Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

There are a few people still coming on saying "oh he's awful, LTB" but they've not read your updates which give a lot more insight about the situation.
I agree.
Even when people are saying A is reasonable but B C D aren't, it's still the usual double standard regarding finances.

@Xitt This thread is almost useless; it's full of people commenting on your original post which leaves out a lot of vital details.

This. There are a few people still coming on saying "oh he's awful, LTB" but they've not read your updates which give a lot more insight about the situation.

Thirded. It's like a thread where the OP complains that a friend expects them to spend hours every day doing tasks for them - and then much later happens to mention that they DO pay them a full-time wage and have an employment contract.

I've read a chunk but not all of this thread, so apologies if I've missed something important detail wise.

I think if you're crying all the time it's worth trying to work out why - do you think you might be depressed/anxious in the clinical sense or are you in the middle of a situation that's making you unhappy? It's worth thinking about counselling for you.

In the interim, it's worth getting some help from your GP re the pain you're experiencing. It might be they're underestimating the extent of pain your stomach is causing (women's pain is often taken less seriously by doctors than men's pain) and that you could be referred for NHS surgery. Your GP can at least refer you to pain specialists for further advice on pain management.

If you are going to have surgery, it isn't going to be a magic fix - you'll need to check with the surgeons (and nurses) what the recovery period will be like, what the cosmetic results might be, what the feeling might be like in your stomach afterwards. You probably don't want to have surgery unless your husband is willing to help care for you afterwrads / unless you've got somewhere else to stay and another adult willing to support you in the period afterwards.

If your husband is not supportive, a better starting point might be to spend money on retraining, before thinking about the surgery, because that's something you can present as being directly beneficial to your family in the longer term. It also improves your earning potential should your husband become unable to work/die/you separate.

Interest rates are likely to rise in the coming years. Your husband's suggestion of wanting to pay a chunk of the mortgage off isn't a bad one (unless you have other higher interest debts to pay first) - it gives you a bit more freedom in your monthly spending/will allow you to do some saving.

@Xitt This thread is almost useless; it's full of people commenting on your original post which leaves out a lot of vital details.

This. There are a few people still coming on saying "oh he's awful, LTB" but they've not read your updates which give a lot more insight about the situation.

Thirded. It's like a thread where the OP complains that a friend expects them to spend hours every day doing tasks for them - and then much later happens to mention that they DO pay them a full-time wage and have an employment contract.*

Fourthed (if that's even a thing). Context is key and I think DH questions on how it's spent stem from wider issues in how OP views money

Maybe he just wants to be seen as an equal partner rather than constantly being told how it is going to be?

Those posters who say it's a gift. That's the crux of the issue.

The father didn't say "This money is to pay for surgery and retraining only" If that was the case there would be no question that DH would be unreasonable.

He has given an amount of money to help her mental health. It's not unreasonable for the DH to want to be included in the discussion of how this is to be spent. No where has the op said he has definitely said it's not an option for surgery or retraining.
Maybe after discussing it then he would agree that that is how it should be spent - or reduce the mortgage and pay for those things through the saving each month. We don't know, but it's not unreasonable to think it should at least be discussed. Instead the op seems to be intent on dictating everything to do with "her money" whilst his is earmarked for day to day life where there is no spare money to consider what to do with.

It does seem one sided UNLESS the op is reacting to pressures from him that we are unaware of.

@katewhinesalot Spot on. 100% this

First post: hmm possibly DH is being unreasonable, we need more info.

Further updates: YABU. Would be very interested to hear DH's side of this, I have a suspicion a lot more would come out than you have already told us. You're attitude to so-called joint finances comes off incredibly one sided. Money is either joint, or it's not. We're not talking about a £50 birthday gift, we're talking about £1000's that could potentially make quite a big difference to the family finances. I'm not saying it shouldn't be spent on those things, but it should 100% be discussed as a family.

