Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

I think that as your father offering to pay for a specific thing then your husband IBU. You can't choose what to spend the money on in this case.

However I've seen countless threads on here where the woman asks whether her husband is BU for keeping a gift of money, and the thread has been full of 'you're married, it's family money, he's selfish for keeping it to himself' etc.

So YANBU in this particular situation but there are a lot of double standards on this thread

I can’t I understand a man who’d happily see his massively pregnant partner struggling without a car in all weathers in a rural area where buses are infrequent. Whilst he’s got his own car!

No wonder OP considers the car her dad gifted her as hers. Her H treats the car her drives as his and it’s ‘family’ car only in name as he’s the one who has priority of access to it.

DP wouldn’t let me stand around waiting for buses when I was pregnant he insisted I take taxis to wherever I was going as I was struggling.

The H sounds very very financially abusive and OP sounds like she is kicking back.

Also a tummy tuck in this instance is nothing like a boob job or a similar vanity cosmetic surgery. OP is in constant pain currently due to her stomach and needs corrective surgery to deal with it.
I’d definitely get the surgery done prior to retraining for a new job, as then you’d need to take Sick leave from your job after the procedure. I’d get it done first.

And as for people saying why doesn’t but OP get a job without retraining. She’s said her salary would go into childcare. That is pointless for her, she’d not be gaining anything from this, and she’d still need the surgery.

Get the surgery, and think about what you want to do and retrain.

Then reconsider your marriage.

I'm concerned he doesn't want it to improve, that he likes her being dependent
If that's the case it would be a red flag.

But nothing in this sounds like the OP is being trapped. Personally the decisions about family situations should be between the couple first and foremost, not well I've complained to my dad and i'll get the money from my dad to do what I want, when I want, retrain in what I want when I want and if my DH doesn't agree then he's a dickhead.

Eg depending on what field is being retrained in there could be childcare runs to factor in, evening working, does DH need to put a flexible working request in, what hours are th course, are there any placements, what's the commute like, would a part time job for now be better and then retrain in a year or so, could a part time job in that area offer paid routes to get qualified etc

I was the breadwinner when I left my job to retrain as a teacher. There's no way I'd have decided that I'll do what I want because it's my career and I can manage and expect DH to suck it up because that's stroppy and unreasonable.

Do we know that he never gets anything for himself?
If OP was saying that this money is hers and she will spend it on handbags then I would agree she was wrong. But spending it on surgery to correct the damage caused by pregnancy isn't a selfish luxury to me. She's just trying to get back to where she was. Likewise retraining is to the benefit of both of them in the long run. She is entitled not to be forever held back by having had a child. She has suffered physically and also list out in career terms for the past couple of years. The husband hasn't been negatively affected but he has had increased pressure of being the sole wage earner. This is a chance to change life for the better for them both. But he's too busy having a jealous hissy fit to see how they are both getting a life changing offer at no cost to him.

I dont think the dh objects to her having surgery.

I think he objects to her being a lump sum to 'improve her life' and views this money as purely hers to decide what to do with. Which is her attitude to marriage and what's hers.

It might be the straw that broke the camels back.

The isauea with the training is different to the surgery. The family are living hand to mouth. He has expressed he wants her to go back to work to help finances.

OP, has decides to invest this in fees to retrain. Not towards living costs.

So her husband, who she says is under stress now, will have to remain in that position while she decides what she wants to do and then does it. You could be talking 4 years.

She wonr even consider spending the money on making the family finances better, take the pressure off her husband and then look at what options they have with more financial room to manoeuvre.

She also doesnt see her potential inheritance as anything to do with him either.

So she gets luxuries. Being able to retrain when you have kids is a luxury. So is cosmetic surgery. So is a second car.

She gets luxuries, while no one else does. Because eventiay, at some point t in the future she might be able to contribute to family finances.

But then will she see that money as her own too?

The father hasn't offered to pay for education and surgery. He is giving her a lump sum to help her out. She has decided that its going on these 2 things.

Surely making family finances more secure would also help her out. Surely her helping relieve some pressure on her dh would be a priority.

Given the OP doesnt care if her and hee child live in a box to have this surgery, I would suggest she isnt thinking clearly at all.

It sounds like the surgery is a good idea and will help her.

But I think her attitude is off. And a man in her position would not be given any sympathy for wanting to spend money on surgery and retraining when his wife is the sole earner and they are struggling with money and his wife is unseen stress. Especially, while he gives the 'I am a sahp, we have joint money. Apart from anything that's mine. Thata not joint money'

I think that while he is being rather unreasonable ,I can see his point of view .The fact that he is responsible for all the bills and day to day living and his FIL offers money for extras .However if you are unhappy about your tummy ,that is a different reason and the money is being provided to help you regain your health .Are you happy in the relationship because if you arent then that may still continue after your OP!.Maybe tell DH that you want to regain a new career ,and therefore provide money to the joint account to help out?.If you are crying all the time you may be depressed and would be wise to seek GPs advice?

