Dh leaving us . Help me see wood for trees please

[Simplydelishus]

Please help.my husband is leaving us . He is fed up of being nagged and irritated and criticised for years by me. I admit that is exactly what I did . I feel so
Guilty. My husband despiteboth of us working full time never did a tap around the house.his time out of work was his and he didnt contribute to child rearing or any admin . I finish work two to three hours earlier than him so I did it all. His time woth the kids was negative and horrible. He would come home and criticise them generally . He got cursed Nd shouty and aggressive if they didn’t do what they were told straight away. I always intervened as I couldn’t hear the way he spoke to them . He was kind when we were sick and generous at Christmas time and birthdays. He didn’t used engage or play with kids but liked to play on his phone or
Sleep . Kids describe his asmoody cranky and angry . He didn’t like me to make any financial decisions about furniture or clothes etc. I often found that I lied
About purchases and downplayed prices .
I did everything I could
To encourage him to engage with us so this was me
Bagging criticising and undermining him. Now though I feel guilty .. AUBU

"Is he really leaving or is this just a tactic to try and get you back under control?"

This - I'd be careful about how you message "Daddy is leaving/has left" to the kids. He could be a complete arse and string this out for ages making them even more anxious if they don't know if he's coming or going. I don't have any advice as to how to handle it well with your kids but Relationships page will do.

You and the kids sound well rid of him imo if that helps. Good luck - I think you'll all feel wonderful in a few weeks.

A nice "Cheerio" and a wave from the front door ought to see him off nicely.

From what you've said, he is lazy selfish and aggressive. There isn't a person alive who would put up with that without 'criticising', which I expect was reasonable requests for him to do his fair share.

Change is scary. But honestly it sounds like it will be better for them to be away from him. Being generous two days a year (Christmas and birthdays) means nothing if you are horrible the rest of the time (and I bet he was generous with his money on those days but not with his time or mental energy to help organise it etc)

Don't feel guilty.

You should never have had to nag a man child to step up and do his bit.

You are well rid.

The idea of parenting alone is scary even if you have been doing everything anyway.

Took me ages to kick my ex out but it ended up being the best thing I ever did.

15 years later my kids had a brilliant childhood without his lazy negative arse in the house.

I cannot get over such an amazing mg
Levelmof support thank you all so
Much . My son said he was worried about us separating but when I described what the future might be like he seemed happy enough. My teenage girl is a little anxious lately. Wondering where dad is, asking what’s going on etc. I hate lying or lying by omission. We will separate formally in January . I think he realises what is ahead of him as he is stalling and saying that ‘ you’re getting rid of me , I’m a waste of space to you, you already think I’m a bad husband and father, you’ve got your way, you’ll be happy without me , this is what you always wanted yadayada..’ victim mode

Make sure you photograph or copy every single finance related document. Find a good solicitor.
Don't give him time to hide stuff.

Don't wait until January - you'll have the stress of Christmas and months before it - if he's leaving the home he should get somewhere sorted in a couple of weeks (if he doesn't already have somewhere lined up). You'll feel much better when he goes. As other posters say - see a solicitor meantime.

Take control of the process. Start things now. Get copies of all paperwork - everything you can. See a good solicitor, it's worth the money now.

It is scary to have such a big life change, but what will be different? Will you have any extra work to do? No. you'll be free of doing things round his needs and schedules, no more washing his undercrackers or putting them away, no ecxpectation that he should be doing useful things. When the ex went, the only thing I had to do extra was put up the christmas lights on my own. Didn't miss pleasant times together cos there weren't any
Might you consider divorcing him so you can drive the divorce forward, mine was too lazy to even progress the divorce even though it was what he wanted, as I was the one divorcing him I could push when he slacked and let things just slide. Being in limbo is horrible, he might even decide he doesn't want to go through with it
I was dead worried even though mine was lazy and abusive, there is always the hope that they will change isn't there, but if they were going to change they would have

It is myself and the kids that will
Leave the family home by choice. Kids love the area, their school, activities and friends are there . House smaller, cosier and bills and childcare will be hugely reduced . He’s going nuts about this. He wanted to go there but I feel that as he is leaving the family, I get to choose living arrangements as I will have the kids with me 5/7 nights per week and each day . He’s not a bit happy about that . I feel that knowing we are moving back to our original home will help them feel better

Don't feel sorry for your children! You have described how he put them down and gave them none of his time, what are they going to miss?!? It must be devastating for your marriage to be over, but it clearly wasn't a happy one. It's a major change and of course upsetting but in time I hope you will all be happier. Perhaps in the long run he will change, as when he has the children on his own, assuming he wants to see them still, he will be forced to give them his time, and see everything you have always done.
The best advise I can give is do your best to keep it amicable. Tell the children together, assure them you both still love them, and let them see you are both ok about it and still get along. Perhaps even speak to the school and see if there is any extra support they can provide. It may be a rocky road ahead to get everything physically and financially separated and a new routine in place, but take this as a fresh start and new chapter in your life.
Sending you hugs xxx

He sounds very manipulative and it sounds as if he realises that he is losing control, that's why he's trying to use the victim card, just humour him and say whatever you have to say to get shut of him.
Once he's gone on make sure he stays gone, block up all the avenues that he could use to get back, he will realise pretty soon that he shot himself in the foot and he'll want to try and get back to that cushy life

I would NOT wait until January. What's the point? All that will do is cause so much more upset for you and your children.

