Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

[june2007]

I disagree with the idea that every one has some secret talent. If this is the casr I have never found it and neither have my children, however that doesn't mean they can't enjoy, music, sport, craft what ever it is. Not everyone is going to get a gold medel. And some have to work harder then others.

[Yaflamingalah]

I’ve always been happy with my mantra of “I’m not trying to raise geniuses, just happy, well adjusted children”. My children are bright, happy, healthy and love learning but thankfully pretty average.

[AlunWynsKnee]

Dd's on the equivalent of the G&T register at her school but she has autism so that isn't a bed of roses for her.
DS on the other hand is average at school, isn't bothered about sports or music but he does have a way with people, is always in the middle of a group and generally has a lot of fun. That's his talent and it will serve him well in life!

[makingmammaries]

OP, my kids grew up in a bilingual household and attend school in a third language. I’m a professional linguist, as it happens. And I have to break it to you that no child is fully trilingual at age-appropriate native speaker level in all three languages. Sounds like there is some competitive bragging going on, and I’ll bet your kids are just fine.

[FoxSake]

We had lots of this pre year 7 and much less post year 7 when the chips are down and other things come into play. IME the worst thing you can do is shout about how gifted your children are it generally bites you on the arse. Enjoy them as they are.

[StormBaby]

I have two very average children, underachievers if anything academically, and one SEN child who is genuinely gifted, but really, will it get him anywhere? I doubt it. I'm just happy when they're happy

[AnnaMariaDreams]

DS is fairly average. Achieving expectations, interested and quite bright but not top in anything. Unless there’s a Lego/ Playmobil/ Romans/ Egyptians/ Harry Potter prize which he would take
I’m very proud of him though. He’s kind and polite - far more important than being G&T IMO.

[73Sunglasslover]

God I so know where you're coming from. I remember talking to friends about this (we have 2 average children) and the consensus seemed to be 'they will find their 'thing' someday'. I think that was supposed to be comforting, but it really wasn't - they have no 'thing' and I realised that neither do I and neither does their very average dad!

I think the idea that we will all find what we are fabulous at one day is actually really pressurising and it's much better to accept that some people (maybe many people??) will never be fabulous at anything at all.

Many of my friends are very average too which I DO find comforting! (as in, I don't care)

[BelindasGleeTeam]

I'm trying to raise kids who try hard. Who realise working hard is what's important because that'll mean you get somewhere. It's not about innate talent.

As it turns out the eldest is the kindest, loveliest kid. He's a real gent. I'm so proud who he is..

His sister is far 'smarter' in many respects but she lacks his ability to read people and get on with everyone in her class and from any age/background, which DS has.

I suspect he won't achieve as much academically but will go further in life.

[GlasshouseStoneThrower]

Your children sound totally normal, I think you just have a circle of friends with unusually gifted and talented children!

It doesn't mean your kids won't be healthy, happy and successful in their own right, and it certainly doesn't mean you have failed as a parent!

[Armadillostoes]

Being gifted and talented as a child is no guarantee of living a happy life, or even a "successful" one (whatever that means). Added to which, your children are far too young for it to be clear whether or not they will have an outstanding flare in some particular field.

[Passthecherrycoke]

OP I think your children would be too young for a lot of the classes you’ve tried? Maybe try again over the next few years

[HollyGoLoudly1]

A 5 year old created an entire comic strip by themselves and used 'conifer trees' in it?? I echo other PPs, I'd say your kids sound normal and its the examples of the other children that are quite unusual, especially when concentrated in the same friendship group!

[ragged]

My nephew may be Harvard bound... his parents have put so much effort into him, though. Not hot-housing, but never allowed to watch TV, hyper sincere about fixing the world.

I just... don't have anything in common.

[FenellaMaxwell]

Like @AngelicInnocent - my DS is trilingual, and extremely bright. He also has a heart defect. I’d far rather he was normal in all respects.

[81Byerley]

Most of us are average all our lives , and there's nothing wrong with that. Do you know what people talked about when my friend died? Not about his achievements, his career, his exam results. They said he was a gentle man. A gentleman in the true sense of the word. They talked about his kindness, and his loyalty to friends. He'd actually been a talented engineer, but none of us thought about that. We thought about the terrible loss to the world, of a kind and gentle man.

