Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

Do you think we'll come to value the academics more in the UK? As Brexit beds in?

Children develop at their own pace. I had a bright DS1 who was the idlest little git on the planet. Never, and I mean never, did a minute’s homework in his own school career. My DH and I pulled our hair out over him but, at 30, he’s fine now. Got a degree and is managing a local charity.

DD2 was away with the fairies until year six. When she was learning to read she used to be sent home an envelope full of words to read. Couldn’t remember some of them from one day to the next. Never got put in the top set. Walked around the playground with her thumb in her mouth in year six. Obviously worked. Got top grade in the eleven plus and ended up with a first in English from a Russel Group University. However, she is anxiety prone and stressed and never thinks she has done well at anything.

You just can’t tell. I really think that being happy is the key to it all.

(And I know from teaching and from talking to my kids’ friends’ parents that the parents of the children you mentioned put horrible pressure on their kids to do well!)

All people develop at different ages. Some talents are harder to see and appreciate. The talent to see another's pain and do something to ease it is hardly ever noticed or thought special but has such an impact on others. Or the talent to make people feel included.

My dad always said success is 90% perspiration and 10%inspiration. Learning how to work hard and not gice up will get you further in life than pure talent. I had an ex who was incredibly talented - really intelligent but he didn't know how to work and was lazy. He blamed everything else for his lack of success.

There will be plenty of kids who are less than average at a lot of things, who would love to make it to the average level. If you have to compare your kids/selves to others, compare with a wider range of abilities than just those who are better, you'll feel a whole lot better!
Also, when I was younger, I would have loved to have been Olympic level at something, now I realise that in order to be that good, I would have had to sacrifice everything else, (sleep, social life, any other hobbies, friends) in order to train, train, train.

Remember the downside for anyone labelled ‘gifted and talented’ at one particular thing is they get pigeonholed as ‘the person who does X’. Must get v boring after a while. Just let your kids choose a variety of interests and praise the efforts as well as achievements in anything they try their hand at. They sound like completely normal and lovely children with exceptionally over achieving peers!

I wonder if the OP refers to our family a bit. Immigrants. Live in the right borough and have a 8.5 year old (not 9) who will soon be Grade 8 in one instrument and not far off in another. Doesn’t sing in the choir.
Yes it comes with hours of practice. Absolutely hours. And he loves it. We are non musical. We have no talent musically. Music is his life. Once he’s home from school he heads straight to practice. It is a part of him, his music. I wouldn’t feel sorry for his childhood. We have made it clear to him that we have no musical expectations though. We expect him to carry on for as long as he enjoys it. But we do facilitate (emotionally, financially, logistically) his musical ambitions. I have another child with no ‘obvious’ talent who suffered a brain injury at birth. All of us, including his brother have cheered every developmental milestone as much as his big brother’s concerts.

MarathonMo Maybe? If the economy gets worse I think more parents will push their DC to do traditional academic subjects.
I'm working on DSs bilingualism so it'll be easier for him to go abroad if he wants!

Please don’t worry about this. A happy average child is just fine. Stop comparing your little ones. They are their own little selves.

Btw my musical DS I am fairly certain is not a genius. He’s VERY hard working and he enjoys music. He doesn’t have perfect pitch and there are others I have met, his age, who are more obviously naturally gifted. For me his work ethic and his obvious love for what he does is enough.

The greatest gift anyone can have is health and happiness.

Please, for the sake of your own sanity and for the well being of your family, stop comparing your kids to anyone else's kids. Celebrate all they are, enjoy them and do your best to be a gift to them.

Never again set out to work out which of your friends has gifted kids, it is not good for you or your kids.

My DC were average but now all 3 of them have become amazing well rounded adults with excellent careers. All in happy relationships, all kind and caring. I am so proud of them. At school there is always that child that gets picked first in sports events. Drama etc but this doesn’t define who you are or will become. All DC are special in their own way, and even if not destined to become the next Shakespeare or Demi’s Rousos, they can be very happy and Lead successful rewarding lives. Try not to stress over what your friends DC can do and just love and care for your children. Give them a happy childhood,support them as much as you can and they will turn out fine.

Just seems odd that people talk about this in their friendship circles. I wouldn't even have known this sort of information about my friends' kids!

It's not really that important imho.

Your kids sound perfectly fine.

Your are the normal happy healthy well balanced ones
Somebody has to have them to go on to be the ones still functioning when the others are having mental health issues addictions and telationship problems from pushy obsessed parents living through their childrens achievements
Doing fun activities classes events hobbies and sports is good
But being forced to attend classes for high achievers every day of the week leads to burnout and brats

i seriously feel your pain. All my friends have amazing kids who are good at everything/something.

