Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

Your friends are the unusual ones. I remember having the odd kid in my class at school very good at something in particular but not that many.
It's unlikely they'll all grow up to be fantastic in their special abilities or making something of them.
I remember my art teacher at school saying I wasn't 'artistically gifted' but his idea of artistic only went as far as painting and drawing(being artistic in my opinion isn't just confined to those 2 things) so it depends really upon what standard this register depends upon as well if that makes any sense.
Stop comparing your kids to them. Might also be worth noting whether or not there is an overtly pushy parent in the background somewhere.

Happiness is What we need in life .Not money,not a successful career but happiness .If we are lucky we find a career that gives us this along with friends,partners and children

Whenever I think about this stuff (i have one very normal DS, one pretty advanced) I think about the cohort I went to Oxbridge with as an undergrad many years ago. It was a state school intake college and everyone had been the minority ‚brilliant‘ child at their school. (So i guess like your Friends kids). In our 40s, and compared to many friends acquired since, i’d say that there’s a higher degree of worldly success than average but way higher mental health concerns like anxiety and perfectionism in that group. Happiness hasn’t come easily to many of them. I remember the old saying ‘handsome is as handsome does’ and think - yeah it’s nice to be smart or beautiful or sporty if it leads you to really enjoy something, to give you access to a special opportunity, but if it just makes you angsty, normal is much better for a person. And also, most the very biggest achievers I know were v normal children.

Children develop at different stages, and excel in areas as they mature and grow. I watched my children through primary school, and some of their friends who seemed way ahead of their age eventually levelled out with the rest, and kids who might be seen as ‘average’ shone in other areas as the years went by. I personally don’t think kids can be called average at that age. They’re only just starting their journey of discovery

I was a below average student. Hated school, left with no qualifications. Found a job I was passionate about late in life, got a first class honours degree in the subject at age 40 and a masters at 50.

They're so young, they could yet be marvellous at something!

BUT... healthy happy children regardless of 'talent' are very definitely a success. And talking of talent, just because kids are on the G&T register, it doesn't make a jot of difference, it's not like it goes on a UCAS form or your CV is it?!

Your kids, like all of our kids should aim to be the very best that they can be, and that is going to be different for everyone.

I once got chatting to a lovely old man, he cooed over my newborn and he told me about his daughter. She was gifted, very clever, she'd been asked as a teenager to give talks for MENSA, she worked hard and went on to become a successful lawyer. But. She was also an alcoholic who has never had a steady relationship, her dog had just died and he was worried this would push her back into alcoholism.

As long as my children work hard and are kind to other people as well as themselves then I don't really mind what they do.

A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages

I don't know if this will make tou feel better or worse, but on mumsnet that means your child is about ten years behind everybody else's.

You write " surprisingly" but children from immigrant families are aspirational. We value education.

I haven’t read all of the replies, but I love this question, I can totally empathise, it’s something I often think about when I hear my friends kids numerous successes and talents. Mine are lovely but they don’t excel in any area, and I think exactly as OP has said, that I wonder if I have missed a trick somewhere along the way. I ensure my kids are happy for the successes of others abc happy with everything they achieve. As the song lyrics say “don’t waste time being jealous, the race is long, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, but the only race is with yourself”

You are doubting yourself as a mum, but you shouldn’t - it sounds like you are giving them all the best opportunities to try new things. Don’t benchmark yourself, or your DC, against your circle of friends. Happiness is the goal x

Gifted and talented register is dead and buried so your friends are telling porky pies.
Most of these activities are extra curricular - you reap what you sew. If you put enough effort to one academic, arty or sporty area, you will generally get the results.

4?! Mine were still wetting themselves in public at that age 😂 who the hell is gifted at 4?! Those mums are liars! High achievers now at school, and pretty good at sports etc, most importantly they are well balanced and happy.

YY to that PotteryLottery, and we also remember experiences and emphases in a different education system from the one our DCs deal with, which allows us to have different expectations of their performance and different perceptions of what is challenging, worth spending time and effort on, or part of a coherent whole.

Some immigrants arrive with little or nothing by way of education, but some arrive with post grad degrees and years of experience in their professions. I know Nigerian, Russian, Indian and Irish families whose children have excelled in school thanks to having parents who applied their own systematic approach to the subjects their children were learning. The Russians in particular have their own theory of mathematics pedagogy and are quite disparaging of what they encounter elsewhere, and imo they have a point.

