to do something about DH's eating (arfid)

[Gannicusthemannicus]

Since DP was about 3, he has only eaten plain pizza, chips, just anything beige and plain. He does not eat any fruits, veg, or any meat that isn't in a burger or a nugget. He is also very defensive of it, unless I catch him in the right mood so it is very difficult for me to ask questions about it, he says that's just 'how he's always been'. He was diagnosed with mild ASD as a child, mainly based on his eating and when I mention his eating, or we go to an event where they don't serve his foods, I can see he immediately panics about the idea of trying things and will instead not go.

Having seen the interview with the blind teenager on this morning, I am more concerned than ever and I believe he has ARFID, either with or instead of ASD.
I also have a very healthy diet, and was brought up in a strict house where my parents forced me eat everything, and told me kids who were picky had weak parents. I know this isn't true but I worry its making me unsympathetic. On the other hand, I do wonder if its become so bad because no one pushed him to try and just accepted he didn't eat as a child.

I've asked him to take multivitamins but all the help I've seen is for children. How do you get help for an adult with ARFID, or should I just leave him be? I'm so worried that he is cutting years off his life with his diet.

Suggest he speaks to his GP about it. You're worried, he probably is too.

How did you even date him? I couldn't have done it.

I don't think you can intervene, if he doesn't want to address his eating habits then he won't change. Is he this inflexible about other things?

Arfid isn’t just something that he can change. It’s a fear of foods, fear of gagging, being sick, the texture or smell even sometimes colour of food.

He is getting protein (I haven’t tried most meat, only bacon and sausages for a short period as a child, never eaten chicken, fish etc) but if he can have protein shakes like I do they will help. Multivitamins with minerals are a must too.

If you can sneak some veg blended into a pasta sauce (if he will eat sauces but if he finds out he’s likely not to trust you again).

Don’t pressure him. I’ve recently tried two new vegetables and am continuing on with one of them.

Small steps.

I was similar until my mid twenties although I ate peas occasionally and I cant tell you why, will try anything now except some animals but you can help him unless he wants to help himself, must be very hard to live with.

He's a reasonably intelligent adult and you have to respect his choices. You can discuss it with him and encourage him to find help and also encourage him to take supplements but I think that's as far as you can go.

I recently took my 10 year old DS to a psychologist for treatment for ARFID. It has had some success in that now he is willing to try some new foods and is trying something new every day. But it isn’t a cure as such, he still struggles and probably always will.

The psychologist said he was one of the youngest she’d treated and that the average age of those seeking treatment for ARFID is mid twenties+. The key to it though is, does he actually want to change his eating habits?

He is cutting years off his life, and any relationship you have with him needs to proceed on this understanding. Dont be fooled by the "mild asd" diagnosis , he has asd and it will be very difficult for him to change his eating habits as the sensory aversions will remain.

I’m sure some will be horrified at my reply but based on experience I would say this: eating is a fundamental part of every day life. There are health and well-being consequences as well as social issues. Having a life partner with fundamentally different tastes in food and lifestyle to you can be a huge problem. If you add children into the mix it can be the cause of major issues.

You don’t have to spend too long reading posts on MN to see just how many challenges there are as a couple/family. Don’t overlook how big a deal this can be.

I feel for you and your partner, it isn't easy living with someone who has food fears. Generally others think it's silly, stupid, pathetic etc. But, if someone gave you a plate of maggots or something equally rank and expected you to eat them - that is the feeling I get with most foods. Fear and repulsion.

I struggle badly with almost all foods and its a horrible thing to live with. I can't eat out, can't eat food anyone else has prepared, can't eat any processed foods. The sheer fear and panic is truly awful and I have tried over the years to learn to eat more. I have progressed slightly in that I will now make and eat curry and chilli.

It has caused arguments with people who cannot accept its a genuine phobia, trying to make me eat things I can't eat, and this means I'd rather not go out. My children are OK with it once I explained how it started,they are understanding, encouraging and helpful.

Your partner has to be the one who decides he wants things to change. If his fear is similar to mine then just suggesting eating something he's fearful of can cause a lot of anguish. I hope you can also find a way to accept his eating habits aren't likely to change.

My daughter has been diagnosed with arfid, the main issue is they need to want to change - good luck x

I would be worried, too. The key is bringing it up at the right time, and framing it not in a confrontational way but in a 'I'm really worried, I love you and want to spend as much of my life as possible with you'. As said above, he has to have the motivation.

We used the 'tiny tastes' approach for my son, who has sensory processing issues. Over time, t's made a huge, huge difference, and he now has a far wider range of foods he's willing to try.

Without giving it the twee name, would this help your DH? It's simply trying things in the tiniest portion possible - think grain of rice-sized - repeatedly, til they lose the anxiety about it. My son was very surprised to find he likes the taste of mushrooms. (Not as surprised as I was.)

This is me. I never knew there was a name for it. Last year I decided I Had to change. I've tried a few things. To my other half I've not done much and I should do a lot more. Others do not understand how hard it is and the absolute dread in me I feel at trying things. It makes me so anxious and sick and others just do not understand at all. I am trying to help myself and feel very proud of myself but others just don't see it x

Your going to have a right life with him, I'd just wave him bye, bye. Your life will be a nightmare accommodating him and his food choices.

when I mention his eating, or we go to an event where they don't serve his foods, I can see he immediately panics about the idea of trying things and will instead not go.

You need to decide how you are going to manage things as a couple. Why can't he just take 'safe' food along with him when you go out? Are you happy to go to events he doesn't feel comfortable at without him? Is he happy for you to do this? How is this situation currently explained to his friends?

