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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Must I do personal care for DH?

130 replies

nunnun · 19/09/2019 19:27

About once a month my DH will tell me he's got cracked heels and will I stick a plaster on it for him because it's really sore and he can't walk. He also asks me to cut his toenails. It bugs me having to do this - I can't see why he can't do it himself but he says he can't because he's got a pacemaker and it digs in when he bends over. Well, that's bollocks because he's always asked me to do it even before he had the pacemaker fitted! He gets a bit nasty when I object to doing it. Should do it willingly and with a glad heart or WIBU to tell him to sort his own feet out?

OP posts:
Wakeupalready · 19/09/2019 21:21
  1. There are podiatrists/chiropodists for this kind of thing.
  2. If he can't bend over because of his pacemaker, there's a problem with his pacemaker and he should return to his heart specialist .
3.Mobility and flexibility are important as you get older. He should start a gentle stretch class, aqua aerobics, Pilates or something like that. Then he'll be able to bring his feet to him.

YANBU. Get him to stick the cream on a spatula, and rub it into his heels that way.

Sewrainbow · 19/09/2019 21:23

He can get a chiropodist...

Boysey45 · 19/09/2019 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bigfatmoggy · 19/09/2019 21:27

My DH always asks me to shave the back of his neck if we're going somewhere smart, and he hasn't had his haircut recently! (He calls it 'shaving my poll' which doesn't help.....Grin). His Mum always did it when he was at home, apparently.

Now - it's not gross or anything like toenails, but I have to say I do refuse because I AM NOT HIS NURSE!! Surely most men manage this on their own? And as a PP said - who would find someone attractive who can't even manage their own basic bodily functions......?? (Excepting those who genuinely can't, obvs...)

OP - YANBU!

Pikapikachooo · 19/09/2019 21:28

Someone very close to me had an affair with their chiropodist

Not saying you should do his feet BTW just it occurred to me the meaning men place on this foot tending AngryEnvy

Pikapikachooo · 19/09/2019 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quoted a deleted post.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 19/09/2019 21:29

YANBU not to cut his toenails, it isn't worth the risk of cutting his feet by accident, so arrange for a podiatrist to come and make sure he pays for it.

It probably wouldn't be a big deal to put some Flexitol on his heels. Just wear disposable gloves as it is sticky stuff and tell him to be polite about it as well, or he can make other arrangements. It sounds as though his attitude to you is a big part of the problem. Would he reciprocate if you had similar problems?

After a hip replacement my DH put my TED stockings on after my daily shower, although it often meant waiting for him to come home after work to shower. I bought a long handled foot washer to do my feet in the shower so they were nice and clean first. After a short time I was able to do this on my own with a sock aid, which worked well.

I wouldn't have let him cut my nails though and paid for this service because of not being allowed to bend the hip far enough to cut my own in the first 3 months. The surgeon was very clear it was a risk to try and bend my hip more than 90 degrees. The potential pain and injury if the hip dislocated was certainly not worth the risk.

PinkiOcelot · 19/09/2019 21:32

I can’t stand feet. I literally couldn’t do it.

Those days why would you not?! Easy, just couldn’t.

EggysMom · 19/09/2019 21:33

I hate feet. I like to think that when Meatloaf sang that he'd do anything for love (but he won't do that), he was talking about handling other people's feet. I have to cut the nails of our disabled son and he's about reaching the age where his feet are no longer small and cute but instead growing bigger and nobbly ... but persist I must.

alexdgr8 · 19/09/2019 21:36

*Boysey45 Thu 19-Sep-19 21:25:27

When he got nasty I'd do it and then stick the nail scissors right down his nail bed and say my hand slipped.*

I guess this meant to be funny, but am I the only one to find it shocking in its violent imagery and viciousness.
I can understand someone not feeling able to do these tasks but it is not unreasonable to ask. surely if you do not love and respect your partner, you should not be with them, if such request calls up such antipathy. do not partner's try to help each other, feel able to say whatever is on their mind, without such a barrge.
I don't get it. wish I could do anything for my partner. sadly not poss.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 19/09/2019 21:37

Someone very close to me had an affair with their chiropodist

Nooooooo you are so kidding !
I have never ever thought of bonking one of my patients Shock (Even if it wasn't a Disciplinary offence , just no ! )

tierraJ · 19/09/2019 21:38

A) he needs a chiropodist or podiatrist to cut his toenails

B) he needs some manners.

