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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh leaving us . Help me see wood for trees please

134 replies

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 12:22

Please help.my husband is leaving us . He is fed up of being nagged and irritated and criticised for years by me. I admit that is exactly what I did . I feel so
Guilty. My husband despiteboth of us working full time never did a tap around the house.his time out of work was his and he didnt contribute to child rearing or any admin . I finish work two to three hours earlier than him so I did it all. His time woth the kids was negative and horrible. He would come home and criticise them generally . He got cursed Nd shouty and aggressive if they didn’t do what they were told straight away. I always intervened as I couldn’t hear the way he spoke to them . He was kind when we were sick and generous at Christmas time and birthdays. He didn’t used engage or play with kids but liked to play on his phone or
Sleep . Kids describe his asmoody cranky and angry . He didn’t like me to make any financial decisions about furniture or clothes etc. I often found that I lied
About purchases and downplayed prices .
I did everything I could
To encourage him to engage with us so this was me
Bagging criticising and undermining him. Now though I feel guilty .. AUBU

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 18/09/2019 13:41

I was an anxious child too, I also had an angry father. God I wish my mum had left him.

You weren't nagging him, you were asking him to step up and be a decent husband and father. I hate the word nagging as it is almost always used about women and is thrown at someone just trying to get their partner to bloody do something they should be doing anyway.

I suspect you will all be healthier and happier without him, even if you don't see that yet

lovelifenow · 18/09/2019 13:42

You're well rid he's doing you a favour, you should be thanking him. Chin up OP, life starts now. Your kids will be so relieved. It's definitely his loss.

winoforever95 · 18/09/2019 13:45

My ex husband said exactly the same to me when he walked out on me and 2 children. Six months later he confessed he'd cheated and that was why he left. By that point I no longer cares as I realised how much better my life was without him and treading on eggshells constantly. He only confessed because I think he saw me doing so well without him and wanted to try and make me feel low and worthless again. It didn't work. Once I got over the first horrendous month after he left where I tried to piece my life back together I have never for one moment wanted him back or wished we were still together. Leaving me, although horrendous at the time, was the best thing he ever did for me.

Purplequalitystreet · 18/09/2019 13:46

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this is the best thing that could happen for you and your children. They don't deserve to grow up in such a tense environment.

Why are you waiting until January? If it's just for "one more christmas" then I'd think again. January can be a depressing time of year and is generally when people spend the most time reflecting on their lives. You might find it more difficult. If you leave now, the kids will have had plenty of time to adjust to their new way of life before Christmas rolls around. Of course, if there are other reasons, then ignore me! However, I would advise you to speak to a solicitor now and if you have any joint bank accounts, speak to the bank so he can't clear the lot into his own name.

StormTreader · 18/09/2019 13:48

He expected you to beg him to stay and promise to never ask him to do anything ever again.

He'll be shitting himself at the thought that he might have accidentally ended the gravy train of being catered to by you. Expect a "generous offer to overlook your faults and stay because you need him/for the kids" fairly soon.

tizzybell · 18/09/2019 13:52

Don't feel guilty, this man sounds a lot like my dad. Away all day then ruins the atmosphere when he gets home

I love my father but the best thing my mum ever did was getting rid of him! You can do it OP x

BeyondMyWits · 18/09/2019 14:00

Can I just interject on behalf of the kids - please don't couch it as "leaving us"- that will make them think that it is something they did and that is a heavy burden to carry.

Original poster

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 14:05

We own the house I am moving to . Do I need to get permission from him when I want to
Decorate house

OP posts:

smokeytoby · 18/09/2019 14:05

Your kids will admire you, be proud of you and thank you for getting them out of that toxic environment. You are doing the right thing for them and after the potential initial shock/tears that may come when they find out, it will be okay, they will be okay and you will be okay x

Original poster

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 14:06

I would never speak badly of their dad. I have already decided that in their interests I will say that we have agreed to live apart etc. Fucker . I hate lying to them . We have decided to be as amicable as we can be for their sakes

OP posts:

Original poster

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 14:07

Thanks so very much . We have tenants in our home st the moment

OP posts:

MollyButton · 18/09/2019 14:09

I would move asap (definitely before Christmas if at all possible).

You may well find that their anxiety goes down.
If you are moving into a property you own, if that is going to be part of your settlement then I can't see why you can't decorate however you want.

Do get some legal advice.

MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA · 18/09/2019 14:10

There is a thread ( few threads) by awesmum in relationships titled " handhold while I tell my ex I want a divorce " or similar. You may benefit from reading her story. She is an absolutely amazing woman that has left a man that sounds very similar to what you are dealing with.

Your children will 100% thrive when away from the negativity and I get your children's anxiety reduces too.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 18/09/2019 14:11

You should be stood waving him off with a smile not feeling guilty.

