Does money gifted to me also belong to DH?

[Xitt]

Pregnancy and weight loss have left me with an apron of skin that’s constantly sore and affects my mobility and self esteem. I need it surgically removed but can’t afford it. Unexpectedly my DF has offered to pay for it. He also wants to pay for me to retrain so I can return to work.

DH and I have had a huge argument because he insists that any money gifted to me by my DF is OUR money because we’re married, so therefore he gets a say in how it’s spent. And maybe he might need some of that money for something. Or he might just not agree with spending it on my tummy tuck and retraining; maybe he’d prefer to pay it off the mortgage. We have joint finances and I’m currently a SAHM so his salary and savings etc is joint money. He thinks it’s unfair that he has to share his money but when I’m gifted some money I’m not sharing.

I sort of see his point but DF has offered this money for a specific purpose. AIBU to think it’s my money for my tummy tuck and retraining, and DH has no say in how it’s spent?

I’m gobsmacked that on a board with a high proportion of feminists, so few people think it’s utterly ridiculous for a grown woman to go running crying to daddy every time she wants something.

What is it about being a SAHM that gives her carte blanche to expect complete financial control over every single penny that comes into the household? The whole guff about “being a SAHM allows the man to work and earn money” yeah allows him to earn money that he then has to spend entirely on the house, the SAHM, the kids...but never on himself. If a woman works full time or part time, the man still manages to earn the same amount doesn’t he, so it’s bollocks that having his wife stay at home “allows” him to earn money. The difference being, when a woman works outside the home, she’s actually contributing financially to this “family” money.

OP, your snidey little comment about your husband expecting a share of your inheritance seems to have gone almost unnoticed too...unfortunately that’s the way it works when you’re married. What’s yours is mine. Except in your case it seems to be “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine too, oh and what’s my dad’s is also mine”. You should probably get a divorce now if you want to protect your inheritance 🙄.

From DH’s salary. Which he earns while I’m at home providing free childcare. If he’d prefer to pay me in cash for looking after his child then I’d spend that money on petrol.

Exactly. I was responding to a poster saying you having a car was you saving money.

I am not saying, petrol shouldn't come from him. I am saying the poster that thinks a buying a car means money is saved cause you sint have to get the bus. Theres still cost attached.

You still wouldn't be contributing?! So who looks after your preschool-age DS then - presumably the 24 hour childcare fairies?! Oh you damn well contribute all right, but it sounds as if that phrase has come stright from your frankly horrible, jealous, money-obsessed DH.

My advice would be to ditch the nasty DH, divorce him well before he can annex every gift or belonging you own, and I'd bet you'll suddenly find you aren't crying and feeling unsupported half so much.

Xitt cosmetic surgery is a luxury though. It's not having bladder or bowel or other birth injuries repaired, a tummy tuck is a luxury procedure.

I was with you up to a point but you do seem to expect everything one way - DH's earnings are shared, including bonuses (fair enough) but any money or expensive utilitarian presents, like a car or a house, which you receive is just yours.

If I’d gifted my daughter an operation to help her self esteem and she used the money to pay off her mortgage or bills, I’d be extremely disappointed xx

gingersausage, but I'm not seeing someone go crying to Daddy because she wants things, I'm seeing a person who is clearly utterly depressed and anxious, with a bastard of an H who is clearly a massive part of the problem, and a parent who is seeing all this and is worried about their daughter trying to do something practical to help them.

So if the car your DF bought you is a family car then your DH's car is a family car too?
Tbh I'd let him call it whatever he liked as it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.
However having said that, My DF bought my DH a works van when we desperately needed the help and I'd never try claim that was a family vehicle as it isn't but it seems like a silly thing to fight over.

You need to get your DF to change his tune. And be firmer about the purposes of the money.

Although again I can see why your DH wants to pay off the mortgage as it would help bring monthly outgoings down and benefit the whole family which might make it easier for you to retrain in a couple of years when you are actually able too.

I'm really shocked your husband is being like this. Your father wants to help his daughter and your husband should want the best for you. It's for the benefit of the the family that you retrain.

I might not want to sell my childhood home. I certainly won’t provide DH with cash to fritter away on luxuries. If I get DF’s house it’s for DC. Not for DH to spend. You could argue that DH is getting half because it’s going to his DC.

The above is again, quite telling. You seem to have made this decision on what would happen here without consulting your DH. The same as with the money coming from DF (which you have clarified is cash regardless of how it's used, not specifically for surgery)

Your DH might consider plastic surgery 'luxury'....

Do you collectively agree how the family pot of money provided by DH is spent?

The crux of this really is your current financial position. If you are very comfortable and can afford luxuries then great and spending the money on yourself is a good idea...but if DH is struggling to provide financially and you can't afford luxuries, holidays etc then I understand DHs POV and your comment above about how potential inheritance might be managed could be questioned

You haven't answered these questions so impossible to tell

But again I say, if you have such terrible self esteem and you are financially comfortable then I would hope your DH encourages spending at least some of that money on yourself

Bloody good job he doesn’t feel that way or, god forbid you may have to WORK!!!
I’d love to work. I don’t currently have access to the kind of job that would make it worthwhile. I’d like to change that.