C) he needs to see his cardiologist if his pacemaker is positioned so badly he can't bend over

D) he needs to start doing simple stretches to get more flexible

Pikapikachooo · 19/09/2019 21:41

Sadly yes 70
And yeas that’s didn’t occur to me . We were pretty shocked as it was . One of the biggest shocks of my life ever 😖

BarbariansMum · 19/09/2019 21:43

@Boysey45 you are one sick little fuck.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 19/09/2019 21:51

"alexdgr8"

I suspect the comment is probably just meant to be funny and the problem is seen through the prism of youth. Basically though what is being suggested is a pure assault on a vulnerable person and you are right to call the poster out on this.

The lyrics of the Beatles song "When I'm 64" ring true. We have to change as we get older and might also need help ourselves in the years to come.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 19/09/2019 21:53

@Boysey45 you are one sick little fuck.

Well yes...

Tiresiasmum · 19/09/2019 21:54

If he has difficulty bending because of the pacemaker, he would probably be able to get a chiropadist on the NHS to do his feet regularly. His problems with flexibility may be causing the cracked heels - it'd be better for him to talk to a GP about it, but if he won't talk about it, ring and ask to speak to a GP or nurse at your local practice for advice. If not and you can afford it you could just find a local chiropadist and pay for it. It's ok that he's asking you, but as someone says above. equally fine for you to say no and find another way of helping him. His tetchiness might be to do with frustration about not being able to do it himself, also fears of a loss of intimacy, but there are other ways of being intimate without you doing his feet for him. Hope it works out ok.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/09/2019 21:58

@bigfatmoggy - in fairness to your dh, it is not easy to see the back of your neck, so whilst he could shave it himself, it is easier for someone else to do the job neatly and accurately.

Esspee · 19/09/2019 22:01

He's your husband! I don't understand your problem. Surely you do far more intimate things with him than cutting his nails.

Troels · 19/09/2019 22:03

I'm a nurse I hate feet, they are grim. I won't even do my mothers feet (she told me she did her mothers when she was in a nursing home full massage too), I got her the number of a lovely lady who comes to the house and does them for her.

june2007 · 19/09/2019 22:08

You two are lovers and partners right? You care for each other right? This comes under that heading. If it is regular then good to get a podiatrist as they can give proper care advice and follow up, but otherwise isn't what we do for each other.

Aberhonddu · 19/09/2019 22:15

This thread, the thread that keeps on giving.
Boysey45 funny but cruel and obviously not funny to some
Tragedy Alex not possible to give care any more
Summerbreeze well they may be young
Pkapoo don't go near a chiropodist they'll probably have an affair and you'll be completely shocked, very shocked and might even be shocked.
Wiping someone's arse is fine, their feet are not.
For better or for worse. What about those that didn't marry in Church or didn't marry at all.
I cut my husband's toenails, only if he's had a bath, because the water softens them.
If he got nasty with me because I didn't want to cut them then I'd tell him to cut his own fucking toenails and I'd also tell him I'm not his slave

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/09/2019 22:18

My mother ended up refusing to do this for my dad and he'd plaintively ask my sister and me to help. We took pity on him occasionally.

It's just occured to me to wonder who does it now! My guess is that he goes to a barber who offers mani/pedi (this is A Thing).

VictoriaBun · 19/09/2019 22:23

When I was caring for my mum, I could deal with washing her all over and deal with toilet issues, but 2 things sent me inwardly screaming. Cleaning false teeth and nail cutting 😱

caringcarer · 19/09/2019 22:30

When I had surgery for carpel tunnel in arms my dh wiped my bottom for me as well as cutting up my food and feeding me. He is an angel though. He helped me in shower washing me and my hair and drying me, then dressed me. He put my bra on for me and held knickers out for me to stand in but he pulled them up, then all of my clothes everyday for about two weeks or more and then I gradually started doing more myself once stitches taken out. I was terrified of getting wounds wet or infected and they hurt so much when I tried to use my hands. I would therefore give my dh a pedicure using my foot spa, and cut his toe nails if he asked me to.