Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

I agree with PP, get DF to pay the surgeon direct, then you have never had the money.

Yes, if you inherit DF house then that could be considered a marital asset. If you don't anticipate being married long term then you should divorce now to avoid that predicament.

Your husband sounds like a right tosser, does he care about you at all? My husband would be glad that he’d not have to find the money for it.

I’m a sahm too and have been for 5 years I should add.

In order to stop feeling like crap you'll have to divorce the dickhead you appear to be married to.

This. Your dad sounds like a gem

@Xitt.....have you considered having more DC and the impact a tuck operation at this point might have on your life and any future pregnancies ? I do sympathise with the body thing. I was left with floppy tiny boobs after DC1 but decided it was better to have DC2 and wait a couple of years before I finally did decide to get a boob job. My DH Was more that happy to support this as he recognised that it made me feel like a confident sexy lady again.

OP doesn't want more dc

You and DH CHOSE to have a baby

As the OP rightly pointed out, she didn't choose to sacrifice her body, and she was the one who had to have the baby, so if she needs something fixing, it should be a family expense. Or, if her dad is happy to pay for it, that's fine, it's not family £££.

As for any inheritance, you could ask your DF to leave some of the money directly to your children in trust so your not so D-H can't get his mitts on it.

If it was me, if it was inheritance to a large amount, I would absolutely discuss with my partner how to spend it, and try to do something that would benefit the whole family (or even just save it until we need for something).

But it's not. It's a gift that your father has given to you for a certain purpose. If I gave money to someone who then used it for something other than what I'd given it to them for, I would actually be quite angry. He should be supporting you with this, and if he can't, then fuck him, quite frankly, as that's just selfish.

You and your husband are not a partnership. You are not pulling together. It is difficult to tell whether this has started because he feels you are not sharing, or whether you are not sharing because you have never been a partnership, but the resentment on both sides is clear nad this is not a good environment for your child to grow up in.

Definitely this. I said earlier I feel it's a chicken or egg situation.

I'm on the fence about this one.
On the one hand, from reading the op, i would say that your dh is an arse and you should have the surgery and retraining.
But then reading your later posts, i do get the feeling there is a lot more going on than your original op describes.

Before your df offered this money, if you had had a conversation with your dh about 'if i won the lottery...', would he have been supportive of you spending it all on yourself? (Admittedly with a possible long term benefit to the family, if retraining brought you a better job, so that you could contribute to the family pot).

I do feel that there is an over riding sense of what's his is ours, and what's mine is my own, but i think without knowing a lot more about the dynamics of your marriage it's very difficult to advise.

How does your dh feel about you crying all the time with the discomfort of the excess skin? And that your job prospects are not exciting? Was he supportive before your df offered this money? Had you talked about saving up for these things?

How would you feel if your dh had a surprise inheritance and decided to keep it all for himself?

gingersausage I'm not explains what you think to you, I'm questioning your outrage at posters on a predominantly feminist oriented site defending a Sahm and your assertion that only financial work has value.

Aderyn19
Of course both parents are equal regardless of who stays home and who works

It still doesn't change the fact that the following is a really shitty attitude:

1. DH earns money and his wage is family money (true and reasonable)
2. DH gets bonuses and that is also family money (true and probably reasonable if there's nothing additional behind the scenes)
3. There's no point me working part time because MY salary would only cover childcare (so seeks separate to the family pot conveniently)
4. When my dad gets me a car then that's MY car though because it's a gift
5. When I want surgery and my dad gives me money for it then that's also MINE because I had a baby
6. I want to retrain and instead of talking to my DH about it, my dad will give me the money to do what I want to... Because I had a baby and stayed home. Therefore that's up to ME what I do with MY money.
7. When I inherit then that's also MY money and DH has no say in it at all because it's MINE.
8. If anyone comments on how some of 1-7 are reasonable but other are actually quite selfish then I'll remind you all I had a baby, have enabled hi throw around mental health and suicide if anyone questions it.

Money causes issues in relationships and it will cause bigger issues if one person holds such selfish views overall

Someone commented on a thread about SAHP on benefits that somehow on MN being a SAHP on benefits is lazy and selfish but when someone stays home and their partner works suddenly it's sacrifice of the century and everyone should ktoice how noble they are for it. This thread shows they were right.

@Xitt if your mental and physical health is that badly affected, fill your forms in for ESA and PIP.

Hilarious! People get turned down for both for having conditions like autism and heart disease and you think the OP's going to be a shoe-in for needing a tummy tuck?

If you take money from your father to give to your husband to put towards the mortgage or you retraining you will never ever get the surgery. Because once you retrain you have to work and then he won’t want you to take time off work - because who will pay the mortgage?

Have the surgery now. While the offer is there.

Hopefully you’ll divorce your husband long before any inheritance comes along.

So firstly, I absolutely think given your updates, you should spend this money on surgery and perhaps even some therapy

BUT! Your OP is full of your husband 'might' want to spend it on this or that and 'may' want to do something else with it. I don't take from this that he is absolutely against it, but maybe the way it was put to him. From other posts, you have a very (unreasonable in my view) black and white view on YOUR money and perhaps he didn't appreciate being told how it was being spent rather than a deeper conversation about your pain, feelings, low self worth and what this would mean to you - coming to a joint decision that it was the right thing to do.

