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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh leaving us . Help me see wood for trees please

134 replies

Simplydelishus · 18/09/2019 12:22

Please help.my husband is leaving us . He is fed up of being nagged and irritated and criticised for years by me. I admit that is exactly what I did . I feel so
Guilty. My husband despiteboth of us working full time never did a tap around the house.his time out of work was his and he didnt contribute to child rearing or any admin . I finish work two to three hours earlier than him so I did it all. His time woth the kids was negative and horrible. He would come home and criticise them generally . He got cursed Nd shouty and aggressive if they didn’t do what they were told straight away. I always intervened as I couldn’t hear the way he spoke to them . He was kind when we were sick and generous at Christmas time and birthdays. He didn’t used engage or play with kids but liked to play on his phone or
Sleep . Kids describe his asmoody cranky and angry . He didn’t like me to make any financial decisions about furniture or clothes etc. I often found that I lied
About purchases and downplayed prices .
I did everything I could
To encourage him to engage with us so this was me
Bagging criticising and undermining him. Now though I feel guilty .. AUBU

OP posts:
bookwormsforever · 18/09/2019 12:59

You know, your dc's anxiety might magically improve when his 'cranky, shouty' father leaves and he sees you are happier.

He is no loss. It sounds like a terrible environment in which to live and bring up dc. What a lazy arse.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/09/2019 12:59

He sounds awful. I understand your uncertainty - you are being forced to step out into a different life that you're not sure of, but, from the sounds of it, you and your children with thrive without this angry, useless man telling you off all the time.

Of course he will say that you 'nagged'. Nagging is merely asking someone to do something, repeatedly. If they just DID IT without being asked, then there would have been no need to 'nag', would there?

HollowTalk · 18/09/2019 13:00

I agree that your dc's anxiety will improve once his dad leaves home.

Chalfontstgiles · 18/09/2019 13:01

OP...some people are lazy fuckers that don't want to do the housework, chores, admin etc. BUT depriving your kids of his attention by constantly messing on his phone is unforgivable- those years with his kids are gone now, he can't claw back that time, those lost moments and opportunities. It's entirely his own loss and of his own making. Sorry but your are well rid I belive.

MeggyMeg · 18/09/2019 13:02

This is a good thing.

Read your OP. He adds nothing to your life and is a crap father. Your children will be fine.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 18/09/2019 13:02

I had a cranky, negative father. My mum stayed until kids were grown up, 'for us'. I wish she'd have left him so much sooner. Don't feel guilty, feel free, now you can be in a positive, nurturing family unit.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/09/2019 13:03

Im sorry OP- you are though mourning a family set up you didnt have (given everything youve described).

I think you will see a relaxedness in your DC once they no longer live with their dad.

As for now try and focus on staying busy with the practicalities of splitting, namely Financial!

Span1elsRock · 18/09/2019 13:03

We're all wary of change, it's human nature.

But this is a positive change for all of you. Your DC will flourish in a home with no one sucking the joy out of their lives.

You should send him a thank you card. He's done you the biggest favour imaginable Flowers

zafferana · 18/09/2019 13:04

Your ex sounds like a horrible husband and parent. He's self-centred, angry, abusive and a liar and you're well rid of him. Please don't feel guilty! The best thing that could happen is that you and the DC get to live in peace without this vile person in your house Flowers

Gottobefree · 18/09/2019 13:05

No the reason he is leaving is because he KNOWS he can't meet the expectations that you & the children need. It's not because of your nagging.
Honestly it sounds like you and your children will be better off without him. This will be a positive thing for you x

walkintheparc · 18/09/2019 13:06

Doesn't sound like a big loss! I know it must feel so earth shattering right now, it's ok to feel totally lost. He wasn't a good enough father or husband to you. It might have brought out the worst in you, but it is not your fault.
As long as you continue to show your kids love and support, and patience, they will be absolutely fine.

