Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

Don't worry about other people's children. As long as your children are happy, safe and secure, you're doing a great job.

Talented doesn't always mean happy and a long life, think of all the amazing talented famous people and their sad endings, average is normal

I have two kids one is exceptional at maths and is above average at all other subjects, the other is If anything below average and struggles academically. Both been treated the same in terms of attention. I just think it all depends on the child

I was very academic at school and naively assumed my DC would just take after me.
@MyCatsHat, this is also somewhat similar to how I feel. I found school, uni and postgrad really easy (never had to study for an exam more than a couple of hours), and settled in a career where I can often slack, if it is otherwise compensated by moments of brilliance. So in a way, I had never developed a proper work ethic, and I probably deep inside do fear that I simply won't be able to teach by example all these virtues mentioned on the thread to my children - perseverance, effort, resolve etc. - if they lack sheer ability.
Your post was quite eye-opening in some ways. Thank you.

If you have a happy child then it's you who is gifted. Happiness trumps most things at those ages.

My eldest is 21. At primary he was probably above average, nothing special and generally in set 2 at local Comprehensive. Always had to work hard, got good not stellar GCSEs, reasonable A levels and into a decent uni to do a science. He is interested in a very niche career, and applied to do a Placement year in the company that operates that job. Helped by work experience plus his keen interest, he got the placement. He finished a brilliant year earlier in the summer, he worked really hard, showing enthusiasm for the work area and very much impressed his bosses. Whilst he isn’t guaranteed to get into his preferred role after uni, he will have a decent chance. Oh and his work ethic has carried on at uni - he is on target for a first, and will be disappointed if he doesn’t make it (no pressure from us, as long as he does he best).

In contrast, there was a boy ‘F’ who was top of his year at primary, excelled in everything but particularly music. I often felt jealous at how brilliant he was, even though my DS was doing fine. F got top marks at GCSEs, but because he had never had to work, he floundered in first year 6th form. He did ok at A level (but nowhere near what his early ability predicted), went to uni, hated the 3 years, scraped through his exams and finished this year with a low degree. He has no idea what he wants to do, he has no social skills, never done any work or volunteering and his mum wonders whether he will ever hold down a job.

Being the brightest, talented child is not everything. Hard work and effort, plus many other skills including social skills, are just important.

Mine were both ‘gifted and talented’ at junior school. Sadly thats when they peaked, and by the time they left secondary school they were pretty mediocre. The eldest won the year prize for English a few times, but didn’t achieve wonderful exam results. Theyre happy and healthy though, and I realise now that nothing else matters.

I think it might have something to do with them coming from immigrant backgrounds...ime people who emigrate tend to be very driven.
Now I don't just feel as a failure as a parent, but as an immigrant parent too. I do get what you mean though, there is probably some tiger-mothering involved to various extent in all families I mentioned.

Every human being is unique and comes with special gifts. So yes your children are gifted, OP, though it may not be with something you can sum up in a sentence.

Teach them manners, teach them how to be happy, support them to learn and make school seem like a positive place. Keep exposing them to different things to do (they are so tiny!) and let them find a passion. This is the best parenting you can do. I'm at the opposite end of parenting where we all have adults and trust me the genius age 9 at maths - everyone pretty much caught up and they don't like it that much anymore, the budding sports person went to uni and found friends and an interest that takes them in new directions. The all powerful child who aced everything - super anxious, struggling to be happy. It all melts away when they grow up, it all stops being important.

That's it really, I can't stress it enough, by the time they are 25 it doesn't matter anymore, none of it really. Just teach them how to be happy in their own skin and not to need to compare themselves, then love them with everything you have and you've got this.

I agree with highheelsandbobblehats.. they are too young to really be seen in that light. I have experienced sometimes parents highlight only the good part kinda like half-truth. Every kid is unique and you will be amazed in few years with what all they can shine with your support and faith in them. You seem an awesome mom and I say keep exploring the new possibilities with them.

Fully fluent reading a book meant for a 7 year old or child is reading The Times?
Fluently reading chapter books, able to figure out many unknown words from context and failing that - asking adults for help. Not The Times, of course

What does "highest grades" mean? Two grade 8s at 9?
Yes, two grades 8. I am just starting to understand the musical education specifics here in the UK, I was under the impression that this level is usually taken at a much older age (15-16)?

This could be an exaggeration. How old is the child? "Fully proficient at native speaker level" - the level of an adult? or native speaker level of a 5 year old if the child is 5.
At the level of a (highly verbal and articulate) 5 year old, of course. I have one of their languages as my native (so can confirm), and can probably vouch for his proficiency in English, too. The level in the third language I can't objectively assess, but the boy he does not seem to have any difficulties chatting to Dad in it either. It looks from the thread that it is not uncommon, but I was gobsmacked - and no accents in any of the languages, too!

Teach them manners, teach them how to be happy, support them to learn and make school seem like a positive place. Keep exposing them to different things to do (they are so tiny!) and let them find a passion.

YY, this! If I manage half of this, I will be happy.

