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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1st birthday etiquette

105 replies

Pungifries · 17/09/2019 19:18

Posting for traffic really. FTM so not really sure of etiquette.
I’m having a meal at a local family restaurant with play area for my DS first birthday. It’s not a kids party as such, no entertainment/ party games etc just a meal and get together with quite a large group of friends and family.
Not really sure of paying etiquette...do you think we should
A) pay for everyone (approx 45 people)
B) pay for kids (approx 20)
C) get wine/ drinks for the table
D) nice party bags and nice thank you cards after?

TIA xx

OP posts:

Starrgreen72 · 18/09/2019 08:17

No you shouldn’t have to pay , it’s a family celebration of your child’s life not a wedding . How about having it at your house instead and do a buffet on a Sunday for a few hours or just take a nice big birthday cake to the place where your having a meal .

Bellsofstclements · 18/09/2019 08:22

I think guests should pay for themselves but you should clarify this in advance so no one thinks otherwise. I'd make sure there was a cake for dessert. I guess for that big a number you'll have to pay a deposit and/or sort pre-orders anyway.

Agree with PP, you are setting yourselves up for future years by hosting a big thing for a 1st birthday though.

ConkerGame · 18/09/2019 08:38

I’m in a relatively well-off group of friends and nobody ever pays for everyone. If someone invites us to a restaurant for dinner then we all pay for ourselves and split the cost of the birthday person between us. If someone paid for everyone we’d think they were weirdly trying to show off.

user1493494961 · 18/09/2019 08:48

I think your invite is a bit ambiguous, it doesn't make it clear that people are expected to pay for themselves. You say it's a get-together as you're not having a christening, well you would have paid for a christening meal.

BadLad · 18/09/2019 09:00

I'm normally of the school of thought that says if you invite people, you should pay for them. But I'm making an exception here. If 45 people are coming, I don't think most people would expect you to fork out for everyone's meal. A wedding, probably yes. An adults milestone birthday, perhaps. A baby's first birthday, no, unless they know that you are stinking rich.

I'd probably make sure everyone knew it was a big get-together, and then do C. Have the invitation say something like "The first glass of wine is on us".

But I've never hosted a child's party or attended a wedding, so maybe my opinion is totally crass.

Chitarra · 18/09/2019 09:01

I'd expect to pay for myself. I think C.

Marnie76 · 18/09/2019 09:08

As clangus said, is the restaurant expecting that many people?

LuluBellaBlue · 18/09/2019 09:08

From your invite I’d expect to pay for myself.
My sons now 15 and never have I gone for a birthday meal and had the invitee pay for everyone (not children’s anyway).

CheeryB · 18/09/2019 09:09

I'm from a working class background and if we were invited to a birthday party in a restaurant I would infer that the host intended to pay for the meal. That doesn't mean I would mind paying for my own food and drink of course not - but the first thought is that the host generally pays. It's different when you're young and single and have your 21st in a pub and invite your friends to a few bevvies and a curry after. Then it's obvious you pay for yourself. But for a formal invitation like this I imagine there will be people whose experience is same as mine. Host pays.

CheeryB · 18/09/2019 09:20

And as pps have asked, do the restaurant know they're having 45 people descending on them, almost half of whom are toddlers and young children? Will everyone be on lots of different tables? It all just sounds chaotic to me and I wouldn't fancy dining nearby. Unless it's all organised and you've booked a private room.

BlueJava · 18/09/2019 11:12

If I had invited 45 people to a restaurant I'd definitely expect to pay. To be honest a restaurant meal for a 1 yo party seems pretty over the top with that many ppl. Make sure you brief the arrangements to restaurants and guests well in advance though whatever you decide.

EssentialHummus · 18/09/2019 11:16

Also, surely for the £500+ that many meals and drinks would cost you could hire a church/community hall and lay on some drinks and crisps? It all just doesn't sound well-suited to a one year old's party imo. (And I have a two year old, so am in the thick of it.)

BlackCatSleeping · 18/09/2019 11:24

I would also expect to pay for myself, but I think you need to check with the restaurant they are ok with those numbers and send out a text clarifying that people should pay for their own and give approximate costs.