I did a massive double take at my phone when i read what your dh said. Your DF is giving you money for a specific thing! I literally don’t even know how he could try that one on!

*I can’t I understand a man who’d happily see his massively pregnant partner struggling without a car in all weathers in a rural area where buses are infrequent. Whilst he’s got his own car!

No wonder OP considers the car her dad gifted her as hers. Her H treats the car her drives as his and it’s ‘family’ car only in name as he’s the one who has priority of access to it.

DP wouldn’t let me stand around waiting for buses when I was pregnant he insisted I take taxis to wherever I was going as I was struggling.*

Did I miss OP's post on this? Does he not need the car for work?

Aderyn19
Given that all his wages go int he family pot and he has to put his bonuses in the family pot and he's already said that they could do with her going back to work onrelieve pressures on household finances, it's not unreasonable to guess that his money goes on the family things whilst the OP gets money from her dad for whatever she wants to do.
Tilltheendoftheline putsbit well. OP's dad is giving money to help her out and she has decided it's going on surgery (fair do) and for her to retrain.
The whole attitude is out of whack. Why should one person have to carry the household (having already expressed concerns about finances), whilst the other unilaterally decides that there's no point them getting a part time job and they want to retrain for an unspecified period of time because their dad will give them the money?

You need to check where you stand on this. I wonder if actually it would be half his too legally if, for example you divorced.

I agree with this. If you really want your father's house to benefit your children, it might be best if it was left to them. I'd seek advice on this point.

Well then the car he drives is his and the car OP received from her dad and in which she drives their child around in is her car.

Presumably she also does the grocery shopping and household errands in the car.

She is entitled to consider it her car.

The H sounds very very financially abusive

Where are you getting this from? All of his money is in a joint pot and they have no money left for luxuries - so they probably couldn't afford to buy a 2nd car. And OP could get around on the bus - it's not like she was totally stuck at home unable to go out.

As someone who did leave work to retrain, I can't help but find the whole set up here really quite selfish (other than the surgery which is understandable).

DH and I are a partnership and that means that discussions about our finances and jobs and so on were for us as a couple to discuss, not for one of us decide the other should suck it up.

They live day to day.

Who says they could afford taxis everywhere.

Bonuses are a weird one. A couple could work equally hard but only one of them is in a career where bonuses are a possibility. So, in a marriage it seems unfair for only one to benefit from that money. Also, as a sahp, the OP has no opportunity to get a bonus.
Sometimes on MN there's an attitude that the wohp is doing the sahp a huge favour, with little acknowledgement that this arrangement often really suits the wohp too or that sometimes it's a straightforward economic choice because cost of childcare wipes out the additional wage.
If my DH hated his job, I wouldn't mind if he spent his bonus to retrain. Even if OP's retraining involved her h having to change his life a bit to do his share of childcare, that's fair enough because it is his child too. She has a right to return to work and try to maximize her earnings. I don't think she has to clear that with him tbh. MN generally thinks that sah is only okay if both parties agree. In this case the sahm doesn't want to do it anymore and she has every right to get back into the workplace and be supported while she does so, since sah will have had a negative impact on her career.

@frazzledasarock no...both cars are shared cars.

Maybe he could have given up work so she had free use of his car.....that would have worked wouldnt it!

Bonuses are a weird one. A couple could work equally hard but only one of them is in a career where bonuses are a possibility. So, in a marriage it seems unfair for only one to benefit from that money.
Normally I would agree.
I can't get a bonus. DH does. It goes in the family pot and we agree how it will be spent.

But then I don't turn round to him and tell him that what's mine is mine, and if family want to give us some money to help out that I get to decide what happens with it. I didn't turn round to him and tell him that I'd be retraining in what I want on my timeframe and he has to get over it.

The WOHP/SAHP only works when both agree. I agree with you. But there is a difference between wanting to return to the workplace and wanting it all on one person's terms (namely, sod the fact you've said we need some extra money, even if I went part time I wouldn't be adding much because my salary would be all on childcare, so instead of going full time or having a proper discussion as a couple about our financial future, I'll get the money from my dad and do what I want and you can get over it and keep paying the bills).

That's the point. I think you and I agree on many principles. I just look at this situation and see the OP wants everything in a way that suits her. It's not about give and take, it's a lot of taking.

I'm confused by all the posters calling DH controlling and abusive: where is this coming from?

His wage and bonus goes into a family pot. He didn't leave a heavily pregnant wife to catch buses while he swanned about in his own car: OP has said they have no money for luxuries therefore assume no savings and couldn't afford a second car until it was given. Presumably his was needed for, oh I don't know...work to provide ££

Other than the OP where it reads like DH has been told this is how the money has been spent and gone 'hang on...maybe we should put some to the mortgage....maybe we might need to spend some on other things' there is no other comment on DH insisting money gets spent in a certain way: in fact, it reads the opposite extreme

Again, I'm not suggesting spending this money on surgery is unreasonable but I do think your attitude is. And I imagine from the tone of your posts that your husband was told 'hey, DF has given me £xx so I've decided on a tummy tuck and to retrain'. I would also be a bit at this.

