Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

Bit on the fence but actually if you're getting constant infections and pain from your stomach and your 'D'H would rather money that could fix your MEDICAL problem (because that's what it is) just sit in the bank account because it's "family" money then he's an arsehole.

He would rather stick to his ownership principles and see you continue to suffer

How does/has your DH supported you so far with these issues?
There’s not much he can do about me having pain and discomfort. He’d like me to return to work when DC gets the free hours at nursery but we haven’t reached that point yet so haven’t made any firm plans. Nor did we have any money to even discuss me retraining. I’ve just been living day to day with no long term goals, which I find quite stressful and upsetting because I’m basically in limbo.

And as a grown woman you shouldn't really be crying in front of your father all the time
My parent provides emotional support when I’m having a particularly bad day. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Can you get a part time job start contributing towards the household?
Yes. Childcare would eat up my salary of course so I still wouldn’t be contributing.

Presumeably the way your body looks doesn't bother your DH
He doesn’t have to live in it.

He may want to discuss the option of more dcs etc
Surely that’s my decision as it’s my body? I don’t want any more.

I deal with NHS applications for cosmetic surgery as my job. Just a word of warning that cosmetic surgery isn't the silver bullet you might think. I'm not saying it won't help but I strongly recommend counselling too.

Wow you’re a SAHM living off your husband’s earnings and you begrudge sharing with him. Bloody good job he doesn’t feel that way or, god forbid you may have to WORK!!!

spend the money on a divorce, he's a knob.

I was with you until you started making comments about the car being yours and future inheritance being only yours. Do you see your DH’a car as joint?

That’s not how a marriage works. You DH gives all his wages (rightly so as you’re a SAHM) and his bonuses to the joint pot, but in the future when you inherit that would be only for you?

You mentioned that your husband can’t afford things that cost thousands. Can you not see how it might leave a bitter taste for him that he gives everything he has to the joint pot and can’t afford luxuries (ie expensive things), yet you get cars etc given to you and insist they aren’t joint?

The money for the surgery/ rertrainibg is for a specific purpose so HIBU about that, but I can see why the whole picture might seem unfair to him.

Fuck me! What the hell is wrong with MNers lately.

Unless there is a major drip feed coming our way, this screams financial abuse from miles away.

Husband worried about feeling as a failure to his wife and that's why he reacted that way? Worried that poor wife is so mentally damaged she needs to short out her depression first because a surgery and retraining won't fix her issues? Seriously?

He doesn't sound like a very considerate and compassionate man. The OP didn't ask for a boob job or lip filers, ffs. She wants to correct injuries caused by giving birth to their child.

What it looks like is the husband doesn't want OP to gain any confidence or independence. He is spitefully jealous. Possibly jealous as well that her dad also has her back and she isn't all alone in the world.

Does he have any redeeming qualities, OP? How does he treat you in general? Does he ever make belittling comments?

A bit harsh Myfeet - presumably OP would quite like to get back to WORK since some of the money will go toward retraining.

OP - ignore terms like "living off your husband's earnings" - you are looking after his dc.

because it meant you saved X amount on not having to buy one, and on buses and him having days where your child needed transport to an appointment.

OP didnt save anything. And is petrol free now? Or insurance?

OP if you are living day to day and have no idea what you want to retain in. Can you not see why your dh would like you to have even thought of how you could make life better for you both?

How long before the pressure is off dh. You have your op, recover, then decide what to retrain in, do the training and THEN find a job?

Its seems to me your father is all for making your life easier, but that's actually making the pressure your husband is under a more long term thing.

If you inherit the house, keep the money invested in your name. Even if you were treating all assets as marital assets, that doesn't mean all money is held in joint accounts. There's nothing wrong with the money being in your name only. Just like your husbands pension (if he has one) is in his name only. In both case the income from these assets can be shared, for as long as you both agree to share money, so in effect you benefit equally financially, without having equal control over the pots.

Myfeet

can you read. She wouldn't contribute because her wage would go on childcare, there would be no profit.

I was about to add my tuppence worth but Nocauserebel has it covered.

you are looking after his dc.

Must have missed where the OP said the chd wasnt hers aswell. Or where she says she desperately didnt want to be a sahm.

*I'd love your DH to talk to your dad about this.
Can you imagine?

DH 'I am not happy with you giving your daughter this money. It should be for me, me, me, too or for me to decide how we spend it.'

Dad: Bugger off, son, it's none of your f...g business what I do with my money. she's my DD and if I want to give her this money to spend on herself, that's my call, not yours.*

I think that's exactly what most parents would say in these circumstances.

I think the biggest issue in this scenario is that husband doesn't want the money spent on the operation. What should happen is that even if you gave all the money to him and told him to decide what to do with it, he should see the operation as the highest priority. How can he not understand how important it is?

This money is a gift from the OP's DF, offered for a specific purpose.