I do believe you have an unhealthy view of joint money. If he inherited £100k and decided (once you had your surgery) that actually he'd like to use it to retrain as hated his job, therefore the money would go towards a degree, qualifications and living expenses but this would mean cutting back severely and the money would be gone at the end of it....would you unquestionably agree? Or would you suggest that other expenses may be better paid off or the money used in a different way

I say again, I do think it should be used for the purpose but I think you seem quite unilateral in decisions involving YOUR money but expect joint decisions on his?

imo earnings from both partners include bonuses and should be family money - if you have joint finances

.... and the dynamics of your relationship might improve if you take the kind of retraining which makes you more employable at a higher salary, so you can share the load of paid employment

BUT gifts and inheritance - which is just a different type of gift - are for the individual

If I wanted to leave / give part of the money to a relation's OH, then I'd do so specifically

After years on MN, I now know to make sure it's legally tied up to the specific person, if I decide to make a bequest to anyone
Especially if my relation was an SAHP (of either sex) and hence financially very vulnerable

In part or does depend on your financial situation as a family doesn't it?

Brilliant points myfart.
It's a much bigger situation than the tummy tuck.

If the DH wanted to leave his job to retrain and that would mean the OP taking any minimum wage job to facilitate, would she agree or would she be annoyed because they agreed she could stay home and he earns the money (whilst she gets top ups from dad).

Lola of course those things are hers - she was given them by her father, who has every right to spend his money on his daughter. Presents belong to the individual they were given to. If the DH was given a gift of money for a specific purpose, the OP would have no right to appropriate it.

She's not saying she is owed special treatment because she had a baby. She is saying that having a baby caused physical damage, which in turn has resulted in her mental health suffering and she has a right to get that fixed. It is a fact that while both partners get a baby, only one risks their health to have it!

Why not spend the money on retraining and going back to work first (even if your starting salary does go on childcare you will end up contributing to the family pot way more in the long run - that’s what a lot of women take as the upside when the finances are tight on the return to work) then pay for your own tummy tuck.

Retraining is a good way to spend money, plastic or cosmetic surgery for something that hundreds of thousands of women have after childbirth (and cope with fine though they may not be happy with it) is a luxury and should be secondary to retraining.

In which case then her DH's bonus should be all his because it's in addition to his salary and the bonus is a gift from his employer. Though somehow I would imagine the OP wouldn't have that because she had a baby and it's family money and MN would call him financially abusive if he did that.

I actually agree that her DF should pay for the surgery directly and it shouldn't go into the family pot.
I also think that the default for inheritance is it goes to the named person and then the discussion is had in line with how the couple split their finances as there's no set way for things.

HOWEVER, I find her whole attitude to be very much "Anything of DH has to be family pot but anything of mine is all mine". Then you add in that discussions about retraining are being held with her dad and how she can get money from her dad to fund whatever retraining she wants on her time frame, and her DH is expected to sit back, keep paying all the bills, not have anything for himself whilst his wife has whatever she wants to do subbed by her dad. Nobody should question the bigger picture of her unfair attitude to finances because she brings it back to "but the operation is for my mental health and pain" even though the most contentious issue here isn't the surgery.

It's ridiculous.

I've got an apron of skin, OP - from 2 c sections and weight loss. It's grotesque, a constant battle to keep free of infection and even though my GP agrees that it is an issue, there are no NHS funds available. I've looked at going privately and a full abdominoplasty is going to be around £7 to £8k. I don't just want an apronectomy as it won't improve the gap in my stomach muscles.

I can fully understand you wanting to jump at the chance of having it removed. And I kind of feel that if your DH loved you, he'd want you to get it sorted as he knows it's bothering you and at no cost to him.

I'd say there is some jealousy or resentment here towards your Dad, being honest.

Also, the OP spending this money on surgery and retraining isn't going to negatively affect the dh's standard of living. Once she retrains, the family income will improve.
I'm concerned he doesn't want it to improve, that he likes her being dependent.

I'm a sahp. My dh would never consider that he should have a say in what happens to a gift from my parents. Likewise, things his parents bought him are his and not mine. We would have already borrowed the money to pay for my surgery if I was in the OP's position - my husband would consider it a priority. It's worrying that not only does he not consider her health and happiness to be a priority but he objects to her own father considering it to be one!

I'd say there is some jealousy or resentment here towards your Dad, being honest
Standard MN line when anything monetary is discussed. Couldn't be that people have different opinions about different elements of the situation, nope, it has to be that everyone is jealous.

Most people on here have said DF paying for the surgery directly is the best option.
That doesn't mean that commenting on other unfair attitudes to money should be ignored or dismissed as people being jealous.

I find her whole attitude to be very much "Anything of DH has to be family pot but anything of mine is all mine".

Yes this is what I am getting from the OPs posts. If it was purely about her DF giving her money for they tummy tuck and DH objecting then I think everyone would be in agreement that DH is a dick. But that's not the whole story. OP hasn't explained why she doesn't want to share any of her assets with her DH. The car ownership is by the by, many of us have cars in our own name but for family use. I'd like to know if she sold her car then would she treat that money as her own or family money?

Your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work. Why on earth would he object to something that will improve your life and self esteem and ultimately a better life for your family if you retrain and make a career? That's not a supportive partner OP, that's an absolute twat I'm afraid.