to do something about DH's eating (arfid)

[Gannicusthemannicus]

Since DP was about 3, he has only eaten plain pizza, chips, just anything beige and plain. He does not eat any fruits, veg, or any meat that isn't in a burger or a nugget. He is also very defensive of it, unless I catch him in the right mood so it is very difficult for me to ask questions about it, he says that's just 'how he's always been'. He was diagnosed with mild ASD as a child, mainly based on his eating and when I mention his eating, or we go to an event where they don't serve his foods, I can see he immediately panics about the idea of trying things and will instead not go.

Having seen the interview with the blind teenager on this morning, I am more concerned than ever and I believe he has ARFID, either with or instead of ASD.
I also have a very healthy diet, and was brought up in a strict house where my parents forced me eat everything, and told me kids who were picky had weak parents. I know this isn't true but I worry its making me unsympathetic. On the other hand, I do wonder if its become so bad because no one pushed him to try and just accepted he didn't eat as a child.

I've asked him to take multivitamins but all the help I've seen is for children. How do you get help for an adult with ARFID, or should I just leave him be? I'm so worried that he is cutting years off his life with his diet.

A friend of mine went on a second date with a man who announced he didn't eat vegetables, ordered a meal (something with chips) and specifically requested no veg. They brought it out with peas, my friend said oh just don't eat the peas if you don't like them and he said he'd have to send the meal back and ask for a fresh one as the peas had contaminated the chips. She didn't see him again, even though they'd had a good non food related first date. I would've done the same

If he wants to get help/change support him in every way you can, if he doesn't I personally wouldn't continue the relationship, it must have a big impact on what you can do/where you can go and my biggest concern would be children picking it up as learned behaviour (whether his is or not).

Boysey45 I'd rather live with food issues than live with someone who has no compassion, empathy or a desire to learn, understand and help.
I’m with you, Foodfears! I never fail to be amazed at the heartlessness of some people. My dh developed oesophageal problems and was vomiting after most things he ate for 3 years. It definitely altered our social lives but I never thought of leaving him over it!

If he doesn't want to change his eating habits can you maybe make smoothies to at least get some nutrition in? There's a good mens multivitamin called Wellman which I give DS who used to eat everything but as a teenager pretty much exists on convenience foods and junk.

I don't know how old your DP is now, but while he might still seem fit and healthy at his age, a poor diet becomes more and more obvious as you get older. Fruit and veg is SO important.

The only thing to do is to get him to see a counsellor, which obviously might be easier said than done. I've seen a counsellor and the thought of going to see them before you've been for the first time is just horrible. But, there are some issues that can only be solved with help, and this needs to be solved. I'm sure you're very supportive, but he needs professional help.

You don't need to live like this. You should be able to go out to eat without having to worry. If he gets the right help, this will honestly be possible in the future.

Would he watch the interview with you?

I think you should try to talk to him about it. If he gets defensive say you are worried, you just want to talk to him and you would like to understand a bit more.

As others have said he needs to want to change for himself. There is help out there but he needs to want it.

I have to say I would find it hard to live with too. DS is fairly fussy and I get frustrated but nothing like your dp.

Is there any way you could work (with him) with the pizzas and try adding some different toppings - or is it strictly Margaritas only? Would tiny bits of meat, veg etc. sprinkled on and mixed in with the cheese and tomato sauce be possible?

My DS has ARFID. The truth is there is very little that can be done. The recent news story is very poorly reported. It focuses on sensationalism and on blame. The truth is that there is very little support for people with ARFID and even when you can access this support it doesn't necessarily help.

This is because ARFID is both poorly understood and has wider roots in stress and anxiety. It is not as if there is a solution out there and your DH is refusing to ask for help.

I would also say that, from my experience, pressure of any kind, even encouragement and praise, makes things worse. One of the leading approaches to ARFID in children, Division of Responsibility, is all about taking off all the pressure. No blaming, no negotiating, no praising, no catering, nothing. Present the food, deconstructed and including 2-3 safe foods and do nothing. If you want this to make a child eat everything it probably won't work, but it does take the pressure off and improves overall well being which may lead to a more open approach to food.

When dealing with an adult, I can't imagine you can suggest anything your DH hasn't thought of yet. It must be embarrassing, stressful and limiting for an adult with ARFID, so I doubt he enjoys it either. There is a wonderful article by an adult with ARFID, i'll try to find it for you, it gives a real insight into how people with ARFID view food.

My mum has ARFID, its a real head fuck to grow up around. I didn't even try anything like curry, chilli, really normal food, til i was in my 20s. I have worked really hard to have a healthy relationship with food but now i'm weaning DD and she's a picky eater and its really affecting me. Food is so emotive.

Do you have children or plan them? If so i would really try and explain how much his eating will affect them

We have a family friend, early 30s, who has a similar diet and only eats the worst crap imaginable. He's now in hospital - has been for around 8/9 weeks, has had a massive section of his colon removed and is in serious trouble. He will have to wear a colostomy bag probably for life - and all because he's never had a healthy diet. He won't touch any fruit or veg, and only eats high calorie high fat processed food.