He says the reason we are separating is because of years of me nagging him and criticising him and he felt he could never do anything right, in my eyes.

Bollocks. He is gaslighting you. You have held the family together for years while he has been a useless twat, both as a husband and as a father.

It was not unreasonable to expect him to do his share around the house and share the parenting of his children. He absolutely should have stepped up. Why should you do it all when you are both working full time?

You and your children will be much better off without this waste of space. If he is always so "moody cranky and angry" I would think they will be delighted to see the back of him. And as PP said your poor little 9 year old's anxiety will very likely reduce if they are no longer having to tread on eggshells round him.

How dare he treat you all like this? Bastard.

Your poor kids having this arsehole for a so called dad.

I would be packing his bloody bags for him and hanging the flags out.

And DON'T let him come back!

Yes abusers often paint themselves as victims and to be fair their sense of entitlement is such that if you request "normal" behaviour they see it as abusive.

In his head he expected you to back down and beg him to return.

My youngest was similar age and he didn't know life without Ex so the change was scary BUT since life was calmer and happier without him he soon appreciated our new life. The ideal is non abusive parents but if you can't have that (and many, many people don't) then 1 non abusive parent living with you most of the time is the best alternative.

Two things may happen now, he could get an OW very quickly and he may become very difficult over finances. If he does then it proves he was never going to change and you could not have fixed this

Do you have family support?

You need to have a good clear strategy and make sure you always out manoeuvre him, you've seen his true colours, keep that in mind.
don't tip him off,don't let him know what you really think, just do whatever it takes to get rid of him

I never know what mood he will be in as he is so deep and dark
And quiet . He never really spoke to me or
To the kids, outside of having to . I kind of walked on eggshells all
My years with him and I certainly wouldn’t tow with him as his method of arguing is to shout and roar and curse and slam doors and kick the odd thing out of the way. The more I wrote The more f a mess I feel he is

he felt he could never do anything right, in my eyes.

He never fu**ing did anything to start with 😡

Good riddance.

Row or argue instead Of tow

I had an ex who complained that I nagged him. No one else ever said I did this.

The thing is, he was so incredibly lazy. He would eat in the lounge room and leave his dirty dishes on the floor ....for days!!

His idea of cleaning his room (separate rooms as he would snore and get aggressive when woken) was to put all his clothes on the laundry floor for me to wash.

He was too lazy to put a load of washing in the dryer when the cycle finished as I was leaving the house and he was staying in in the the afternoon. He could have hung them up a few feet away but was too lazy to even put them in the dryer. After I asked him repeatedly & he ignored me on purpose, he said “come on meccacos2 we both know that’s not going to happen!”

He was lazy and selfish in every facet of his life.

Looking back, him cheating on me and leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me. It took years for me to see it that way and to understand why I was so angry with him.

He ended up having two kids to someone else and he left her as well.

He now has a hideous girlfriend who looks like his mother & he still drives the same car he had 10 years ago.

He would have never ever made my life happy.

You are well rid of yours and once the shock wears off you will find a freedom you never knew existed.

He was expecting you to beg and plead, and to tell him that he is free to carry on being a useless father and husband, and you’re sorry for nagging, and you’ll pick up even more of his slack if he’ll only stay.

Don’t do that.

Keep telling him that he has made the choice to disengage from family life if he tries to blame you.

You’ll probably find that you and the children will be much calmer in the long run, but they will need reassurance that it’s him, not them.

Be warned that he’ll have realised that he doesn’t actually want to lose his home comforts , and will worm his way back while demanding promises from you that you will be a better wife.

Stop giving a shit about his moods and what he wants. He wants to leave, so I suggest to help him out the door. Not in January, not in a month, but by the end of the week. Where he goes is not your problem. Good riddance to the miserable bastard.

He thinks that all he has to do is accuse you of nagging him and you will instantly realise that you are the bad person and beg him to stay whilst apologizing profusely.
Yes that's his best strategy, the best he can come up with, some plan from the 1970s when men were men and women did as they were told
He's a throwback ....throw him back
🤣😂😅

Another one who would be thrilled to be getting away from this pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Stop engaging with him OP, act like you've already separated. Dont respond to any criticism. Literally say 'I'm not engaging with you, we are seperated'.

Enjoy your new life without this miserable arsehole.

(Go and find a good solicitor)