It's not an open ended payment to the OP and her DH.

If her DF had bought her a new coat or a pair of shoes would her DH stamp his foot and insist on having his turn at wearing them as they belong to the family?

Selfish arse; 'I want my share, I might want something too'! There is no share for him. It's a direct gift from a father to his daughter.

Take this very generous gift from your DF OP and have your operation.

Look - having one sahp is an agreement. It means one parent does the childcare, and I imagine most of the housework, shopping etc - while the other earns. It is absolutely not "living off your spouse's earnings" - that would only be the case if there were no children.

Myfeet. Stop being a spiteful twat, she wants to work , she wants to retrain. Try reading the op before jumping in with rubbish

I would consider the car a family car. We have a car each, but if one breaks, we would work out how to share one for a day or so.

Totally agree - surely that's how families work, isn't it? Technically, we each have a car in our own names, but in reality, we have two family cars. The clutch went on 'mine' (the bigger one) just as we arrived back from holiday and we don't have the money to fix it yet, so it's temporarily out of action. Therefore, for the time being, we're both sharing the smaller family car and whoever's need is greater (getting to work etc), they take priority.

Same with earned money and inheritances - why wouldn't you consider them family money if you're in a secure marriage? If it's a lot of money, the likelihood is that it will be spent on something that will ultimately benefit both adults AND the children too.

Men who earn the money whilst their wives are SAHMs of their young children and use that to control her are disgusting, as her valuable contribution is mainly to care for and bring up their joint children - but that doesn't mean that any money that comes via her is therefore automatically hers alone, any more than it means he should automatically never be expected to do any mundane/unpleasant childcare-related tasks in the evenings or weekends.

Money given for a specific purpose is different, though. If OP was crying non-stop and genuinely in pain because of the tummy issue, and her DF offered to buy her an operation to fix it, take the pain away and get her back on her feet again, then of course she should use it for that. Especially as any pain or discomfort caused as a direct result of the pregnancy was related to their JOINT baby.

However, if OP is in a bad place and was crying because life is getting her down generally (maybe also her DH), so her DF offered some money to try and make her happier, to spend how she saw fit - and then her thoughts instantly turned to things specifically for her rather than things that might benefit them all - that's a much greyer area.

I hope I'm wrong, but going on the attitude expressed about the car and any inheritances, I wonder if the OP is wanting to retrain to enable her to work and earn money solely for herself (as SHE has earned it) whilst her DH is still expected to earn all the money to pay for the whole family's needs.

Wow you’re a SAHM living off your husband’s earnings and you begrudge sharing with him. Bloody good job he doesn’t feel that way or, god forbid you may have to WORK!!!

Nasty! The OP has a problem from having been pregnant, something which will never affect men. Her father is offering to solve the problem.

I agree with PP who suggested that your father doesn't give you the money, that instead he pays the bill for the surgery and the retraining.

Well, the money wouldn't be coming in to the family if not being spent on this. So he'd be shooting you in the foot for no apparent reason.

If it was just money he gave you, then suggested that you could spend it on xyz then I could see husband's point more.

The real trouble with having everything in common is that there are only two votes. A financial abuser can effectively veto anything you want to do with what was your own money.

Common funds only work if neither partner is financially irresponsible or abusive. I suspect OP's DH of being the latter.

Likewise where does the money for petrol come from?
From DH’s salary. Which he earns while I’m at home providing free childcare. If he’d prefer to pay me in cash for looking after his child then I’d spend that money on petrol.

you've made it crystal clear that if you inherit your father's house, you have no intention of sharing that good fortune with your partner
I might not want to sell my childhood home. I certainly won’t provide DH with cash to fritter away on luxuries. If I get DF’s house it’s for DC. Not for DH to spend. You could argue that DH is getting half because it’s going to his DC.

OP - tell your DH that your DF has offered to pay for your surgery.

No surgery - no money.

The money doesn't exist for you as a couple - there is no choice of what to spend it on. It is an offer to solve a (rather horrible sounding ) medical issue that happened as a result of pregnancy and childbirth.

Like others, I started off thinking YANBU. The money is coming to you for a specific purpose.

But then follow on comments that all his money, bonus etc goes in to the family pot but you consider a car you were given as solely yours and if your DF passes and leaves you a house then that's also solely yours.
It does read as what's his is mine, what's mine is mine....
That's my thoughts too.

Added that there's talk of if the OP Got a part time job she still wouldn't contribute overall because all her salary would go on childcare. Surely if you have join finances then both wages go in the family pot, childcare comes out of the family pot and whilst there may be no instant boost to the pot each month, the OP is gaining pension contributions, growing earning power, getting her foot in the door and has a chance at adding more later?

What worries me is that there's a chance with the "what's yours is mine, but what's mine is mine" attitude is that the OP will see her wage as her money, but still view her DH's wage as family money.

I think there's a bigger difference in attitudes to unlock here.