounds to me like you're realising what your husband is really about.
Re the house, i suggest your dad get a watertight, legally binding will/trust set up that protects his inheritance for the dc/you.
The only time an inheritance becomes part of the marital pot is if it's deposited into a JOINT/family account, and/or if you spend it on joint/family stuff like mortgage/renovations/holidays/bills etc.
So for now, any financial GIFT your dad gives you, make sure it goes into your personal account.
Then get legal advice for any future happenings.

I usually think all money in a marriage should be shared / no separate finances etc but in your case YANBU! Spend the money on what it's meant for - you. Your husband isn't being fair.

My DH lost 11 stone and also needs a tummy tuck type procedure. His Mum has offered to pay for it, as she has paid for quite a few other things for him personally, and it has never even occurred to me that this is unfair! But we do have much more separate evenly earned finances than you OP, so it really isn't an issue.

It's a difficult one. He really should be supportive of you receiving surgery and training that will benefit your life and make you happy. At the same time, he is entitled to use his own money where it is not needed for family purposes to improve his own personal life. I think you should maybe plan for him to start putting a bit of money aside for himself personally to eventually be equivalent to what you have received from your father. This could well take some time though. How practical would that be - are there any spare funds?