QueSera · 18/09/2019 14:14

Sounds like you'll all be happier without him around. A negative, grumpy, shouty, unhelpful partner/parent brings the whole mood of a household down. I think you'll all feel better soon, I wish you and your children well x

jobbinggogger · 18/09/2019 14:16

Firstly, you cannot change the past but you can change the future.You can choose how you act now. You can choose to think positive thoughts and act in a positive way. It sounds like a toxic relationship with blame on both sides. I've found that worrying does not change things nor does it make it better. My sister left a similar man. Despite worries over money, coping with the kids and work she got through and is now happier, better off (he kept every penny he earned). What do you actually want? If it's to stay with him I would suggest some mediation or counselling to stop you repeating old patterns of behaviour. If you want permission to go then go. Just for the way he has treated your children. It's up to you to give him an ultimatum and stick to it. If he stays, he needs to help around the house and support his children instead of tearing them down. If he stays you need to support him instead of tearing him down. I'm am sure that many years and many slights led you to this point and you need to navigate your way out of this hopeless situation to a better place. That can't be done without guidance as far as I'm concerned. Does he have a short fuse? Would anger management help him?

Original poster

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 14:19

Very short fuse . Reacts to any stress With shouting. Refused counselling and mediation. Won’t speak to
Anyone .

OP posts:

Ispini · 18/09/2019 14:21

Onwards and upwards, I wouldn’t give the miserable fecker the time of day.
The next time he criticizes you start listing his misdemeanors. I bet your kids will be so happy to be in a relaxed home, there must be a very bad atmosphere living with such a misery.
You can do this just get yourself seriously sorted legally and I bet he’ll come running back with his tail between his legs when he realizes what he losing.
You can do this, ditch the twat and get on with your life.

GrumpiestCat · 18/09/2019 14:21

Why can't he move out? If you're likely to be the main carer wouldn't it be easier/psychologically better for the children to stay where they are? If he doesn't see this he isn't putting the children's interests first.

Divorce court will want to see children's needs put first. They'll take a dim view if you end up worse off whilst he's benefitted from the change.

When you divorce, if you get a financial consent order assets will be divided and if the house becomes yours you can paint whatever you bloody well like! Good luck OP. Better times lay ahead. My house is so calm following the separation and divorce. It's a real haven.

jobbinggogger · 18/09/2019 14:23

I think you've answered your own question. He won't speak to anyone, he's not willing to work at the relationship so it can't be mended. Check the benefits calculator and start planning your escape.

wheelywheelynice · 18/09/2019 14:29

Good riddance, but in my experience men like this don't just leave unless they have another woman to go to, so he may just be using this as an excuse.

HeavenlyEyes · 18/09/2019 14:29

Thank goodness he is going. You are well rid!

Where does shouting end and turn into something worse I wonder?

What is her name?

Shitfuckoh · 18/09/2019 14:30

OP your situation sounds very much like the situation I was in previously. Only I was the one to ask my ex (and father of my 3 children) to leave. I'd had enough of him being useless, not interacting with the kids and not doing anything at all around the house.
He was selfish with money, we never had enough for what I wanted/need (and the kids) but yet always had enough for him to go out drinking, football etc.
I felt guilt & there are moments when I still do.

BUT everyone is happier. It's only been 6 months for us, but we're getting there and the children are much more settled. The atmosphere is great. Unfortunately he's proving to be as useless as a dad living elsewhere as he was when he lived here & his time with the children comes second (sometimes even third) to what he wants. To the point he sees them a couple of hours a week (and that's been cancelled quite a few times). But we've made our own routine. The children can stay up longer on the weekend, we play games as a family, watch films/youtube whilst eating very unhealthy snacks! I do find I may be overcompensating for what I/he couldn't/didn't do before but at the moment I don't care. It's about keeping the children settled & happy.

You very well may find your youngest does improve once he has gone - I found my eldest has. Issues with my middle one at the moment but totally unrelated to all the mess of his father. It's hard work, of course it is but anything worth doing is!

If you want to talk, please do feel free to contact me.

ohdearmymistake · 18/09/2019 14:35

If you can't get the house that you both own but is rented out back till January, could he go and stay elsewhere in the mean time?

Please please make sure you get a good solicitor and get all the information that you will need, someone did a very comprehensive list possibly in Relationship, it's worth finding.

Change is scary but long term life will be so much better. There's a fabulous future waiting for you.

Original poster

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 14:37

I did wonder about another woman . So glad I never have to sleep with him ever again . I was always resentful and angry that he refused to pull back from work . I got a panic attack once ever in mylife purely from stress. I begged him to step up. He arrived home for two consecutive nights at six o clock and then reverted straight back to type . Will i ever meet a nice person for company whenmy kids are grown up I wonder

OP posts:

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