I have one with mild asd, dyspraxia, dyslexia, anxiety who performs poorly in everything.
The other is only 4 but so far is average, at best!

Remember most brits only tell good stories; problems or averageness are never brought up.

I have 2 kids - one is naturally 'gifted' bloody good at everything though puts zero effort in (still comes out top in everything annoyingly)otherwise he would be blowing the world apart. My second is regular like everyone else.

Firstly, I don't believe in tutors - if a kid is smart enough to get in to a good school on their own merits then they deserve the place, those children tutored to oblivion will struggle to cope once they get there. But there are plenty of parents who tutor the crap out of their kids from day one and push them to achieve, not for the kids benefit but for their own. I work with children and I can honestly say - those amazing at things kids aren't happy kids - they want to just play and have fun and watch tv but they just go from school to after school teaching. It breaks my heart every day the kids crying and begging not to be sent to another lesson or wishing they could just go home and watch tv with their mum. Yes some kids have a natural talent but most are simply so over taught they just aren't having a regular childhood.

So your kids are regular, happy, enjoying childhood kids!! Be proud they will look back with fondness on growing up and not with resentment. Because I work with over 1000 children and 80% of them are miserable because of parental pressure to succeed from as young as reception age. Kids need to be kids, to play, to love, to climb trees, learn their own boundaries, get muddy, build dens.... they learn so much more from activities than sitting at a desk - lets face it, we hate sitting at desks day in day out as adults and we had the freedom that came with childhood (if you are as old as me and from the 80s) these poor kids are broken before they even get to the work place. Im telling you - a lot of very depressed broken children are going to be hitting therapy and mental health units before they hit 20. They will be burnt out before their time.

Stephen Hendry didn't pick up a snooker cue until he was 13, didn't stop him from becoming a 7 time world champion and dominating snooker during the 90s

My children as 5 and 6. Youngest is asd and developed developmentally so can't write a single thing, can't read at all unlike his peers. The things he does achieve are huge to both him and me though. It's all relative I guess. My eldest isn't especially brilliant at anything. I offered swimming lessons, he said no. He likes to dance so took him to the local dance school. He didn't like it. He's not sporty. He's quire bright, but most importantly he's an incredibly kind, thoughtful, enpathetic, sensitive loyal boy who has impeccable manners, I couldnt be more proud of my children.

I was a Gifted Child (braggy list of fields omitted) and one of the things being Gifted did for me was create a massive feeling that if I wasn't being impressive (making marvellous things, getting awesome grades, reading dull Russians in Y8), I didn't deserve the air I was breathing. As in, literally, if you are not demonstrating your full potential, you are a Disappointment, and Not Good Enough, You Can Do Better Than That. Parents didn't hot-house, even, I got that message from teacher after teacher after teacher. It took me YEARS of therapy to feel loved and accepted within my own skin even if all I'm doing is watching Netflix or fucking something up. Sure it's fun to have an impressive kid who can play three instruments in two languages whilst balancing a biscuit on their nose and riding a unicycle, but it's also probably quite nice for a kid to have a childhood where people aren't expecting them to be excellent all the time.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/09/gifted-children-joan-freeman-psychologist

Read this Op. you may be pleased your DC are average

Read with your kids. The only worthwhile studies have shown this has a huge impact on attainment if done preschool (and after as well). Ignore the parents whose kids are apparently geniuses. By GCSE, they'll have a mindset that they're wonderful and don't need to work hard, whilst your kids get nines for working hard!

The world needs people who are average. Who else will empty the bins, serve McDonald’s, clean toilets and pick fruit.

And here is the thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about being one of those people because they all play a role in our society. If everyone was a surgeon, there would be no one to clean the wards.

One day however you or they will be sitting there and they will suddenly realise that they are incredible at something. It might be academic, it might be a mundane job to everyone else in customer service, it could be how they raise their kids, it could be how they take care of you in your old age.

4 and 5 is a bit early to decide anything.

Don't wish 'gifted' on your children. Read recently about families in this situation. The young people often become isolated, depressed and frustrated, and often lead very unhappy - sometimes shortened - lives. Mental health really suffers.

Help your children explore the world and find their passions. That's a gift you should wish for!

They’re very young. I was very average at that age. Useless at sports, poor fine motor skills, could barely speak English, no musical talent to speak of, quick with maths, no particular hobbies or interests. I bloomed in late high school and did extremely well academically (top 1% in every thing I attempted), won lots of prizes for my artistic hobby, became beautiful etc etc.

My husband was the same. Late bloomer, IQ off the charts, had a brief but successful acting career, did extremely jaw droppingly well at university etc.

We now live a fairly modest (all be it unconventional life).

My kids are similar in age to yours. Also not special in any way. I doubt they’ll grow up to be average though. Weird is in their genetics.