If my DH was gifted a few thousand pounds and spent it completely on luxuries for himself when we have kids, a mortgage, work needing done on the house, a holiday to save for, etc. etc... I would not be a happy bunny.

Hee df gave a car. Great. But that increased their costs. Insurance, tax and petrol. The family are struggling and OP is using it to retrain. So lengthening the time it will take for the financial pressure, or their finances, to improve.

I suspect the dh is a but pissy because the dad keeps giving her things that make the financial pressure worse.

Very true. Also not forgetting that, however helpful it may be to have the operation, it will also necessitate further childcare costs whilst OP recovers from it, which can take a long time.

Even with the retraining, if OP's DH is stressing about the family only just making ends meet, he may be mindful that, whilst the course costs for retraining towards her dream career are all paid by her DF, it will also involve a long delay before she's available for any work to bring in added family funds (and that's if she doesn't then consider her earnings her own personal money).

We also don't know if the retraining is highly likely to be the gateway to a stable career; for all we know, it could be a pipe dream for a 'hobby-style' career that isn't realistically ever going to take off or provide a secure source of reliable income.

it will also involve a long delay before she's available for any work to bring in added family funds

Sorry, you'd already made that very point!

There no way a man would be given any sympathy here if he said

He was a sahp
His wife worked and finding it stressful as the lived day to day and money was very tight
His mum bought him a car last year to run the child about, but left the running costs to the family budget, but he thought his wife was cheeky to see this as a family vehicle
All his wifes money was shared
They had talked about him returning to work to ease the burden

BUT his mother has given him a lump sum to spend on making himself feel better and he decided, unilaterally, that that money was going on surgery for him and retraining for him. He has no clue what he wants to do but is going to keep them money to side until he decides

His wife feels they should have discussed it and wants to talk about using some of the money for the families financial security, but the wife just wont accept the money was just his. Not shared. Her wage is joint, but anything he recieves from his mum isnt joint and he isnt willing to even think about using it to help his wifes stress in the short term.

And then if he added 'and she expects any future inheritance to be shared as well. I am keeping that and doing as I wish with it'

Can you imagine the responses?

Your husband needs to step way back here. He is out of line completely. Your father could pay the surgeon directly, or the clinic whatever. And also he could pay the training for employment costs directly. No money even needs to come to you if your husband continues to behave like a jealous child. Urgh. Sounds like the tummy is both affecting your self esteem, and also is causing you pain. Get your husband told, and look after you.

Get your husband told, and look after you.

And should the husband do the same, and start looking after only himself? Families shouldn't work like that.

If my DH was gifted a few thousand pounds and spent it completely on luxuries for himself when we have kids, a mortgage, work needing done on the house, a holiday to save for, etc. etc... I would not be a happy bunny

Neither would I. But if he for example spent it to have a knee replacement now that the NHS would not fund for two years, I would not begrudge him that. Mental health issues should be taken as seriously as physical health.

Disclaimer: I'd be annoyed if my wife spent money having her breasts made bigger. Or on botox. But to have something fixed that went wrong in pregnancy - just be glad you don't have to risk your body having kids, if you're male!

It doesn’t really sound like you and your DH like each other very much - do you have an otherwise happy marriage?

It is difficult to judge who is being unreasonable when this post only offers your side of the story. On the one hand, your DH should be pleased for you that your DF has offered to fix this problem for you. But on the other hand if there are already existing tensions/struggles surrounding money in the family then I can see why his nose might have been put out of joint. Accusations of financial abuse are unfounded at this point as you haven’t really shared enough information. There are too many unknowns.

I would be very sad if DH was expecting to inherit a large sum and intended to keep it from me. I can’t imagine him doing that though as he loves me and we are a team.

It sounds like there’s lots of bad feeling on both sides at the moment and you two need to deal with that first.

I can see both sides of this.

From your side this is a gift from your DH for your mental health, physical heath and career. If you are suffering as much as you say you are with the loose skin then I would fully expect DH to be supportive of the money for the surgery. It would really make me think twice about my DP if he would rather see me in physical and mental pain just to advance a couple of years in the mortgage.