Teach your children to watch out for and be kind to the lonely child in their class, to stand up to the bullies on behalf of other people, Those achievements will be worth far more than how well they can play the tin whistle or how many A levels they get.

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

my dd’s friends are all super clever etc but my little girl is super kind and so generous. So they all have something special. The worst thing you can do is compare. It’s hard not to!

[MustardScreams]

How much time do these parents spend encouraging the talents though? Have the children actually had a childhood?

If a child is truly gifted at something then of course pursue it, but I wonder how many kids are forced to take extra activities so their parents can brag.

[IsobelRae23]

Both my ds are and were on the G&T register. Both refused to go to the extra lessons, as they were happy where they were. I was fine with that. As long as my dc are doing their best and are happy in school/university, I’m not going to insist they attend, if it makes them unhappy. Why should I? So I can show off that they are on there? Brag to friends who’s children aren’t? I hate stuff like that.

As long as a child is doing their best and are happy, they don’t need labels. I’ve been more proud of friends who have children who do struggle in school, and have worked hard and accomplished something that comes easy to my dc. Because I know they have worked so hard for it, and to me these are the kids we should be celebrating at awards night, not the kids where it comes easy, they are lucky enough to have tutors, and have the money to do so many things. Well done to them, but I don’t see it as much of an accomplishment.

Apologies to parents who have very talented children I’m not saying they aren’t worth being celebrated, I just think priorities are sometime wrong.

[SunniDay]

Hi OP,
You sound like a lovely caring mum and so I'm sure you agree with me that our biggest dream for our children is that they can grow into happy independent individuals as grown up?

As someone who has been through some fairly common knocks of life myself I have no greater wish for my kids than to be happy.

I think a G&T kid is no more likely to be happy and in some cases they can be very perfectionist about their own abilities and lack resilience. (I'M not judging G&T - I'd say I have one that is and one that isnt)

In your post you said

"and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything?"

The only thing you need to work hard at helping your kids to be is themselves. So fight hard against the urge to "make" them good at something. The surest thing to make them unhappy and lack confidence and resilience is to not measure up in your eyes.

I mean it when I say I would rather be mum to a happy average Joe than an unhapoy/stressed/depressed (insert highly esteemed job of choice).

Do your best to feel fantastic about themselves for who they are.

[RightYesButNo]

OP, there’s a bunch of VERY popular memes (and Twitter jokes, etc) online about being “naturally” gifted in secondary school and absolutely average as adults because gifted doesn’t mean you naturally learn effort in all areas or life skills, or gifted children struggle because of thinking they were above average for so long. A lot of very successful adults are ones who were completely average as children. So if anything, their children may burn out by 18 and your children may be CEOs... or it may all be twaddle. (Have attached example of just one of the memes.)

[MustardScreams]

Like pp have said, I’d rather have a kind, well-rounded child than one that can read Tolstoy but can’t say please or thank you.

[MissPepper8]

Perhaps they just haven’t found something they are really passionate about yet? Have they tried many hobbies?

This! Also if they do encourage it, be supportive and listen. My parents were absolutely shit at encouraging all of us to engage hobbies and interests.

I was really interested in playing violin as a child but I never got the support from my parents to persue it. I remember getting so frustrated with it and giving it up and it's something I really enjoyed.

[CherryPavlova]

Four and five is usually too young to be exceptional - unless you have a savant.
It’s the age children begin formal training in areas they develop ‘talents’. Few children have talents unless they practice hard and build their skills. Things like musical instruments, tennis and ballet begin about four. Many other ‘talents’ aren’t available quite so young - your average five year old couldn’t pick up a bassoon or French horn let alone play one.
Many immigrant parents do invest heavily in education and value learning and success highly. Immigrants from some cultures have a norm of long hours of learning and ‘talent’ practice. That might mean they excel at piano from a young age, it might mean they spend their evenings being tutored from a young age.
They might be fairly average but they’ve been encouraged to rise to the top through hard work, focusing on one or two areas and determination.
What do you want for your children? Parental involvement and responsibility is the single most important factor in academic or extracurricular success.

[Stompythedinosaur]

Maybe your dc's special talents aren't measured at school. Maybe they are exceptional friends, or unusually kind, or good at gardening, or make up the most creative stories.