Being trilingual isn't, globally, so very unusual. It's a nice thing. But (contrary to our insular British expectations) it isn't so much to do with precocity.

I have committed the cardinal sin of Not Reading the Full thread but just wanted to add that even though it sounds impressive, it's nothing special and actually normal for a child to be brilliant at languages. By the time a child is 12 learning new languages gets more difficult.

Btw I read at 2 (apparently) and I haven't set the world on fire with my genius just yet.

I was very gifted and now I’m quite average. It does bug me if I’m honest, I feel I’ve let myself down.

A close friend is an English teacher who tutors children up to the age of 11. She said that the most “high achieving” children usually have pushy parents. The tutoring is often to pass the 11+ exam. Some of these children don’t have much fun in the ways of family days out. Often can’t name different flowers or vegetables, or farm animals.

My own son was “gifted” in maths so was given some extra tuition at school, he did well in the SATs at age 7, top marks. However when he went to Secondary school he was bored as he was so far advanced from this extra tuition. He’s now 30 and doing a second degree to get a specific job but apart from Maths, doesn’t excel in any other subjects.

I think that being “gifted” isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. A well rounded education and some fun family days out is a better way to enjoy childhood.

A 5 year old created an entire comic strip by themselves and used 'conifer trees' in it??
Yes, and without any adult help, encouragement or involvement too (well, I helped her to sharpen pencils, as the pencil sharpener broke and I had to use the good old kitchen knife). We had a play date at our house after school, and I observed it myself. She was my last hope that at least someone I am friends with has a "normal" child! (it is a joke, I will admit that I am a little bit jealous but, obviously, I am very fond of all my friends' children and want them to thrive).

Read the book Innate. Its written by a neuroscientist. It's a real eye opener. Basically says that personality, IQ etc is innate and people are determined by their genes. Parents actually make fairly little impact on how a child will turn out. I have changed the way I parent after reading this book. My job is to educate them on life skills, how to be kind and hopefully they will visit me in my old age. Who they are is determined by their genes not by ballet classes, hot housing etc.

My brother and I were very average kids but have gone on to have fabulous careers/lives whereas some peers from school who were very bright/musical etc have not really done that much with their talents...

Honestly?
Don't underrate healthy and happy. All the talent and opportunities in the world can't give you health and inner happiness really.

Also, I would also say you'e written off a LOT of hobbies at age 4/5! My youngest started dance at 4, hated it and cried all the time. Begged me to go back at 7 and absolutely loving it now! There's a saying 'all children have gifts, they just unwrap them at different times'. That might sound like a facebook meme (it probably was) but I think it has a ring of truth to it.
Be kind to yourself and take the pressure off all of you.

@Teachdeanta
Thanks for the recommendation, sounds like something I'd enjoy reading. Not sure that this makes me feel better though, at least with my parenting efforts there's a chance that there will be a difference.

Basically says that personality, IQ etc is innate and people are determined by their genes.

Are you me?
Everyone I know seems to have kids winning awards, best at sports, most popular etc.
It really gets on my nerves! How can they ALL be the best at what they do? What are they feeding them?!

That's bollocks, though, @teachdeanta.

IQ isn't innate.

If it were, then it would be very obvious, and we'd never have the common situation where parents who aren't very brilliant have very clever children, or where highly intelligent parents have children who are not so intelligent.

I find this argument quite offensive because of the way it tacitly discounts intellectual disability and learning disability. I can't imagine anyone would argue that two very intelligent parents would be incapable of having a child with, say, Down's Syndrome. That child might not be 'bright' in the typical understanding of the term, but to imply that such a child is an anomalous offspring to intelligent parents is very insulting.

Likewise, one might be a highly intelligent parent, carrying traits of genetic conditions such as autism or dyslexia (which are, not incidentally, co-morbid). One might have a child in whom those conditions manifested as a real inability to conform to social expectations of education - and does that mean the child is somehow not 'really' the parent's biological offspring?

I am an immigrant mother where I am and confess that my DCs have all done well academically and are settling well into life after the long years of school and university. My DCs did a lot of different activities, made friends, had busy social lives as teens and also held down part time jobs and/or did a lot of babysitting. They didn't excel at anything other than various school subjects, art in particular for a few of them.

So in a way, I had never developed a proper work ethic, and I probably deep inside do fear that I simply won't be able to teach by example all these virtues mentioned on the thread to my children - perseverance, effort, resolve etc.
From my observation of my own peers at school who have done very well, and what I remember of their lives at home - they all did chores, supported and encouraged by patient parents who were disciplined enough to stick to a routine. Some of them did Girl Guides, some did music, some did Irish dancing. No brilliant achievements there, just children with parents who put in the time to bring them to classes and activities, and importantly, didn't moan about it or let criticism of others or comparison with others creep into their conversations.

From my own experience of getting children to tidy rooms, hoover, tackle a bathroom, even bring out the bin, I am now convinced that this was far more difficult than just doing it all oneself my mum agrees.

Praise effort, not end results, if you want children who are willing to put in the effort. Encourage them to talk about challenges and how they themselves can over come problems.

Do things at home with the DCs and thank them for their contribution.