Windydaysuponus · 18/09/2019 11:40

Instead of paying for this shin dig you could afford a week end away!!

FrauHaribo · 18/09/2019 13:57

donquixotedelamancha
it's not about being wealthy, it's about basic manners.

If I invite someone, I pay for them. It doesn't matter if it's in my house, or a restaurant.

I find it ever so weird that some posters would invite friends but expect them to pay for their food. How does it work at home, do you give them . a bill before or after the meal?

You invite someone for the weekend, do you bill them for electricity, water and supplies, or just for the food you serve?

I believe that some people function that way, my point was that - unlike what a poster was trying to pretend - it's not a universal behaviour.

astridfarnsworth · 18/09/2019 14:09

I think it is absolutely about wealth. I’ve been to many restaurant birthday celebrations for both children and adults (I’m going to a children one tonight!) and have never had my meal paid for by the host. None of my friends or family have enough money to pay for 20 or so meals at a niceish restaurant. No one expects it. It’s just a chance to eat nice food and see your friends and family. I also don’t consider a text a “formal” invitation.

For the sake of clarity, OP, I would send a text explaining the average expected cost. But it depends on history and your friendship group, really.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2019 14:35

I find it ever so weird that some posters would invite friends but expect them to pay for their food.

Some people cannot afford to drop £700 minimum on seeing their loved ones.

How does it work at home, do you give them . a bill before or after the meal?

Many people can't fit 45 people in their house. When we want to see large groups we go to a restaurant- more room and the cost is spread between everyone.

it's not about being wealthy, it's about basic manners.

Of course it is. You have to have grown up only knowing rich people to think that the word invite means 'to pay for'.

I believe that some people function that way, my point was that - unlike what a poster was trying to pretend - it's not a universal behaviour.

You seem to have forgotten your own posts:

You- If you’ve invited everyone then really you should pay.
Me- This is really not a universal expectation.
You- except that, yes, it is.

People who 'function that way' don't lack 'basic manners'- they just grew up without the privilege you enjoyed.

To keep insisting that what you would do is what others should do suggests you really don't understand what manners are, no matter how impeccable your etiquette.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/09/2019 14:42

If I'm inviting friends or family to my home, I'd pay for the ingredients and cook, but they'd probably bring a bottle or a dish.

If we are eating out at a restaurant with friends, everyone just pays for their own and their own kids.

Most of my friends and I are on tight budgets, so if it's someone's birthday, we meet up for lunch and everyone pays their own. No one could afford to pay for everyone. That would be so awkward.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/09/2019 14:44

I think the OP's situation is a little different as it's a child's birthday party. I think she needs to be clear with the guests if she expects them to pay for their own.

DappledThings · 18/09/2019 14:45

I find it ever so weird that some posters would invite friends but expect them to pay for their food

Do you extend that to non-specific events as well? So if you were my friend and I invited you out for dinner to catch up would you expect me to pay because I'd invited you? Or would you only expect that if I was inviting you because it's my birthday?

Or does it depend on some kind of specific wording that makes it what you consider "inviting" someone rather than just organising a get together to celebrate something as OP is doing?

EssentialHummus · 18/09/2019 14:46

I’m another who thinks inviting = paying. If all I could afford was a picnic in the park, but that meant I provided drink and food, I’d do that rather than a restaurant. Doesn’t mean that’s universally right but it’s what I’ve always done and what everyone in my family and social circles does too.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2019 14:51

does it depend on some kind of specific wording that makes it what you consider "inviting" someone

I asked that exact question when I first heard of this on another thread. Most payers seemed to think that the word Invite is key.

coffeeforone · 18/09/2019 14:51

I'd pay the bill if i was inviting everyone.

Skinnydogfatcat1 · 18/09/2019 14:53

Everyone I am sure is expecting to pay for themselves.
Buy wine for the table, have a birthday cake and get lots of photos with your LO and his friends & send lovely thank you cards.
That is more than enough

Apolloanddaphne · 18/09/2019 14:58

I hope you have booked tables? That's a lot of people for a carvery to serve all at once.

I would send a second message telling everyone the costs of the meal and say you will cover the cost of the drinks maybe?

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