I think you need to have a wider conversation about how he feels about all the financial burden being on him and not being able to afford certain things, but also about how important this is to you for your sanity and self worth on surgery

If the cost of retraining was going to eat into the family budget I would agree that she can't just do it with no consultation. But this is 'free' retraining and will benefit them both. Doing a min wage job now, is of no financial benefit to them. Using the money to ease the finances now, is a short term fix. Her dad is offering them both opportunity for a better long term future.

I'm not really viewing this money as the OP's, but as her father's money.

Using the money to ease the finances now, is a short term fix. Her dad is offering them both opportunity for a better long term future.
But they may need a short term fix and they should be discussing as a couple what their financial situation and working situation will look like moving forward. Maybe they keep a hold of the cash for now, she gets a job to top up the family pot and retrains in a year. There's loads of options. None of them mean going to parents over your partner for big decisions.

At the moment the OP sees handouts form dad as a reason to do what she wants and her DH has to get over it.

She gets luxuries, while no one else does.

Bit harsh, there @Tilltheendoftheline. I don't think corrective surgery or retraining are exactly luxuries.

But what if they were? What if OP's father bought her an expensive piece of jewellery, would you expect her to sell it to pay off some of the mortgage or clear debts? I wouldn't, and I'd be really hurt if I bought someone an expensive gift and they flogged it.

@Xitt This thread is almost useless; it's full of people commenting on your original post which leaves out a lot of vital details.

This. There are a few people still coming on saying "oh he's awful, LTB" but they've not read your updates which give a lot more insight about the situation.

What if OP's father bought her an expensive piece of jewellery, would you expect her to sell it to pay off some of the mortgage or clear debts?
It's a bit different if he'd actually bought her something (but actually if I knew my family was struggling and I had an expensive piece of jewellery, then selling it would at least be up for discussion).

He hasn't bought her anything - he's giving her money to spend on what she wants.

Well then the car he drives is his and the car OP received from her dad and in which she drives their child around in is her car.

Presumably she also does the grocery shopping and household errands in the car.

She is entitled to consider it her car.

Lots of couples have 'his car' and 'her car' and it works fine, but they're usually considered joint family assets. If you have a small car and your spouse has a big car, does that mean that you should never be able to do a big tip run or buy any big furniture because 'you' don't have a big enough car? (not saying you should just take it without speaking to them, of course). If you have two cars and one adult needs a car for work, whilst the other is going to be at home all day, and the working adult's car is in the garage - does that mean that they should have no right to think they might be able to use the other family car instead (after checking with their spouse, of course)?

We have some of our various bills in one or other adult's name for various mundane historical reasons - does that mean that it's MY water, electricity or TV licence and other family members should have no right to just help themselves to its use like, you know, a family would?

I don't know if this is the exact scenario here, but if it's the case that a car is essential for him to get to and from work and she can manage perfectly well day to day without one but just finds it nicer to have one - and they're already struggling to make ends meet on one wage, but now that wage has to stretch to pay for the tax, insurance, MoT, repairs etc on a second car - I can well see how he'd be very annoyed when she says to him "Just so you know, that's MY car, so don't go thinking you can ask to borrow it to get to work when yours is at the garage".

But this is 'free' retraining and will benefit them both. Doing a min wage job now, is of no financial benefit to them. Using the money to ease the finances now, is a short term fix. Her dad is offering thembothopportunity for a better long term future.

How long before a benefit is shown.

Hee df gave a car. Great. But that increased their costs. Insurance, tax and petrol. The family are struggling and OP is using it to retrain. So lengthening the time it will take for the financial pressure, or their finances, to improve.

I suspect the dh is a but pissy because the dad keeps giving her things that make the financial pressure worse.

What if OP's father bought her an expensive piece of jewellery, would you expect her to sell it to pay off some of the mortgage or clear debts? I wouldn't, and I'd be really hurt if I bought someone an expensive gift and they flogged it.

But he has given her money. And told her to use it to get better. He hasnt bought her and operation or training course.

And he hasnt thought about the impacts on the dh when giving her this money at all. OP unilaterally decided she was spending this money on herself. Knowing her husband is struggling.

Ahe has clearly said anything g she has is hers. Not shared, whilst saying they have joint money. They dont have joint money. His money is joint. Her money is her own.

The surgery is a fine line between luxury and not. But, actually, retraining when your family is on its arse, your spouse is stressed and you live day to day is a luxury.

She is quite lucky that her dh doesnt agree thay he would also rather live in a cardboard box than bother paying.g the mortgage.

It's all well and good saying the home isnt important to her and these things are
But she is saying that with the full knowledge that she can say that because he will make sure its paid. .

Imagine working trying to keep your family housed and afloat and your partner saying 'yeah actually, I am not that fussed. I would rather live in a box. Not that bothered about what your are contributing.