To think working when you have a young child is really hard?

[BumbleBee1212]

Just that really, and I only do 3 days a week!

Mornings are hell. DD (15 months), clings to my leg screaming while I try to get ready and out the door. I have no choice but to do hair/ make up and get stuff done which she absolutely hates.

Work is manic because I’ve fit everything into 3 days, I never really have time for a lunch break and I have to rush to nursery straight away to collect DD then get everything done in one hour before bed.

On my days off she’s hard work but I can clean/ cook/ rest while she naps, fit the day around her etc.

Everyone said how important it is to do both but honestly, I talk to more adults when I’m off work and at toddler groups.

How does everyone else manage? Being a SAHM is tempting right now as I only make an extra £400 or so anyway after childcare!

Not for me. We both provide for and look after our children in different ways. We made the decision together to live on one wage for a few years and have one parent stay with the kids. Works for us.

Strange how the person with the vagina defaults to SAHP in these mysterious joint decisions which so seldom involve a man staying at home.

OP - everyone else is surviving just like you - honestly it is hard hard work. For 2 years you exist and living your life is on hold.

At about 3 yrs things become so much easier, they can walk, scooter say what they want/need - being a vet and guessing grunts and screams stops. It is a revelation!

Honestly, everyone struggles you are not alone - but it is not the done thing to say how fecking hard it is because you get the childless whinging that they compensate for you, the SAHM brigade who look down on your parenting skills -you just suck it up.

And one salutary lesson I learnt - my DP left me for the OW ( who was a SAHM mum and had been for 4 years!) I had a job and I was not in the position of trying to get back into the workplace. I was not dependent on him for money and my child care arrangements were supreme - plan, a, b, c ,d, e and fucking f!
Role on 5 years Ex has left OW - who is now in part time extremely low paid work and relying on benefits. She screams at EX that she should have what I have - but we both made choices. I thank god that I am not in her position - 3 DCs, 2 fathers to juggle for contact and making £800pcm on a good month in a very unpredictable job time wise which makes child care a nightmare.

Stick with it you will be better off and so will your child in the long run

It's really hard when you're married to a sexist who thinks working FT is a get out of life card and you're doing all the life work on top of paid employment outside the home, but if you're not married and have sacrificed your earnings and pension contributions to enable a 'partner' to get out of life free, it's downright stupid and financially very unsound.

Yes it is, especially if your job is demanding as well. I found it hardest after coming back to work after 2nd maternity leave, stuck at it for two years but became increasingly stressed and depressed and felt really burned out. I went off to do something completely different for two/three years, working for myself and then contracting, but it took me about two years to recover properly, though I felt much better after leaving my job. I've been fine since but I will never forget how hard it was - probably the hardest time was when my eldest started school.

I've just come to the end of mat leave. I'm self-employed and work from home so that has its benefits as well as its challenges. At the moment, I'm managing to earn a decent amount by working in the evenings when DD goes to bed (I'm incredibly fortunate that she goes to bed at 6.30 and doesn't wake again till the early hours so I can work between about 7-10.30/11) and weekends, without paying for childcare, but it does mean I don't really have much time to just chill as I'm with her all through the day.

Her dad is very hands-on, as he should be, and when he's not at work he'll often take her so I can either get some work bits done or just have a cup of tea and a browse of MN in peace. He also does more than his fair share of housework, but our house is probably a bit untidier than if I as a SAHM. But we are all fed and clothed and mostly clean, so I take that as a win.

I'm not suited to being a stay at home parent I think - I've worked hard to get where I am, I enjoy what I do and perhaps selfishly it's a part of me and my identity I don't want to give up, as well as the money I earn allowing us all to share nice experiences together. We could survive on one wage, but we would have to sacrifice things. But it's hard and perhaps life would be easier as not working. But then I think that would bring its own set of challenges and difficulties, and at the moment I sort of have the best of both worlds (but also the worst in some respects) so I'll just see how it goes.

Strange how the person with the vagina defaults to SAHP in these mysterious joint decisions which so seldom involve a man staying at home

I was the main salary earner and gave DH the option when DDs were younger, but he didn't want to do it, or go part time.

I could never work in the evening. My brain switches off for anything complicated after about 7pm.

Frangible, I felt privileged to be at home and have time with the children I retrained when the youngest started high school and now run my own successful business, I think it’s how you look at your life and what’s important, my kids came first and looking back I am
Glad We made our decision we had such good fun and none of the stress attributed to me working & the trauma of childcare I wouldn’t want that

It is hard. Because the workplace is set up to believe it's always mothers who have to take responsibility for children, so dads are rarely able to get enough flexibility to pick up their share of the responsibilities.