Armadillostoes · 18/09/2019 13:06

OP Please don't feel guilty on account of your children. They don't need a toxic adult like this living with them. You might well find his departure actually helps your youngest in the media term. Walking on egg shells because of a moody parent will not have helped their anxiety.

bombomboobah · 18/09/2019 13:06

Good riddance to bad rubbish
now you can celebrate and be free of this crushing burden
🎊🎉🎊💃

CatsOnCatnip · 18/09/2019 13:08

I agree with PP, your youngest’s anxiety will almost certainly improve. Overly critical negative influences do not help. Sounds like a really stressful atmosphere to have to live in. Be strong OP, and most importantly try to be happy.

BookwormMe2 · 18/09/2019 13:08

He's really done a number on you if you think his leaving is a bad thing! Read your post again, OP, but imagine it's a friend saying it to you. What would you say to that friend on hearing that her husband never lifted a finger round the house to help and his only interaction with his children was to yell and swear at them? You'd tell her to be happy he's gone.

You will cope because the black mood will lift from your house once he's left. Your children won't be walking on eggshells or feel anxious. You'll be able to treat them and not have to lie about it. You will all be happier in the long run. Just hang on in there. Flowers

nonmerci · 18/09/2019 13:09

Sounds like you and the children will be a lot happier and healthier without him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2019 13:11

Sometimes men are better fathers when not living with their children. Whether your husband continues to see the children or not, he will at least not leave a constant shadow in your home. I also imagine your ds’s anxiety could improve now.

bombomboobah · 18/09/2019 13:13

Is he really leaving or is this just a tactic to try and get you back under control?
He knows that he's onto a cushy life with you, you do all the domestic work etc, this might just be a strategy to punish you and crush you further

AngryFeminist · 18/09/2019 13:14

It is a truth universally acknowledged that 'nagging' = term invented by patriarchal men to cover 'expecting yoir male partner to pull their weight.' Presumably he had a house before you when he also worked full time and which he managed to clean?

Talking to kids like crap amd not engaging with them does not a good parent make and you were absolutely right to pull him up on it. As others have said, be happy he's shipping out - your house qill be so much more chill and loving without him.

3dogs2cats · 18/09/2019 13:15

Congratulations. Your life starts here. I don’t like dishonesty ,in general but you owe this wanker nothing, so do try not to look relieved, don’t alert him that you might have ideas of your own about how this should go. And see a solicitor, ASAP.

Treesinaforest · 18/09/2019 13:15

Don't fall for his bullshit. He is leaving because he does not want to do the grafting involved in being a father and husband.

Seek some advice on your son, but the basics are to reassure him that he is loved and the separation will not affect that in any way.

Your children will be fine. As will you. But get yourself to a solicitor asap.

IceQueenCometh · 18/09/2019 13:15

How typical of men like this to behave appallingly for years and then take zero responsibility for it, blaming their partner for their own horrible behavior. It;s just one more piece of abuse.

Do not feel guilty. He alone is responsible for his behavior. You are well rid..

NaviSprite · 18/09/2019 13:16

Yeah he's an absolute wanker and if you feel safe enough to do so, tell him all about himself. If he tries pinning blame on you again for 'nagging' tell him straight, exactly as you did in your OP.

"I didn't want to 'nag' but seeing as you barely lifted a finger to help me or engage with our DC without criticising or becoming an absolute arse I had to. I would have been happier if you could act like the grown fucking man you are supposed to be rather than lounging around this place like a moody dickhead teenager. Glad to see the back of you." or something like that?

As for your DC, I understand why you dread telling them, but you've said yourself, they describe him as angry, grumpy etc. I know they still love him, he's their Dad, but speaking as a woman who lived through a childhood with both parental figures miserable and angry at each other, it'll do them good in the end to have a happy mum separated from their Dad. I'm sure they will know that too.

Good luck for the future OP and keep your strength, your life will become so much lighter without this vacuum of misery in it.

Moondancer73 · 18/09/2019 13:17

Don't feel guilty. This man hasn't been a good father or husband, has failed to do anything around the home to help you out and is now transferring blame onto you.
He can't see how he has failed - and he has. Walk away and watch your children flourish and see how much happier you feel without him. It'll be like a weight has lifted.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/09/2019 13:18

Sorry but you are wrong. He is the dick, The selfish lazy moron, not you. Good riddance for you and kids. It will be cRap now and may get worse whilst you adjust but in the long run... happy days!!!