He's an adult, not a project. This is who he is. I have a son with ASD, OCD and ADHD. He's young so we're doing all we can with therapy, medication, OT, etc whilst he is still young and more willing to engage with it all but with someone who's into adulthood like your partner, he has to want to change and take multivits and seek help. You can't 'get help' for him he has to want that help.

He doesn't.

He doesn't have 'mild ASD', it's ASD. He has autism with ARFID.

If you want to live the rest of your life with this, and knowing that sometimes it's quite possible to have autism in your family and so there is an increased likelihood any children you have will have it and it's a spectrum so their functionality may be different, then crack on.

But getting an adult to engage with help and support when they're not 100% on board is nigh on impossible.

Start how you mean to go on. This will be your life.

Boysey45 I'd rather live with food issues than live with someone who has no compassion, empathy or a desire to learn, understand and help.

LionKing . Well done. I fully understand, people often don't see the struggles we go through. You should be proud that you're making progress. x

my DH barely ate anything when I met him (no veg, no cheese, no fish, no sauces, mainly just bread and meat and pasta) and he wanted to change, and he branched out slowly mainly as he wanted to be "normal".

He was about 20 at the time, and his mum is still amazed how I "made" him eat a wide variety of food, but there was no secret. It wasn't me. It was him that decided to change.

I don't think you can change another person, unless they want to change.

And as mentioned above, no surprise our oldest DS also had serious food issues. He eats most things now, but that was achieved with zero pressure, just having the food around him if he wants it it's there. The other day he ate salad with dressing for the first time. It was a creamy onion dressing and he said it tasted like a Big Mac (safe food) so was ok. He's 16 so yes it's been a long path

So basically, what I am saying is don't expect you can change him. But that does not mean he cannot change. but it's up to him.

Can he drink? The right vegetable or fruit juice tasted amazing and juicing was the only way I could get vitamins into my. Son. Favourites are carrot n pineapple and also watermelon and strawberry.... Juicing a pint a day with raise his vitamin levels. Ery quickly. No texture to worry about.

Your son sounds exactly like me when I was younger (I'm 40s now). I was never diagnosed ASD as a child so was just assumed to be a really fussy eater, as I've gotten older I've realised that while I am relatively fussy the majority of my issue isn't around flavour but around texture and routine so have managed to adapt to some degree although my diet is still not what it should be (Things like lettuce in a sandwich would still make me almost vomit ).

I think a key issue to this with your son is likely to be working out exactly what he has issues with and trying to help with that. When I realised texture was a problem I started eating more food that required less chewing and also things that weren't crunchy. Eventually this approach helped me realise that flavours I'd been avoiding I'd not been avoiding because I didn't like the taste but just because I didn't like eating them.

I still take a multi-vitamin daily amongst other supplements and generally I'm in very good health. I don't think you are on a losing battle with this, but you are going to need your Son to be on board and to work with you on it and possibly be prepared to take some small steps that are outside of his comfort zone.

Has he shown no interest in getting better.

I have a severe phobia which affects my life and to some extent everyone else I live with. I went to my GP for help (and got it, in the form of CBT which I had to wait 6 months for).

I felt that my phobia was impacting too much on people around me and also it was driving me mad. I can't imagine how difficult it is to actually live with someone with arfid - it must impact everything! You poor thing, op.

I had a serious problem as a child. I also had very strict parents and even they couldn't make me eat as I had textural issues. I ended up under consultant care for being severely underweight as I would starve rather than eat something I didn't like, which was basically about three things. No meat, no fish, no fruit or veg.

Just giving the background to demonstrate I had food issues. It was me who decided I had to do something when I was about 12 and realised there was nothing i would eat on a restaurant menu and that it was becoming a nightmare.

I went to the GP with my mum and they arranged for me to see someone, can't remember if it was a therapist or nutritionist. They really helped me and now I eat almost everything, though I still have issues with texture.

In the case of food disorders it isn't someone being fussy, it is almost like a phobia. It needs professional intervention but also, for the person in question to want to change. Multivitamins are a good option or even smoothies or fruit juice if you could at least get him to eat them. But it is too much to manage on your own.

Btw, there is no such thing as ‘mild ASD’.

Ultimately, he is not a child and you cannot take on his eating issues as a project or 'get help' for him. He has to decide he wants to change and he has to go and get help for himself. If he won't even engage with you when you try to discuss it, he is not going to engage with any of your attempts to make him eat vegetables and you are qualified to give him the sort of therapy he would almost certainly need. He has a serious phobia and he needs professional help in getting over it - but only he can decide if that's what he wants and if it's important enough to him.

I have to be honest and say that I, personally, absolutely couldn't live with someone who ate like this. We'd just be fundamentally incompatible. Cooking meals, sharing meals with family, trying new foods and going to restaurants are a huge part of my life and I don't think I could be with someone I couldn't have a meal with or cook for. I couldn't sign myself up for a lifetime of only being able to go to events or venues where they serve plain pizza and chicken nuggets and not being able to take my DP to my family's houses for dinner. I just couldn't.

Boysey45 I'd rather live with food issues than live with someone who has no compassion, empathy or a desire to learn, understand and help.

That's your lookout, but there is nothing wrong with a person saying they would not want to live with or have a partner who has this or has any other issue and it doesn't make them a bad person at all. Everyone should have boundaries and dealbreakers and they set those themselves.

You can't help a person who does not want to be helped, either, especially in adulthood.