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Original poster

1st birthday etiquette

105 replies

Pungifries · 17/09/2019 19:18

Posting for traffic really. FTM so not really sure of etiquette.
I’m having a meal at a local family restaurant with play area for my DS first birthday. It’s not a kids party as such, no entertainment/ party games etc just a meal and get together with quite a large group of friends and family.
Not really sure of paying etiquette...do you think we should
A) pay for everyone (approx 45 people)
B) pay for kids (approx 20)
C) get wine/ drinks for the table
D) nice party bags and nice thank you cards after?

TIA xx

OP posts:
violetswordfish · 18/09/2019 15:01

I think I'd expect that you were paying if you invited me. Being invited is totally different to suggesting a meet up. When you're invited somewhere, you don't get a say in the location, date, or time. You're doing exactly what the host wants. So it seems reasonable to expect the host to pay for your food, unless otherwise stated when invited.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 15:05

I asked that exact question when I first heard of this on another thread. Most payers seemed to think that the word Invite is key.

Seems like a very bizarre secret rule if that's the case. So "Would you like to have dinner with me for my birthday at X on Y date" means not paying for everyone but "I would like to invite you to have dinner with me for my birthday at X on Y date" means paying for everyone?

Or do the invite = pay people consider both forms of wording to mean paying and there's an even more subtle thing about what an invite means that doesn't necessarily include the word invite?

Sounds like a minefield to me.

violetswordfish · 18/09/2019 15:24

Or do the invite = pay people consider both forms of wording to mean paying and there's an even more subtle thing about what an invite means that doesn't necessarily include the word invite?

Yes. If you're dictating the terms of the event then I expect that you're paying unless you tell me otherwise.

"would you like to come to my birthday dinner at Pizza Restaurant at 8pm on Saturday 5th?" = you're paying, I have no say in the food I eat and have no control over who else will be attending

"fancy doing something for my birthday around the 5th, maybe a nice restaurant?" = I get some say in what I spend my money on, so I'm paying for myself.

"do you want to do soemthing for your birthday, maybe a meal at a restaurant, where do you fancy?" = I'm taking you out for your birthday and paying for both of us

BlackCatSleeping · 18/09/2019 15:31

That's so bizarre and rigid. But, surely if it's a group, it's hard to get feedback from everyone? We just say "I'm having a birthday lunch at X restaurant on X date at x time. If anyone can come and join me, that would be great." Then, we all just pay our own way. It's nice and relaxed.

violetswordfish · 18/09/2019 15:40

But, surely if it's a group, it's hard to get feedback from everyone?

I think it's a little cheeky to organise events where you decide the time and the place, and expect everyone else to fund it for you. So I don't organise events at restaurants because I can't afford to pay for the meals of 45 people. Why not just invite the people you can afford, or have something cheaper than a restaurant?

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 15:50

I think it's a little cheeky to organise events where you decide the time and the place, and expect everyone else to fund it for you

But you're just asking people to join you. You're not forcing them! As MN is so fond of saying, "it's an invite, not a summons".

I've never celebrated my birthday, I hate it but lots of other people do and when they've said "I'm going to the White Horse on Saturday X of May for lunch and drinks, do you want to come" it wouldn't cross my ind they were offering to pay. They are asking me to join them if I can/want to.

This is all getting weird.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 15:51

We just say "I'm having a birthday lunch at X restaurant on X date at x time. If anyone can come and join me, that would be great." Then, we all just pay our own way. It's nice and relaxed.

Nice and relaxed and completely normal!

violetswordfish · 18/09/2019 15:54

But this instance is a child's first birthday party. It's more like a christening or a wedding or a 50th wedding anniversary, it's a milestone moment in someone's life. You might not want to miss your nephews first birthday party but at the same time you might not have £80 to spend on food and drink for your family at a restaurant none of you particularly like.

it's an invite, not a summons

So is a wedding invitation but nobody expects to pay for their own food at a wedding.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 16:04

this instance is a child's first birthday party

Except it isn't really. OP says It’s not a kids party as such, no entertainment/ party games etc just a meal and get together so no different from a PP's wording of I'm having a birthday lunch at X restaurant on X date at x time. If anyone can come and join me, that would be great really.

Newmumatlast · 18/09/2019 16:17

This really is a minefield. I grew up in a working class background and still would consider some occasions to mean that the host may pay - though would always have enough on me to pay incase.

For me, it is about context. If it is a friend asking if I want to go out for dinner on a set day and we are sort of mutually arranging it, I'd expect to pay for myself. Similarly a birthday where it is phrased as a get together. I've never expected a host to pay in those circumstances nor have I experienced it.

With family, usually when my parents suggest we go out to celebrate a birthday of an immediate family member they pay - because they are inviting us out for a formal family party as such. I still offer and take money to pay. Similarly where I have invited them out for my husband's birthday, for example.

