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Original poster

1st birthday etiquette

105 replies

Pungifries · 17/09/2019 19:18

Posting for traffic really. FTM so not really sure of etiquette.
I’m having a meal at a local family restaurant with play area for my DS first birthday. It’s not a kids party as such, no entertainment/ party games etc just a meal and get together with quite a large group of friends and family.
Not really sure of paying etiquette...do you think we should
A) pay for everyone (approx 45 people)
B) pay for kids (approx 20)
C) get wine/ drinks for the table
D) nice party bags and nice thank you cards after?

TIA xx

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 17/09/2019 19:20

For a first birthday I’d not bother with party bags or paying for kids only, it’s a bit silly imo. I’d do a or c, or just something much more scaled back at home.

Redtartanshoes · 17/09/2019 19:25

If you’ve invited everyone then really you should pay. I wouldn’t worry about party bags, and if you Are wanting to limit costs perhaps say at the start “we’ll pay for everyone’s dinner if you don’t mind getting your own drinks”

You’d have been better having tea and cake at the house. Or nothing. But we all do it. You’ll learn.

I did a party in the house. Matching paper plates, napkins table cloth the lot. Massive stress, ds hated it and half the folk I’ve not seen since/ it’s a rite of passage I think

No party bags

Goodlookingcreature · 17/09/2019 19:30

If you’ve invited people then it’s you who should pay. If it’s an informal gathering then each should pay for themselves and you just keep the wine flowing

Lazypuppy · 17/09/2019 19:34

We did the same but everyone paid for themselves. It was basically just a get together meal with a 1 year old

Rezie · 17/09/2019 19:35

I think it's group dependent. If I went to celebrate somebody's birthday in a restaurant then I'd be expecting to pay for my own meal. So id say that you buying for dessert or drinks would be good. If you can easily afford to pay for everyone then that's a nice gesture. Skip party bags.

In your social circle does the "birthday" girl usually pay or everyone pays their own?

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 19:36

You do know your dc won't care who is there?
Tea + cake at home is fine!

donquixotedelamancha · 17/09/2019 19:37

If you’ve invited everyone then really you should pay.

This is really not a universal expectation.

I'd buy some wine for the table.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/09/2019 19:39

you should pay for all of it.

bridgetreilly · 17/09/2019 19:39

A. And probably C. D would be ridiculous.

iwantluxury · 17/09/2019 19:40

Don't bother with party bags.
If you can afford it then you should pay for everyone.

iwantluxury · 17/09/2019 19:42

Make sure it's a set menu you're paying for with 1 drink and water on the table or people could soon charge a big bar bill to you

MimiSunshine · 17/09/2019 19:44

I think knit depends on the wording of the invite:

A) we’re having a meal at X to celebrate baby’s 1st birthday and we’d love it if you like to join us
Sounds like everyone pays for themselves

B) we’d like to invite you to X for a meal to celebrate baby’s 1st birthday.
Sounds like you’re paying for everyone

If you want to save on the confusion don’t bother with the meal, you won’t get to talk to more than anyone sat immediately next to you.
Just invite people for an afternoon drink, pay for the first round and ask the bar to put bowls of chips out or snacks for everyone and make it clear on the invite they’ll be nibbles

Original poster
Pungifries · 17/09/2019 19:45

Thanks for all your replies.
Unfortunately I can’t have a party at home for some personal reasons and numbers are becoming to high to host in anything other than a mansion (school girl error - over invited on the group text)

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 17/09/2019 19:47

Personally I would go with e) tell everyone we are taking ds to...... for his birthday and if they would like to join us we will be there at..... Then ask if they could let us know if attending to book a seating area.

beethebee · 17/09/2019 19:54

Oh. If you've already sent invitations then you really should pay, yes.

If you wanted everyone to pay for their own food and/or drink then the time to make that clear was when you invited them, not afterwards.

Shagged · 17/09/2019 19:57

Agree with MimiSunshine it really depends on how you worded the invite

"anyone fancy a meal out at X restaurant to celebrate DS 1st birthday?" versus "we would like to invite you to a birthday meal at X restuarant to celebrate DS first birthday"

FrauHaribo · 17/09/2019 20:03

If you’ve invited everyone then really you should pay.

This is really not a universal expectation.

except that, yes, it is. That's literally what "inviting" means.
OP, if you have already INVITED everybody, then yes you should. If it's really a hard financial hit, find a way to let people know that they are expecting to pay for themselves NOW.

For a large group, you could send them priced menu and tell them to book their choice direct with restaurant for example, making it clear they will be charged?

LtJudyHopps · 17/09/2019 20:19

I’ve never heard of being invited for a meal and expecting the person to pay. You pay your own way unless it has been explicitly said it is their treat. Some wine is a nice idea.

DappledThings · 17/09/2019 20:26

I’ve never heard of being invited for a meal and expecting the person to pay. You pay your own way unless it has been explicitly said it is their treat

Same. If I'm invited to join someone to have a .real out it wouldn't cross my mind to expect them to be paying for it. It's one of those things I only heard about on MN as a thing!

Having said that I've never invited people to a meal out for myself so I don't know what I'd do. But having been invited to lots of birthday meals I've always paid my way as has everyone else and ive never heard anyone at all surprised to be doing so.

Mamapop1 · 17/09/2019 20:26

I would expect to pay my own way at this kind of thing. Really you are using the birthday an excuse to get everyone together, so the idea that you have organised it should be enough.
Depending on the age of the kids it might be a nice gesture to get them a bit of a party bag to keep them amused as the wait for food might be a drag for them if young.
A bottle for the table would be a lovely idea, but not something I would expect as a guest.

Userzzzzz · 17/09/2019 20:34

I think you’ve caused yourself a bit of hassle going for a meal out for a large number of people . Most people I know had small parties with family at home and toddler parties have been something like softplay or buffet in a garden type thing.

Are the 20 kids mainly toddlers? If so, Even with a play area, you’ll have something of a disrupted meal with parents up and down to supervise the kids.

I think it’s fine to say we doing x, join us it’ll be £x for the set menu but you should tell people in advance as lots will assume if you’ve invited them to a party you’ll be paying.

Original poster
Pungifries · 17/09/2019 20:35

Thanks everyone...
The way I worded it (in a text) was “we’re going for a carvery for DS’s birthday and would be lovely if you could join us...”
Personally if I received this invite I would expect to pay for myself but had a panic and wanted to get some other opinions.

I’ve also said that people don’t need to get a pressie and it’s more of a get together as we won’t be having a christening/ didn’t have a head wetting or anything

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 17/09/2019 20:36

I’ve never heard of being invited for a meal and expecting the person to pay.

never heard of the opposite!

I am invited by my boss, boss pays.
I am invited by a supplier, supplier pays.
I am invited by friends who are staying at my house for a week, friends pay.

When you are invited by friends for a meal at their house, do you also pay for your meal? It makes 0 difference where you are invited, the clue is in the "invited"!

Emma198 · 17/09/2019 20:39

I'd expect to pay for myself, if i were you I'd just make sure i had cake for everyone

Spam88 · 17/09/2019 20:40

Another that would fully expect to pay for myself. I'd be a bit horrified at you paying for all those people actually and would try and force some money on you.

I must move in very different circles from the typical Mumsnetter.

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