To think working when you have a young child is really hard?

[BumbleBee1212]

Just that really, and I only do 3 days a week!

Mornings are hell. DD (15 months), clings to my leg screaming while I try to get ready and out the door. I have no choice but to do hair/ make up and get stuff done which she absolutely hates.

Work is manic because I’ve fit everything into 3 days, I never really have time for a lunch break and I have to rush to nursery straight away to collect DD then get everything done in one hour before bed.

On my days off she’s hard work but I can clean/ cook/ rest while she naps, fit the day around her etc.

Everyone said how important it is to do both but honestly, I talk to more adults when I’m off work and at toddler groups.

How does everyone else manage? Being a SAHM is tempting right now as I only make an extra £400 or so anyway after childcare!

When children are very young it is hard emotionally to leave them in childcare, it is hard to find time to fit everything in and it is hard financially as childcare is expensive. It does get easier as they get older or if you have family to help with childcare. No matter how hard you find it time goes quickly and soon your children will be at school and you will be glad you kept your job.

I find it harder in some ways now they are at school. I can't have my 'day ' with them to balance all the time I am away from them. So the most I can do is have that after school time once or twice a week - which frankly I find HARD WORK. It's not like the toddler days when you can spend the whole day in a park/ at a playgroup and really feel you are spending time with them.

I know - I know - people with toddlers will say that is rosy eyed - but truthfully once they are at school it feels like weeks can go by and you hardly see them.

I always worked full time on night shift.
I would get home, collect them and drop them at school, then go home to bed.
One of the other mums would collect them from school and either my husband would collect them on his way home from work or I would collect them later.
If he was away, which he often was for sometimes months, we would arrange local childcare.
House would be blitzed one afternoon a week on my days off.
I ate at work, kids ate with whoever was looking after them.
Once they reached 11, they went into boarding school, so it wasn't an issue with childcare or housework.

'trauma of childcare' 🙄
Jeez.....how dramatic.

I went back full time when DD was a year old and I became a single parent. It was so hard.

I think ages 5-9 where ok. Now she is 10 and I'm finding it so hard again. She is still too young to take herself to all her clubs and sports and evenings have become such a juggle. I can drive but we only own 1 car. I finish work about 5pm- have to walk 2 miles to the school to pick her up, then 1-3 miles to whatever club is on that evening by 6pm. Club finishes at 7pm, walk home for 7.30pm- somehow we then have to fit in homework, cooking dinner and some quality time before bed at 8.30. I am just so exhausted.

The nursery I used worked out only slightly more costly to pay for five full days instead is four, and also gave the advantage of longer days for the five day block booking. So I paid for the five days, worked four days and had the option to put DS in to nursery on day five while I did chores, even if just for the morning. The longer day also meant I wasn’t dashing around or panicking if I got delayed collecting him. Pp’s have made a good point about sticking with your job as it can be much harder to return after being a SAHM. But it’s hard, constantly tired.

Obviously we could reduce the clubs but most of it is a sport that she is really good at and does competitively so there is lots of training. plus the social aspect is important as she is an OC.

On top of that hormones are kicking in so the emotional need of a parent is higher than ever.

YANBU.

I work 3 1/2 days at the moment. The 1/2 day is from home (and bliss as 13-month-old DS is in nursery, so I get work and house stuff done)

My DH does a lot, he works a short day from home on a Tuesday and picks up DS from nursery (similar to my Friday set-up, but he has flexitime).

He's about I'm the evenings and can/ does do nursery pick up when I need to stay late in the office the two full days DS is in nursery.

But mornings are me. They're exhausting. DS is not cooperative/ wants to play/ cuddle before nursery. Then at drop off, he clings to me and cries (breaking my heart. Yes, I know he's fine 5 minutes later, but it's tough). I have to squeeze in two short pumping sessions in the day at the office (quick 10 mins. But actually my only break sometimes). And then do all my work. My workload does not look much smaller now I'm part-time, than it did when I was full-time.

Nursery is pricey - about £900 a month. But I don't think of just my salary going to this. We have a household income and household costs. DH agrees.

But I do sometimes wish for a more flexible arrangement. Fewer hours? Or more hours, but flexitime/ compressed hours? Or maybe running my own business?

It feels like there's so many options, and whatever line we go down as a family, that's it. I know that's not the case, but I feel almost overwhelmed by it all.

So - back from that tangent - OP YANBU. It is hard.

5:30am - alarm goes off. Jump in the shower
5:45am - out the shower, moisturise, put on makeup and do hair
6:30am- wake up DS (nearly 3), do potty, wash face, have a big cuddle, pop on Andy's dinosaur adventures
6:45am - head downstairs to do coffees, breakfast and make packed lunches
7am- wake up DH, give DS breakfast then get ready
7:20- out the door into the car
8am- drop DS off at childcare
8:20am - I get dropped off to walk the rest of the way. DH continues to work
8:50 - get into work
5:15- leave work, walk to meet DH
5:45- meet DH, get in car
6pm- collect DS
6:30pm- home
7:30pm- bath, book, bed
8:30pm- eat tea
9pm- bed

And repeat. It's exhausting!!!

OP, I will next month be returning to work 3 days a week with a similar 14 month old screaming toddler clinging to my ankle. I was fortunate enough to have a choice and, although I know it will be difficult, I need to do it for my sanity, pension and so that my brain does not atrophy. I have really not coped with the aimlessness of ML so I have chose, what is to me, the lesser evil

Different choices suit different families, financially, short/ long term and emotionally. Some families have more open choices than others.