Xitt cosmetic surgery is a luxury though
I don’t regard it as a luxury when it’s causing me pain and affecting my daily life. Talk about putting things into the family pot - I put a baby and two years of my life in there.

If your tummy is giving you pain and discomfort to the extent it's affecting your mobility, and you're getting repeated yeast infections, then what are the NHS doing about it? Have you seen a GP?

It's for the giver to decide where the money will be spend. Your father is paying for the operation and retraining. He is well in his rights to specify how to use it. You can always refuse taking the money if you don't want to use it the way he wants you to use it.

In this case, your surgery which will help your confidence and your retraining will benefit your family in the medium term.

Get the operation set up and get DF to pay the hospital [etc] direct.

@Xitt

Likewise where does the money for petrol come from?

From DH’s salary. Which he earns while I’m at home providing free childcare. If he’d prefer to pay me in cash for looking after his child then I’d spend that money on petrol.

But that's the whole point of a family partnership - yes, you're looking after HIS child but you're also looking after YOUR child too.

How would you feel if he expected you to feel grateful because he's providing 'free' housing, electricity, food etc. for YOU and YOUR child?

Perhaps I am wrong and have misread (I'm sure someone will correct me ) but I believe OP has clarified that DF has simply given a wade of cash to make her feel better. OP has decided she will spend this on surgery and retraining

Again, not disagreeing DH should be supportive but I do think this seems to be a unilateral decision?

Your husband is a prick. I'd be making an escape plan for further down the road, just in case. So all the more reason to get your stomach problems sorted and retrain now while you have the opportunity.

Honestly, some women think all other women should be fucking martyrs, grateful for any crumbs that their impregnator throws in their direction.

I think some people are making major assumptions about the DH and being a bit harsh here. Comments about him not being a good provider etc. seem unfounded when he is paying all the bills! Is there anything stopping OP doing evening or weekend work if they need extra money as a family?

It is clear that OP sees her car and future inheritance etc. as hers alone yet expects her DH to share all of his money. That is unreasonable.

I think the DF is lovely and generous, and should probably pay directly for the surgery rather than gifting money. It's nice that he wants to do that for his daughter and DH shouldn't begrudge that given OP's feelings on it.

I do think that any other money gifted should be discussed and shared.

Talk about putting things into the family pot - I put a baby and two years of my life in there.
You and DH CHOSE to have a baby.
You and DH CHOSE to have you stay at home.

I totally sympathise with your pain and discomfort, but you can't play the baby card as a get out of jail free for an otherwise quite inequitable attitude to money.

I think your DF should pay for the surgery for you directly if he wants to.

Beyond that, I have sympathy for your DH because your general approach is "what's yours is mine and what's mine is also mine and anything from my Dad is also mine as well and if you say anything then you're a dick because I carried a baby"

Your DF wants to give you money because he loves you and thinks you can spend it in a way that makes you happy. I think your DH should respect this and understand paying off some of the mortgage is unlikely to improve your self esteem.

If the long term benefit of retraining is greater earning power for you (even if not for some years) it is hardly frivoulous.

I write this as the only earner in my household, my husband is a SAHD and I’d prioritise his short and long term happiness over shaving a bit off the mortgage. I’d only feel differently if I was struggling to manage family finances on my own.

If I bought my daughter a car when she was in your situation, I'd expect her to be able to use it, of course, but I'd see it as a family car, too, if her husband also had a car. I can see it would be difficult if her husband didn't have a car and I bought one solely for one person's use.

If my daughter was upset about her body and felt surgery would resolve the problem (and given it's causing health problems then it's pretty clear surgery would help) then I would be furious with her husband if he said that money had to go into the family pot. If the family was destitute it would be different, perhaps, but given their situation I would see it as a gift of surgery, not a family financial gift.

However, OP, I do think you have a very unhealthy attitude to your inheritance. Presumably you will have been married a long time by then - I'd see that as family money (though not for him to throw away.)

Having the apronectomy is a present for that purpose and you DH is quite wrong to suggest it is family money.
Money for retraining could be looked on in the same light ;; I don't understand your DH's attitude. Why doesn't he want you to achieve your goals? Does he have a history of being resentful or jealous of your relationship with your parents? Does he feel as if they are your main bond and he is secondary ?or is he just self centred?
I would be pissed off in your situation.

We don’t have luxuries and holidays. But I’m not prepared to continue suffering every day. I don’t care if we end up living in a cardboard box because the mortgage isn’t paid off. Sorry but my pain comes first for me - if that’s selfish then so be it.

If you're in that much pain what has the GO said about it?

YANBU. This isn't general money. This is money given for a specific purpose. So DH can't spend it on what he fancies.