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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Must I do personal care for DH?

130 replies

nunnun · 19/09/2019 19:27

About once a month my DH will tell me he's got cracked heels and will I stick a plaster on it for him because it's really sore and he can't walk. He also asks me to cut his toenails. It bugs me having to do this - I can't see why he can't do it himself but he says he can't because he's got a pacemaker and it digs in when he bends over. Well, that's bollocks because he's always asked me to do it even before he had the pacemaker fitted! He gets a bit nasty when I object to doing it. Should do it willingly and with a glad heart or WIBU to tell him to sort his own feet out?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/09/2019 22:39

Eww. Feet.

I was all ready to tell you YWBU based on the thread title - I was imagining some sort of bottom-wiping intimate care because your DH was too embarrassed to have a 'stranger' do it, or you couldn't afford the help.

But even then I was veering to saying YANBU because I don't relish that idea, quite frankly.

But in these specific circumstances it seems like a way to demean you.

Find the number of a chiropodist and give it to him for the toenails.

I'd probably stretch to a plaster on the heels, but I'd be wondering WTF he can't just sit in a chair or on the sofa and do it himself.

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 22:40

My DH is fit and well but sometimes asks me to squeeze spots on his back

NOPE!

I know some people enjoy this but I do NOT. It's disgusting! I've told him to book in for a sauna and a body scrub!

NoSquirrels · 19/09/2019 22:40

Find the number of a chiropodist and give it to him for the toenails.

In fact, nah - bollocks. Tell HIM to look up a chiropodist!

NoSquirrels · 19/09/2019 22:44

Also - wow, I am seriously affected by this idea, who knew?! - I am in charge of 3 human people's nails (DC x 2, myself) and 1x dog. (The cats basically take care of themselves). Like FUCK would I take on my DH's! The dog I can't help - no opposable thumbs - but the DC are trainable so I am hoping to make myself redundant in that area. And then when my feet need attention and I physically can't do it any more I'll look up my own chiropodist, thanks very much.

Ewwwwww. Feet!

Walnutwhipster · 19/09/2019 22:49

All feet are nasty but his sound as grim as fuck, not a chance I'd be touching them.

SeaToSki · 19/09/2019 22:53

It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. I cant think what a pacemaker could dig into (if it was correctly placed). Call his bluff and tell him to go and get his pacemaker placement checked... they can slip out of place very occasionally and it is serious if they do.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 19/09/2019 22:54

I would hope DH would do personal care for me if I needed it, as I would him.

bookwormsforever · 19/09/2019 23:06

Why did you do his nails when he was a fit builder?

What personal care does he do for you? Do you feel loved and cherished?

How’s the rest of your relationship?

I think your answers to these will tell us why you feel as you do about his toes...

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 19/09/2019 23:07

caringcarer

The thing is that when people find they need help themselves, it changes their perception of the situation very quickly. After a recent hip replacement I needed a lot more help from DH than ever before. DH was happy to help me.

When we were young DH was in the army and after long marches in the hard boots soldiers wore in those days, I regularly bathed and dressed his feet afterwards.

People who post and say they cannot help their partner with personal care need to assume that they will not ever expect to receive any personal care in return.

I would never do toenails, but would suggest a podiatrist.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 19/09/2019 23:08

It's a wonder any of you lot manage to have sexConfusedGrin

Fifthtimelucky · 19/09/2019 23:09

I find some of these responses extraordinary. Most people's feet aren't grim/disgusting, especially when they have just come out of the shower/bath, which is the sensible time to cut nails.

I used to cut my father's toenails for him when he could no longer do it himself (in his late 80s). I also did my stepmother's. My husband usually does his own, but occasionally I help if asked. I would consider it a huge waste of money to pay someone else to do this.

ermwhatda · 20/09/2019 00:02

we all have our own boundaries, but, sheesh, it's hardly 'slavery' to do something caring for a loved one. Perhaps he actually likes that little bit of practical pampering? Some men like the feeling they're being 'taken care of' by their wife. It's a nurturing thing for them.