Actually, I've found it harder, not easier, to maintain a career as my children got older, because schools assume the same thing, and that mothers will always be available for random events, requests etc. And because so many other mothers ARE available a lot of the time, it means my children put the pressure on for me to be available too. And I feel like a huge failure when I can't.

You're definitely not alone OP. DS is 13 months and attends nursery full time while we both work 5 days. We have a cleaner, short commutes, no overtime and we split housework, and it's still the hardest thing I've ever done (thanks, nursery germs!).

Dreading the school years, and also the idea of fitting a second child into the mix is terrifying...! But I guess you just figure it out.

I'm just back after my second maternity leave, and also finding the manic nature of balancing work and home life very difficult. I need to leave the house by 7.20am in order to be at my desk at 8, which allows me to leave earlier and pick them both up by 4. Mornings are absolutely chaotic and stressful. Like you, my 14 month old is usually awake at 6ish, so I can't really get ready before he is up for the day (I did try getting up at 5.30 one morning, but I just woke him up earlier so that was fun). We do as much as we can the night before, but it's the jobs that can only be done in the morning that take so much time - cajoling them into their clothes, brushing their teeth, getting some kind of food into them. And then I'm chasing my tail trying to get everything done in work, eating lunch at my desk, running home, cook a decent tea for them, do endless loads of laundry etc. It's exhausting.

I'm hoping things do indeed get easier when they are no longer babies/toddlers, though I appreciate that there are other issues then regarding wrap around child care, school holidays etc.

My DH earns twice what I earn, and does not have the flexibility to start early/finish early etc. It's hard for him to cover days when the kids are home sick etc. So it inevitably falls to me, as my job is more flexible - but it does mean that I fall behind sometimes and feel guilty about not doing enough at work. I do not feel spoiled or privileged, tbh. It's just the way our lives are. We have a mortgage that needs to be paid, and my salary helps to do that. We cannot move somewhere cheaper as our jobs do not exist outside where we currently live.

I have a lot of admiration for stay at home parents. However, if I gave up my job for a few years to stay at home, I would never get back into my field (academia). Never. I've seen it happen to quite a few women in my professional circle. Jobs are like gold dust, especially if you are tied to a particular place for family reasons. Your original job is filled immediately by someone who is very likely to stay in it till retirement, and it's very difficult to stay current and keep up professionally when you are not affiliated to an employer. So, ideas like this: Everyone's family is different and I personally put more value on being around more and not having a stressful atmosphere at home while they are so young. There is plenty of time to teach them the importance of working completely miss the point for many of women, tbh.

I took a half day today, by the way, in case you are wondering why I have time to post on mumsnet. For my twice-yearly hairdressing appointment. I don't do it at the weekend, because the weekend is family time for the most part. Work/life balance is tricky. There are no easy answers.

I work one day a week (sometimes a weekday, sometimes a weekend). Even that one day I find stressful with dropping off and picking up etc! It’s fine at the weekend when DH is home, but in the week I have to navigate between preschool / GPs house etc. I feel very lucky I was able to return to work so part time.

I really enjoy being home with DD (2 and 4 months) - sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is boring, but overall it works best for us. I don’t feel stressed day to day and never feel like I am rushing around.

I’ve given up any hope of promotion in the near future, but it’s a choice we made as a family. It made financial sense for me to stay at home as DH is a much higher earner and we would have struggled on my wage.

"personally put more value on being around more and not having a stressful atmosphere at home while they are so young".
The comments about choosing to put your children first - the implication that working mums do not.

You had an option and chose one - rather than the snidey little comments you go on to make, to justify your choice and sneer at those who did not - why don't you keep them to yourself.

everyone makes choices - no one way is right and no one way is wrong.

OP - you are doing fine!

Same here @HalyardHitch. I'm constantly told I have the best of both worlds it doesn't feel like it sometimes! Especially now that my dc are no longer napping at the same time and enjoy waking up at 5am.

(Oh this thread has me worried. I'm a single mum and wanting to go back to work full-time (been a SAHM for 6 years in December) and their dad is really involved (sees them 5 days out of 7 which includes two overnights). I can't get a part-time job, I've tried so bloody hard.