As for the training, I'm 50:50 on this one as you've said you don't even know what you want to train in. If you had a passion or drive to do something then I would fully support it as it would benefit both of you in the long run but imo it seems like you've already put that money to one side for yourself even though you don't know what you want to do and it could be easily 'frittered away' if you decide in a year or so you hate that profession you've trained it.

However your attitude to 'this is mine and not yours' with regards to the car / house does come across as entitled and selfish. If you inherit the house I THINK property is classed as marital asset and would be shared between you and your husband if you got divorced (as would the car). I can understand your husband feeling slightly aggrieved that 100% of his money, bonuses and possessions are shared but yours aren't.

I think you both need to sit down and have an adult discussion about how you want to move forward with finances.

I’m this single issue your husbands is being a twat.

However, your subsequent posts make me think you’re selfish too. Inheritance, once your married, is surely shared?

I think that if your dad has said he will give you £10k and you have decided what to spend it on then that's a bit shit on your part. If he has offered to pay for specific things then that's different.
Would you still be getting money if you don't retrain/have surgery?

How is your marriage generally? Because it sounds like you’re very miserable and not acting with much love and affection towards each other. Are you having treatment for depression? If you’re crying every day then you need support for your mh.

What did you do before you had a child? I think it’s reasonable for your DH to question spending money on ‘retraining’ when you don’t have any idea of what to do and it sounds like you weren’t trained in anything previously? And if your mental health is very bad, attempting to train as some unspecified thing might not go very well.

But if he for example spent it to have a knee replacement now that the NHS would not fund for two years, I would not begrudge him that.

True, I agree the health aspect must be considered. I said in my last post, I'm not saying the money definitely shouldn't be used for that purpose but I do definitely think it should be discussed. Without specific details of the family finances it's hard to judge.

Finances are mostly fine and OP wants to use gifted money for a surgery to fix a problem contributing to mental health issues: no problem.

Finances are on their arse, debts, struggling month to month, DH starting to suffer mentally from the pressure of being sole earner, causing regular arguments and OP wants to use the money for surgery: more of a problem.

I think that if your dad has said he will give you £10k and you have decided what to spend it on then that's a bit shit on your part. If he has offered to pay for specific things then that's different.

My understanding is that the money is for whatever will make OP happier (or less depressed). If paying debts, mortgage or whatever won't improve her state of mind, then to use father's gift for those purposes would be wrong, imo.

I haven't read everything but i have read the last page or so I think I have the jist of it. I think you should compromise and have the tummy tuck as it sounds like you are struggling to move forward without it but I don't think you should take time out to "retrain". That is a luxury that I don't think your family can afford - your husband will basically be subsidising you for years while you explore your retraining (even if your father pays the course fees etc).

I think you should look to get back to work but you could try a completely new direction if you don't want to go back to your previous area of work. Look with an open mind for jobs and areas of work with good prospects for trainjng/ development and promotion.

And again, what is your plan for childcare whilst you are recovering from the massive surgery? Your H has to work to pay the mortgage, so it's not just a question of, 'Well, I'm having a tummy tuck and that's that'. It's a surgery with a longer recovery time than most CS, 8-12 weeks, and no walk in the park, the scar is really long.

So you dont think it's a bit shit to know your daughter is struggling with her mental health. But So is your son in law who is covering the Bill's and finding it hard. Stressed and this is causing more problems, then giving f your daughter money only to make her mental health better. But only her mental health, not your son in laws or strengthening the family (including grandchild) finances to help the family long term.

But you already bought her a gift which really helped your daughter and her child. But piled the pressure on the dh by increasing out goings.

But no, the money can only be used in things that directly benefit your daughter only? There could be a longterm benefit for everyone, but that wont show until several years down the line. If at all.

The car does belong to both of you, you're married

You husband is wrong re the gift but correct re the car. If you insist the car is yours, who pays for repairs and upkeep?