I worked p/t through the toddler years and that worked well. I needed the break from home life with DCs, I'm not a toddler person. Babies, great. Children, great. But stuck in with a toddler that operates on a totally different timescale and tantrums at this that or anything, or the bolter who has no concept of health and safety is not for me.

I ended up becoming a SAHM after the end of a temporary contract that had been f/t. It was a horrid year, and quite simply, with no external support our family couldn't cope with 2 parents working 100+ hours per week between them. DH was frequently out of the country so I had to be able deal with everything and doing seperate breakfast club/ nursery drop offs and getting into work within 30 mins was tough. He did cover a lot of INSET/ sick and drop-offs when avaliable. Strike action was one of the catalogue that finished me off (many of which were related to my career rather than purely family) Fortunately exam season was over and I had a window to collect DS from school and bring him into work. No other options avaliable to supervise him for 3 hours before after school club finished off. No family. No non-working local friends. No knowledge of who was in his class to play the CF card. Added to that DS hated wrap-around care. It turns out it's due to SNs and the school day drains him enough, without extra hours of being over stimulated in a busy environment. He needs to get home and be alone and quiet.

Logistically my career is relatively simple to pick back up if necessary. Financially and emotionally, it was worth becoming a SAHM... for me and my family. That doesn't mean it's the best choice for others. Sometimes it's worth playing the long game and just riding out a phase.

You talk about struggling to get ready/ get stuff done in gerneral when she’s awake, and usually doing housework etc when she’s napping - maybe that’s something to work on. My DS is the same age - I put him in his cot with a bunch of toys while I get ready in the mornings and when I do housework he’s sat in the living room playing or if he’s a bit restless I put something on the tv that I know he’ll be glued to so he keeps fairly still. His nap time is my ‘me time’, which I need because DH works away a lot, we’ve got no family nearby and like you I work three days a week 7.30 until 5.30.

Yep, bloody difficult at times. I've got a kid the same age and feel the same way. I work full time though, with one day a week working from home, so end up doing my work-from-home stuff every evening until silly o'clock because I spend the day at home with my baby. Don't ask what's happening with the state of the house!

@Frangible
The whole having 30 mins at each end of the day rushing round like a loony, we just had a much more
Relaxed atmosphere at home no snidey comments
Intended I just hate all the feminist crap you spout about me and my
Husband are a team not a separate entities

I've always found it harder the more hours I've worked (have been full time for a few years now), but I feel like a bit of a lone voice on here saying I find it quite easy being at home with the children.

Not read everyone’s comments. I’ve always worked part time. I’ve also always found my days at home much easier than work. Unfortunately I’m finding working with teens even harder than when they were little. It’s a whole level of stress that I wasn’t prepared for.

Golightly

I agree, and so many times I hear on hear that a sahm has chosen this to allow dh career to flourish at the expense of their own. Like we didn't get a choice in the matter and were pressurised by our dh so they could opt out of family life.

Working as a team with equality is what is important, with equal nt meaning both doing the same.

@Frangible
The reason it's the person with the vagina as you put it stays at home rather than the man, is generally because the man tends to earn more.
So clearly it makes sense for the lower earner to stay at home.
It's not always a case of " but the mother should stay home rather than the father". More to do with economics.

Strange how the person with the vagina defaults to SAHP in these mysterious joint decisions which so seldom involve a man staying at home.

Or in our case the lower paid person without a career. Just a job.
The person who wasn't overly fussed about taking a break from work.
My husband was much more well paid and had worked hard for his job/career.

It would have been a different scenario had we both been in his position.

It isn't just economics though, some of us don't want to work post dc and see more value being at home. I don't see how that's so difficult to understand.
Other women put huge value on a career and good for them, it's great they are able to and I support their choice wholeheartedly.
Others work just to put food on the table and pay bills, without it they would starve and be homeless.

We all come from different circumstances, with differing values and choices to be made.

TBH I really can't relate. I find being at work much easier than being on mat leave. The house stays cleaner and tidier and the routine is much easier.

@stuffedpeppers

"personally put more value on being around more and not having a stressful atmosphere at home while they are so young".*
The comments about choosing to put your children first - the implication that working mums do not.

You had an option and chose one - rather than the snidey little comments you go on to make, to justify your choice and sneer at those who did not - why don't you keep them to yourself.*

At no point did I imply that I put my children first and working parents don't.

We put first having a calmer atmosphere at home, and generally having more time without all the rushing about.

No snidey comments here. That's you taking it the wrong way.

I don’t find work easier than being at home with DS - nowhere near. I think people who say that must not have very demanding jobs...

PuffHuffle5 my job is very demanding (social worker) but it ends, I have boundaries and can compartmentalise it. Being a parent is all-consuming, it takes up so much thought all of the time, I can never switch off, I'm always 'mum'. My job is easier, I'm good at it, I'm valued and my boss gives me positive feedback, I get to flourish. I don't feel that about parenting. At work I get to organise my own diary, I'm in charge, I run my caseload. At home I constantly have to take others needs in to consideration, often at the expense of my own (sleep being a major one). Work for me is easier, and more rewarding. I love my kids, but I find the all-consuming nature of being a parent exhausting and feel like I've lost part of myself which I get back in work.

@PuffHuffle5
I found it easier simply because I had a start and finish time and regular breaks, as well as adult conversation.

@Drabrani
It was in relation to why more mums are SAHP rather than father's. It's generally because the father tends to earn more than the mother, hence the economic comment.