The difference here is I think that the invite may sound like a party invite. For a party, I wouldnt expect to pay. Just as when I host an event at my home- for example xmas - I dont expect anyone to bring anything at all and they get all food and drinks all evening on us. If I wanted contributions I'd expressly ask I.e. bring a bottle or bring a plate because otherwise, as I am inviting them to a party, I'd expect that they would expect to pay.

Newmumatlast · 18/09/2019 16:18

I'd expect they'd expect me to pay even!

Thehagonthehill · 18/09/2019 16:21

Just at tea and cake at home and trying to stop you child setting themselves alight with the birthday candle.

FrauHaribo · 18/09/2019 17:51

donquixotedelamancha

It has nothing to do with being wealthy, it really is basic manners.
When you cannot afford to host 45 people, you don't invite 45 people in a restaurant ,how hard can it be 🤷

Quite a few people would actually get really offended if you were taking your wallet after a meal and asking how much that was, who does that!
(people on MN apparently I guess).

FrauHaribo · 18/09/2019 17:55

How does it work at home, do you give them . a bill before or after the meal?

Many people can't fit 45 people in their house.

Completely irrelevant, do you give the guest list when you invite people over? so what's the cut off? You start charging after a certain amount of guests? Do they know about it in advance?

How do you word it? "Are you free to come for diner on Saturday? There would be 3 of you, bring your wallet?"

That's amazing, I'd love to see invitations like that.

Redwinestillfine · 18/09/2019 18:04

I think you need to follow up with an email to clarify. Maybe send menus and say something like ' the Venue want food orders in advance but you can pay on the day' or something

Bumbledee · 18/09/2019 18:06

We’ve invited 25 adults to our son’s first birthday. We’ve hired a private area in a pub. We have pre-ordered party food - canapés, pizza and a few bottles of wine. Anybody who wants more to drink or eat can order at the bar. There’ll be cake as pud!

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2019 18:14

When you cannot afford to host 45 people, you don't invite 45 people in a restaurant ,how hard can it be

It has nothing to do with being wealthy

Why on earth should people who are not wealthy follow your rules?

How would people who can't afford what you suggest even know they aren't supposed to use restaurants in groups?

it really is basic manners.

Manners are about making others feel comfortable. Firm rules of etiquette like this are mannerisms. They exist as a special little code so snobs can identify the 'wrong' people.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 18:15

Quite a few people would actually get really offended if you were taking your wallet after a meal and asking how much that was, who does that!

Everyone I've ever been out in a restaurant with ever would get their wallet out and expect to pay!

FrauHaribo · 18/09/2019 18:21

donquixotedelamancha

they are not MY rules...

I have never been given a bill when I have been invited for lunch/dinner/coffee in my life. Clearly some people expect others to pay for everything, but it's very weird.

It sounds very rude to invite more people than you can afford. What's the expression? champagne taste and beer pockets?

I have organised and been part of plenty of group gatherings, BYO of some kind. They are completely fine, but an invitation is something else.
You seem very quiet about home invitation, they are exactly the same... Do you charge VAT?

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2019 18:26

You seem very quiet about home invitation, they are exactly the same

How is it exactly the same? The discussion is about a restaurant. No one apart from you has brought up eating at home.

They are completely fine, but an invitation is something else.

How?

FrauHaribo · 18/09/2019 18:28

No one apart from you has brought up eating at home.

it's still an invitation, not sure why you are making a difference. Either you invite people, or you charge them for their food and possible stay. Makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. Why would it?

YOU might have decided that special rules apply depending on location, home, restaurant, hall.. but how are others supposed to guess?

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2019 18:33

it's still an invitation, not sure why you are making a difference.

You seem to mean something specific by this. You distinguished it from other social events but didn't explain. Is it the word invitation that carries this meaning to you?

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2019 18:37

YOU might have decided that special rules apply depending on location, home, restaurant, hall.. but how are others supposed to guess?

The discussion is about a restaurant. The ones I have been to hand out lists with prices next to the food. I've never encountered someone who expects to be paid for, or assumes they were paying, so I have never had to navigate the difficulty you forsee.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 19:51

I have never been given a bill when I have been invited for lunch/dinner/coffee in my life. Clearly some people expect others to pay for everything, but it's very weird

Weird to you but clearly not a lot of people on here and in real life! A private event in a function room I might expect some food and drink to be paid for but even then not necessarily. Went to a 40th in a pub recently, there was a food table provided which nobody was expecting and everyone had had dinner but everyone bought their own drinks. Being asked to join someone in a restaurant definitely wouldn't expect to be paid for.

Admittedly I've remembered one instance otherwise. My mum was 70 last year and had a lunch with me, DH, our DC, DB, SIL and their DC and two other couples. My parents did pay for the whole thing which was very nice but I definitely wasnt expecting it.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 19:54

I have never been given a bill when I have been invited for lunch/dinner/coffee in my life

And actually I've never been given a bill either. Everyone has just started automatically reaching for their purses once it's the end of the meal. Never seen anyone asked to pay.