Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

[Melroses]

I think there is a lot to be gained from learning to love your children as they are, in the moment.

School and stuff is only a small part of life, in the grand scheme of things, and you are their parent for all of it.

[TheNavigator]

This thread makes me think of a lovely poem by Philip Larkin called Born Yesterday. It is basically about finding happiness easier if you are not thrown of course by being wildly beautiful or talented - and surely we all want happiness for our children more than anythign else? Here it is:

Tightly-folded bud,
I have wished you something
None of the others would:
Not the usual stuff
About being beautiful,
Or running off a spring
Of innocence and love —
They will all wish you that,
And should it prove possible,
Well, you’re a lucky girl.

But if it shouldn’t, then
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull —
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.

[Puzzledbyart]

I am genuinely impressed by all the responses, having skim read the thread after the usual evening chores, and will make sure to reply to main points raised individually now. Just wanted to say that I really did not want to offend anyone with a SEN or seriously ill DC - I re-read my OP and I don't like myself how shallow it is. As I said, 99% of the time I am just enjoying my children and am very grateful for them, but it is that 1% that sometimes makes me think if I am doing my best. I don't know their school friends that well (working long hours / full time until very recently, and a full-time single parent too), so the only reference frame I have is my own friendship circle - which obviously has a selection bias too.

[ChopinIn10Minuets]

My nephew may be Harvard bound... his parents have put so much effort into him, though. Not hot-housing, but never allowed to watch TV, hyper sincere about fixing the world.

I just... don't have anything in common.

And the problem with being that type of child is, nobody else has anything in common with you either. Or if they do, they're the competitive sort who are always trying to outscore you.

I ended up wishing I'd been allowed to watch more Grange Hill as a kid. It would have made for more comfortable breaktimes.

Find some new friends OP. Ones who don't parade their kids like trophies.

[Sipperskipper]

I was reading fluently at age 3. Am nearly 34 now and pretty average (but I can read very fast!) and in a professional but not massively academic job.

[Puzzledbyart]

@minababelina
I am not a native, or even a particularly fluent, English speaker, but I could not get my children to speak my mother tongue to the same level as parents of this trilingual child did (one language from Mum + one from Dad + English), and all very different language groups too (think Russian, Hindi and English). That's why I was thoroughly impressed by that.

[Bluntness100]

You cannot tell a child's intelligence levels at four or five, unless in exceptional circumstances. You don't know your child's abilities. Right now it's about how much you've coached them

Please don't label them. Encourage them to be the best they can be. Whatever that is,

But their abilities right now are more a reflection on you than them.

[QueenoftheNowhereverse]

my brother and I were both in ‘Gifted’ programmes in the late eighties / early nineties. Both got scholarships etc, my DSis was cleverest just not as good as us. She’s the success story based on income (although she’s shit at managing her money). My DBro and I have good jobs, happy marriages etc but haven’t exactly set the world alight with our brilliance.
Short story, intellectual superpowers be damned, you want healthy, well adjusted children who grow into good adults.

[Puzzledbyart]

I'm most proud of the comments I used to receive when they were little about how well mannered and sociable they were.

Can't boast any outstanding successes on the good manners front too, mine can be an unruly lot sometimes.

[corythatwas]

Ds' cousin was one of the special ones. Extremely well behaved as a child, clever with his hands, good at sports, musically gifted, top marks in all subjects, speaks 3 languages fluently despite having grown up in a monolingual family. Was also unusually mature from an early age. Golden boy.

Ds struggled with basic skills as a child, had to have extra support at school to read and write, was unusually clumsy, never got picked for his football team, failed his maths GCSE 3 times (passed the fourth), had no discernible musical, artistic or practical talent. Had a chance to try all sorts of hobbies but never found anything he either enjoyed or did well. Didn't seem to get much enjoyment out of life as a preteen/early teenager.

Cousin has just come back from a year at Vienna conservatoire where (among other things) he got to perform at Schonbrunn. Ds is working at KFC.

But- they are both pleasant and decent young men who get a good deal of pleasure out of each other's company. Any attempt to console myself by thinking that cousin has got to come a cropper sooner or later or that ds had to be pushed to find a hidden talent would not have achieved as much as just keeping my head down and enjoying them both did.

[ChickenyChick]

DrCoconut, have you ever thought how weird (and competitive) your mum was in wanting to catch that little boy out? Whose benefit was that for, really?

If someone claims their child is gifted, i’d just say ”wow, amazing” and leave them to it.

[Puzzledbyart]

Any chance you live in the London borough of Richmond atall? Every other kid here seems to have a "talent!"
Not me, but, bizarrely, two of the families mentioned in the OP do.

[Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah]

I come across some exceptional kids at our local music school. School friends have frighteningly bright kids. Mine? Totally average. It’s attitude that gets you places though, not aptitude. My DD’s are going to be fine

[W0rriedMum]

The problem with promoting a child's talent early is that puberty happens or they hit Secondary where the competition is much tougher. If a child has built their ego around being best at Maths/great at swimming/very artistic and something happens to shake that, it can be devastating.
It's a fine balance between giving them opportunities and messing up their sense of self-worth.

[Puzzledbyart]

My 3 year old little Mr is very talented at running off and screaming. My god he'd pass the horror film audition every time.

This milestone has been achieved here too, twice. Not boasting or anything, but both of mine aced it shortly after they made their first step.

[OhTheRoses]

I was regarded as a pedestrian child. Rather mediocre, shit at games, shit at art, shit at music. Passable O'Levels, passable A'Levels. Mediocre red brick uni and dropped out.

Bloody loved work and was good at it. Nearly 60, two careers. Got near the top in both. Not bad for an acadwmic failurw

[mathanxiety]

Don't worry OP, and don't feel bad.

It's the ability to put in effort that counts, and the resilience to keep on trying despite setbacks.

That is, academically speaking.

What matters most of all is kindness, openness to new experiences and to new points of view, and self respect.

Thank you to TheNavigator for that wonderful poem.

I was thinking of 'A prayer for my Daughter' by Yeats.
O may she live like some green laurel
Rooted in one dear perpetual place..

[ImNotYourGranny]

I think it all evens out in the end. My DS is very advanced with maths and has been having maths lessons at the secondary school since he was 4 and he's fluent in 2 languages. But at 6, nearly 7, he can't use a knife and fork and still eats with his fingers. He can't write as he can only hold a pencil in his fist. Musically he's tone deaf. And he loves sport but doesn't yet realise that he's rubbish at it.

[GotRearEnded]

Sometimes G&T kids get very bored at schools as there's not enough to challenge them. So it can be a curse rather than a blessing.

My two didn't really develop any hobbies / talents - and by talents I just mean they're good at something, not super duper amazing and the best at that something - until they were much much older.

DS2 age 12 started piano recently and discovered he really enjoys it and because he enjoys it he's playing it a lot so is becoming good at it. DS1 played cello for years and never enjoyed playing it so never became good at it. Enjoyment and regular practice are what's really behind a lot of talent. You can't make a child enjoy an activity, you can only introduce them to a variety of activities during their childhood and see if anything sticks!

[Tabitha005]

As someone else has already said; 'I wouldn't believe too much of what parents say about their children'.

I'm constantly amazed by what some of my friends think is incredible about their decidedly average kids. One of them is being fettered as the next big thing in showbusiness (at a vast cost) and she's about as 'talented' as any other precocious, over-indulged teenage girl who can hold a vague note.

Another was touted as a mathematics and science genius since he was about three - and he's just failed his GCSEs in spectacular style (which, secretly, I think will do him more good than harm as he's a way better guitarist than he is engineer or scientist, imho).

[DrCoconut]

There was possibly an element of competition in the neighbourhood. I remember playing the violin for people to show them my progress. They probably tried to catch me out by asking me to play something I didn't know. I don't get involved in that kind of thing with my own kids. I didn't "achieve my potential" after leaving home, but I lived, and learned about the real world from outside the bubble of music exams and speech day prizes.

[thetoddleratemyhomework]

OP, this podcast is brilliant and may put your mind at ease - people are obsessed with early specialisation, but in most cases it doesn't work out

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07h3bw0

[Puzzledbyart]

You need more chilled out normal (less pushy / boastful) friends!
I don't know how pushy they are with their children, but they are not boastful at all, I happen to learn about their children's achievements in the natural course of events, not from the facebook hall of fame. E.g. learned about the sport kid because mum had to come and use my sewing machine late at night, as the "lucky" sports underpants somehow tore the night before the competition. I mean, I knew that he was into this particular sport, but never realised the level.

[NotQuiteUsual]

I have pretty average academically children. But they have the most amazing perspective. The world is an incredible place through their eyes and I'm blessed to share it with them. They have so many beautiful little talents that only I am lucky enough to get to see.

[Afternooninthepark]

Ds has two very gifted friends (with very pushy parents) but they are both very strange kids (13 now and have been this way since small children) and as talented and gifted as they are they have absolutely no people/social skills. Ds on the other hand hates school and doesn’t do that well academically but loves engaging with people and all of my adult friends love him as he has always been great with them. His talented friends never engage in any conversation with us adults.