Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

If I was your DH I’d leave you and let your dad pick up the tab for all the plastic surgery and training that you want. You expect him to pay for all your family expenses but you consider this extra cash to be entirely yours. It reads very much what’s his is yours and what’s yours is also yours.

I think this is one thread where we very much need to hear the dh's perspective on this before we make a balanced judgement.

FFS. A 'balanced judgement' .Oh come on you are joking?

A parent offers to pay for treatment and training for his DD and we 'need to hear the Hs's side'.

Get away with you.

Thing is your DF isn't just giving you money is he? I take it the offer will be retracted if you say actually can you give DH half? Your DH sounds like a dick sorry.

Not read the whole thread so not sure if this has already been suggested, but if I were I'd discuss this with your dad. Ask him to keep the money and for him to pay for the surgery/retraining directly. Then the money was never in your hands for your husband to needle you about it.

My ExH was like this, anytime I was given a cash gift (never more than a few hundred) he always saw it as 'our' money. Never worked that way when he was given cash though!

Dh has a company car. I have my car in my name but it's still a joint asset and "our" car.

Sounds to me like your dad thinks you need rescuing. Do you need rescuing?

If it's a gift specifically from your father to you for a specific purpose that's exactly what it is.

No, it's not family money, it's a gift.

If you got £10 from a friend on your birthday to spend on some soap for example, would he dive in and take £5 because it's family money? No, probably not.

This gift would be yours. It might be easier if your father paid directly the hospital bills and the course fees, then money isn't actually coming into the house.

I think maybe your husband is looking at this money as you getting early inheritance and he thinks it should be family money.

Clarify with him it's only being given for a specific purpose, it's not money that will appear in your account.

My husband would jump at the chance to have a quick fix to stop me being sad. He would just be happy someone had given me the money to do it.
Its worrying that your DH isn’t seeing it that way.

It sounds like your husband isn't providing for you and so your DF feels the need to step in.
DH provides as best he can but he can’t stretch to things that cost thousands of pounds. That’s not his fault.

Why not get DF to pay directly for the surgery and retraining
I still think DH would see it as me getting a large sum spent on me without sharing. Because I could have asked DF to pay the mortgage instead of the surgeon, for example.

If you keep crying all day, do you think a tummy tuck is going to fix your mental health issues?
Yes. Because I won’t have any more painful yeast infections under the flap of belly and I’ll be able to run after DC without it flapping up and down and getting red and sore. I’ll look normal and be able to wear a swimming costume or fitted clothes.

I'm guessing he doesnt have a similar relationship/opportunity with his family
No, his parents have never given him a penny and prefer to spend on themselves. Which is up to them of course.

DF likes to pay for stuff for his daughter but is making it specific so it can't be shared
The car was for the baby. Not for me. I’ve been standing at bus stops for 20 years and DF never bought me a car. He bought it when I was pregnant so the baby - DH’s baby - wasn’t screaming on long bus journeys and standing at bus stops in the cold. I suppose the car is ours - but DH has a car so he never drives it. He’s just being an arse by insisting it’s ours not mine.

What do you want to retrain in?
No idea. I’d just like to have a job with prospects instead of a zero hour contract. I haven’t thought about it because I couldn’t afford it.

How can your DH begrudge you getting surgery that you need and retraining for your career? I would be very hurt by this and would be seriously questioning the relationship. Or at least looking into a post-nup!

The DF is just giving her money! He didn't offer to pay for surgery and retraining.
He said he was giving her money because he thought it might stop her crying all the time. OP decided she would spend the gift of money on surgery and retraining.

You’re constantly crying to the point your dad is so worried he’s willing to fund a good sized amount to try and help you.

You’re in constant pain due to having your baby and your dad wants to help rectify that.

You actually sound depressed also from being stuck at home and your dads offered to find any retraining to help you back on the career ladder.

And your life partner who should be helping you do the above is being a hindrance? Even tho you’re suffering from the above due to having his child?

Sweetheart, bite your dads hand off, get that procedure done and find a high returns career you can train into.

Then decide why your with a monumental prick who’s wants to ensure you’re stuck at home, in pain, depressed and unable to earn your own money. Someone who wants every last penny spent on you to be given to him instead.

I haven't read the thread, but my 2p worth:-

Assuming you are in England, your DH is wrong to believe that in law your money is his. Any money/asset that is held in your name only belongs to you.

Secondly, this is money given with a condition attached about how it should be used, it would be wrong not to use it for that purpose.

Thirdly, this is a gift to you. Even if you and your DH generally share money, gifts to an individual shouldn't be shared unless the recipient chooses to pass them on. (This really the same as point 2 I suppose, it's respecting the intention of the giver.)

Have your dad pay the surgeon and school directly then get a divorce

Like others, I started off thinking YANBU. The money is coming to you for a specific purpose.

But then follow on comments that all his money, bonus etc goes in to the family pot but you consider a car you were given as solely yours and if your DF passes and leaves you a house then that's also solely yours.

It does read as what's his is mine, what's mine is mine.... I was also given a car by my DPs but it was a 'second car' to help with commutes and I consider very much ours. My GFIL recently passed and left DH a v large sum of money. We both agree this is ours and we have spoken at length on how this should be spent.