I don't honestly think I could live with someone who knowingly is doing such damage to themselves. Unless he's willing to take steps to make a change OP, I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of heartache in future.

Is it the taste or the texture that puts him off trying?
When I've been unable to eat solids for medical reasons I have to manage on vitamins, blended sieved soups and yoghurt, thin enough to drink. Would he try those? Yoghurt and kefir is very easy to make at home in a thermos, and you can turn them into shakes.

I couldn't possibly be a good partner for someone with issues around food ( anorexia, ARFID, bulimia etc). Nor do I understand why it's fine not to want a long term relationship with someone who has different musical taste, or who spends/doesnt spent 3 hours a day at the gym, but terrible if you do not chose to share your life with someone a serious, lifelong health condition.

I agree, Barbarian. There is nothing wrong with this being a dealbreaker and it does not make you a bad person. Food is a big part of some peoples' lives and they couldn't cope with someone who is knowingly destroying his/her health and life through food.

Your going to have a right life with him, I'd just wave him bye, bye. Your life will be a nightmare accommodating him and his food choices

Well aren't you a delight?

@ScrimshawTheSecond thankyou. It really is when you want to get help or help yourself. Nobody can force it, it makes it so much worse! Xx

I really hope that the ignorant posters that are judging those with ARFID are lucky enough never to have a child that suffers from this awful condition. Actually I hope for any child’s sake they don’t end up with a parent like you.

My oldest has ARFID and it does impact on his life. It’s horrible to watch him stress over something that should be an enjoyable experience. He turns down invites out with friends if they’re eating in places that can’t accommodate his extremely restrictive diet and hates that he’s like that. Would you judge someone with anorexia or bulimia as harshly?

I really hope that the ignorant posters that are judging those with ARFID are lucky enough never to have a child that suffers from this awful condition. Actually I hope for any child’s sake they don’t end up with a parent like you.

My child is horribly affected by his conditions. Any adult who finds them a dealbreaker isn't for him and welcome to walk, that doesn't make them bad people at all. People can have all sorts of dealbreakers - ARFID, Arsenal supporter, smoker, drinker, gambler, people who's into gaming, person who doesn't like pets, etc. That's life. My job as a parent is to teach him to hopefully manage his conditions as best he can in adulthood because I will not always be here to do so, not judge others for exercising their free choice to say it's a dealbreaker for them to live with. That's their choice. I certainly would not chose to live with it myself had I the option, but that's neither here nor there for me.

Would you judge someone with anorexia or bulimia as harshly?

No, but I wouldn't chose to be in a relationship or live with someone who has those conditions. Similarly, I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who's a big footie fan or into rap music or a weed smoker or a big gamer, etc. That's not judging, that's having your own standards that work for you.

I dont see any judging on this thread @MrG. Just a lot of people telling the OP to think of it as a serious, lifelong condition and encouraging her to view it less as a "project" but rather think about whether its something she wants to accomodate long term.

My 9 year old has arfid.

He hates it, he hates not being able to eat anything that isn’t safe but he can’t. He now can’t even talk about food.

He is now tube fed for 99% of his nutrient because 3 apples a day isn’t enough to keep anyone going.

I couldn't sign myself up for a lifetime of only being able to go to events or venues where they serve plain pizza and chicken nuggets and not being able to take my DP to my family's houses for dinner. I just couldn't.

This ^. He has the diet and eating habits of a four year old. What's that about ?

He's also controlling and selfish. He 'just can't' do what you want but you're expected to do or not do what he wants. Hmmmm

One of my criteria for a partner is that they are easy to feed. OK, not everyone likes all foods but then there's taking the piss.

Ok, now I see someone judging on this thread.

Do people really think that any adult would choose to live like that? It’s not a choice. It’s an eating disorder.

Boysey45 I'd rather live with food issues than live with someone who has no compassion, empathy or a desire to learn, understand and help.

There is a huge difference between compassion (etc) and believing you can improve your partner and fix up their problems for them.

And yes there is no such thing as mild ASC. Children don't get ASC diagnoses just because they have food issues, not even very severe ones. Food might have been the main reason his parents originally asked for him to be assessed (or perhaps that was what they told him so he would understand) but to get a diagnosis he must also have had serious issues around communication, socialising, and rigid thinking.

Just don't disappear down a rabbit hole of "if only I could get him to fix his diet we'd be the perfect couple".

He's an adult so unless he wants to change you can't force him.

You knew this about him before you married him, I doubt I'd have continued dating someone with those sort of eating habits, it would have become quite tedious having our dates at pizza hut. You sound a caring wife, you don't mention DC, if you do have any with him you're going to have a battle on your hands should your children see their dad constantly eating pizza/chips yet they have to eat fish/veg/anything else.

Your going to have a right life with him, I'd just wave him bye, bye. Your life will be a nightmare accommodating him and his food choices

For the record I agree. The whining and tantruming about food will be only the start.

Won't go to an event because they don't serve the kiddie food that this so called adult can eat. WTAF ? So that means you don't get to go either. Fuck that shit.