Many immigrants superimpose their own academic expectations as a way to keep their children in touch with the parents' culture and their experience of childhood, and as a way to show the children that their own culture has much to recommend it. It is also done so that when the children see the parents' approach (to mathematics, to writing, to listening closely in class and respcting teachers, for instance) bear fruit the children will trust the 'foreign' parents' as a fixed point of reference.

It's not always aspirational or to do with fitting in 'on steroids'. Sometimes it is done in order to foster the feeling that the children are still yours even though they speak with a different accent from that of the parents, or even a different language, and are clearly going to live a life that is different from the lives of all their forebears.

Op, at 4 and 5 years old my two were just playing with playdough, messing around in the garden and pretending to be dogs. No classes or special talents. They did both ride but only because I had a pony already. I would not have paid for riding lessons at that age. I think your friends are highly unusual!

Maths not math please! We are not American.

Most kids are distinctly average but they are all amazing in their own special way. Work with kids.

your kids are very talented and gifted. All children are. Mine are so exceptional that the world owes me a debt of gratitude for bringing them into this world. My son walked at 9 months, my daughter has given me 3 fabulous grandchildren, how clever is that ? I am gifted and come from a long line of gifted individuals. Mensa folk are jealous of me and mine.

Out of all the musically gifted kids you know OP, 1 out of a thousand, if any will be able to make a career out of it. Same goes for art, ballet (I'd say 0 kids you know); Irish dancing - career prospects are limited money wise. I would say get your kids into swimming (I can't swim and all my kids can and that is like winning a gold medal myself), playing a sport (for team camaraderie and health), art if they like it and stop feeling pressured.

Are your kids happy?

Yes?

Then what's the problem?

I'm 60. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grown up, and have discovered I possess no discernable special talents. I draw a bit. I write a bit. I've not had a career of any type. Just bumbled along from one job to another. I have a wife and three kids who seem to think I'm a decent human being (most of the time). I'm happy (most of the time).

My dad was talented. Seriously clever. Maths genius clever. Very unhappy man who ended his life drinking solidly, alienating everyone around him, pissed off with a world that didn't appreciate him

I'm happy to be unexceptional.

As long as they are happy, who cares? The ability to be content is a very underrated thing. I was perfectly average at that age, and yet ended up going to Oxford Uni, which I guess is the dream the sort of parents you mention have for their kids. Does that make me gifted? Maybe. Did it guarantee me happiness and success? Hell no! What I wish for my kids is that they have good health, happiness in love and the chance to do a job they love.

I suggest you read the subtle art of not giving a fuck!
Nothing wrong with average. That’s why it’s called average!!!
Also it’s okay to yell your kids they’re average, and that you love them just the way they are!!

My Dd is very bright, but she’s only year 2 and there’s no guarantee that will continue. She used to be the tallest in her year, now she’s in the middle. Stuff changes, and none of these ‘achievements’ are reflections on the parents or parenting (although some parents seem to think their bright / talented kid is all down to them).
Raise kids to be happy, work hard and value their friends, be kind. All that is far more important for future happiness then anything else.
I was the bright kid in school - I had a right jolt when I got to uni and didn’t know how to cope with no longer being the brilliant one. Being average is just fine

I was a really bright kid. Was reading fluently at 3. I remember being in reception class and we worked from little workbooks. The class as a whole would be working through pages 1-2 a day, for example, and I would finish most of, if not the whole book in one day. I continued being bright until mid secondary schook when I got in with the wrong crowd and almost failed my gcse's, but with intervention managed to pull it back to acceptable grades, but nowhere near what I was capable of. I went to college as a mature student and excelled, and went to uni and was distinctly average. I have found it hard in some ways. Always being told what brilliant things I could have done and to a point, believing I should have done. Feeling like a bit of a failure, like I wasted my brains. I'm hoping to retrain in something eventually, but in my mid 30s now I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up either. Like many others, being gifted at a young age has meant jack all for me as an adult, except made me feel bad at the way things have turned out.

My daughter is 10 and is distinctly average at school. Dare I say a little below average, although she tries very hard so I can't complain. Her dad was pretty average. Weirdly, I always edpected her to be super bright like me and it's strange to me that she isn't. Having said that, this thread has been really reassuring that she still has plenty of time to catch up and even if she doesnt, it doesn't mean she won't do great things. But also, even if she doesn't, average is just fine. She might even find it happier

Useless at school, seemed at the time no good at anything. Teachers laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a teacher.

Left and for ten years was a labourer, factory worker, then decided to do what I wanted. Got my Cert Ed, then through the Open University got degrees and a Masters, finished as a University Lecturer.

Stayed in the same area as the school I taught in, and you'd be surprised how many 'gifted' children never made it and vice versa.

Give you children love and they'll be fine.