However, I also think if your esteem is so bad and there is an opportunity to retrain, I'd hope your DH would be more encouraging on spending it on yourself. With our inheritance, I have insisted a reasonable amount is spent on a treat for DH on something he loves and shared with GFIL.

So for me, I see your attitude to assets and money in your marriage as problematic. But I also think your DH needs to be more supportive.

A loving DH who had your best interests at heart would want you to be happy, OP. He would be more than willing for you to spend a gift of money on pretty much whatever you needed to be happy.

He's being a selfish shit. And if he thinks you're not contributing financially, get him to check out the cost of 24/7 childcare, a cleaner, a cook, gardener etc. You're saving him a fortune!

Can I throw in a curveball on the "retraining"? If that is a specific qualification required for a particular role / promotion, your husband should be supporting it as a benefit for the house. I have however seen enough people claiming that their cupcake decorating / gel nail varnishing / Leith's cookery courses etc are "retraining" when in fact they're almost indulging in a hobby with a vague notion of running something in the future to wonder if he isn't supportive for that reason?

Bartlet
"If I was your DH I’d leave you and let your dad pick up the tab for all the plastic surgery and training that you want."

Well if he takes the two year old with him, the OP can work and easily sort herself out.

I agree that this has been given for a specific purpose and should be used for that. I don't think you can judge this just in isolation, either.

On average, Men pay as little as they can in maintainance. Many walk away completely. Women and then children take the hit from this. We take the hit just for being the ones that get pregnant and then are put in a position of physically running the house. Upper middle to high earners may not, but Women down the ladder do.

In developing countries, Charities started concentrating on investing in Women, because that's how you elevate child poverty and make society better.

The OP has had a life event that's changed her physically, emotionally, mentally and has decreased her earning potential. She deserves this investment. It's an investment for the Family.

In cases of an inheritance being shared, the Men usually want to do something ridiculous with it. It's never invested into the family. But this isn't an inheritance, so completely different scenario.

OP get the TT and think about your future.

Maybe you're crying because you've got an arsehole for a husband? The tummy tuck and retraining might plug a few gaps, but seriously, are you happy with this man as your life partner for the next 50+ years?

He’s just being an arse by insisting it’soursnotmine.

You are also being an arse insisting your things, including the cat and any future inheritance is yours alone.

If you want to keep your assets seperate, you shouldnt have got married or been a sahp.

Given the fact that you have no idea what you want to train in suggests your dad is just giving you a load of cash and you are sat planning on how you would spend it. Ti make you happier. You havent even considered if some of thos money could make family life better.

Normally I am all for sharing money, but in this case it is for a specific thing. If you take it and spend it on something else then your father might not be too happy. If you tell him you are using it to pay off the mortgage then he probably won't give it in the first place.

I suppose the car is ours - but DH has a car so he never drives it. He’s just being an arse by insisting it’s ours not mine.

Doesn't that mean that DH's car is "ours" too?

I agree with him about the car, tbh. I think of cars as belonging to the household, in the same way as the sofa or the cooker, unless one of a couple has some sort of car-related hobby.

I would tell your DH that the car has benefitted the family, because it meant you saved X amount on not having to buy one, and on buses and him having days where your child needed transport to an appointment.
Also I bet he has been driven to places by you.
Get your dad to pay for the surgery direct so the money never hits the account, and tell DH since you do all the childcare and run the house would he like to pay half to someone else to do it so you could work as well, as right now he batters his money for that job.
Ask him if you retrain and bring in 18k a year would that improve his life? As this is what your DF is offering, to help improve both your life's.

Your DF is not giving you money, he’s giving you surgery and training. So there’s no money to dispute.

Ok, I started out thinking that the DH was in the wrong,and technically, he is.

However, the reality here is that he does provide financially for the family, and for those who say that being a SAHM is equal, no it isn’t. And I say that as someone who was a SAHM. It’s great that a parent is able to SAH but that only works if both the couple are on board with that. If for instance the family have financial difficulties with there only being one income then staying at home with DC isn’t a viable prospect, and if one parent is unable/not prepared to work then that does place a high burden on the one who is responsible for bringing in the income.

OP what are your family finances like atm? Do you live a comfortable existence? Or do you spend the income on all the bills every month with there being nothing left? Because IMO that makes a difference.

If for instance you as a family are living comfortably then it’s understandable that your dad might choose to pay for cosmetic surgery/retraining as a gift to you specifically. However if you’re living hand to mouth and your DH is struggling to meet the financial demands of the family on his salary alone then I can absolutely see that if your dad then swooped in and gave you a large sum of money (and let’s be honest here, we’ll be talking tens of thousands, so not a small amount) your DH might feel somewhat resentful if everything earned goes towards supporting the family while you’re being given a large sum to spend on yourself as you choose.

I know nothing about cosmetic surgery, although I would advise to think carefully about it if you’re planning to have more children. However, retraining when you don’t actually know yet what it is you want to do is never going to be a good idea. You need to have a goal in mind first, and then perhaps get your dad to pay for a course. Because there’s a real chance here that he will give you money and it will either be wasted on a course which you decide isn’t for you in the long-run, or that it will purely get swallowed up in whatever it is you want, and if you reach a point of wanting to retrain then you won’t be able to afford it.