I cut my hubby's nails every two weeks, I rub oil in the cuticles, use a little hoof stick, give him a full manicure session. If he does it himself, one hand will invariably be wonky. I'm dying to get my hands on his feet and sort his toes out, but he won't let me: doesn't like his feet being touched.

he does the same for me: if I asked him to do my toes, he'd give it a good go. (I like having a full compliment of toes, though, so wouldn't ask). I often have a sore neck/stiff shoulders, and he'll give me a good kneading when I ask him to, even if he's tired.

some people though, even though they have feet of their own, have been conditioned to see feet as vile, smelly things, I suppose...

EggysMom · 20/09/2019 07:20

some people though, even though they have feet of their own, have been conditioned to see feet as vile, smelly things, I suppose...

I dislike my own feet as much as I dislike other people's feet. I think they are an untidy way to finish off the human body. I haven't been conditioned to think that, it's a personal opinion that I have formed. Feet are grim.

Boysey45 · 20/09/2019 07:30

Seriously it doesn't matter what other people think or would do. Its what you are comfortable with doing. Obviously you are not happy with cutting your DHs toenails and nobody should be forced into doing personal care that they don't want to do. Its your right to refuse.
Tell him your not doing it and why, and direct him to either a foot care practitioner or a chiropodist. It will be around £25-£30 ish for the nails cut and dry skin etc taken off them. If he starts being nasty walk away and if he brings it up again, explain again as above.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 20/09/2019 07:47

I don't even like doing my own feet, because feet are minging. So I pay someone else to do it. I'm certainly not going near my husband's!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/09/2019 11:31

I think they are an untidy way to finish off the human body.

I know !
28 bones + 2 sesamoid bones in each .
More than 100 muscles , ligaments and tendons
4 layers of plantar muscle
All those nerves. All those blood vessels

6000+ steps a day .
Just WFT was God thinking designing that piece of crappy leg finishing appendage Grin

madcatladyforever · 20/09/2019 11:36

I'd be happy to do a partners feet but then I am a podiatrist but if he had this attitude with me I'd tell him to go and see a chiropodist and pay for it.
I don't like being bullied and neither should you. Pacemakers do not affect bending whatsoever, I should know.

FaerieKiss · 20/09/2019 11:53

I would be fine doing this for DH, and more if necessary. He was fine helping me to the loo and changing sanitary towels after my c:section because I was so incapacitated.

easyandy101 · 20/09/2019 12:00

Should he get nasty at your refusal? Obviously not

Can I imagine not helping my OH in a similar situation? Not at all

So, conflicted

AngelsSins · 20/09/2019 12:11

Some rather disingenuous replies here, trying to make out he’s incompacitated when hes clearly not, and ignore the fact that he gets grumpy if OP says no....

Would I pamper some fully capable adult’s feet? Hell no. Is it ok for him to get mad if op says no? Absolutely not.

Damntheman · 20/09/2019 12:12

Ugh no he can do his feet himself. Three of my siblings have pacemakers and all manage to sort out their own feet. If he's getting cracked heels he needs to get a footbath and soak in warm water+apple cider vinegar for a while, then file away the hard skin and wear moisturiser on his feet (under socks) at night. Just like the rest of us..

AngelsSins · 20/09/2019 12:20

I would hope DH would do personal care for me if I needed it, as I would him

What do you mean by if you needed him to? How does OPs husband NEED her to?

Myriade · 20/09/2019 12:33

YANBU
1- because your DH doesnt NEED you to cut his toe nails or put a plaster on. He just wants the attention/have you at his call/play the poor man who is so ill he cant even do simple things such as putting a plaster on. Basicaly pilling on the guilt to get what he wants

2- because you dint want to. Some people might be happy with cutting their prtner's nails. But you are still entitled to not wanting to do something like this.

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/09/2019 13:53

Just no OP you are not BU- you are aware he is not your son and the role of nurse for his rank ailments isn't one he gets for free by virtue of marriage. Trying to bully you into and and being 'nasty' is abusive.

He can see a podiatrist if he wants?

Why is he leaving it to the point it gets to this stage? If he used a cracked heel cream daily it presumably wouldn't be. It's his own responsibility Confused.

Don't entertain this OP you weren't put on this earth to scrub your entitled and rude Dh's rank feet

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 20/09/2019 16:20

Is he on a power and control trip?

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