My kids are 6, 4 and 3 though and I have a dog, I'm worried I will burn out.*

I'm the same. Desperate for work. Envy and respect all mums in work no matter what the job. SAHM for the last 8 years - brought them both up to school age; supported them emotionally when their dad walked out last year, even though I was breaking down myself. Supported youngest through his recent surgery. No one ever has them, it's me every second they're not at school. School pick ups and drop offs are all on foot 2 miles away as I can't afford to run a car.

I just don't see how one low wage can cover childcare in school holidays, inset days, their sick days, mornings and after school. Plus all the living costs and unexpected expenses that crop up. I must be missing something but it hasn't even been mentioned to me by my work coach. It's driving me mad.

Their Dad? off having a new life. In Portugal at the moment with his new gf with all his extra cash. His parents pay his flipping rent! I have no other help.

In due back January ( baby will be 10 months old) I will be returning to do 3 shifts a week but all shifts 12.5 hours long I feel stressed now and not sure it's gonna be feasible , anyone else done long days ( nursing )

It must be hard when they are little, I don't know how some people do it. Their lives are so organised down to 10 mins. I know I could never have managed it.

OP I have only read your posts not the others, sorry, but I wanted to say - if you want to give it up and be a SAHM for another 18 mths (or more) just do it. The point of women being able to work with a young child at home is that it is a CHOICE - and usually either to do with financial constraints or to do with the woman wanting to work. There is a lot of research to show the benefits to the child if a parent is at home f/t in the younger years. Stay at home if you want to and don't worry and be happy. And do some research on benefits to dc first so that you can be assured that you are making an informed choice on their behalf

none of the stress attributed to me working & the trauma of childcare I wouldn’t want that

@Golightly133 -- why would you assume you would have experienced childcare as 'trauma'? Or is it your children you assume would have experienced childcare as 'trauma'?

If you have a choice whether to work or not it comes down to what you value.
I didn't want a career when dc were young, and was a sahm until the eldest left home.
It's given me the opportunity to understand what I want from life and now in my 50's my business is taking off in an industry I left 30 years ago. Luckily I've been able to keep up with changes and as a business owner am not reliant on a cv.
I'm working at a much higher level than the one I left and using new skills I gained when at home.
Having a sahp was mostly my decision but dh has been on board throughout.
He does as much housework and parenting as me though as he's a business owner too, and works from home.

I did make the decision to sahm and it has really fucked my earning power and pension.... so I'm not sure I would do it again... my friends that went back 3 days a week will be substantially better of than me when they retire ...

I have gone back to work but my earning potential is massively less (I was a generic project manager type role ) and I get paid now 2/3 of what I did - not same level role......and even though I am increasing wages my pension will not be great....

I am luckier than those that became SAHM who have ended up divorcing and going back to work as they in general have a much poorer standard of living...

so yes shaking a screaming toddler off is hard....but this is a phase and wont last forever...

In many cases it’s highly inefficient and bad for business

And in many cases you will find PT workers are more productive and take less time off sick. People who work FT often faff around half the week and take more sick leave, pretty bad for business when you are paying them a lot more.

Exactly drabarni - "if you have a choice"

For those who do not, for what ever reason -then sometimes that inability to have a choice is so hard to live with. However, everyone makes a choice and then work on how to make it work for them.

I could not have been a 24/7 SAHM - it would have driven me insane. 4 months off due to an operation a couple of years ago - actually had my DCS asking me to go back to work -they needed space from me!!!!!

No one way is superior to another and everyone values their kids within the parameters they have to work with. One is not better than the other.

I work full time and tbh dont find it difficult BUT that is because my DH pulls his weight and my parents are on hand to help out a lot.

DH and I very rarely have the same days off, so the 3 days that I commute, he has DS for 2 of them and my parents have him for the third. I then do 2 days working at home, where I do childcare pick up and drop off, and 2 days off at the weekend. I've also had to get very good at switching off in the evening and having very clear boundaries that I dont work outside of my working hours, and have my managers on side with that.

I know not everyone else has this level of support though and I cant imagine how I would cope without it. DH would love a different job where we could have weekends off together but it's just not practical with a young child when we need him to be available during the week.

I love people saying one parent stayed at home, because they wanted to spend time with their kids, and that working just didn't work for them.

My response to that is that personally I find that having enough money to pay the mortgage and bills and other outgoings and not going into mountains of debt works best for us, and also for the kids.

Loads of people seemed to assume I was going to work because I was some massive Career Woman, and it was all for the fun of it, when actually I've almost always been the main salary earner even when part time, so we really don't manage very well without me working.